Should I be concerned

Last week, my wife said that she was going to talk to a friend on messenger, which we both have access too. She started to talk to this friend, but he said that text is easier for him, and gave her his phone number. She asked me if I was okay if she texted him instead of messenger. I said yes of course.

Later in the day I found out that not only was this a friend from a long time ago, but there had been romantic feelings between them in the past during high school (She is 44 now), which she initially did not disclose. I then told her that it makes me feel kind of weird that she is talking to an ex, which she looked up on Facebook, and he said to her that if her and I do not work out that he would drop everything for her.

We got in a smaller arguement thate evening, which is extremely rare that we argue. She left and I found out she continued to text him and even called for 40 minutes. When she came back, I asked if she had called him, already knowing the answer. She said no, and I called her out on lying to me. The next day she continued to text him, and I asked if she had reached out again. Once again she said no, and lied to me again about it. She did say that her phone is always open for me to look at, but she intentionally is deleting messages so I cant see them. She says it's because it is private things that he is telling her and she is the only person he will talk to about his issues.

Last Thursday, we needed some time together and when I was as around he texted again, and I saw the text. It said that she always has a special place in his heart, he thought of her every day while on his forced vacation (prison), and he loves her. At that point I had enough and he needed to be aware that she is not available. So I texted back, with my wife's permission, stating thank you for saying that he is happy that my wife and I are together, and I take good care of all of her needs.

After that he blocked my wife every way you can (Facebook, Messenger, and Phone). My wife is upset with me now because he has no one to talk to, but I felt that lines were being crossed. Did I blow this out of proportion?

Your wife is not happy. She was having an emotional affair. She was cheating. It's even worse that her choice is felon. Yikes.

Get some counseling immediately. She has shown you great disrespect for you and your marriage.

That's the thing. I know she is not happy with where we are living (long story), but we have always been solid until this. She says he is just a friend who is in need to talk.

I think I wouldn't have been concerned at all if it weren't for the fact that you caught her lying to you twice, she was deleting messages under the guise that he "needed someone to talk to," and he the guy had been essentially confessing his love for her. Right after you tried to draw a line, he blocked her on everything. There was certainly another motive on his end at the very least beyond needing a friend's listening ear.

My questions are: does he not have any other friends who have been part of his recent life? Why, if he needed someone to talk to so badly, would he resort to spilling his guys to a high school ex girlfriend who presumably he hadn't spoken to for some time? And why, in turn, is she so worried about him needing someone to talk to, a high school ex boyfriend who presumably she hadn't spoken to for some time prior? It's a bit of an odd situation. I'd definitely be concerned. At the very least, she was forging a close emotional bond with another man and she wanted to hide the extent of it from you.

Very true. I will say this in her defense, they haven't spoken for 2 years, which was before I was in the picture, and that is a fact. She was incredibly close to his family, like lived with them when they were not romantically involved. They never slept together, which is why he broke up with her in high school over 26 years ago. She said that some things came up during her therapy session that made her wonder of he was still a drunk and druggie, and if she could help. Their romantic involvement was more of a fling and not bf and gf. The lying is concerning. She said it was because I would over analyze it, which I do tend to do. Hence why I am on here.

Btw. He also lives like 700 miles away. So they are not meeting up or anything.

Well, yes, you certainly blew things all out of proportion! Just because your wife talked to a high school friend, you acted all jealous and crazy, and you actually pushed her to have another conversation with him, probably about how thuggish you're being. She wasn't having an affair. She wasn't even meeting this guy. Apparently she felt she even had to ask your permission to talk with the guy, (certainly she knows how jealous you can get). Sure, the friend fantasized about her while in prison. That's what guys do in prison. But it sounds like your wife handled him properly. And if you've isolated her from her friends, I can see why she wants to talk to her old boyfriend. But you going crazy has made things much worse and has probably made whatever other problem you're having (the long story you didn't want to talk about) worse.

Gee whiz, give your wife some space. Do you trust your wife so little you won't even let her talk to an old friend? Are you that insecure? You're creating a situation and an environment that is pushing your wife away.

That's the thing. I know she is not happy with where we are living (long story), but we have always been solid until this. She says he is just a friend who is in need to talk.

Nope. She was clearly cheating. She enjoyed the attention. It does not matter if she is unhappy in the current environment.

A "friend" does not tell you that he is in love and has always thought about her. She was willing to jeopardize your marriage to continue to talk to him, plus she lied to you repeatedly. My friend, you need to wake up.

Btw. He also lives like 700 miles away. So they are not meeting up or anything.

Hmm. It sounds like you're cooling down about this now.

Well, yes, you certainly blew things all out of proportion! Just because your wife talked to a high school friend, you acted all jealous and crazy, and you actually pushed her to have another conversation with him, probably about how thuggish you're being. She wasn't having an affair. She wasn't even meeting this guy. Apparently she felt she even had to ask your permission to talk with the guy, (certainly she knows how jealous you can get). Sure, the friend fantasized about her while in prison. That's what guys do in prison. But it sounds like your wife handled him properly. And if you've isolated her from her friends, I can see why she wants to talk to her old boyfriend. But you going crazy has made things much worse and has probably made whatever other problem you're having (the long story you didn't want to talk about) worse.

 

Gee whiz, give your wife some space. Do you trust your wife so little you won't even let her talk to an old friend? Are you that insecure? You're creating a situation and an environment that is pushing your wife away.

I suggest you go back and reread the post.

Hmm. It sounds like you're cooling down about this now.

It doesn't matter if he lives on another continent. Her behavior was not appropriate and she lied.

Nope. She was clearly cheating. She enjoyed the attention. It does not matter if she is unhappy in the current environment.

Holly, she's not allowed to talk to an old boyfriend? It was him who said he loved her, not the other way around. They hadn't talked in two years.

Fair point. What about the lying?

Fair point. What about the lying?

You put her in an embarrassing situation. You've never lied about anything in your life? What was the reason you lied? Embarrassment? You're accusing her of basically cheating on you. We all become little children when our moms asked if we broke a dish and we say, no. We're all not Vulcans. Everybody responds to an embarrassing situation this way. And you knew the answer. And she probably knew you knew the answer. Come on.

Holly, she's not allowed to talk to an old boyfriend? It was him who said he loved her, not the other way around. They hadn't talked in two years.

Dan, she lied about the texts. He told her he loved her, yet she was still accepting communication. This is unacceptable.

Plus, she was texting him daily. She hasn't spoken to this guy in years.

You put her in an embarrassing situation. You've never lied about anything in your life? What was the reason you lied? Embarrassment? You're accusing her of basically cheating on you. We all become little children when our moms asked if we broke a dish and we say, no. We're all not Vulcans. Everybody responds to an embarrassing situation this way. And you knew the answer. And she probably knew you knew the answer. Come on.

She was cheating.

Dan, she lied about the texts. He told her he loved her, yet she was still accepting communication. This is unacceptable.

I would ask the same thing lof you I did of Mywoo. You've never lied about meeting an old friend and not telling your boyfriend about it? You've never lied to get out of an embarrassing situation or not to hurt someone's feelings?

"and he said to her that if her and I do not work out that he would drop everything for her. "

This is when it should have been shut down, yet she continued and lied repeatedly.

I would ask the same thing lof you I did of Mywoo. You've never lied about meeting an old friend and not telling your boyfriend about it? You've never lied to get out of an embarrassing situation or not to hurt someone's feelings?

Yes. And it is wrong. SHE WAS CHEATING ON HIM EMOTIONALLY!

Plus, she was texting him daily. She hasn't spoken to this guy in years.

Apparently, she's 700 miles from her friends and she has no one else to speak to. And the guy told her he loved her while her husband is arguing with her. Most people would continue talking just out of spite. It's human nature. She didn't run off to sleep with the guy like we see with teenage girls who have a fight with their boyfriends.

Apparently, she's 700 miles from her friends and she has no one else to speak to. And the guy told her he loved her while her husband is arguing with her. Most people would continue talking just out of spite. It's human nature. She didn't run off to sleep with the guy like we see with teenage girls who have a fight with their boyfriends.

So what.

I'm sorry, but you are really off on this. She would not have lied if she did not have something to hide.

If I were involved with someone, and another man told me he had feelings, it would be shut down. It would be disrespectful to my partner.

You can emotionally cheat without contact. You know this.

"and he said to her that if her and I do not work out that he would drop everything for her. "

This is when it should have been shut down, yet she continued and lied repeatedly.

Holly. You are right and that is when I did shut it down.

Dan, I have not lied to my wife about speaking with an ex. I have not deleted messages either. In fact, on Thursday a coworker sent me reached out to me on FB, and my wife has said that she is uncomfortable with her. I deleted the invite, blocked her from FB, and yes, told my wife about it.

Holly. You are right and that is when I did shut it down.

You should not have been the one that did. This will happen again. If not him, then someone else. Address this problem with a counselor.

Yes. And it is wrong. SHE WAS CHEATING ON HIM EMOTIONALLY!

So if I think about an old girlfriend, I am cheating on my wife? If I talk to an old girlfriend, I'm cheating on my wife? If I meet an old girlfriend for coffee, I am cheating on my wife? People aren't allowed to have feelings for other people or talk to other people in their lives? Come on.

IDK about that. However, the stressful living situation is we live with her family due to finances. There are 7 adults and 2 children in a 4 bedroom house. No one gets a long at all. I try to speak with her mom and brother, and get straight up ignored, and it bothers my wife that her family treats me that way. When we are at the house she gets SUPER stressed, hence the counselor.

I feel that she is having her past brought up in counselling and it is making her want to close loose ends.

So if I think about an old girlfriend, I am cheating on my wife? If I talk to an old girlfriend, I'm cheating on my wife? If I meet an old girlfriend for coffee, I am cheating on my wife? People aren't allowed to have feelings for other people or talk to other people in their lives? Come on.

He was telling her he loved her and thought of her daily. If you think that this is okay, then that is your prerogative.

OP, I wish you the best!!!!