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I have a girlfriend but can't get another girl off my mind


williamlook

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Hi everyone,

 

I feel a bit confused right now. I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl. We've been together for 2 years and everything is going fine. We get along, we never really fight, we have a lot in common, she's someone I can count on, someone I can really talk to, she's REALLY committed to me, she loves me, she respects me, she's incredibly sweet and quite frankly until now I was pretty sure I would want to marry her eventually. (look, maybe I will) Distance is not really an issue for us. We've been one of those long-distance couples that really work. We talk every day and I visit her reasonably often. Our relationship is really serious. I've met her parents and the rest of her family. I've spent a lot of time with them and they definitely expect me to marry her someday. I might want to add that they're Indian so, although her parents are very relaxed (unlike more conservative Indian families), relationships are still a big deal for them.

 

But here's what happened...

Last night, I was going out with friends and I met another girl who I found really nice. And well, I ed up. No I didn't kiss her or anything, but I didn't immediately make it clear that I had a girlfriend. Worse, when she asked me who the girl on my phone's wallpaper is, I avoided the topic. I was really seduced by her and then I basically spent the whole night dancing with her in a very promiscuous way and I believe I felt more than mere physical attraction for her. When we finally left the bar, we had this brief absurd conversation about whether we should see each other again which went along those lines "So, do you want to see me again?" "I don't know, do YOU want to see me again?", "I don't know, do YOU?" something like that.

Until I left without giving her my number or any way in which she can contact me. That's the moment when what was left of my commitment to my girlfriend prevented me from giving her my number or facebook.

 

You might think that the next day I would feel satisfied about not giving her my number and getting back on track after this momentary mistake. But no... part of me really regretted not staying in touch with that girl and now I CANNOT get her off my mind. Is it really about that one girl? Or am I just too passionate as a person? I don't know.

At the same time, I also feel guilty and sad for being direspectful to my girlfriend. I wasn't even able to withhold it from her. I told her what happened. It hurts me too much to hide something like that from her. She's sad but I think she'll get over it. Dancing with someone else for too long is forgivable. I didn't tell her I was still thinking about that girl, though and I know I cheated on her in my heart.

 

And now of course I'm confused and asking myself questions: Do I really love my girlfriend? Do those things simply happen at some point? Is resisting those kinds of temptations part of the game or do I have a problem and should I reconsider my relationship with her? Do I have genuine feelings for that girl I've just met, as absurd as it may seem? Should I try to contact her back or should I just forget about her as fast as possible? Is it normal to sometimes think more about another girl than about your girlfriend?

On the one hand, I feel like I'm extremely lucky to be with someone like her and I have an incredibly stable relationship, which is something incredibly valuable. Yet at the same time, I sometimes wonder if I'm really in love with her or if I'm mostly staying with her because it's very comfortable. She's really an exceptional person and we're very compatible, at least personality-wise. It just works.

But I'm not going to lie, I don't think about her as the sexiest girl ever. I have absolutely no issue having sex with her and I do find her attractive and everything. But I've rarely felt a really PASSIONATE physical desire for her like I did for other girls in the past, and like I know I would for this girl I've just met.

Does it just mean you simply can't get everything, the perfect girlfriend AND also the sexiest girl? Or is it really problematic that I find some other girls hotter than her? I don't know.

I'm a bit confused. Sorry for the long rant.

 

Thoughts, anyone?

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She's sad but I think she'll get over it. Dancing with someone else for too long is forgivable. I didn't tell her I was still thinking about that girl, though and I know I cheated on her in my heart.

You just danced with someone; you didn’t hook up. So no cheating occurred. You shouldn’t have said something to your girlfriend because you did nothing wrong. You went to had fun with friends and danced.

 

But the fact you are thinking about the other woman is a sign you are drifting from your current relationship. LDRs are very difficult to manage and are not for everyone. You say that your relationship is stable, but is it really? Just because you and your girlfriend don’t fight doesn’t mean it’s a healthy relationship. Conflict resolution is part of building a relationship. You aren’t sharing a place together or are physically with each other to have anything to fight over. And honestly, who cares what her parents think or expect your relationship to be. It’s none of their business whether you both are thinking about marriage until an engagement actually happens. They aren’t the ones having to live with that relationship- you do.

 

You should really think about where your current relationship is headed and what your needs are. Are your needs truly being met? From the behavior described at the bar/club, its a sure sign that you are missing a need from your current relationship.

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You didn't hook up or do anything inappropriate. It just sounds as though you've got a bit of a crush on this other girl, who you don't really know at all apart from the fact that you spent the evening dancing... and, by the way, don't read anything more into that than the fact you dance well together. You haven't got anything more than physical attraction for her, because you haven't had time to get to know her. To be honest, if you don't 'feed' this crush, e.g. by making a huge effort to get in contact with the other girl or trying to track her down, you'll probably find that your feelings fade away quite quickly anyway.

 

It sounds as though dancing and clubbing ARE a need which isn't being satisfied in your current relationship, though. In fact, it might be useful to think about how things could be with this girl you've only just met... because they're bound to be fantasies, but will tell you what's lacking in your relationship with your girlfriend and may be something you could discuss with her and plan together. NOT with someone who's little more than a total stranger.

 

Whatever, my advice to you is not to do anything to end your relationship with your girlfriend, and see what happens with your feelings. If you're still feeling infatuated by this other girl, best to end your current relationship. But I wouldn't mind betting you're over her by then!

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So, during your life you are going to encounter a lot of women that you are attracted to. Recognize that most of the time that is an in-the-moment kind of thing.

 

If you are committed to your girlfriend, then it may not be wise for you to go dancing without her around.

 

On the other hand, if you are not committed to her, let her know that so she can decide about her life too.

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Look, moments like this are going to happen over the course of any long term relationship. Be it long distance or not, I think the two year mark invariably stirs some questions: Where's this going? Is it feeding what needs to be fed? And so on...

 

Take a minute to sit with those, because as others have pointed out your thoughts/feelings about this new person are really just projections, fantasies. She's not really an answer to anything, but the questions she's triggering are important.

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It sounds as though dancing and clubbing ARE a need which isn't being satisfied in your current relationship, though. In fact, it might be useful to think about how things could be with this girl you've only just met... because they're bound to be fantasies, but will tell you what's lacking in your relationship with your girlfriend and may be something you could discuss with her and plan together. NOT with someone who's little more than a total stranger.

 

I'm not sure something is really missing from the relationship itself. I feel like sometimes I just long for my past freedom or maybe that initial excitement of falling in love and discovering a new person who makes you dream. But obviously that never lasts for very long.

I'm just trying to figure out if I have a real problem with my current relationship or if I'm just learning to cope with the commitment that comes with any real relationship and also some kind of "grass is always greener on the other side" effect.

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How often do you and your girlfriend see each other, OP? And how old are you both?

 

It sounds to me like your relationship is okay, but the distance is putting more strain on you than you thought.

 

I'm turning 23, she's 22. We see each other 6 times a year or something like that. Each time we spend somewhere between 5 to 15 days together except during the summer because as students we had a lot of free time then so this summer I've just spent 20 days with her and last summer more than a month, both times with her parents.

To be honest, while we see each other less frequently than people living in the same city, I think overall we spend pretty much as much time together as many young couples, except of course those who actually live together. It's just that instead of spending a few hours together every once in a while, we don't see each other at all and then spend a lot of time together non-stop.

Aside from that, we message each other every single day. No exception. And we call each other quite frequently too.

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Look, moments like this are going to happen over the course of any long term relationship. Be it long distance or not, I think the two year mark invariably stirs some questions: Where's this going? Is it feeding what needs to be fed? And so on...

 

Take a minute to sit with those, because as others have pointed out your thoughts/feelings about this new person are really just projections, fantasies. She's not really an answer to anything, but the questions she's triggering are important.

 

This is the truth.

 

This is going to happen at random times throughout your life. That's why they call marriage a COMMITMENT. It means that regardless of these incidents, you're still going to choose your partner. It's a concious choice.

 

Now all you have to do is make the choice to put your energy into your girlfriend, and not some fantasy about a random girl you met in a bar that you'll never see again.

 

This right here, right now, is what tells you whether or not you're ready for marriage. Are you ready to make the choice, to choose your girlfriend EVERY day, no matter the conditions. That's what marriage is.

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Distance is not really an issue for us.
Apparently it's a huge issue:
I met another girl I didn't immediately make it clear that I had a girlfriend. Worse, when she asked me who the girl on my phone's wallpaper is, I avoided the topic. I was really seduced by her and then I basically spent the whole night dancing with her in a very promiscuous way and I believe I felt more than mere physical attraction for her.
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I think your ages could well be a factor here, too.

 

You are both very young, and likely not ready to settle down forever. Had you dated much before you met your girlfriend, OP?

 

No, before her I've only had one real relationship. And before that I've had love affairs, especially one really passionate one but they didn't lead to real relationships. So I've only kissed four girls in my life and had sex with two. Not that it's a bad thing, but yes, sometimes I'm curious. I had to choose between being free at one of the best times, or settle with a really great and exceptionally loyal girl to have a stable relationship. I chose the second option, because I felt girls like her are pretty rare and I didn't want to miss that opportunity, and also because I'm not the best at casual relationships anyway. It's not really my style. I almost never hit on girls, any relationship or love affair I've had was the result of circumstances, not me actively trying to get a girl.

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I was really seduced by her and then I basically spent the whole night dancing with her in a very promiscuous way and I believe I felt more than mere physical attraction for her.

(snip)

Do I have genuine feelings for that girl I've just met, as absurd as it may seem?

 

No, it wasn't more than physical attraction. No you don't have genuine feelings for the girl you just met.

 

This is called a crush, and it involves a chemical reaction that lies to you about what it means. You have no idea if you would even like this other girl when you got to know the real her.

 

To kind of your other question, about what having a crush means in terms of your current LDR, while this could have happened without the distance, chances are you would have been out dancing with your significant other and strengthening those bonds if that option had been available to you. The things we focus on tend to be the things we care most about. Distance is tough because it can be hard to keep the focus on someone who is not there with you sharing a significant part of your life.

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Well, love is always initially just a chemical reaction and sure, I don't know this girl, but it's not like we didn't talk. It actually all started because we talked, not because we danced. And even if it takes time to really know someone, one can already gather a lot of information about someone's personality after chatting for a good 40 minutes.

When I first met my previous girlfriend, it was actually quite similar. The context was different but after talking for just 30 minutes I felt something for her. It was just working. We started dating 3 days after we met and stayed together for almost 2 years. As for my current girlfriend it took more time for us to date but what I initially imagined about her in the first 20 minutes turned out to be essentially true. I just got to know her better, I didn't discover a new person.

When I say I felt more than sexual attraction for this random girl in a bar, I don't mean I'm in a good position to know if she would really be a good person for me. I mean I got interested in this girl as a person. If I were single, I would have taken her number and I'd have wanted to get to know her better and keep talking. I know how to find her and I'm currently struggling with myself to resist the temptation.

There are plenty of girls I'm very physically attracted to but who I don't think about romantically. I don't care who they are. They just look good.

That's not exactly what happened here.

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I think it's normal to feel this way. Feeling curiosity and attraction to other people is fine as long as u don't act on it. Time to sit down and decide what u want-freedom or this reltionship. Do u think when you get to 30 or after u get married, that you'll regret not having more dating experience? If it's a maybe, perhaps it's time to break up.

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I had to choose between being free at one of the best times, or settle with a really great and exceptionally loyal girl to have a stable relationship. I chose the second option, because I felt girls like her are pretty rare and I didn't want to miss that opportunity, and also because I'm not the best at casual relationships anyway. It's not really my style. I almost never hit on girls, any relationship or love affair I've had was the result of circumstances, not me actively trying to get a girl.

Keep in mind.... you are dating a girl from a very conservative culture (you said she’s Indian). Young people from that culture are typically looking for a marriage partner and are not willing to date others if they are “comfortable” in the relationship. Sure, cheating may less likely happen with a conservative partner (not always true though), but they are going to jump at the chance of marriage because of social pressures (family and religion), and sometimes do it so prematurely that they overlook the flaws that already exist and not work on them. I come from a conservative culture and have seen it happen within my own community.

 

My husband also came from a similar culture and only dated two women his entire life... me and someone else after me for a year. I had to push him out of a relationship and go our separate ways because he was not in a stable place to promise marriage or a future to me. We were in an LDR just like you, and it was not working because our needs were not being met (physical, sexual, and financial). Unfortunately, the reality with relationships is that love alone is never enough to satisfy a partner- there are other factors at play to make a relationship stay committed, which is why LDRs do not always work. We took a year off to meet other people that were closer and get settled in our careers... and it was honestly the best decision we’ve made together. Just from dating other people, we both learned what we liked, wanted, and needed in a lasting relationship that we couldn’t see from being together. It made our communication stronger when we reunited and decided to give it a second chance (which doesn’t always happen with most couples). I needed THIS to feel secure in our relationship, and he needed to feel THIS to feel a solid partnership. Our current marriage would not survive without that break up.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

There is nothing wrong with two consenting adults sexually exploring each other in a relationship together regardless of the “seriousness” as long as they acknowledge the risks and are prepared to handle them. Just because you kissed four random girls before her doesn’t make you a w***e. You are very young and are (AND SHOULD BE) exploring what your needs are... most people in their early 20’s do not have that figured out.

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Keep in mind.... you are dating a girl from a very conservative culture (you said she’s Indian). Young people from that culture are typically looking for a marriage partner and are not willing to date others if they are “comfortable” in the relationship. Sure, cheating may less likely happen with a conservative partner (not always true though), but they are going to jump at the chance of marriage because of social pressures (family and religion), and sometimes do it so prematurely that they overlook the flaws that already exist and not work on them. I come from a conservative culture and have seen it happen within my own community.

 

It's true that her culture could play a role in her commitment although her parents are not conservative at all and neither is she. They're not even religious. Her father, especially, is a proud atheist. I don't think the main reason she seems to be so eager to commit to me is social pressure because she's had several relationships before and her parents are cool about it. I think she's mostly very pure and romantic as a person and really wants a committed relationship regardless of what other people think. She lives in the UK, she's very "westernised" so I don't think her Indian roots are the main thing (although of course it's one factor).

To be honest, I feel like the pressure is rather on my side, because of how her family view me. It's not that they want her to marry as soon as possible or anything, but they just love me and think I'm a great partner for her. As a result, they've almost accepted me as part of the family, and I'm very close to her parents.

So, I realised that sometimes I feel a bit stuck. Everything's fine as long as I'm going to marry her. But then there's always a "what if", and I feel like her family would be incredibly disappointed if we ever broke up.

 

I don't feel like I want to break up, though. She's such an important part of my life and it honestly works well between us, despite what recently happened which is a one time incident. It's only now that I'm really asking myself questions. I don't really know what I want to be honest. But the problem is that "taking a break" doesn't seem to be an option with my girlfriend. We've just had a discussion about this because of course I had to tell her a bit about what was going on, and it seems quite clear that if I ever leave her, there's no way back.

Yesterday I told her "Look, sometimes I wish I could change time and I'd meet you when I'm 27 or something after I've had more experiences".

And that made her really sad. Because she doesn't feel that way at all, apparently. Despite her previous relationships, she's never had proper sex with anyone else before me yet she feels perfectly satisfied about this.

I wish I could experience not being committed to anyone again just to feel sure that I really want to stay with her, but that's impossible. It would only be possible if she also felt like me that she could get something out of a break. But she doesn't. It seems she has absolutely zero interest for any other guy.

 

At the same time, when I personally think about being free to do whatever I want again, I can also imagine all the pain of bad relationships and disloyal and dishonest women I've known in the past as well as the jealousy I may experience if my girlfriend started dating someone else. Maybe I'd be fine... but I'm not sure. I used to think I would be fine about leaving my previous girlfriend and knowing she's doing stuff with other guys until it actually happened and I felt horrible about it.

Maybe being free again is just not worth it when you consider the whole picture.

It's very easy to find sexual partners. Building a real, serious and comfortable relationship, though, is much harder and I honestly think my current relationship has been exceptionally stable so far. None of my friends seems to have that, which makes me think I may just be too blind to see how lucky I am and I may sorely regret it if I destroyed this relationship.

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I mean... I can't really imagine myself saying "I had a great, quite attractive, incredibly kind and committed girlfriend who loved me so much and supported everything I did. I had a fantastic relationship with her parents and also other members of her family. We were going to find a flat and settle down togeher for good... but then I met a random Hungarian girl in a bar, had one conversation with her and then we danced, and then I couldn't stop thinking about her so I decided to destroy my entire relationship with my great partner to give myself a chance to see that girl again. Then it didn't really work and that, my friend, is how I got single again."

If I heard someone say that, I'd think this guy is a complete moron.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I want to really stress an important factor here william.... YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS TYPE OF COMMITMENT

 

Don't get me wrong, I think some 23 year old men can settle down for the rest of their lives but not many

 

This isn't about you dancing with some girl, or your relationship being long distance, or not feeling lustful attraction to your gf

 

What the problem is is you're not ready to have a long term, long distance relationship and you're definitely not ready to get married

 

And guess what??? That is 100% ok! I wasn't ready to settle down when I was 23. I've known many people who married in their early-mid twenties and regretted it because they never got to live their lives on their own, they never got to find themselves

 

Don't beat yourself up william, it's not your fault for feeling the way you do. It's normal for a 23 year old guy to want to be on his own, date and mess around. What is not ok is leading your gf on, making her believe you can and will commit to here when you're not ready

 

Please be true to yourself, embrace your youth and have fun on your own! Who wants to be tied down at 23???

 

I understand breaking up with your gf would be hard but leading her (unintentionally) on will only hurt her worse down the line

 

Go live your life, dance with girls, date, and have all the fun you want but don't wait to pull the plug with your gf

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