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Thread: I have a girlfriend but can't get another girl off my mind

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's interesting that you deny LDRs are difficult particularly as far as affection/sex is concerned yet lust and obsess over this random encounter.
    Originally Posted by williamlook
    I'm currently struggling with myself to resist the temptation.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    I had to choose between being free at one of the best times, or settle with a really great and exceptionally loyal girl to have a stable relationship. I chose the second option, because I felt girls like her are pretty rare and I didn't want to miss that opportunity, and also because I'm not the best at casual relationships anyway. It's not really my style. I almost never hit on girls, any relationship or love affair I've had was the result of circumstances, not me actively trying to get a girl.
    Keep in mind.... you are dating a girl from a very conservative culture (you said she’s Indian). Young people from that culture are typically looking for a marriage partner and are not willing to date others if they are “comfortable” in the relationship. Sure, cheating may less likely happen with a conservative partner (not always true though), but they are going to jump at the chance of marriage because of social pressures (family and religion), and sometimes do it so prematurely that they overlook the flaws that already exist and not work on them. I come from a conservative culture and have seen it happen within my own community.

    My husband also came from a similar culture and only dated two women his entire life... me and someone else after me for a year. I had to push him out of a relationship and go our separate ways because he was not in a stable place to promise marriage or a future to me. We were in an LDR just like you, and it was not working because our needs were not being met (physical, sexual, and financial). Unfortunately, the reality with relationships is that love alone is never enough to satisfy a partner- there are other factors at play to make a relationship stay committed, which is why LDRs do not always work. We took a year off to meet other people that were closer and get settled in our careers... and it was honestly the best decision we’ve made together. Just from dating other people, we both learned what we liked, wanted, and needed in a lasting relationship that we couldn’t see from being together. It made our communication stronger when we reunited and decided to give it a second chance (which doesn’t always happen with most couples). I needed THIS to feel secure in our relationship, and he needed to feel THIS to feel a solid partnership. Our current marriage would not survive without that break up.

    Does that make any sense?

    There is nothing wrong with two consenting adults sexually exploring each other in a relationship together regardless of the “seriousness” as long as they acknowledge the risks and are prepared to handle them. Just because you kissed four random girls before her doesn’t make you a w***e. You are very young and are (AND SHOULD BE) exploring what your needs are... most people in their early 20’s do not have that figured out.
    Last edited by Snny; 08-07-2018 at 09:04 PM.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Snny
    Keep in mind.... you are dating a girl from a very conservative culture (you said she’s Indian). Young people from that culture are typically looking for a marriage partner and are not willing to date others if they are “comfortable” in the relationship. Sure, cheating may less likely happen with a conservative partner (not always true though), but they are going to jump at the chance of marriage because of social pressures (family and religion), and sometimes do it so prematurely that they overlook the flaws that already exist and not work on them. I come from a conservative culture and have seen it happen within my own community.
    It's true that her culture could play a role in her commitment although her parents are not conservative at all and neither is she. They're not even religious. Her father, especially, is a proud atheist. I don't think the main reason she seems to be so eager to commit to me is social pressure because she's had several relationships before and her parents are cool about it. I think she's mostly very pure and romantic as a person and really wants a committed relationship regardless of what other people think. She lives in the UK, she's very "westernised" so I don't think her Indian roots are the main thing (although of course it's one factor).
    To be honest, I feel like the pressure is rather on my side, because of how her family view me. It's not that they want her to marry as soon as possible or anything, but they just love me and think I'm a great partner for her. As a result, they've almost accepted me as part of the family, and I'm very close to her parents.
    So, I realised that sometimes I feel a bit stuck. Everything's fine as long as I'm going to marry her. But then there's always a "what if", and I feel like her family would be incredibly disappointed if we ever broke up.

    I don't feel like I want to break up, though. She's such an important part of my life and it honestly works well between us, despite what recently happened which is a one time incident. It's only now that I'm really asking myself questions. I don't really know what I want to be honest. But the problem is that "taking a break" doesn't seem to be an option with my girlfriend. We've just had a discussion about this because of course I had to tell her a bit about what was going on, and it seems quite clear that if I ever leave her, there's no way back.
    Yesterday I told her "Look, sometimes I wish I could change time and I'd meet you when I'm 27 or something after I've had more experiences".
    And that made her really sad. Because she doesn't feel that way at all, apparently. Despite her previous relationships, she's never had proper sex with anyone else before me yet she feels perfectly satisfied about this.
    I wish I could experience not being committed to anyone again just to feel sure that I really want to stay with her, but that's impossible. It would only be possible if she also felt like me that she could get something out of a break. But she doesn't. It seems she has absolutely zero interest for any other guy.

    At the same time, when I personally think about being free to do whatever I want again, I can also imagine all the pain of bad relationships and disloyal and dishonest women I've known in the past as well as the jealousy I may experience if my girlfriend started dating someone else. Maybe I'd be fine... but I'm not sure. I used to think I would be fine about leaving my previous girlfriend and knowing she's doing stuff with other guys until it actually happened and I felt horrible about it.
    Maybe being free again is just not worth it when you consider the whole picture.
    It's very easy to find sexual partners. Building a real, serious and comfortable relationship, though, is much harder and I honestly think my current relationship has been exceptionally stable so far. None of my friends seems to have that, which makes me think I may just be too blind to see how lucky I am and I may sorely regret it if I destroyed this relationship.

  4. #24
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    I mean... I can't really imagine myself saying "I had a great, quite attractive, incredibly kind and committed girlfriend who loved me so much and supported everything I did. I had a fantastic relationship with her parents and also other members of her family. We were going to find a flat and settle down togeher for good... but then I met a random Hungarian girl in a bar, had one conversation with her and then we danced, and then I couldn't stop thinking about her so I decided to destroy my entire relationship with my great partner to give myself a chance to see that girl again. Then it didn't really work and that, my friend, is how I got single again."
    If I heard someone say that, I'd think this guy is a complete moron.

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  6. #25
    Bronze Member DissyLu's Avatar
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    I want to really stress an important factor here william.... YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS TYPE OF COMMITMENT

    Don't get me wrong, I think some 23 year old men can settle down for the rest of their lives but not many

    This isn't about you dancing with some girl, or your relationship being long distance, or not feeling lustful attraction to your gf

    What the problem is is you're not ready to have a long term, long distance relationship and you're definitely not ready to get married

    And guess what??? That is 100% ok! I wasn't ready to settle down when I was 23. I've known many people who married in their early-mid twenties and regretted it because they never got to live their lives on their own, they never got to find themselves

    Don't beat yourself up william, it's not your fault for feeling the way you do. It's normal for a 23 year old guy to want to be on his own, date and mess around. What is not ok is leading your gf on, making her believe you can and will commit to here when you're not ready

    Please be true to yourself, embrace your youth and have fun on your own! Who wants to be tied down at 23???

    I understand breaking up with your gf would be hard but leading her (unintentionally) on will only hurt her worse down the line

    Go live your life, dance with girls, date, and have all the fun you want but don't wait to pull the plug with your gf

  7. #26
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    Totally agree with DissyLu. I've never understood the rationale in this day and age for settling down before the age of 30. I know many people do it, have successful marriages (somehow), families, etc. I'm glad and happy for those who did it and made everything work. It just wasn't for me.....or a lot of other people.....

    I was in a long term relationship at your age and she was really pressuring me to get married and start a family. I'm sure that if I'd chose that path, I would have been a divorced father of three by the time I was in my early thirties and life would have really been hell.

    Do the honorable thing and breakup with her. You already are aware of the fact that there are many women out there that you are attracted to and want to pursue without regret or remorse.

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