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Thread: I have a girlfriend but can't get another girl off my mind

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    How often do you and your girlfriend see each other, OP? And how old are you both?

    It sounds to me like your relationship is okay, but the distance is putting more strain on you than you thought.
    I'm turning 23, she's 22. We see each other 6 times a year or something like that. Each time we spend somewhere between 5 to 15 days together except during the summer because as students we had a lot of free time then so this summer I've just spent 20 days with her and last summer more than a month, both times with her parents.
    To be honest, while we see each other less frequently than people living in the same city, I think overall we spend pretty much as much time together as many young couples, except of course those who actually live together. It's just that instead of spending a few hours together every once in a while, we don't see each other at all and then spend a lot of time together non-stop.
    Aside from that, we message each other every single day. No exception. And we call each other quite frequently too.

  2. #12
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    Thank you all for your replies, this is really helpful.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Look, moments like this are going to happen over the course of any long term relationship. Be it long distance or not, I think the two year mark invariably stirs some questions: Where's this going? Is it feeding what needs to be fed? And so on...

    Take a minute to sit with those, because as others have pointed out your thoughts/feelings about this new person are really just projections, fantasies. She's not really an answer to anything, but the questions she's triggering are important.
    This is the truth.

    This is going to happen at random times throughout your life. That's why they call marriage a COMMITMENT. It means that regardless of these incidents, you're still going to choose your partner. It's a concious choice.

    Now all you have to do is make the choice to put your energy into your girlfriend, and not some fantasy about a random girl you met in a bar that you'll never see again.

    This right here, right now, is what tells you whether or not you're ready for marriage. Are you ready to make the choice, to choose your girlfriend EVERY day, no matter the conditions. That's what marriage is.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by williamlook
    Distance is not really an issue for us.
    Apparently it's a huge issue:
    Originally Posted by williamlook
    I met another girl I didn't immediately make it clear that I had a girlfriend. Worse, when she asked me who the girl on my phone's wallpaper is, I avoided the topic. I was really seduced by her and then I basically spent the whole night dancing with her in a very promiscuous way and I believe I felt more than mere physical attraction for her.

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  6. #15
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    Well that could have happened regardless of where we live. Some people do far worse than that even though they live in the same town, or even the same house. I don't think this incident is due to long distance.

  7. #16
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    I think your ages could well be a factor here, too.

    You are both very young, and likely not ready to settle down forever. Had you dated much before you met your girlfriend, OP?

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    I think your ages could well be a factor here, too.

    You are both very young, and likely not ready to settle down forever. Had you dated much before you met your girlfriend, OP?
    No, before her I've only had one real relationship. And before that I've had love affairs, especially one really passionate one but they didn't lead to real relationships. So I've only kissed four girls in my life and had sex with two. Not that it's a bad thing, but yes, sometimes I'm curious. I had to choose between being free at one of the best times, or settle with a really great and exceptionally loyal girl to have a stable relationship. I chose the second option, because I felt girls like her are pretty rare and I didn't want to miss that opportunity, and also because I'm not the best at casual relationships anyway. It's not really my style. I almost never hit on girls, any relationship or love affair I've had was the result of circumstances, not me actively trying to get a girl.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by williamlook
    I was really seduced by her and then I basically spent the whole night dancing with her in a very promiscuous way and I believe I felt more than mere physical attraction for her.
    (snip)
    Do I have genuine feelings for that girl I've just met, as absurd as it may seem?
    No, it wasn't more than physical attraction. No you don't have genuine feelings for the girl you just met.

    This is called a crush, and it involves a chemical reaction that lies to you about what it means. You have no idea if you would even like this other girl when you got to know the real her.

    To kind of your other question, about what having a crush means in terms of your current LDR, while this could have happened without the distance, chances are you would have been out dancing with your significant other and strengthening those bonds if that option had been available to you. The things we focus on tend to be the things we care most about. Distance is tough because it can be hard to keep the focus on someone who is not there with you sharing a significant part of your life.

  10. #19
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    Well, love is always initially just a chemical reaction and sure, I don't know this girl, but it's not like we didn't talk. It actually all started because we talked, not because we danced. And even if it takes time to really know someone, one can already gather a lot of information about someone's personality after chatting for a good 40 minutes.
    When I first met my previous girlfriend, it was actually quite similar. The context was different but after talking for just 30 minutes I felt something for her. It was just working. We started dating 3 days after we met and stayed together for almost 2 years. As for my current girlfriend it took more time for us to date but what I initially imagined about her in the first 20 minutes turned out to be essentially true. I just got to know her better, I didn't discover a new person.
    When I say I felt more than sexual attraction for this random girl in a bar, I don't mean I'm in a good position to know if she would really be a good person for me. I mean I got interested in this girl as a person. If I were single, I would have taken her number and I'd have wanted to get to know her better and keep talking. I know how to find her and I'm currently struggling with myself to resist the temptation.
    There are plenty of girls I'm very physically attracted to but who I don't think about romantically. I don't care who they are. They just look good.
    That's not exactly what happened here.

  11. #20
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    I think it's normal to feel this way. Feeling curiosity and attraction to other people is fine as long as u don't act on it. Time to sit down and decide what u want-freedom or this reltionship. Do u think when you get to 30 or after u get married, that you'll regret not having more dating experience? If it's a maybe, perhaps it's time to break up.

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