Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 26

Thread: I have a girlfriend but can't get another girl off my mind

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    13
    Gender
    Male

    I have a girlfriend but can't get another girl off my mind

    Hi everyone,

    I feel a bit confused right now. I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl. We've been together for 2 years and everything is going fine. We get along, we never really fight, we have a lot in common, she's someone I can count on, someone I can really talk to, she's REALLY committed to me, she loves me, she respects me, she's incredibly sweet and quite frankly until now I was pretty sure I would want to marry her eventually. (look, maybe I will) Distance is not really an issue for us. We've been one of those long-distance couples that really work. We talk every day and I visit her reasonably often. Our relationship is really serious. I've met her parents and the rest of her family. I've spent a lot of time with them and they definitely expect me to marry her someday. I might want to add that they're Indian so, although her parents are very relaxed (unlike more conservative Indian families), relationships are still a big deal for them.

    But here's what happened...
    Last night, I was going out with friends and I met another girl who I found really nice. And well, I ed up. No I didn't kiss her or anything, but I didn't immediately make it clear that I had a girlfriend. Worse, when she asked me who the girl on my phone's wallpaper is, I avoided the topic. I was really seduced by her and then I basically spent the whole night dancing with her in a very promiscuous way and I believe I felt more than mere physical attraction for her. When we finally left the bar, we had this brief absurd conversation about whether we should see each other again which went along those lines "So, do you want to see me again?" "I don't know, do YOU want to see me again?", "I don't know, do YOU?" something like that.
    Until I left without giving her my number or any way in which she can contact me. That's the moment when what was left of my commitment to my girlfriend prevented me from giving her my number or facebook.

    You might think that the next day I would feel satisfied about not giving her my number and getting back on track after this momentary mistake. But no... part of me really regretted not staying in touch with that girl and now I CANNOT get her off my mind. Is it really about that one girl? Or am I just too passionate as a person? I don't know.
    At the same time, I also feel guilty and sad for being direspectful to my girlfriend. I wasn't even able to withhold it from her. I told her what happened. It hurts me too much to hide something like that from her. She's sad but I think she'll get over it. Dancing with someone else for too long is forgivable. I didn't tell her I was still thinking about that girl, though and I know I cheated on her in my heart.

    And now of course I'm confused and asking myself questions: Do I really love my girlfriend? Do those things simply happen at some point? Is resisting those kinds of temptations part of the game or do I have a problem and should I reconsider my relationship with her? Do I have genuine feelings for that girl I've just met, as absurd as it may seem? Should I try to contact her back or should I just forget about her as fast as possible? Is it normal to sometimes think more about another girl than about your girlfriend?
    On the one hand, I feel like I'm extremely lucky to be with someone like her and I have an incredibly stable relationship, which is something incredibly valuable. Yet at the same time, I sometimes wonder if I'm really in love with her or if I'm mostly staying with her because it's very comfortable. She's really an exceptional person and we're very compatible, at least personality-wise. It just works.
    But I'm not going to lie, I don't think about her as the sexiest girl ever. I have absolutely no issue having sex with her and I do find her attractive and everything. But I've rarely felt a really PASSIONATE physical desire for her like I did for other girls in the past, and like I know I would for this girl I've just met.
    Does it just mean you simply can't get everything, the perfect girlfriend AND also the sexiest girl? Or is it really problematic that I find some other girls hotter than her? I don't know.
    I'm a bit confused. Sorry for the long rant.

    Thoughts, anyone?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    19,702
    Your girlfriend sounds more like a great friend. I think she deserves someone who is passionate about her, and totally committed. If you do know that you love her at this point, then you do not.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    13
    Gender
    Male
    Thanks for your input. Don't you think any relationship is bound to evolve towards romantic friendship, anyway?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    6,357
    She's sad but I think she'll get over it. Dancing with someone else for too long is forgivable. I didn't tell her I was still thinking about that girl, though and I know I cheated on her in my heart.
    You just danced with someone; you didnít hook up. So no cheating occurred. You shouldnít have said something to your girlfriend because you did nothing wrong. You went to had fun with friends and danced.

    But the fact you are thinking about the other woman is a sign you are drifting from your current relationship. LDRs are very difficult to manage and are not for everyone. You say that your relationship is stable, but is it really? Just because you and your girlfriend donít fight doesnít mean itís a healthy relationship. Conflict resolution is part of building a relationship. You arenít sharing a place together or are physically with each other to have anything to fight over. And honestly, who cares what her parents think or expect your relationship to be. Itís none of their business whether you both are thinking about marriage until an engagement actually happens. They arenít the ones having to live with that relationship- you do.

    You should really think about where your current relationship is headed and what your needs are. Are your needs truly being met? From the behavior described at the bar/club, its a sure sign that you are missing a need from your current relationship.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    19,702
    Originally Posted by williamlook
    Thanks for your input. Don't you think any relationship is bound to evolve towards romantic friendship, anyway?
    No. And, you are not even married. She deserves someone who is passionate for her, not comfortable. Does she know how you feel?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    7,697
    You didn't hook up or do anything inappropriate. It just sounds as though you've got a bit of a crush on this other girl, who you don't really know at all apart from the fact that you spent the evening dancing... and, by the way, don't read anything more into that than the fact you dance well together. You haven't got anything more than physical attraction for her, because you haven't had time to get to know her. To be honest, if you don't 'feed' this crush, e.g. by making a huge effort to get in contact with the other girl or trying to track her down, you'll probably find that your feelings fade away quite quickly anyway.

    It sounds as though dancing and clubbing ARE a need which isn't being satisfied in your current relationship, though. In fact, it might be useful to think about how things could be with this girl you've only just met... because they're bound to be fantasies, but will tell you what's lacking in your relationship with your girlfriend and may be something you could discuss with her and plan together. NOT with someone who's little more than a total stranger.

    Whatever, my advice to you is not to do anything to end your relationship with your girlfriend, and see what happens with your feelings. If you're still feeling infatuated by this other girl, best to end your current relationship. But I wouldn't mind betting you're over her by then!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    1,900
    So, during your life you are going to encounter a lot of women that you are attracted to. Recognize that most of the time that is an in-the-moment kind of thing.

    If you are committed to your girlfriend, then it may not be wise for you to go dancing without her around.

    On the other hand, if you are not committed to her, let her know that so she can decide about her life too.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    8,383
    How often do you and your girlfriend see each other, OP? And how old are you both?

    It sounds to me like your relationship is okay, but the distance is putting more strain on you than you thought.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,926
    Gender
    Male
    Look, moments like this are going to happen over the course of any long term relationship. Be it long distance or not, I think the two year mark invariably stirs some questions: Where's this going? Is it feeding what needs to be fed? And so on...

    Take a minute to sit with those, because as others have pointed out your thoughts/feelings about this new person are really just projections, fantasies. She's not really an answer to anything, but the questions she's triggering are important.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    13
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    It sounds as though dancing and clubbing ARE a need which isn't being satisfied in your current relationship, though. In fact, it might be useful to think about how things could be with this girl you've only just met... because they're bound to be fantasies, but will tell you what's lacking in your relationship with your girlfriend and may be something you could discuss with her and plan together. NOT with someone who's little more than a total stranger.
    I'm not sure something is really missing from the relationship itself. I feel like sometimes I just long for my past freedom or maybe that initial excitement of falling in love and discovering a new person who makes you dream. But obviously that never lasts for very long.
    I'm just trying to figure out if I have a real problem with my current relationship or if I'm just learning to cope with the commitment that comes with any real relationship and also some kind of "grass is always greener on the other side" effect.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •