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Thread: Weirdest Retroactive Jealousy story you might hear

  1. #1

    Weirdest Retroactive Jealousy story you might hear

    I am writing obviously to ask for advice because I do not know what to think of what is happening to me and any view or advice would be really appreciated.
    To be as succinct as possible: I met this girl few months ago and we fell in love and things went so fast that we are talking about future together. I have had several girlfriends in my past and a very big number of one night sex (more than 60). I have been quite promiscuous and did very nasty things, also have been in very romantic relationships and one of them lasted almost 4 years and counted a lot in my life.
    Now, she on the opposite, dated since her very young age a married man with kids that was almost 15 years older than her. He quit his wife and they stayed together for 8 years during which he never really wanted to give her a bigger role in his life that's why she decided to break up with him, almost a year before she meets me.
    Sexually, I am the second in her life after her ex. She has been very honest since the beginning and told me all of this, I trust her a lot and I believe she also trusts me.
    Ironically, I am the one having issues of retroactive jealousy despite the very rich past I had and the fact she has been with only one person on which she never cheated. But two issues are constantly disturbing me:
    One: 8 years is a very long time for a 27 year old. In every topic, the shadow of her ex reappears as in places she has been, things she did, tings she owned, etc. So much that I asked her not to speak about him again, she apologized and never did mention him again, she said that it's a relationship that counted and will always count in her life but that it is completely finished for her long time before she meets me and that she is not in contact with him anymore. I am still picturing her during our intimate time, doing the same things with him and that stops me sometimes or makes me feel really hurt. It also hurts that i am not that whenever i meet her friends and family, they look at me as the new guy, on contrast to the one that always been there for 8 years.


    Two: this one is hard to explain, but to me she seems so perfect that picturing her being crazily in love with an old man who was married and had kids and didn't commit to her during eight years, and she faced her family and friends for him, also he was apparently so poor he never was able to afford anything valuable to her although they lived together; makes me worry that I am not seeing the real person in her. Because somewhere in my irrational mind, a decent girl should not be so stupid as to live in such a trap relationship for 8 years and then leave him because he didn't commit. she also still says that she lived very happily in those 8 years, how can that be possible, to live with an old married man with kids who did not respect her and give her the consideration she deserves although she did everything for him? Now the question is: what if he comes back and decides to commit?

    Some might think i am a selfish ; but I cannot help having these ideas. We love each other a lot and I know that not even these ideas can break what we have, but it is burning inside me.

    My question is: are they legitimate? are my worries real or just a result of some hidden issues and insecurities? how to I cope with this?

  2. #2
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    I think the fact that she was bringing her ex up a lot was indeed a red flag, and then proceeded to say he was a big part of her life. Well, yes, of course - but one generally learns to filter out those details (places they went, things they did) when dating someone new. If he was popping up a lot in conversation, it's because she was still struggling to let of those memories.

    As for why she stayed with him for so long? Well, she probably hoped he would one day commit. That doesn't make her stupid, though it's interesting you make that judgment. It makes her naive and inexperienced, and she was doing what a lot of people do - hanging on to a dead-end relationship past its expiration date.

    I am not sure why it hurts you to be the "new" guy when you meet her friends and family. Do you feel you can't compare to him? That she would still prefer to be with him? At the end of the day, you can't not be the new guy in this scenario, but I am unsure why you're attaching such a negative connotation to that. New can be great, and happier.

    Just to get some context, when did your last long-term relationship end, and why?

  3. #3
    My last long term relatinoship ended 4 years ago because my exgirlfriend was paranoid and thought I was cheating on her which was never the case, also because of many different cultures as she was from latin america.

    As to my new girlfriend, she used to bring him very naturally on conversations when for example she speaks about an accident she had, where she was when her mom bought an appartment, how her mom would speak to er ex for hours and so on. She did not lie to me, she said that it's a log relation that will always count, but that she doesn't want any contact with him anymore, that everything she lived in the past was meant to to bring us together and that she alway dreamed of a person like me. Since I told her that she bring him up often, she apologized and said that it meant nothing, and since then she never brought him up.

    Why I am bothered of being the new guy? simply because it is a comparison with the old guy, I do not want to be contrasted or compared. I simply want to be the boyfriend.

    Should I work on my insecurities if any? should I talk to her? and in this case say what?

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    Why I am bothered of being the new guy? simply because it is a comparison with the old guy, I do not want to be contrasted or compared. I simply want to be the boyfriend.

    Should I work on my insecurities if any? should I talk to her? and in this case say what?
    The only person whose comparisons you can control are your own. You can't be afraid of what others will think, nor should you give that much weight to it. I have had some long-term relationships, lasting years, but those all ended for a reason too. The same goes for hers. It is human nature that they would draw some comparisons between you and her ex, but it will likely be more positive (in your favour, I mean) than negative. And really, what else can you do? Ask that they only praise you and never, ever think about her ex? You have to think in practical terms, and not project your own comparisons with him onto them.

    Yes, you should work on these insecurities. But they are not her issue to solve, so if you bring it up, remember that there is little she can do to ease your fears that she hasn't already done. She had agreed to stop talking about him, and it sounds as though she's integrated you into her life. What else do you feel she can do? I mean that sincerely.

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  6. #5
    I have been thinking of your question and I found the answer. I believe that what I might really find helpful is that she tells me clearly that our relationship counts to her more than the one that lasted 8 years, that our love is bigger and that I am more meaningful to her than him.

    I know that it is the case since she left him and she is now with me. But again, she left him because he didn't give her any consideration for 8 years, to stay with a person that long despite the lack of consideration needs a very very big love, which I do not know if I am getting the same, or more or less.. does this make sense? does it sound too selfish?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Two months in is infatuation. You are in the highs of hormones going crazy, which is not a good time to be making future, major decisions. Love takes a little longer to grow, and taking a day-by-day attitude is best to see the reality of who a person is over the longterm.

    It's normal to feel on shaky ground in the beginning of a new relationship. It's also normal to find out about a person's relationship history, but she took it a little too far by mentioning details you didn't need to know. It's good you asked her to stop, and she did. The human brain isn't fully formed until age 25, so blame her poor decision making on that. Now, she's older and wiser and hopefully making better decisions for herself.

    If you see no red flags going forward, focus on enjoying your time together. As each day goes by where you two are building beautiful memories together, the past will get further and further away and will fade in importance. I predict you'll feel more relaxed. I know I went through some anxious times when I first started dating my future husband, not knowing who he really was until he proved, over time, to be someone worthy of me. Good luck and I hope you find happiness with her.

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    If I was her, I'd be worried about you. You're the one with the one-night stands, not committing to the girls you slept with, using women as sex objects, and so forth. Despite what you think of her choice of a boyfriend (I would say he went after her when she was only 19), she at least showed loyalty to him and tried to make it work with him. This is the kind of girl who doesn't break off a relationship because things weren't going her way. She hung in there.

    Flip it around. If you were a guy who had only slept with one other girl, would you want to date a girl who slept with 60 different men at your age? I doubt it.

    Get over it. You should be happy she's not judging you as you are judging her. If you can't get over it, then break up now so she's only invested two months of emotion into the relationship rather than hurting her more down the line.

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    Originally Posted by thenewguyher
    I have been thinking of your question and I found the answer. I believe that what I might really find helpful is that she tells me clearly that our relationship counts to her more than the one that lasted 8 years, that our love is bigger and that I am more meaningful to her than him.

    I know that it is the case since she left him and she is now with me. But again, she left him because he didn't give her any consideration for 8 years, to stay with a person that long despite the lack of consideration needs a very very big love, which I do not know if I am getting the same, or more or less.. does this make sense? does it sound too selfish?
    OP, while I am glad you reflected on that question, you need some perspective here. You're not selfish for wanting to know you matter, but it's not realistic to want her to soothe your insecurity like this. She's been with you only a few months. Asking her to make a huge proclamation like that is premature and insincere; your relationship needs time to develop before she can authentically tell you these things. Otherwise, you're grasping at as-of-yet flimsy assertions to calm you down. That won't work. Let her say these things when she feels them, not when you hit the Panic Button and need your anxiety soothed.

    If you can't let the relationship grow organically without you feeling constantly on edge and judgmental of her past, then you should not be dating her. Honestly. Imagine if she was judging your past the same way, and wondering (for example) why you bounced from woman to woman to woman. Does she know about your own background? If so, and if she's not giving you grief for it, you need to cut this woman a little slack before you sabotage this.

    Which actually raises another point - do you think you could subconsciously be trying to sabotage this relationship? Is there a fear of commitment somewhere inside you? Just something to consider.

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    I don't know if this is the case, but could you be projecting a bit? Like, because of your past, you are blowing hers up in your mind. If your past doesn't matter so much to you, maybe hers doesn't have to matter so much either. Do you still have things in your past that you are not quite over, like the 4 year relationship that still matters to you?

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    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
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    "She did not lie to me, she said that it's a log relation that will always count, but that she doesn't want any contact with him anymore, that everything she lived in the past was meant to to bring us together and that she alway dreamed of a person like me. Since I told her that she bring him up often, she apologized and said that it meant nothing, and since then she never brought him up.

    Why I am bothered of being the new guy? simply because it is a comparison with the old guy,"


    -First.....saying you are ALL she ever wanted... and it only being a few months?
    When did they split? Did I miss that
    Yes, of course she is saying that..cause most likely, you are NEW and a change in her life. Is always great in the beginning.
    This is the honeymoon phase.

    Being compared? Because she is still kinda stuck in that past still... being compared is not too nice :/.

    Is this 'love'? I highly doubt it... REAL love evolves over time. As your relationship deepens.
    Right now is just excitement for you both.. or at least her?

    If you feel things are moving ahead too fast for you, speak up and there are things needed in order for a relationship
    to be successful.
    Communication...trust...empathy..honesty,etc. And..are you compatible?

    It all takes time.. and you can usually see who they really are after a few months.. when the mask falls off.
    Their attitude, if you're really that compatible.. you see each other's challenges & weakness'..etc.

    So, if you are truly into her... give it some more time.
    Do realize.. that we can NOT change anyone, but need to accept who they are.

    Are you really comfortable with her & her life? Does she seem genuine and happy?
    Is she really 'over her past broken relation'?

    Sometimes, people move on way too fast... If she was in a long-term, can take maybe a cpl of years to truly be
    over all of this, for her.
    She may actually be needing more time.. to get herself back to good... and maybe another relationship
    is not what she NEEDS at this time. If someone is not mentally & emotionally sound, expect issue's.

    Sadly, it sounds like YOU are already being set off by her ways. Her speach of her ex, being the new guy, etc.

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