Back in another no contact situation

I dated a girl for about a month recently who I met online. She lives fairly close, 40min drive and on average we saw each other every other day. She has two kids. We hit it off instantly and our relationship became emotional intense very quickly. In my 35 years I've never experienced anything so intense on an emotional scale this fast and neither did she. We never became intimate.

We both have anxiety issues. She definitely has major relationship issues having been cheating on multiple times, admitted to never being in a healthy committed relationship, and she revealed she had recently had an emotional breakdown because she felt she was broken and unlovable.

Things were moving along perfectly. I was feeling very confident and secure, she was incredibly affectionate and came off as borderline needy and maybe a bit desperate, but she pursued me pretty hard and started bringing me into her personal life so I just went with it. We shared a lot of intimate details about each other's lives and really opened up. Then I started to develop strong feelings for her and when that happened I started to feel vulnerable and insecure. I think I was just getting overwhelmed at how quickly everything was moving. At first it didn't affect me but after an embarrassing moment on our last date a fear of rejection set in and it skewed my perception of the following week of communication with her. I started to feel like she was withdrawing and I started to panic. I maintained composure throughout the week hoping it would just go away on its own but by Friday I decided to try no contact to see if she would reach out to me, hoping that would reassure me.

We went all day Friday without any contact, the first time since we started seeing each other. I let my curiosity get the better of me and I recreated my online dating profile that night and searched for her. I had deleted my original one after things progressed with us. When I searched for her I found her online and active. I did nothing, keeping my profile hidden, and slept on it. Saturday I woke up and checked again and she was still actively online. After a few more hours I decided to unhide my profile assuming I was right and she was pulling away. I still had not heard from her since Thursday.

Within the hour she found me online and sent me a message containing one word, "Really." I responded quickly in the heat of the moment saying I had felt like she was withdrawing from me all week so I came online to see if she was active, saw her, and assumed I was correct so I was going to just move on without creating a big emotional scene. I tried to convey that if I was mistaken that I wanted to talk about what happened but instead of responding to me she blocked me.

I took the weekend to reflect on my emotions from the previous week, and our relationship in general and it was then that I came to the realization that she had not been acting differently and there was absolutely no evidence that she was withdrawing from me. I had manifested this in my head to convince myself she was going to reject me which triggered a need to protect myself. Our conversations, all through text, weren't any different either. So from her perspective I just suddenly stopped talking to her one day and then she sees me back on a dating website the next day. I don't think that excuses her being active on it as well, especially since she pushed to define our relationship as a committed one a week prior, but she was terribly insecure, extremely apologetic and doubted whether she even deserved me.

I thought her blocking me was premature but I understand it as someone who has dealt with some bad cases of anxiety - fight or flight, fear of being hurt, etc.

I decided to write her a letter and mail it to her along with a necklace she had pointed out a couple times that she wanted. I apologized, explained what had really happened, and tried to prove my commitment to her and to our relationship through the letter and by buying her that necklace. I mailed it to her 2 days after we last spoke and it arrived at her place the next day and I haven't heard a peep since. That was almost 2 weeks ago. Since then I have deleted my dating profile again as I really have no interest in meeting anyone else as I'm still hopeful this can be salvaged.

Any advice, suggestions or comments on whether this has a chance to rebound back into the relationship we had started to build? All I want to do is have an actual conversation about what happened but she just ran away before anything could even be said.

I’d let it go (that’s a lie, i’d Know in my heart of hearts that I needed to let go but then hold onto it for far longer than is healthy or helpful because I have attachment issues) and also advise bein extremely wary of people who go from zero to 100 really fast. It’s not you they are attaching to, just an idea of you. You need more time to get to know someone properly

Well, you blew it. You blew the relationship. What was the embarrassing moment you suffered on your last date that triggered all this? It just sounds like you got cold feet no matter what reason you want to put on it. You know, after only a month, it doesn't matter what she was doing on the dating site (probably chatting with people) since you weren't official or exclusive. And doing a Hail Mary pass like sending a letter and a gift was a desperate, last ditch measure. It doesn't sound like she fell for it.

I think it's too late. You've lost her. Her lack of trust probably won't allow you a second chance. You need to move on and date other people.

OP, you are making excuses for her.

You describe how she was needy, terribly insecure and desperate to get you to commit just a week after meeting (all bad signs, in and of themselves) Then you find her active on a dating app. This woman has no clue what she wants, but she isn't ready for a mature relationship. Sure, she can speak to whomever she wants but as I understand it, she was the one who wanted to define your relationship. It doesn't make much sense for her to therefore open her options back up, and especially not for her to get angry at you when she is active online herself.

Anyway, I would let it go and move on. The next time a relationship starts off with a bang and goes full-steam ahead, listen to you gut and slow down. These types of relationships usually burn out just as quickly as they start, because the person is seeking to fill a void or soothe their anxiety and fear of being alone. Meaning, they use dating as a coping mechanism for underlying problems. It doesn't work.

" She definitely has major relationship issues having been cheating on multiple times, admitted to never being in a healthy committed relationship, and she revealed she had recently had an emotional breakdown because she felt she was broken and unlovable." What was attractive with all of this. Huge red flags. Also, the fact that it went at hyper speed. Sustainable relationships do not run at this pace.

This never had a chance.

You need to readdress what you are attracted to. It sounds like you have a bad picker, too.

What embarrassing thing happened on that date? It sounds like your initial instincts where accurate and reliable that this was way too much, way too soon, way too intense. Smothering and reactivating dating profiles are clues that something is amiss and won't "protect" you from anything. Nor will wild preemptive strikes and crazy games like that.

Next time get to know someone, pace yourself and discuss things like dating exclusively etc before you jump in like this. Reflect on your past and your need to accelerate this to the point of going off the rails.

Never write letters or send gifts after someone breaks up, stops communicating and blocks you unless you want to be arrested for stalking and/or have a restraining order slapped against you. Get a handle on this anxiety.

I dated a girl for about a month. we saw each other every other day. We never became intimate. When I searched for her I found her online and active. then she sees me back on a dating website the next day.

 

I decided to write her a letter and mail it to her along with a necklace she had pointed out a couple times that she wanted. it arrived at her place the next day and I haven't heard a peep since. That was almost 2 weeks ago.

OP, you are making excuses for her.

 

You describe how she was needy, terribly insecure and desperate to get you to commit just a week after meeting (all bad signs, in and of themselves) Then you find her active on a dating app. This woman has no clue what she wants, but she isn't ready for a mature relationship. Sure, she can speak to whomever she wants but as I understand it, she was the one who wanted to define your relationship. It doesn't make much sense for her to therefore open her options back up, and especially not for her to get angry at you when she is active online herself.

 

Anyway, I would let it go and move on. The next time a relationship starts off with a bang and goes full-steam ahead, listen to you gut and slow down. These types of relationships usually burn out just as quickly as they start, because the person is seeking to fill a void or soothe their anxiety and fear of being alone. Meaning, they use dating as a coping mechanism for underlying problems. It doesn't work.

Thanks for the reply MissCanuck.

I'm well aware I'm making up excuses for her. I can be too emphatic at times and she reminded me a lot of how I was many years ago.

She was definitely the pusher from the get go. She would subtly inquire if I was making known to people that I was seeing her, she was curious about what my parents thought, and yes she initiated the conversation about us being exclusive.

Who knows why she was back online. For all I know she was there for the same reason I was, checking to see if I was active. She was very insecure and had a history of being cheated on, add that to the fact I had decided not to message her that day si I can understand how someone could let their anxieties and insecurities get the better of themselves and go searching. I mean that's what I did.

Next time I'll pay more attention to that voice in my head and just walk away.

" She definitely has major relationship issues having been cheating on multiple times, admitted to never being in a healthy committed relationship, and she revealed she had recently had an emotional breakdown because she felt she was broken and unlovable." What was attractive with all of this. Huge red flags. Also, the fact that it went at hyper speed. Sustainable relationships do not run at this pace.

This never had a chance.

 

You need to readdress what you are attracted to. It sounds like you have a bad picker, too.

Her honesty and willingness to share was attractive. As I've said I'm a pretty emphatic person and I have a big heart. At times that works against me instead of for me.

Nothing that you did indicates this. Everything you did indicates anxiety, clinging, revenge and stalking.

I've said I'm a pretty emphatic person and I have a big heart.

Her honesty and willingness to share was attractive. As I've said I'm a pretty emphatic person and I have a big heart. At times that works against me instead of for me.

Willingness to share is all and good, but this woman has a terrible history and emotional problems. This is what you should have picked up on, and ran. If she had shared that she had murdered someone, would you have seen this as a positive?

"Pretty empathetic" is code for bad decision maker. You are choosing people who are incapable of healthy relationships. Until, you realize this, you will continue to make lousy choices.

What embarrassing thing happened on that date? It sounds like your initial instincts where accurate and reliable that this was way too much, way too soon, way too intense. Smothering and reactivating dating profiles are clues that something is amiss and won't "protect" you from anything. Nor will wild preemptive strikes and crazy games like that.

 

Next time get to know someone, pace yourself and discuss things like dating exclusively etc before you jump in like this. Reflect on your past and your need to accelerate this to the point of going off the rails.

 

Never write letters or send gifts after someone breaks up, stops communicating and blocks you unless you want to be arrested for stalking and/or have a restraining order slapped against you. Get a handle on this anxiety.

We did discuss exclusively dating. She initiated that conversation.

Her blocking me was an impulsive reaction to whatever she felt after seeing me online. She ran before anything could be said.

I really don't see how me attempting to communicate what had happened would get me arrested. I sent one letter and one gift as an olive branch and have done nothing since. Has nobody ever acted rashly and pushed someone away only to regret it afterwards? I figured I had nothing to lose and I'd rather try and fail then not try and wonder what if.

I also don't feel like I jumped in. She did the majority of the pursuing and initated most of our conversations throughout the day. Even when I started to feel insecure at the end I still felt very much in control of myself and my feelings. It wasn't until she chose to not engage in discussing this problem by blocking me before anything could be said that I lost control of myself. I took offense to it because it did feel like there was potential there, plus she was on her profile too so how can one be angry at someone for something they're already doing.

Nothing that you did indicates this. Everything you did indicates anxiety, clinging, revenge and stalking.

I really fail to see how you've interpreted my actions as revenge driven, stalkerish and clingy. I'll admit I have my own anxieties but for the duration of this short relationship she was the person pushing and pursuing everything so quickly. I made one single attempt to connect and try to discuss this two weeks ago and that's it. I haven't stalked her, called her, sent her texts or done anything to try to get her attention. I've even removed myself from some social media that we were both on.

Willingness to share is all and good, but this woman has a terrible history and emotional problems. This is what you should have picked up on, and ran. If she had shared that she had murdered someone, would you have seen this as a positive?

 

"Pretty empathetic" is code for bad decision maker. You are choosing people who are incapable of healthy relationships. Until, you realize this, you will continue to make lousy choices.

I agree completely and it's something I have become more aware of. I did pick up on it and my instincts at the time told me to back off but I ignored them. That's on me.

I also don't feel like I jumped in. She did the majority of the pursuing and initated most of our conversations throughout the day. Even when I started to feel insecure at the end I still felt very much in control of myself and my feelings. It wasn't until she chose to not engage in discussing this problem by blocking me before anything could be said that I lost control of myself. I took offense to it because it did feel like there was potential there, plus she was on her profile too so how can one be angry at someone for something they're already doing.

But you didn't pump the brakes along the way, did you?

If you went along with it, that's you jumping in with her. If not, that would be a different story.

Except send a letter and jewelry.

I haven't stalked her, called her, sent her texts or done anything to try to get her attention.

But you didn't pump the brakes along the way, did you?

 

If you went along with it, that's you jumping in with her. If not, that would be a different story.

Yes that is true. I guess I didn't really see it that way before but it does make sense. When I did hit the brakes the beginning of the last week I had allowed the relationship to progress too far, so essentially it crashed.

Her honesty and willingness to share was attractive. As I've said I'm a pretty emphatic person and I have a big heart. At times that works against me instead of for me.

Nope. Not what it was.

'I have a big heart' is the oldest excuse people who cling to relationships use.

I found it interesting you described her as desperate and needy, as if it was a negative and then went on to describe to us your own desperation and neediness. I saw you pointing that out as subcontiuously letting us know that she was on your level. That's what caused you to cling to her more, you thought 'desperate' safe bet, so you let your guard down and when you did that your own anxiety and desperation manifested itself into the disaster that occurred.

You find her active on a dating site but she blocks you, and in response you send her a gift and beg for another chance... but she's desperate...

Lord... self relflextion can be a beautiful thing OPer...

I really fail to see how you've interpreted my actions as revenge driven, stalkerish and clingy. I'll admit I have my own anxieties but for the duration of this short relationship she was the person pushing and pursuing everything so quickly. I made one single attempt to connect and try to discuss this two weeks ago and that's it. I haven't stalked her, called her, sent her texts or done anything to try to get her attention. I've even removed myself from some social media that we were both on.

We all interpret things different but I took wisemans comment to be referencing the whole thing you did with the online dating you kept your profile private and followed her actions ( could be seen as stalking, I don't know that I'd go that far but at most it's dishonest) revenge is what you did by making your profile active. That was revenge, she hurt you so you hurt her. That was done to get a reaction, not to move on or you would have already.

Hate to say it, but after 2 weeks of silence from the reception of your necklace, I don't think this is salvageable. It sounds like her main triggers were around cheating and she found you online (I'm sure she is overlooking her own hypocrisy of being online--but if she's on there to sleuth out potential cheaters then she probably has some warped logic as to why it's justified). She probably didn't buy your story and you've now gone down as the same old, same old in her mind.

She had plenty of red flags herself so I highly doubt that she wouldn't have prematurely cut and run or become very suspicious without just cause at some point in the future. Next time I would pass on this kind of woman if she still seems openly so wounded and clingy.

I think your gesture of the jewelry and letter would have been really nice had you been in a long-term relationship with her. A month in and it's too much, too soon with the jewelry. I am not completely clear from your story whether you had the chance to explain you made yourself active after seeing her profile before she blocked you? In which case I think the letter would have been okay to send for your own peace of mind if you never got to communicate your side. Either way, though, I don't think this woman is good relationship material.

We all interpret things different but I took wisemans comment to be referencing the whole thing you did with the online dating you kept your profile private and followed her actions ( could be seen as stalking, I don't know that I'd go that far but at most it's dishonest) revenge is what you did by making your profile active. That was revenge, she hurt you so you hurt her. That was done to get a reaction, not to move on or you would have already.

I guess I've given off the wrong impression entirely then. I barely followed her actions at all and like I said I removed myself from several social media sites after this went down to avoid seeing her.

I recreated my profile to see if there was any evidence that the alarm bells ringing in my head were warranted. Was it done out of insecurity? Absolutely. I saw her online and the first thought that popped into my head was I was right in assuming she was withdrawing. Even if I did not go check, the fact still remains that she was active after pushing for commitment. Regardless of the reasons, we're both at fault for engaging in our dating profiles after that.

I did a search the following morning after I woke up and that was it. I stopped searching for her. My profile was hidden for no more than 12 hours before I made it public. I didn't view her profile or message her because I didn't want to provoke anything. I just saw active and said to myself screw this, she's not who I thought she was and figured the best way to move on was to try to meet other people.

I'm curious, how long should I have waited to put myself back online before it would not have been viewed a revenge act? Why is it OK for her to be active and not me? If I had not checked and found out she was active on a dating website after pushing for commitment how would I be any better off now? I was honestly under the impression at that point in time that she was withdrawing and was no longer interested so I really didn't think she would care if she saw me back online.

It wasn't until after she sent me a message and then blocked me without allowing any communication that I began to question my own interpretations to the week's worth of events.

I chose to reflect on everything, talk things out and I realized I had overblown things. I wanted to take responsibility and at least try to apologize and see if we could work things out. What's so damning about someone realizing they've made a mistake and trying to atone for it?

I've done nothing since to seek her out or provoke her.

Hate to say it, but after 2 weeks of silence from the reception of your necklace, I don't think this is salvageable. It sounds like her main triggers were around cheating and she found you online (I'm sure she is overlooking her own hypocrisy of being online--but if she's on there to sleuth out potential cheaters then she probably has some warped logic as to why it's justified). She probably didn't buy your story and you've now gone down as the same old, same old in her mind.

 

She had plenty of red flags herself so I highly doubt that she wouldn't have prematurely cut and run or become very suspicious without just cause at some point in the future. Next time I would pass on this kind of woman if she still seems openly so wounded and clingy.

 

I think your gesture of the jewelry and letter would have been really nice had you been in a long-term relationship with her. A month in and it's too much, too soon with the jewelry. I am not completely clear from your story whether you had the chance to explain you made yourself active after seeing her profile before she blocked you? In which case I think the letter would have been okay to send for your own peace of mind if you never got to communicate your side. Either way, though, I don't think this woman is good relationship material.

Yes, I don't anticipate hearing anything from her and that's OK. I'm not angry that I haven't received a response nor do I regret trying.

It was definitely an over the top gesture, but that's basically how the relationship ran. Too much, too soon, too fast. I wanted to come off as taking this seriously, and assuming exactly what you wrote about her assuming I was off cheating, I felt a grander gesture was in order. I didn't really care about the time or money I put in to it because I figured if it payed off and got us talking and resolving things who knows where it might lead. What's a little bit of cash worth compared to the possibility of a long lasting, healthy relationship with someone? Even though there were issues on both our ends it still felt like a real connection had been made.

She did not give me an opportunity to explain fully. I was given one response to her "really" message and then I was blocked. I found this out when I tried to message her moments later suggesting we talk in person or on the phone, because so much can be taken the wrong way texting and emailing. My response was simple and to the point. I interpreted her behavior over the week as a sign she was withdrawing. I came online to see if she was active. When I saw her active I felt my worries we're justified. Blocked. Literally. She didn't respond with anything.

It also wasn't until the following day that I came to realize I had let a fear of rejection get the best of me and warp the weeks worth of events.

Believe it or not it wasn't even my idea to write a letter or buy her a gift of apology. This came from the people in my life I was discussing this with. I liked the idea so I ran with it.

Honestly OP, I think you were probably correct that she was withdrawing, went back online, and then behaved immaturely when she realized she was guilty of what she presumed of you.

This wasn't someone you were going to have a long, healthy and steady relationship with.