Unfounded Negative Thoughts

Hello eNA,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for nine months and I can honestly say it’sbeen perfect. WeÂ’ve met (and like) each otherÂ’s families, never argue and are supportive of each other. We spend quite a bit of time apart for work but there are never concerns expressed about what we’re doing or who we’re with.

Until her most recent trip.

She’s away on an adventurous mountaineering, rock climbing, nature, hiking trip and falling in love with it all. I’v been great for the duration of our relationship to keep the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts away but I can’t help it this trip. She has given no indication of infidelity but my mind is wandering. She’s had a couple hangovers on this trip (rare for her), there are guys in her posts and many late nights. I have no evidence to feel this way, as she’s been super sweet with her unprompted “I love you” and “miss you” messages but anyone can say that, right? I mean, there are many cheatees out there who “didn’t see it coming.”

My cynicism and little faith in relationships is rearing its ugly head at the worst time as we’re talking about moving in together.

To be clear, I haven’t expressed any of these concerns to her because she admires my confidence and this would be the opposite. Can someone talk me off the ledge so I can keep this awesome relationship awesome?

Cheers

First, I think you need to identify the origin of the negative and insecure thoughts. Have you been cheated on in the past? If so, remind yourself regularly that each new partner is their own person. You must extend trust when it is warranted, and as long as she has given you no concrete reason to worry, keep working on trusting her.

Second, when she returns to town and has settled in, I suggest discussing how you felt while she was gone. Express your fears and your reasons for having them in a non-accusatory manner. Thank her for the sweet and romantic messages she sent you, and let her know that you're happy the two of you have such a strong relationship that you can be fully honest about your feelings. You guys have been together long enough that she needs to know the real you and your experience of the relationship. It's your responsibility to work on your baggage, but you shouldn't have to hide your issues from her either. If she loves you and your relationship is healthy, she will be happy to help you overcome negative thoughts and support you the way you deserve.

You just have to stop having these negative thoughts. Just stop it! Use your will power to banish these thoughts. Don't let your jealousy to get the best of you. This will lead to you being emotionally abusive and trying to control and manipulate your girlfriend. Just tell yourself to stop having these thoughts. Trust her.

Choose whether you want to talk yourself into optimism about the future or whether you want to drill yourself into a deep hole to climb out of. Then behave accordingly.

It's a decision.

Thank you all.

I meditated last night and did an “irrational thought conquering” exercise and both worked well. She lands today and is super excited to see me and spend the night. I’m going to see how she comes back and if anything’s “off” then I may tell her how I felt while she was away, as SGH suggested.

I’m leaning towards the “leave it be and make positive decisions” approach like DanZee and catfeeder mentioned. I’d kick myself doubly if I lost her due to irrational thoughts.

People encounter people of the opposite sex every day. At work, at the grocery store, with hobbies/interests. If a person's a cheater, they'll find someone to do that with. If they are a decent human being, they will abide by boundaries. Don't assume she's doing a crime and make her a victim of your emotional baggage. Assume the best of your partner, just as you'd expect she assumes of you.

Believe me, whether it be your guardian angel looking out for you or pure karma, cheating always gets outed without you looking for it. Accidental sightings of texts, e-mails, social media posts, friends seeing them together, etc., will pop up and blast you in the face. If that's not happening, busy yourself with positive thoughts and activities so you don't sabotage a good thing. Good luck.

Thank you all.

 

I meditated last night and did an “irrational thought conquering” exercise and both worked well. She lands today and is super excited to see me and spend the night. I’m going to see how she comes back and if anything’s “off” then I may tell her how I felt while she was away, as SGH suggested.

 

I’m leaning towards the “leave it be and make positive decisions” approach like DanZee and catfeeder mentioned. I’d kick myself doubly if I lost her due to irrational thoughts.

Sometimes you really do have to work hard on reining in these kinds of thoughts and no, you should not share them with your partner and make them their problem to deal with. It's highly self defeating, will strain your relationship and ultimately, your SO is not your therapist.

Please resist the hyper sensitive, hyper vigilant stance of looking for something to be "off" because quite frankly, it will be there purely as a figment of your imagination. I can tell you from experience that dealing with a partner like that, always on edge, always looking for something does lead to stress and accusations and ultimately to the utter destruction of the relationship.

I really do think that you need to work on yourself and dig down to the origins of these kinds of thoughts and fears and address them for yourself.

Perhaps the greatest thing that you need to wrap your mind around and accept is that you never have control over another person and what they choose to do. If someone will cheat, they don't need to travel to do it. Opportunity is literally everywhere. This whole idea that if you are in town together that you can somehow stop a person from cheating is nothing more than self delusion. Rather than looking for whatever, look at the person's character. Loyalty is a trait. They either have it or they don't.

If you look for trouble I guarantee you will find it.

I doubt that "positive affirmation exercises" include searching for something to be "off".

Perhaps your thoughts are rather about whether you are compatible, not if there is cheating. That can create as much doubt about things as that she's away with a group, maybe there's hankypanky, whatever. Good you haven't said anything, but reflect on whether you are ok with her adventures. Why didn't you go? Do you like stuff like this?

She’s away on an adventurous mountaineering, rock climbing, nature, hiking trip and falling in love with it all. She’s had a couple hangovers on this trip (rare for her), there are guys in her posts and many late nights. I

As soon as I sent that I thought “someone will rightly jump on that line” about looking for something to be off. If you look hard enough you’ll find anything, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I haven’t felt this way about anyone for a decade so I’m a bit scared to give myself to her when I know infidelity is rampant. Heck, look around these forums! I know she’s not that type, but so are many other cheaters/cheatees. I think it’s time I revisit my therapist from 2017.

As for this trip, she’s def more adventurous than me but I am open to try anything once, which she admires. I wasn’t invited on this trip but I don’t mind because it didn’t jive with my work schedule.

Thank you all…

As soon as I sent that I thought “someone will rightly jump on that line” about looking for something to be off. If you look hard enough you’ll find anything, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I haven’t felt this way about anyone for a decade so I’m a bit scared to give myself to her when I know infidelity is rampant. Heck, look around these forums! I know she’s not that type, but so are many other cheaters/cheatees. I think it’s time I revisit my therapist from 2017.

 

As for this trip, she’s def more adventurous than me but I am open to try anything once, which she admires. I wasn’t invited on this trip but I don’t mind because it didn’t jive with my work schedule.

 

Thank you all…

Glad to hear you're going to see a therapist. I stand by what I said about being honest with your partner, but I also understand why others are against it. My personal opinion is that repressing emotions and thoughts tends to make them more intense, and they often will come out at inopportune times. Find a way to honor your feelings without placing responsibility on your partner. If you bottle them up, they are more likely to wreck havoc on your relationship than if you simply admit that sometimes you feel insecure.

Glad to hear you're going to see a therapist. I stand by what I said about being honest with your partner, but I also understand why others are against it. My personal opinion is that repressing emotions and thoughts tends to make them more intense, and they often will come out at inopportune times. Find a way to honor your feelings without placing responsibility on your partner. If you bottle them up, they are more likely to wreck havoc on your relationship than if you simply admit that sometimes you feel insecure.

There's honesty, and then there's misuse of honesty that can serve to put a wet blanket on an otherwise happy relationship. I'd revisit the therapist from 2017. If further communication on the matter seems necessary then go there from a place of curiosity rather than confession or suspicion.

I'd consider myself not as trying to 'hide' my concerns, but rather as 'managing' them as learn more about how well suited I am for this relationship.

Head high.

Yeah, she’s back and juuuuust fine. Nothing to see here. Apologies for making an issue out of nothing.