Why is my ex doing this?

I had a dramatic but short-term relationship. We were long distance for four months. I drifted apart when I noticed behaviour I did not like; demeaning, controlling and little empathy. She was also very entitled. When on the phone she asked very little about my life. She told me she enjoyed fighting and tried to pick fights. But in the early stages of our relationship she was the most bewitching and sweetest girl.

I promised her many things in those early days, that I'd follow her to live in Dublin, where she was moving. When I noticed the red flags I became much more discerning. I backed off and she became extremely hostile. The hostility turned to manipulation. She begged me to not give up, to fight harder. She sent me letters, pleading. She called me her soul mate.

I went to see her in Dublin after she had moved. We talked but did not reconcile (though she asked me to spend the night).

When I returned we talked like old times... and then there was two weeks of near-silence, which I found strange. I soon discovered she had met someone else in that time, and she cut things off completely.

She said I should have fought harder for her. She said we would never speak again. One month previously she was begging me not to give up.

That was six months ago, and in that time I've went strict no contact. I blocked her on all social media. She's still with this new boyfriend, and the only time I relapsed and looked, she was posting very romantic pictures of the two of them, something she never did with us.

A few months back she used an Instagram account of hers I had forgot about to scan my Instagram feed. She liked a photo of me with another girl.

I blocked that account.

Just a few days ago I noticed someone new had been viewing my Instagram Stories. The profile had my ex's photo, but it was a new account with minimal followers. She was also calling herself a fake name. It was her, again trying to get onto my radar.

My question is: why is she doing this when she could stalk me anonymously? Is it bait? Manipulation? Thing is, despite all of the problems we had and the hurt I felt in this relationship I cannot stop thinking about her - and I've dated since.

Why does she not go away? Why does she check up on my social media, knowing I'll see, and knowing I've tried my best to block her?

She sounds like she is at the very least a borderline narrcisisst, if not someone with full NPD. People with NPD are the sweetest individuals when you first meet them, so you can be set up as a supply. Eventually, they devalue and discard you to boost themselves up. Right now she is doing what is called "hovering", likely because she is done love bombing and devaluing her other supply. Continue to block her on social media if she creates new accounts, and don't get sucked into any attention she provides you. Relationships with narcissists are never healthy and never about love. NC is the only option.

Sounds like she has severe mental difficulties. RUN

This is very true.

When I was in the relationship with this girl I googled some of her behaviour and NPD kept coming up time and again. She had all the classic hallmarks.

I was actually thinking that these recent attempts of hers to get onto my radar is "hoovering", potentially bait to either get me thinking about her. If I responded would that be validation to her?

This is very true.

 

When I was in the relationship with this girl I googled some of her behaviour and NPD kept coming up time and again. She had all the classic hallmarks.

 

I was actually thinking that these recent attempts of hers to get onto my radar is "hoovering", potentially bait to either get me thinking about her. If I responded would that be validation to her?

Yes, and it would suck you back into the toxic pattern. No matter what you feel, resist it and stay NC. Whether she is diagnosable or not, she is someone who means you no good and only cares for herself. Don't let her use you.

Who care what she gets?

If you responded, what good would it do for YOU?

Thank you. This has calmed me down immensely. Your advice is gold. I've spent the whole weekend trying to resist contacting her. Thank you again.

Good for you. Don't fall for it.

Thank you. This has calmed me down immensely. Your advice is gold. I've spent the whole weekend trying to resist contacting her. Thank you again.

Yeah seems your post was filled with anger.

The irony is by painting her the way you did, with absolutely zero redeeming qualities, someone you just had to diagnose says more about you than her.

What is there to resist? A healthy person wouldn't be asking for advise they'd be telling their friends about some psycho woman who created an account just to fish for attention. You seem quite clear that's what she's doing so why ask? Focus on you. Something's off for sure. You've been a willing participant on this roller coaster.

Yeah seems your post was filled with anger.

 

The irony is by painting her the way you did, with absolutely zero redeeming qualities, someone you just had to diagnose says more about you than her.

 

What is there to resist? A healthy person wouldn't be asking for advise they'd be telling their friends about some psycho woman who created an account just to fish for attention. You seem quite clear that's what she's doing so why ask? Focus on you. Something's off for sure. You've been a willing participant on this roller coaster.

I said in my original post: But in the early stages of our relationship she was the most bewitching and sweetest girl.

But anyway, going over all her redeeming qualities is a moot point. Everyone has redeeming qualities. I wanted to express the dysfunction I witnessed.

I did not diagnose her. Someone else in this thread alluded to that, which I agreed with since I had suspected this disorder while dating her.

I was not a willing participant. I have been no contact for 6 months, while she has tried to re-insert herself by hoovering at least twice. But I do appreciate your honesty and candor.

Dysfunctional people engage in dysfunctional behaviour, which is what you've witnessed since your break-up. Someone of healthy and sound mind won't really be able to fully understand it, because you're not wired like she is. As such, you will probably never truly know why she acts like this.

She sounds very immature, and your relationship was a whirlwind. At only 4 months, you were considering uprooting your life and following her to another city? Why the urge to speed through the dating process so quickly? At 4 months, you're still getting to know each other, especially if it's long-distance and time spent together in person was limited. It was too soon to be making future plans like that, as you now see.

In time, you will get past this. Next time someone seems to move at warp speed, take a deep breath and slow down. Those are the relationships that usually don't make it past the honeymoon phase.

demeaning, controlling and little empathy. She was also very entitled.

This tells you all you need to know.

Sounds like a psycho fatal attraction thing. But..."I can't stop thinking about her" is your Achilles heel. Reflect on that vulnerability sucking you in.

She begged me to not give up, to fight harder. She sent me letters, pleading. She called me her soul mate. Why does she check up on my social media, knowing I'll see, and knowing I've tried my best to block her?

Do you see a future with her? Do you want to be controlled, manipulated and have every move you make questioned? Do you want to be mentally dominated, be a door mat, or want to be in arguments all the time?

If you do, then please by all means get a hold of her right away because if you contact her this is what you are going to get.

If you do not want this, then why on Earth would you want to contact her? I learned something that I think is 100% true. "Its easier to stay out than it is to get out". Meaning you are out right now. If you go back into her life, then good luck getting out from her finger. Then again you might like the drama, who knows.

Contacting her in no way shape or form improves the quality of your life. Remember that.