Intimacy Issue

My girlfriend and I have been dating over a year. During that time it's been the happiest I've ever been and the best relationship I've ever been in. However, due to certain restrictions in the past I grew up essentially always masturbating pretty frequently. I'm not sure if it's just that I have a high sex drive or if it's that I just always found some sort of rebellious comfort in it and haven't been able to get away from it (grew up in a very christian household which I did not believe in).

Normally our sex life is fine however there are times where I'm unable to orgasm fully with her. She then feels it's because I masturbate or that I'm not sexually into her. This is not made easier by the fact that during the past year or so she's gained weight (30 lbs+) that quite honestly I feel like is making me not as physically attracted to her even though I am very much emotionally attached to her.

In addition, I've had my own health scares recently, which required hospitalization at various times over the past few months, I left a career to move with her to restart her career in a promotion in a new area, and there's just been a lot of changes. Changes that have been great for me because they've improved our financial situation considerably but in some ways I feel like things are moving too fast and I can never keep up.

I guess what I'm asking is, I feel terrible sometimes because I know I hurt her every time I masturbate even though earlier on in the relationship she said "it's okay, I think it's sexy". I don't know how to get rid of the addiction because quite frankly I've always had it since I was about 13 (I'm in my 30's now). I've reduced it down from masturbating once every day to generally 2-3 times per week but I still feel it's not good enough and I'm just disappointing her because I can't quite get past it.

How should I handle this situation?

Um, 2-3 times a week congratulations, I typically masturbate 2-3 times a day and I feel good every-time I do it. Do I call it an addiction am I escaping from reality and pain and loneliness when I do this, maybe. Honestly, I don't really care and I think most people who do this don't care either.

The truth is we are animals, with urges. Saying masturbation is an addiction is like saying having sex or eating or sleeping is an addiction. To me its all normal and all good. It seems you already know what the problem is, but instead rather then facing it you have decided to place the guilt solely on your shoulders thinking that you are to blame and punishing yourself for it.

This is a very Christian thing to do, I know because I was also raised Catholic. Your girlfriend isn't turning you on, it could be the weight, it could be stress it could be a lot of other things. Personally, I have dated many types of women with different figures, some big some small, etc. etc.

In the end its all good to me, some people are more picky. My guess is that its probably more about being in a long term relationship with the same women for a period of time. The sex and stuff like this stuff, it gets boring after a while you could do things to spice it up, but this is actually just normal. If you don't believe me look up the Coolidge effect.

If you want advice on how to handle the situation, my best advice is that time is your friend. Once you start to feel better about yourself and the stress in your life has decrease, you will probably start to have regular orgasms with her again. If you watch porn and stuff, yeah it could ruin your sex life a little because your mind becomes addicted to this sort of visual stimulation, which makes the act of normal sex feel somewhat regular.

Also, if you want to have orgasms try to be a little more selfish, I say this because I also have this issue sometimes when I can't like let go and let my body take over. It comes down to being too much in my head and sometimes focusing too much on giving my partner pleasure rather then just focusing on myself and doing what feels good to get me to where I need to be.

This is probably down to a combination of factors: a stressful health care, frequent self-pleasuring, and your declining physical attraction to her.

What has led to her weight gain? Has she had some health issues, or just a lack of exercise and a poor diet? People get very sensitive about women and weight, but it's not entirely unreasonable that weight gain from the latter could contribute to a lack of physical desire. Has she mentioned this herself? I would imagine that's also what she's worried about, that you are not physically as attracted as you once were. If it's down to a sedentary lifestyle and poor food choices, perhaps you could start suggesting some physical activities to do together. Lead the way to a healthier lifestyle, for both of you. If you've had a health scare yourself, it would make sense that now you want to focus on being as healthy as possible and would love to have her as your teammate.

Regarding your own self-love habits, and forgive me for being intrusive, but are you also using porn to help you get off? That can be problematic if what you're regularly visualizing can't match reality. It would seem to me that your frequency now of a few times a week is probably in the normal range for most men (but men, correct me if I'm wrong) How often are you unable to reach orgasm with her?

Unfortunately this sounds like a relationship of convenience in the making. Does she make more than you? Do you feel like she's supporting you? Or that you gave up your career to enhance hers and feel emasculated by this? Only therapy can help you overcome lingering hangups from your upbringing.

As far as her attractiveness to you, not much you can do about that. Do not needle her about it or make suggestions etc. You're not the diet, exercise, lifestyle or weight police. The issues and problems you face are mostly due to your upbringing, your career, your tastes etc, so why change or police her?

Focus on your psychological hangups, health problems, professional issues and satisfaction, earning, resentment of her, etc. Also follow up on your own health both psychically and emotionally. That's the only thing you can change or have control over.

I left a career to move with her to restart her career in a promotion in a new area, and there's just been a lot of changes. Changes that have been great for me because they've improved our financial situation considerably but in some ways I feel like things are moving too fast and I can never keep up.

So I'm trying to figure this out. Do you masturbate in front of her? How would she know you're masturbating? You don't keep that private?

And how many times a week do you have sex with your girlfriend? Masturbating frequently can interfere with your ability to get excited.

The feeling of some specialists is that porn can lead to an objectifying of women, which is what MissCanuck is suggesting. Your girlfriend has put on 30 lbs and you may no longer be attracted to her because she doesn't look like the girls in the video. Is this the cause of your failure to perform?

Also your medical issues may be interfering with your physical ability. Were you in the hospital for psychiatric reasons? I mean, this changes the advice everyone here would give you. Are you suffering from depression and anxiety? Are you bipolar? Are you receiving therapy and medication? All these things will affect your relationship and your ability to have sex.