Just having a hard time

Hi everyone.

I'm a woman in her late 40s, and I chose this name because part of me thinks I should know better by now. I'm having a really hard time getting over someone and my feelings are just all over the place.

I met a man online; he's 14 years older than I am. He's in the US and I'm not, which is of course a problem, but from the beginning I told him that I'm trying to move back to the US (I'm a citizen), and that I've been applying for jobs. We started writing to each other, then Skyping, and then talking on the phone all day. We are both writers and teachers, so we had a lot in common. We started exchanging our writing, commenting it, and it was all really exciting. He came on really strong... he was the one who started writing to me and was always enthusiastic, full of praise, very caring. We had long conversations about books and movies that we had in common, and many, many other things. He sent me presents (like flowers for my birthday, or one of his books, or a movie for my children). He introduced me to his best friend via Skype, we made plans for projects together, etc. etc.

Since things were so intense, I proposed we meet, which we did. I went to visit, and he had prepared everything so that it would be unforgettable: gifts, concert, dinner... like out of a movie. At some point, he even said that we should consider getting married. Things were far from perfect in the bedroom, though, and he had performance problems. I asked and he said it took him a while, no problem, so I thought we could just give it time. I was crazy about him... I could wait.

We had the summer all planned: I had a conference coming up in June, and he had bought plane tickets so that he could meet me there. We were discussing traveling to his friend's house later (we were looking at hotels, etc.), and he insisted on coming to my country to meet my children and parents, right about this time of year. At first I thought it was too fast, but then I thought I should trust someone for a change.

And then bam! In late May he started having some rather serious health problems (eye problems, but also skin problems... he has had a history of skin cancer). I tried to be there, and was always asking, calling etc., but I began to get a different response: more distant, sometimes saying he couldn't speak, etc. I suspect he was drinking. In any case, it took only one week, and he changed completely. He sent me a text message (!) saying he had to have surgery because the issue was serious, he was really depressed and couldn't sustain a relationship right now. I wrote asking if we could talk, but he refused, but said we could text a bit. All I got out that was that he thought I was great, but things wouldn't work out because of the distance. There was no arguing: it didn't matter that we were scheduled to see each other in a couple of weeks, nor that I am applying to a number of jobs in the US, and I'm pretty sure I can get one, or that we can actually both travel. The last I heard from him was about 2 months ago, when he wrote briefly to say he was depressed, about to have surgery, and he hoped I was well.

So I'm having a tough time. One day I wonder if he has cancer, and should I call. The next I wonder if he's depressive and alcoholic. I think the hardest part is, I can't quite seem to make sense of this experience. I cry all the time, and I just feel really awful.

You haven't talked to him in two months. He's not in a great point in his life, nor is he even living in the same country. You need to let this go.

Also he's basically a stranger, you are putting wayyy too much into this. It's unhealthy.

Hey Shouldknow,

It really sounds to me as though you did have a great connection with this guy. So much to talk about and sharing writing and stories etc. Even though you met online and conducted most of your relationship at a distance, it does seem to me that you had quite a lot of things in common.

However, my thoughts with regard to the current road block in conversation is that it is completely out of your control. You can't make him communicate with you if he is scared, or irritable or feeling like crap.

If he has clammed up and won't even tell you what the issue is health wise, then maybe that is a sign that he can be difficult (or emotionally unavailable) under pressure.

I know that it is hard, because you are feeling crappy, and KNOWING what was going on would help you to either get over this, and move on, or to help him, but he can't even give you that, so maybe it is time to leave well enough alone.

There is nothing you can do that would MAKE him communicate with you. It is completely out of your control. I hope you can find some peace for yourself.

Cheers,

Chai

Thank you, Chai.

Yes, I don't feel like he was a stranger... except now he is, obviously. I also think we shared a very close connection. Part of me knew I was just getting to know him, while he always said he was 100% convinced it was meant to be. I think the suddenness of his decision is what has made it so hard, because I was not prepared. I do realize there's a lot about him I didn't know, and I think you're right that his reaction to pressure is one of those things. You're right, that helps.

I can't do anything, I know, and I don't try. When we broke up, I just said I valued what we were starting and thought it was special, and that I was concerned about his health. But I haven't done anything other than that because, in my experience, in the long run it's always better to act with dignity and even exes will respect you for that. So I'd rather be remembered as a kind, level-headed person he started a relationship with but it didn't work out, than the crazy woman he met online and who stalked him, o something. It's just hard for me emotionally.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't believe in LDRs because it's not the normal pace of dating. When you visited, you were spending too much time together too soon. Even if you were planning to move back to the U.S. and to his city for your own reasons besides him, in his mind, he might be thinking, "She's moving from another country to be with me. That's really intimidating because I don't even know if it'll work out between us." Even though he was speaking marriage, reality caught up with him. And of course LDRs are very expensive. You might spend thousands of dollars on travel on something that fizzles very quickly.

If you're still planning to move to the U.S., my suggestion is to not date until you and your children spend a good year adjusting to your new life. And then, I'd suggest dating locally so you can take things at a normal pace. Also, the larger the age gap of couples, the higher the risk, so you might consider dating someone closer in age. Good luck in the next chapter of your life.

Well I think it's OK to start a relationship off online and in some cases it can work out but a lot of people when they start an online relationship actually create a fantasy of that person in their mind. I think it's easy to do that because for one thing when you don't actually spend any time in person, you don't really see any negative sides of them because you can't see them in all kinds of situations in everyday life. Also I know you talked to his best friend on Skype once but without also knowing any of the person's friends, family or colleagues it's difficult to have a full picture too.

Keep in mind that this man had the opprtunity to only present certain aspects of himself to you over the Internet and phone - maybe only the positive aspects or false things he wanted to seem true. I mean he very well may have had depression, drinking issues, whatever other issues the whole time. He may have chosen to hide that from you because he was worried you'd be put off by it. He may or may not have cancer. The problem is that you just don't know enough people in his life or enough ABOUT his life to see the full picture.

I'm sorry he broke your heart but even if he does suffer from cancer and depression, you can only be there for him if he lets you. And he's just pushing you away so there really isn't anything you can do. You have already tried to be supportive and if he doesn't want your support then your only choice is just to leave him alone.

I would say if in a couple of months he doesn't contact you then just do your best to move on and meet other men. Even if he contacts you in six months I would suggest not going back to him. This was not an in person relationship and you can't just sit around for an indefinite number of months or years waiting for him. I think he was lucky to have you trying to support him and to come all the way to visit him and he doesn't seem to appreciate it.

I'm also sorry you're hurting and agree with Andina and Tinydance. The answer to believing you are generally too cautious is not to go to the other extreme, even potentially involving your children with someone you barely got to know in person. For romantic relationships the typing and talking before is almost irrelevant and not because of looks. Certainly you can have a close platonic online friendship. I would let this one go and take a more measured approach to when you choose to take risks with people you are just getting to know. I wish you the best. (I met over 100 men in person through online sites but never dated "online" -I got to know the person in person ASAP after that first contact.

Hi, everone.

Thanks for all the input. A lot of what you say makes me reflect.

@Batya33 No, I assure you I wasn't going to do something rash. My children spend half their vacation time with their father, and this is when he was coming. We were planning a day out, or something like that. I have never brought someone over to stay until I'm sure... which is to say, I've never done it, in the 7 or so years I've been divorced.

@Andrina, yes, maybe he felt I was doing it for him, but I don't think so. I think he wanted someone there now, and this was too frustrating. But really, I don't know.

@Tinydance, I know he has had a melanoma before: I saw the pictures of what his nose used to look like before the melanoma, and we talked about it. Also, very early on, he told me he had to see the doctor frequently and have excisions. He just had them when I met him in person, and I saw the scars. What I don't know is whether this was a melanoma again, or one of those "pre-cancer" situations. That I'll never know.

And for Batya33, Andrina, and Tinydance yes, it's a big lesson for me regarding online dating. Maybe it's true about the pace... I hadn't thought of that, but it makes sense. The rest of what you all say is certainly true also: a person can choose what to show, and maybe he was depressed and drinking all along, and I just didn't know it. I do think the health scare pushed him over the edge. But yes, I think I've learned my lesson about communicating with someone who is so far away: even when you see the person, it's for a very short time, so you don't get a full picture of who they are. I've taken down the profile from the dating web site, because I couldn't bear to go through something like this again. I am indeed going ahead with my plan to move back to the US, and I'm applying for jobs. As I said, I teach, so the hiring process usually takes a whole year. I'm just trying not to let this experience bring me down, and concentrate on my goals for me and my kids.

Thank you all, for helping me see things from a different perspective.