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Why do I always have to say my opinion!?


Nebraskagirl14

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Hi, all!

 

I have been realizing recently that I have been annoyed by a lot of things and I voice it clearly. Last night, the kids next door were playing with their remote control car in front of my window and it drives my dogs crazy. And there is a lady that pushes her grandson by my house and stops him right in front so he can watch the dogs bark.. that kind of thing. And my cousin’s daughter constantly posts pictures on FB with her baby using the Snapchat filter and so all of the pics of her baby, he is going to have cartoon puppy dog ears and nose!

 

Also, I am dating someone that makes decisions without thinking of the implications. When I take on something new, she is always supportive but today for example, she told me that she put in to teach a high school class that isn’t in her area of expertise (because she wants the extra money) and school starts in two weeks. Instead of just being like, “Good for you! That is great that you are expanding your knowledge and expertise!” I had to tell her that she hasn’t ever taught that class or even studied it before and that there is a lot that goes into it and she is actually going to have to teach the kids throughout the period whereas usually she teaches art and the students kind of run on autopilot. I’m a teacher too but I keep wondering why that is my first reaction. I mean, it’s really none of my business but it drives me insane that she doesn’t ever think of the implications before deciding something. How can I be better at this? Ugh! I mean, I also don’t want to be like her which is having few opinions about what anyone does and letting people treat her badly, but I have to stop asserting my opinion and being annoyed at people!

 

I feel like I’m a geriatric curmudgeon always saying, “Damn kids!” And I’m just pushing 40!

 

Thanks for any advice!

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Well, you're allowed to be critical, but are you starting arguments with your critical opinions? That could be considered emotional abuse. Otherwise, just take a deep breath and count to 10 before you comment.

 

Thanks, Dan. Well, not usually but at times I do. I always quickly calm down and can be rational and kind or apologetic but I wish I didn’t have to act out in the first place. I feel like I ought to keep my critical opinions to myself if they aren’t any of my business. The thing about people making my dogs bark, that will continue to annoy me, however :-) Counting to 10 is a great first plan of diffusing the situation. Thank you!

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Thanks, Dan. Well, not usually but at times I do. I always quickly calm down and can be rational and kind or apologetic but I wish I didn’t have to act out in the first place. I feel like I ought to keep my critical opinions to myself if they aren’t any of my business. The thing about people making my dogs bark, that will continue to annoy me, however :-) Counting to 10 is a great first plan of diffusing the situation. Thank you!

 

I've learned to bite my tongue a lot in person. I just say, "oh, that's nice" whatever the topic.

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Instead of just being like, “Good for you! That is great that you are expanding your knowledge and expertise!” I had to tell her that she hasn’t ever taught that class or even studied it before and that there is a lot that goes into it and she is actually going to have to teach the kids throughout the period whereas usually she teaches art and the students kind of run on autopilot. I’m a teacher too but I keep wondering why that is my first reaction.

 

I wonder, too. She didn't ask your opinion and you are her peer, not her parent. What makes you think that you are a better decision-maker than she is when it comes to her life?

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I wonder, too. She didn't ask your opinion and you are her peer, not her parent. What makes you think that you are a better decision-maker than she is when it comes to her life?

 

I wouldn’t say when it comes to her life but with this decision in particular, I’m also a teacher and I think agreeing to teach some thing where you have no subject matter expertise just because you want a little extra money I feel is not in the best interest of your students.

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I wouldn’t say when it comes to her life but with this decision in particular, I’m also a teacher and I think agreeing to teach some thing where you have no subject matter expertise just because you want a little extra money I feel is not in the best interest of your students.

 

OK, but (and I can't really think of a kind way to say this) that is really not your concern.

 

Yes, you can say you're concerned about the students, but if she can't handle the job someone will notice and will train or replace her. It's not your job to decide this for her or "advise" her if she didn't ask for your input.

 

I have a friend who used to ALWAYS give me unsolicited advice. Then, after I made my own decisions, she would tell me "But I TOLD you to do this! Why didn't you do what I told you to do???" And it took everything I had not to tell her "Because I didn't ask for your advice, Buttinski!"

 

I presume this woman is an adult. She can make her own decisions.

 

You definitely don't want people to think of you as a Buttinski. If they feel you're always trying to tell them what to do they will start to avoid you.

 

And I'm sure your intentions are good, but if they really are it's worth considering just staying quiet and letting people make their own mistakes or have their own successes.

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OK, but (and I can't really think of a kind way to say this) that is really not your concern.

 

Yes, you can say you're concerned about the students, but if she can't handle the job someone will notice and will train or replace her. It's not your job to decide this for her or "advise" her if she didn't ask for your input.

 

I have a friend who used to ALWAYS give me unsolicited advice. Then, after I made my own decisions, she would tell me "But I TOLD you to do this! Why didn't you do what I told you to do???" And it took everything I had not to tell her "Because I didn't ask for your advice, Buttinski!"

 

I presume this woman is an adult. She can make her own decisions.

 

You definitely don't want people to think of you as a Buttinski. If they feel you're always trying to tell them what to do they will start to avoid you.

 

And I'm sure your intentions are good, but if they really are it's worth considering just staying quiet and letting people make their own mistakes or have their own successes.

 

Bolt, you are right and I know you are right. I always feel better when I don’t come across as a Buttinsky as well. Thank you!

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Honest question, do you respect the woman you are dating?

Do you tend to do it with whoever you date or is it in particular more pronounced with her?

 

It’s all grand, I feel like I am kind of a head strong, opinionated person because my mother is VERY judgmental but I am trying to get out of those habits. I have respected many women that I have dated but this one, I respect her sometimes and in general, I think she has spent a lot of time being a doormat and then she feels like she has been victimized and I have a hard time with people that are always feeling like they are the victim because they can’t speak up for themselves.

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I feel like I’m a geriatric curmudgeon always saying, “Damn kids!” And I’m just pushing 40!

 

This made me chuckle, brought up memories of times me and my ex would get in these moods, annoyed by someone doing something that in the big picture really wasn't a big deal. And one of us would dramatically shake our fist and say something classic like "Yeah, KIDS these days!" and the other would go "Yeah, get a haircut! Get a job!" "Yeah, get off my lawn!"... things like that. "Yeah, world peace! So there!" It would break the mood, for sure. Give us some perspective. Or something.

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This made me chuckle, brought up memories of times me and my ex would get in these moods, annoyed by someone doing something that in the big picture really wasn't a big deal. And one of us would dramatically shake our fist and say something classic like "Yeah, KIDS these days!" and the other would go "Yeah, get a haircut! Get a job!" "Yeah, get off my lawn!"... things like that. "Yeah, world peace! So there!" It would break the mood, for sure. Give us some perspective. Or something.

 

Ha! Thank you, Journeynow! I’m glad I could give you a chuckle! It all really is so insignificant in the long run! :-)

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To echo another poster, I have (had?) a "buttinsky" type friend as well. If I just wanted to tell her what I was up to or voice a concern about something (anything at all) that was happening in my life...she would aggressively and condescendingly tell me all I should be doing (most of which I had usually already done or considered) to solve the "problem." (I really was just talking about recent happenings or worries or daily challenges). It got to the point where I stopped offering her anything Of substance about what was happening in my world. Then it got to be all about her. But ultimately, I just no longer enjoyed her company and can't say we are actually friends anymore. We are acquaintances now, since I no longer feel comfortable sharing any of the personal details of my life; lest she tell me how to go and fix it all. Don't be like that. :-) Be kind.

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To echo another poster, I have (had?) a "buttinsky" type friend as well. If I just wanted to tell her what I was up to or voice a concern about something (anything at all) that was happening in my life...she would aggressively and condescendingly tell me all I should be doing (most of which I had usually already done or considered) to solve the "problem." (I really was just talking about recent happenings or worries or daily challenges). It got to the point where I stopped offering her anything Of substance about what was happening in my world. Then it got to be all about her. But ultimately, I just no longer enjoyed her company and can't say we are actually friends anymore. We are acquaintances now, since I no longer feel comfortable sharing any of the personal details of my life; lest she tell me how to go and fix it all. Don't be like that. :-) Be kind.

 

Thank you, Fwdthinker. Excellent advice!! I am going to try to not be any version of that person! :-)

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This made me chuckle, brought up memories of times me and my ex would get in these moods, annoyed by someone doing something that in the big picture really wasn't a big deal. And one of us would dramatically shake our fist and say something classic like "Yeah, KIDS these days!" and the other would go "Yeah, get a haircut! Get a job!" "Yeah, get off my lawn!"... things like that. "Yeah, world peace! So there!" It would break the mood, for sure. Give us some perspective. Or something.

 

Lol my guy and I do this too. Same joke ha!

Humour does save the day a lot when one of us is getting ranty or going off a bit too much.

 

I can be headstrong and opinionated too.

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Lol my guy and I do this too. Same joke ha!

Humour does save the day a lot when one of us is getting ranty or going off a bit too much.

 

I can be headstrong and opinionated too.

 

Same and it's my job as I see it to quell it and not be a buttinsky. And to know when those more minor annoyances get to me, to go inward and figure out the cause (not enough sleep/stressed about something else, etc.). Like the think before you speak input that Melancholy gave. As far as the dogs barking -here's my perspective on that- we're often disrupted in our living situation by barking dogs. A few times we've had to notify the building which at least once had to send the police because the dog was left alone too long. Anyway, from my perspective if someone walking by makes your dogs bark that loudly how about considering that you're fortunate if the neighbors tolerate your dogs. Just giving an example where turning to the other perspective may help keep you balanced and less tempted to opine/confront.

 

I also think lines can get blurred. I have a dear friend -she's like family -and since her child is in college and mine is 9 I find myself asking her for parenting advice of all kinds and sometimes time sensitive like when he is sick. So sometimes she gives me unsolicited advice but I can't "blame" her - because I've asked her so many times she probably assumes I want it then too, so it's ok. But when it comes to her marriage which is challenging I tread lightly as far as giving her input and I do think before I speak or type - I start out with empathy and "listening" and either will ask her if she wants input or give her the tiniest bit on something concrete, see how that goes over then ask if she wants more or if it's ok. Not an exact science is my point. But sure while I'm giving the tiniest bit inside I'm hearing loudly much much more I'd like to "opine" on. But I don't want to be that person. And I don't think you do either.

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I wouldn’t say when it comes to her life but with this decision in particular, I’m also a teacher and I think agreeing to teach some thing where you have no subject matter expertise just because you want a little extra money I feel is not in the best interest of your students.

 

Now, that's an ideal. But there are ideals and there is reality. And frankly, the way that you state your ideal makes your girlfriend look like a money-hungry opportunist who doesn't care about the kids that she is teaching. Is that the reality of the situation?

 

In any endeavor, you have to start somewhere. She wasn't born a teacher and neither were you. Not everybody hits it out of the park on their first day on the job--or first year on the job. New teachers enter the work force every year. Some are better than others. Some students have to deal with mediocre or even bad teachers. Should the practice of introducing new teachers into the school system be abolished? No, because everybody realizes that when someone is dedicated and puts in the effort, they can and will improve.

 

I guess if your girlfriend is a jerk, she won't improve and will just hold out her hand for a paycheck. But if she is that way, and you don't like it, why stay with her? Do you just want a reason to complain?

 

If your girlfriend is dedicated to teaching, and she's taking a chance and trying something new, what do you gain by putting her down?

 

It’s all grand, I feel like I am kind of a head strong, opinionated person because my mother is VERY judgmental but I am trying to get out of those habits. I have respected many women that I have dated but this one, I respect her sometimes and in general, I think she has spent a lot of time being a doormat and then she feels like she has been victimized and I have a hard time with people that are always feeling like they are the victim because they can’t speak up for themselves.

 

I am sorry to see that this was your answer to that question.

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I'd start by giving yourself credit for recognizing how you sound. Objectivity is a skill that observes your habits and can catch them in order to change them. The other good news is the difference between "can't" and "won't". When you switch those words, you're more accurate and can recognize a choice.

 

A coach at work said that it takes 21 days to change a habit and replace it with a better one. He said to keep a running list of habits you want to change, because attacking more than one at a time gloms them together into a giant abstraction that locks each habit into place.

 

So the first habit I tackled was the critical voice I run in my head. My default response to everything sounded like my judgmental Mom, and I had taken up her habit of negative reporting to some imagined judge and jury in my brain. I was constantly playing the role of attorney, so I switched that voice to one of a kind and inspiring coach.

 

This changed every interaction in my life going forward, because it changed my perceptions and my approach to challenges. Once I began encouraging myself to thrive instead of sabotaging my own joy and progress, I naturally extended this same kindness to others.

 

As a teacher you were likely taught how to open the minds of your students with positive and respectful encouragement and questions that help THEM to reach their own answers. (If I say it, then I know it, but if YOU say it, then YOU know it...)

 

So consider going into your best 'teacher mode' with everyone around you, and observe yourself as you inspire others to learn their own answers. The best teachers don't sound professorial, they sound curious. Well, isn't that also true of every leader, reporter, doctor, therapist, friend, relative--or any other role you can think of?

 

The thing about people making my dogs bark, that will continue to annoy me, however :-)

 

Since we can't control the outside world, we can at least hire a trainer for our dogs (and their owner) to learn how to control their barking. Local shelters may offer low cost options, as they are invested in helping pet owners keep their pets.

 

I think agreeing to teach some thing where you have no subject matter expertise just because you want a little extra money I feel is not in the best interest of your students.

 

Instead of making statements, try questions. Ask GF, "Why do you think they would hire an instructor with no knowledge of the subject matter?" Listen to answers fully before asking followup questions. "Did you commit to some training for this?" Or, "Do you believe that students investing their time and money can gain good value from an instructor who doesn't possess expertise in this area?"

 

Make room for the idea that in ~some~ cases that answer may be yes. Sometimes a good instructor can facilitate the learning of all involved, including oneself.

 

I have respected many women that I have dated but this one, I respect her sometimes and in general, I think she has spent a lot of time being a doormat and then she feels like she has been victimized and I have a hard time with people that are always feeling like they are the victim because they can’t speak up for themselves.

 

Do you believe that continuing to see this woman may sabotage your efforts to change your critical habits? Speaking only for myself, the more passive a friend or lover I have chosen, the less happy I became. Not sure which came first--maybe I settled for passivity because I was already unhappy with myself--but that choice surely didn't help, it made me a shrew.

 

Respect IS foundational for love to thrive. Disrespect is a lousy foundation for equality. Taking on an unequal role of parent with a lover is not only unsexy, it feels dismal--and it can make you cranky and joyless.

 

Two more things that have helped me 'edge off' my critical brain: 1) meditation, and 2) I ditched all caffeine. That was like an instant tranquilizer for me, and I began to feel like myself again.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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As Dr Joy Browne used to say “be curious not furious”. So when you ask a question and you feel like you know itvall and the other person doesn’t change your tone to respectful curiosity. It really helps!

 

Cheers to a fellow fan of Dr. Joy. Her name said it all.

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