I need help

I really need another person’s perspective on this situation.

There’s this guy, let’s call him James.

James and I have been seeing each other for about 4 months. It hasn’t been very long, but we connected almost instantly when we met and have spoken everyday since.

I got to know a lot about him, his love for certain things including his family (How religion is a huge part of his life and that his dad is a pastor, etc.)

If he had a problem, he could vent to me and vice versa.

We have great conversation and lots in common (For example: We’re both graphic designers and musicians).

Though we initially started a mental, emotionally, friendly type of bond, it turned into flirtation which led to a psychical relationship.

The sex was mind blowing and let me know that not only did we have chemistry mentally, we also had it in the physical department as well. (Which was great to know.)

After we had sex, he remained the same. We still spoke everyday and he opened up to me a bit more. In the past, we spoke about how his previous relationships ended or things he went through with women. He admitted that they left him scarred and afraid of commitment or getting too close. At first, this wasn’t a huge issue because I felt similarly and thought that if it was meant to be, we would let our guards down and let love in.

Fast forward to now, my feelings have grown. He is such a great man, he treats me well and respects me. Takes me out, opens doors for me, etc. It is difficult not to want to explore a relationship together.

He knows how I feel and tells me that he wants me too, but that he is still uncertain about certain factors such as our age difference (he’s 39 and I’m 25) and wants to get to know me better, but I’m worried that this will go on for more months and I’ll be here acting like a girlfriend and not actually being one. The last woman he dated was his “dating partner” for a year and they still didn’t get together. I’m afraid of being disappointed.

At his age, I would’ve thought he’d be married by now or at least interested in settling down, he says that he wants everything I do, but he wants to make sure it’s right. Mainly, because he doesn’t want to disappoint himself or his family. First of all, he’s not even supposed to be having premarital sex and hadn’t been for a year before meeting me.

So yeah... that’s the backstory.

The day before yesterday, we were having a texting convo via WhatsApp. I decided to ask him straight up without sugar coating, if he wants to be with me for real and his response was,

“There is a part of me that wants to be with you. But admittedly, some moments are fine and other moments I'm not as confident.”

When I read that, something flared up within me. I felt upset... some moments are FINE? Just fine? I’m giving my all and it’s just fine. I was appalled and honestly hurt. He’s always said he wouldn’t hurt me after everything I’ve been through. That statement really cut me deeply, especially since I’ve been putting so much effort to prove I was loyal and could be a great girlfriend.

So I asked him what makes him feel less confident and this was his response,

“sigh I can't say exactly why it's this way. I don't mean to make you feel the way you do. I’m just being honest.”

So I responded by saying,

“I want to continue this and build something real and to be there for you but I won’t lie... reading stuff like this and facing the reality of how differently we see this situation... really hurts.”

He said he understood and that he wishes he knew how to help himself or deal with his deep-seated issues that are preventing him from moving forward... that he has had this problem in the past, but he wanted it to be different with me. He reassured me that I’m not doing anything wrong and not to think that way.

At this point, I felt myself shut down.

We’ve had conversations in which I expressed my concerns before. With things like him not being affectionate unless we’re in bed, caring too much about his family’s opinion or other simple things, but for some reason I felt them all add up and I wanted to cry.

I fell in love with him, I want so badly to be together but he just doesn’t seem capable and I don’t wanna continue to hurt myself trying to heal him.

So I never responded to his last message...

I felt I needed to think and that ended up turning into a day of him messaging and calling and me not responding. (4 messages, 3 missed calls.)

It wasn’t intentional but I just didn’t know what to say anymore. I feel bad for making him worried. My emotions are raw and drained all at once. Also, my brother just died a week ago. This is far too much and I’m tired of feeling like I’m begging for a relationship.

So my questions are...

Should I respond? What should I say?

What is the best thing to do in this situation?

Should I stay or go?

Thanks for your time.

I don’t have friends I feel comfortable with asking for advice.

When a man tells you how he feels, believe him.

Since you did this via WhatsApp and not via voice, you actually have the benefit of having it in writing, so you can re-read it if you need to.

He does not want the same things you do. He couldn't have said it much more clearly, or honestly.

He may end up to be that 70 year-old guy who never settled down, or he might find someone and marry her within a week. Unfortunately, neither case works for you.

You will have to move on. You've spent a year on this; how much more time are you willing to put in for someone who only wants you as a part-time girl?

Are you in an exclusive relationship? Translation: I'm using you for sex:

“There is a part of me that wants to be with you. But admittedly, some moments are fine and other moments I'm not as confident.”

What LHGirl said.

He's been crystal clear about where he is, right now, with you. He's not offering nothing, but it sounds like he's not offering what you need to feel secure and confident in things. What works for him feels static for you.

That sucks, but it's not on you right now to "change" him, but to gauge where you are, what you need, and whether this is enough. If you continue to stay in something hoping he'll come around while being deeply anxious you'll just find yourself resenting the whole scenario.

I can relate to this, in ways. My last relationship started much the same way, with a similar age difference: she was 23, I was 35. I had my reasons for wanting to take things slow, not rush to define things: some of it due to the age gap, some due to some personal stuff I was working through. I tried my best to be clear and respectful. I did come around to fully commit to her, to fall in love, but the early emotional imbalance was ultimately impossible to recover from. She was always a bit unsure if my feelings were genuine, and we could never fully settle into things. I won't bore you with the drama, but it didn't end well.

Moral of the story: know your comfort zone, as well as your needs and expectations. Those rarely line up perfectly early on, so it's on us to know how comfortable we are in the so-called gray zone. It sounds like you've reached your threshold. To continue pretending otherwise is going to send the message to him that all is, well, fine, when really it's not.

I'd respond to him with something like: "I've spent the past few days thinking about things. As wonderful as this has been, I don't think the timing is right to continue."

Yeah, LHGirl is correct. He's either going to wind up never marrying, or marrying some other girl after a whirlwind weekend.

With a 14-year difference, you're both at different stages of your lives. You're full of love, hope and optimism, he's jaded, full of criticism and cynicism. The whole religious thing makes things worse. He's a hypocrite too, saying he's not suppose to have premarital sex, yet obviously having it throughout his life.

Don't be fooled by his apparent complexity or his tortured soul. It's an act to get sympathy. It's designed to activate your maternal instincts to try to heal him. Don't waste your time on him. He's not going to commit to you.

You need to find a young guy who has love, hope and optimism too. This son of a preacher man is just going to sap your love and your energy and leave you depressed and cynical too.

He's not using you he simply is fine with a casual dating arrangement where you have sex also and you are not. You two want different things.

My response would be "I understand. If at some point you want to see me exclusively you can contact me and if I'm still interested and available I will consider it. Please don't contact me otherwise."

The day before yesterday, we were having a texting convo via WhatsApp. I decided to ask him straight up without sugar coating, if he wants to be with me for real and his response was,

“There is a part of me that wants to be with you. But admittedly, some moments are fine and other moments I'm not as confident.”

I can only speak for myself, but I'd want to know where I stand, before rather than after, deciding to be intimate. It's your call, but you may have had a different outcome if you took the time to judge if there was potential for a strong emotional connection, before hitting the sheets.