She wants us to have our "own space." How much?

I [40/m] met her [29/f] last October. By Christmas, I had already moved in her with traveled across the country with her to visit her family. Things went too quickly. I know. Ever since her cat got Cancer and died six weeks ago, she hasn't been the same. She says her job is stressing her out and we need to get our "own space." I immediately went on CraigsList and found a month to month apartment the next day so she can start healing quicker. The new place is all I could afford since I already paid my half of all the bills for the month. The only problem is I will still need to stay at our current apartment one to nights per week while my current place is being renovated. Our current apartment is small, but has a spare bedroom and bath I could use. We both have nobody else we can stay with. How do I give her space without smothering her?

I [40/m] met her [29/f] last October. By Christmas, I had already moved in her with traveled across the country with her to visit her family. Things went too quickly. I know. Ever since her cat got Cancer and died six weeks ago, she hasn't been the same. She says her job is stressing her out and we need to get our "own space." I immediately went on CraigsList and found a month to month apartment the next day so she can start healing quicker. The new place is all I could afford since I already paid my half of all the bills for the month. The only problem is I will still need to stay at our current apartment one to nights per week while my current place is being renovated. Our current apartment is small, but has a spare bedroom and bath I could use. We both have nobody else we can stay with. How do I give her space without smothering her?

I don't quite understand - are you moving out on your own, while she stays in the current apartment?

If so, this is likely the beginning of the end. This relationship moved too quickly and is now going backwards. I wouldn't hold your breath for this lasting once you move out.

Let her take the lead in communicating and getting together. But I agree with MissCanuck. This relationship likely will fizzle. Just learn from your mistakes. Don't make major decisions like living together for at least a year, when you've seen who the person is past the honeymoon stage. Do you have a fulfilling life besides having a romantic partner? If not, get one, as it's smothering to make one person the sole center of your universe. Also, the larger the age gap, the higher risk of failure in romantic relationships. You might have better success dating someone closer to your age.

Let her take the lead in communicating and getting together. But I agree with MissCanuck. This relationship likely will fizzle. Just learn from your mistakes. Don't make major decisions like living together for at least a year, when you've seen who the person is past the honeymoon stage. Do you have a fulfilling life besides having a romantic partner? If not, get one, as it's smothering to make one person the sole center of your universe. Also, the larger the age gap, the higher risk of failure in romantic relationships. You might have better success dating someone closer to your age.

Thank you for the response. I have a very active social life. I play in tennis leagues three nights per week. I have friends outside of this relationship, just not any that I can stay with at the moment. She and I don't really see each other except for an hour at night and weekends because of her work schedule. She told me early on that she like older men. Her mom and dad had a 19 year age difference so I'm not sure it that's a concern.

I found an apartment nearby, but I can't stay there full time for another few weeks. It's being renovated. It's all I can afford right now. She has agreed to let me stay in our current apartment part time until I can find something permanent. I just don't want to be in her way while transitioning to a new place.

Go out on those nights, then come in at a time she is in bed already...get up earlier than her and leave before she gets up. IMO you have paid for this months rent so you shouldn't be put out.

Go out on those nights, then come in at a time she is in bed already...get up earlier than her and leave before she gets up. IMO you have paid for this months rent so you shouldn't be put out.

Thank you. I think that's what I will do.

I would fully live at the apartment you share until your place is ready. Sorry - but you are paying rent. You should not have to leave the house before she rises -- you have a set date when you are moving out and have paid rent. if your place is being renoveted - you can't securely keep your valuables there yet. Don't just sit in the apartment you share and watch tv in the living room constantly but you should not feel like you are living out of your car, either. she can go out with friends so she doesn't have to talk to you just as much

I would fully live at the apartment you share until your place is ready. Sorry - but you are paying rent. You should not have to leave the house before she rises -- you have a set date when you are moving out and have paid rent. if your place is being renoveted - you can't securely keep your valuables there yet. Don't just sit in the apartment you share and watch tv in the living room constantly but you should not feel like you are living out of your car, either. she can go out with friends so she doesn't have to talk to you just as much

Thank you for the reply. I spent last night at our apartment, because I accidentally locked my self out of the new apartment. She was extremely unhappy that I was there. She refunded me the rent money and told me to give her they key this morning. She told me that if I want a chance to get things back to when we were happy, I need to go to a doctor or psychiatrist. She is a therapist and is 100% sure I have adhd. She also said to not contact her and that she will contact me after she's had enough space.

Thank you for the reply. I spent last night at our apartment, because I accidentally locked my self out of the new apartment. She was extremely unhappy that I was there. She refunded me the rent money and told me to give her they key this morning. She told me that if I want a chance to get things back to when we were happy, I need to go to a doctor or psychiatrist. She is a therapist and is 100% sure I have adhd. She also said to not contact her and that she will contact me after she's had enough space.

Unless your were violent. she is acting immaturely. You have a date for when your apartment will be ready. When you are adults who share a lease -- sometimes it happens where there is overlap and you have to stay with the person you broke up with a couple weeks. Not having sex and just being ships who pass in the night is enough space until you can officially move out. You acted like a grownup by finding somewhere to go without lingering. I think its unfair for her to say "i will contact you after i have had space" is bs. I would consider it permanent. Maybe she wants you out yesterday because she wants to bring a guy over. Who knows. Stand your ground. Say "no -- my apartment will be ready to spend the night in on X date, as i said before. The bathroom will be complete and the sink and stove will be in by then. I cannot leave sooner than that. you know and we agreed."

I don't think she is going to bring a guy over. We did agree on that. She really just wants the stress I'm causing her to leave because her job is so demanding. She moved here from Wisconsin and knows nobody else here.

Thank you for the reply. I spent last night at our apartment, because I accidentally locked my self out of the new apartment. She was extremely unhappy that I was there. She refunded me the rent money and told me to give her they key this morning. She told me that if I want a chance to get things back to when we were happy, I need to go to a doctor or psychiatrist. She is a therapist and is 100% sure I have adhd. She also said to not contact her and that she will contact me after she's had enough space.

You've been dumped, OP.

If she is a therapist, I am surprised she let this relationship move at lightning speed and essentially kicked you claiming it was because she needs space. For someone who counsels others on how to live a productive, mindful and balanced life, she hasn't done a good job of applying those principles in her own life, it seems.

I would consider this relationship over. She clearly doesn't want to be together anymore and she has not handled this well at all. As for her demand you see a psychiatrist, well, do you think you need to? If so, go for it, but not with the goal of getting her back.

Unless your were violent. she is acting immaturely. You have a date for when your apartment will be ready. When you are adults who share a lease -- sometimes it happens where there is overlap and you have to stay with the person you broke up with a couple weeks. Not having sex and just being ships who pass in the night is enough space until you can officially move out. You acted like a grownup by finding somewhere to go without lingering. I think its unfair for her to say "i will contact you after i have had space" is bs. I would consider it permanent. Maybe she wants you out yesterday because she wants to bring a guy over. Who knows. Stand your ground. Say "no -- my apartment will be ready to spend the night in on X date, as i said before. The bathroom will be complete and the sink and stove will be in by then. I cannot leave sooner than that. you know and we agreed."

We had another conversation yesterday. Apparently ADHD isn't my only problem. She said I was too pushy when I wanted sex and became angry easily. Hoping therapy will fix that.

You've been dumped, OP.

 

If she is a therapist, I am surprised she let this relationship move at lightning speed and essentially kicked you claiming it was because she needs space. For someone who counsels others on how to live a productive, mindful and balanced life, she hasn't done a good job of applying those principles in her own life, it seems.

 

I would consider this relationship over. She clearly doesn't want to be together anymore and she has not handled this well at all. As for her demand you see a psychiatrist, well, do you think you need to? If so, go for it, but not with the goal of getting her back.

I believe she has bpd. She makes very impulsive decisions. I won't go into details, but she fits the description to a T. I honestly think I should get some help. I think it will help me in the future with whoever I date. She brought up some stuff after I posted this that I didn't realize I was doing wrong (pushing for sex, verbally abusive). It scares me that I didn't realize I was doing that and how it was affecting her. I'm actually in tears right now thinking about what I did.

Unless your were violent. she is acting immaturely. You have a date for when your apartment will be ready. When you are adults who share a lease -- sometimes it happens where there is overlap and you have to stay with the person you broke up with a couple weeks. Not having sex and just being ships who pass in the night is enough space until you can officially move out. You acted like a grownup by finding somewhere to go without lingering. I think its unfair for her to say "i will contact you after i have had space" is bs. I would consider it permanent. Maybe she wants you out yesterday because she wants to bring a guy over. Who knows. Stand your ground. Say "no -- my apartment will be ready to spend the night in on X date, as i said before. The bathroom will be complete and the sink and stove will be in by then. I cannot leave sooner than that. you know and we agreed."

I didn't think I was acting violently at any time, but according to her, I was abusive. She said I tend to get pushy when I want sex and would snap at her sometimes. I honestly didn't know I was being pushy or snappy. I feel terrible now after hearing that.

I believe she has bpd. She makes very impulsive decisions. I won't go into details, but she fits the description to a T. I honestly think I should get some help. I think it will help me in the future with whoever I date. She brought up some stuff after I posted this that I didn't realize I was doing wrong (pushing for sex, verbally abusive). It scares me that I didn't realize I was doing that and how it was affecting her. I'm actually in tears right now thinking about what I did.

My ex also suffers from BPD (diagnosed) If she does too, and she is untreated, this relationship would have likely been very chaotic and unstable.

Can you define verbal abuse for me? I find it hard to fathom how you didn't realize you were verbally abusing her. What did you say to her? Pushing for sex is also very disrespectful, so if she felt pressured, she was right to call you out.

It doesn't sound like this relationship was going to last regardless. It was moving far too fast and fell apart just as quickly. I would stay broken up.

Right now your best bet is to leave her alone and be much more independent. Stay in your own place. If you lose your key, contact the landlord, management, etc and make a copy. It's no longer "our apt" so stay away and stay out.

It sounds like if you keep going in this trajectory soon you'll have a restraining order. Once a woman says "I was abusive. I tend to get pushy when I want sex", game over, stay away.

I accidentally locked my self out of the new apartment. She was extremely unhappy that I was there. She refunded me the rent money and told me to give her they key this morning.I honestly didn't know I was being pushy or snappy.

My ex also suffers from BPD (diagnosed) If she does too, and she is untreated, this relationship would have likely been very chaotic and unstable.

 

Can you define verbal abuse for me? I find it hard to fathom how you didn't realize you were verbally abusing her. What did you say to her? Pushing for sex is also very disrespectful, so if she felt pressured, she was right to call you out.

 

It doesn't sound like this relationship was going to last regardless. It was moving far too fast and fell apart just as quickly. I would stay broken up.

I actually blew up a little bit a couple of weeks ago. I was sitting on the couch while she was in the kitchen. Her phone was beside me. She got a text from a guy. Long story short, the text was him thanking her for having sex with him. She had visited him in Louisville on her way to visit family in Wisconsin about a month ago. At that time it had been about a month since we had sex or even kissed. When I confronted her she basically said we had never determined our relationship which is true. We never flat out said we were exclusive, but I just assumed. I am not blaming her for everything. As I am here sitting in my office, I am looking at stuff she had bought me to decorate. She even hand made me some stuff. What did I ever do for her? I never bought her flowers or anything. Yes, we went out on dates, but I never went the extra mile. She would try to hold my hand in public and I wouldn't let her. She would post pictures of us together online, but I wouldn't let her tag me in them. I was an ass not that I've had time to realize it. I am praying that medication and therapy will change the way I behave in relationships.

My ex also suffers from BPD (diagnosed) If she does too, and she is untreated, this relationship would have likely been very chaotic and unstable.

 

Can you define verbal abuse for me? I find it hard to fathom how you didn't realize you were verbally abusing her. What did you say to her? Pushing for sex is also very disrespectful, so if she felt pressured, she was right to call you out.

 

It doesn't sound like this relationship was going to last regardless. It was moving far too fast and fell apart just as quickly. I would stay broken up.

She never called me out about being pushy for sex until this past weekend. At that point it had been five weeks since we had even kissed. If she would have told me when it was happening, I would have stopped. The only time she said I verbally abused her was when I found out she slept with someone else. Yes, I flew off the handle a bit. I raised my voice and smashed a cheap computer keyboard that I already had a ton of anyway. Other than that, I just tried to get her to talk and she wouldn't.

Right now your best bet is to leave her alone and be much more independent. Stay in your own place. If you lose your key, contact the landlord, management, etc and make a copy. It's no longer "our apt" so stay away and stay out.

 

It sounds like if you keep going in this trajectory soon you'll have a restraining order. Once a woman says "I was abusive. I tend to get pushy when I want sex", game over, stay away.

Thank you. I totally agree. We talked a little more Saturday morning. On my way out the door she said exactly, "if we are going to get things back to the way they were, you have to get help and give me space." It was hard as hell not to contact her yesterday, and I didn'tt. I did message her sister in Wisconsin right before bed though. I basically told her I hope to see the sister and her husband and kid in a few weeks when they come visit, but right now it isn't looking good. I have to go back to the apartment next weekend to get the rest of my stuff. I'm hoping she will see I am making a real effort. I am seeing a doctor today and have contacted a few psychologists about making an appointment.

Right now your best bet is to leave her alone and be much more independent. Stay in your own place. If you lose your key, contact the landlord, management, etc and make a copy. It's no longer "our apt" so stay away and stay out.

 

It sounds like if you keep going in this trajectory soon you'll have a restraining order. Once a woman says "I was abusive. I tend to get pushy when I want sex", game over, stay away.

I agree with you. When she told me that, I almost cried. I am not totally blaming her for everything even with her sleeping with another guy. I pushed her away and didn't realize it. I kept thinking she was depressed because all of this started when her cat died. No, I had been an ass for a long time and that was her breaking point so she ran to another guy. I am not about risking a restraining order.

This relationship was ridiculously unhealthy, OP.

It was never going to last.

This relationship was ridiculously unhealthy, OP.

 

It was never going to last.

She never complained about anything. I never complained. I thought everything was going fine until I saw that text.

Take that rent money and stay at an extended stay hotel for a few weeks if you have to, or just move into the apartment and use the showers at the YMCA.

Stay away from her.

It is over.

Take that rent money and stay at an extended stay hotel for a few weeks if you have to, or just move into the apartment and use the showers at the YMCA.

 

Stay away from her.

 

It is over.

I finally moved into the apartment late last night. I still don't have blinds or curtains, but they should be here today. I still have some stuff at the old apartment I have to get. Unfortunately, she made me give her the key so I have to contact her to get in. I had a panic attack yesterday when I visited a store we used to frequent. It's going to be so hard to see her.