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Thread: She wants us to have our "own space." How much?

  1. #1
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    She wants us to have our "own space." How much?

    I [40/m] met her [29/f] last October. By Christmas, I had already moved in her with traveled across the country with her to visit her family. Things went too quickly. I know. Ever since her cat got Cancer and died six weeks ago, she hasn't been the same. She says her job is stressing her out and we need to get our "own space." I immediately went on CraigsList and found a month to month apartment the next day so she can start healing quicker. The new place is all I could afford since I already paid my half of all the bills for the month. The only problem is I will still need to stay at our current apartment one to nights per week while my current place is being renovated. Our current apartment is small, but has a spare bedroom and bath I could use. We both have nobody else we can stay with. How do I give her space without smothering her?
    Last edited by cousin; 08-03-2018 at 07:36 AM. Reason: grammar

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    Originally Posted by cousin
    I [40/m] met her [29/f] last October. By Christmas, I had already moved in her with traveled across the country with her to visit her family. Things went too quickly. I know. Ever since her cat got Cancer and died six weeks ago, she hasn't been the same. She says her job is stressing her out and we need to get our "own space." I immediately went on CraigsList and found a month to month apartment the next day so she can start healing quicker. The new place is all I could afford since I already paid my half of all the bills for the month. The only problem is I will still need to stay at our current apartment one to nights per week while my current place is being renovated. Our current apartment is small, but has a spare bedroom and bath I could use. We both have nobody else we can stay with. How do I give her space without smothering her?
    I don't quite understand - are you moving out on your own, while she stays in the current apartment?

    If so, this is likely the beginning of the end. This relationship moved too quickly and is now going backwards. I wouldn't hold your breath for this lasting once you move out.

  3. #3
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    Let her take the lead in communicating and getting together. But I agree with MissCanuck. This relationship likely will fizzle. Just learn from your mistakes. Don't make major decisions like living together for at least a year, when you've seen who the person is past the honeymoon stage. Do you have a fulfilling life besides having a romantic partner? If not, get one, as it's smothering to make one person the sole center of your universe. Also, the larger the age gap, the higher risk of failure in romantic relationships. You might have better success dating someone closer to your age.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Let her take the lead in communicating and getting together. But I agree with MissCanuck. This relationship likely will fizzle. Just learn from your mistakes. Don't make major decisions like living together for at least a year, when you've seen who the person is past the honeymoon stage. Do you have a fulfilling life besides having a romantic partner? If not, get one, as it's smothering to make one person the sole center of your universe. Also, the larger the age gap, the higher risk of failure in romantic relationships. You might have better success dating someone closer to your age.
    Thank you for the response. I have a very active social life. I play in tennis leagues three nights per week. I have friends outside of this relationship, just not any that I can stay with at the moment. She and I don't really see each other except for an hour at night and weekends because of her work schedule. She told me early on that she like older men. Her mom and dad had a 19 year age difference so I'm not sure it that's a concern.

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    I found an apartment nearby, but I can't stay there full time for another few weeks. It's being renovated. It's all I can afford right now. She has agreed to let me stay in our current apartment part time until I can find something permanent. I just don't want to be in her way while transitioning to a new place.

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    Go out on those nights, then come in at a time she is in bed already...get up earlier than her and leave before she gets up. IMO you have paid for this months rent so you shouldn't be put out.

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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Go out on those nights, then come in at a time she is in bed already...get up earlier than her and leave before she gets up. IMO you have paid for this months rent so you shouldn't be put out.
    Thank you. I think that's what I will do.

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    I would fully live at the apartment you share until your place is ready. Sorry - but you are paying rent. You should not have to leave the house before she rises -- you have a set date when you are moving out and have paid rent. if your place is being renoveted - you can't securely keep your valuables there yet. Don't just sit in the apartment you share and watch tv in the living room constantly but you should not feel like you are living out of your car, either. she can go out with friends so she doesn't have to talk to you just as much

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I would fully live at the apartment you share until your place is ready. Sorry - but you are paying rent. You should not have to leave the house before she rises -- you have a set date when you are moving out and have paid rent. if your place is being renoveted - you can't securely keep your valuables there yet. Don't just sit in the apartment you share and watch tv in the living room constantly but you should not feel like you are living out of your car, either. she can go out with friends so she doesn't have to talk to you just as much
    Thank you for the reply. I spent last night at our apartment, because I accidentally locked my self out of the new apartment. She was extremely unhappy that I was there. She refunded me the rent money and told me to give her they key this morning. She told me that if I want a chance to get things back to when we were happy, I need to go to a doctor or psychiatrist. She is a therapist and is 100% sure I have adhd. She also said to not contact her and that she will contact me after she's had enough space.

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    Originally Posted by cousin
    Thank you for the reply. I spent last night at our apartment, because I accidentally locked my self out of the new apartment. She was extremely unhappy that I was there. She refunded me the rent money and told me to give her they key this morning. She told me that if I want a chance to get things back to when we were happy, I need to go to a doctor or psychiatrist. She is a therapist and is 100% sure I have adhd. She also said to not contact her and that she will contact me after she's had enough space.
    Unless your were violent. she is acting immaturely. You have a date for when your apartment will be ready. When you are adults who share a lease -- sometimes it happens where there is overlap and you have to stay with the person you broke up with a couple weeks. Not having sex and just being ships who pass in the night is enough space until you can officially move out. You acted like a grownup by finding somewhere to go without lingering. I think its unfair for her to say "i will contact you after i have had space" is bs. I would consider it permanent. Maybe she wants you out yesterday because she wants to bring a guy over. Who knows. Stand your ground. Say "no -- my apartment will be ready to spend the night in on X date, as i said before. The bathroom will be complete and the sink and stove will be in by then. I cannot leave sooner than that. you know and we agreed."

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