Little lies

Hello,i'm just going to describe the current situation.

I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl now for about 2 years.. we both work and are happy with the amount of time we have together.

We have been talking about moving in with eachoter, but nothing is certain yet.

With that said, here is my problem... At the 1 year mark i was with her for an extended period of time because she was moving to a new flat so there was allot of work to do.

I met her family and worked in her flat to improve certain things, her family was great and i feel like everything was falling in place...

When we were driving to a store she asked me to look up the adress her mother send her on her phone on whatsapp.(she was driving)

So i looked it up and set it into the gps, then as a joke i opened up the first dudes name in her whatsapp that i see and told her its a shakedown.

I wasn't out to find anything or whatever, she uses my phone all the time and i use hers so i didn't think anything of it... But she instantly snatched her phone away(so fast that it scared me a little even) and started blushing.

So i knew something was up and asked her what the problem was, she became nervous and acted so suspicious that i wanted to see what was in it and i told her that.

The rest of the trip to the store she was completely silent, after we got back home she threw the phone at me and went to another room.

So she let me read it, and turns out she wanted to invite her ex boyfriend from years back into her new flat for a dinner the weekend after i was supposed to leave.

It got me a little upset because to me it felt like i was just doing all the work so she could enjoy it one week later with another guy, i wouldn't think she would straight up cheat on me but it was still a little bit of a shock.

I explained to her that i was not comfortable with it and asked her why she did not just tell me, or even introduced me to the guy first... i do not know if i would be completely ok with it, but it would have been better.

Then as we talked about it, she more or less told me she was inviting him to keep her options open in case it wouldn't work out between us with moving in together.

This to me was not OK at all, i told her she had to make a decision before i went back to my place... she either trusts in our relationship or she does not, Everything or nothing.

She decided she wanted to work on it and go for it, told me she was happy with me.

A year ahead, here we are now.

Now i cant say it didn't do any damage to my trust in her, and i was a little suspicious for a while after.

And have been trying to forget it ever since, i think she is to.

But recently i have been catching her with little lies pretty often, little convenience lies... nothing of importance, but its kind of making me suspicious again.

And when i confronted her a few times about it and asked why she just simply didn't tell me the truth, because its nothing to argue about.

She got a bit upset and told me i should not be checking up stuff like this, she turned it around on me... and now i feel bad.

Is it normal for people to make such little lies in their daily life? I start to think to myself, if i never got over it that she tried to meet her ex back then.

Maybe subconsciously i am being paranoid and check every little detail, I don't know anymore if i should keep confronting her about these lies or not.

Because i feel like its damaging our relationship, but if i dont i think i will become increasingly suspicious about everything.

"little white lies" and an intimate committed relationship will not work together. Especially in light of her previous actions and the trust that was damaged.

She should be being transparent with you.

This is one of the consequences when trust is lost. You are now second guessing yourself and trying to make excuses for her continued lying.

I'm sorry. This is not a good sign.

You don't have some strange character flaw that causes you to be suspicious. She did something to lose your trust, you've worked to get it back and she continues to lie.

I agree that it's not a good sign. I think that if you're not snooping, but catching her in lies... It's like why lie if it isn't of significance? She can't communicate with you healthily at best, and is hiding something at worst.

Well, it depends on what the little white lies are. We've had people write in about catching their SO in a lie and the lie was the guy wanted to take a nap or needed to buy a pair of jeans and just didn't want to get into an argument about being tied or get the third degree for going to the store by himsself. Now, if your gf is sneaking out and lying about meeting men behind your back, that's a different story.

So it does depend on what the lies are. Emily Post and others have talked about the importance of little white lies in society. They're designed not to hurt someone's feelings. So you turn down an invite to a party by saying you're suffering from a minor cold and you don't want to get people sick rather than telling the hostess she's a crushing bore and you wouldn't be caught dead in her house.

If these white lies are just nothing, you have to learn to stop being suspicious and possessive and lighten up a bit. You're going to lose this girl if you're getting all crazy and stuff. If they're major lies, like meeting with her ex again, then you should break up right now.

So she let me read it, and turns out she wanted to invite her ex boyfriend from years back into her new flat for a dinner the weekend after i was supposed to leave.

^

This was the writing on the wall, and the time to walk, (imo). Or....you could put her on a leash, and take on the role of a "PI". How does that sound?

Not a good sign. Once you get to a point where you are not able to fully trust, you have lost the relationship. I would let go of the relationship and move on. You are not compatible.

I would not continue with this girl.

After a year of dating, she was trying to cheat; let's face it, nobody invites their ex to cozy dinner a deux at home without an ulterior motive. And honestly, there is probably more to that story than just that one invite. I'd put money on that, actually.

What she doesn't seem to get is that little white lies matter a lot when she has an established history of lying and hiding things. Sure, those little fibs are probably innocent enough, but the deeper problem is that you understandably don't trust her.

So, you have a decision to make. It's been a year since you caught her red-handed. You can either continue to stay and accept that she isn't generally an honest person, or end it and start fresh with a woman who behaves honorably at all times, even when you aren't looking.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like there are a lot more problems than you think. Whose idea is it to move in together and who is moving to and moving in with whom? For example why would she state she needs a backup plan? Although not cheating exactly, this should have given you reason to rethink this entire situation:

she more or less told me she was inviting him to keep her options open in case it wouldn't work out between us with moving in together.

Speaking only for myself, I'd need to decide whether the climate of this relationship is the way I want to live. Looking over my shoulder all the time? Naaah, I'd pass on that.

If I were to reach a point where I felt consistently prompted to solve a mystery, I'd skip that and move my life forward. If GF is ever capable of meeting you on higher ground someday, she'll show up and do that. Otherwise, what's the whole point to living with a knot in your stomach?

Head high.