Is it okay for my girlfriend to remain friends with a guy she had a crush on?

I posted a few weeks ago about a situation that happened with my girlfriend of around a year. We currently live a couple of hours away but have had been making the distance work, seeing eachother on weekends. She works a full time job over the summer and became friends with and developed a crush on one of her coworkers which was reciprocated. This led to us to almost breaking up but resulted with her realizing that she cares more about me and everything we've been through and that she had just gotten confused and she loved and wanted to be with only me.

I had troubles trusting her afterwords but she seemed to go back to normal and she realized she messed up and did her best to prove that she had just made a mistake and that it wouldnt happen again. Despite this, she still wanted to remain friends with her coworker saying how he was a really good friend and that she didn't want to hurt him. So that brings us to now, she claims that shes not into him that way anymore and sees him purely as a friend, and would turn him down if he were to ever make a move. I believe her for the most part but I'm still paranoid that just being friends with him and hanging out with him at times other than work (in a group) will stir up feelings in her again.

So what should I do? I don't want to give her an ultimatum not to be friends with this guy. If I did, it would onyl push her further away from me. Ive tried being honest with her with how I feel and she feels very guilty and sad shes hurting me but not enough to cut ties with this guy. Despite all this though, I do feel that she has a new found commitment to me and wouldn't intentionally jeopardize our relationship again. From what I can tell, she is just friends with this guy now and has started giving out more friendzone vibes but I still get jealous when she talks about him or about hanging out with him. Partly because I know the guy has a big crush on her still.

Sorry again for the long message TDLR: Distance Girlfriend of a year almost broke up with me because of a crush she has on her coworker which was reciprocated. We since recovered from this incident seemingly stronger than before but she still wants to be friends with the guy and continues to hangout and talk to him. Even though she hasn't given any reason to doubt her I still feel uneasy about their friendship. How should I handle this?

I posted a few weeks ago about a situation that happened with my girlfriend of around a year. We currently live a couple of hours away but have had been making the distance work, seeing eachother on weekends. She works a full time job over the summer and became friends with and developed a crush on one of her coworkers which was reciprocated. This led to us to almost breaking up but resulted with her realizing that she cares more about me and everything we've been through and that she had just gotten confused and she loved and wanted to be with only me.

 

I had troubles trusting her afterwords but she seemed to go back to normal and she realized she messed up and did her best to prove that she had just made a mistake and that it wouldnt happen again. Despite this, she still wanted to remain friends with her coworker saying how he was a really good friend and that she didn't want to hurt him. So that brings us to now, she claims that shes not into him that way anymore and sees him purely as a friend, and would turn him down if he were to ever make a move. I believe her for the most part but I'm still paranoid that just being friends with him and hanging out with him at times other than work (in a group) will stir up feelings in her again.

 

So what should I do? I don't want to give her an ultimatum not to be friends with this guy. If I did, it would onyl push her further away from me. Ive tried being honest with her with how I feel and she feels very guilty and sad shes hurting me but not enough to cut ties with this guy. Despite all this though, I do feel that she has a new found commitment to me and wouldn't intentionally jeopardize our relationship again. From what I can tell, she is just friends with this guy now and has started giving out more friendzone vibes but I still get jealous when she talks about him or about hanging out with him. Partly because I know the guy has a big crush on her still.

 

Sorry again for the long message TDLR: Distance Girlfriend of a year almost broke up with me because of a crush she has on her coworker which was reciprocated. We since recovered from this incident seemingly stronger than before but she still wants to be friends with the guy and continues to hangout and talk to him. Even though she hasn't given any reason to doubt her I still feel uneasy about their friendship. How should I handle this?

Seems like she is testing you a bit.

So how was the crush reciprocated? I'm not clear on what she did other than to tell you she had a crush on someone. Her only mistake here was telling you. You can be sure in the future, she won't be doing that again.

I would trust her unless she gives you a reason not to. However, I'd consider that a tacky/immature move by telling you about her crush.

At any rate, I'd still cut the cards, and keep my eyes open.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like the distance is Not working at all and she needs a lot of weekday male company and attention but when he's not around you fill in on weekends. You don't need to give her an ultimatum.

She doesn't sound sad about hurting you or the relationship at all. She sounds like a good talker and quick with the lip service and rationalizing and has someone as a back up who she didn't miraculously loose her attraction to.

It's on you to just end it. Otherwise sooner or later when she nails him down you will get the "I'm confused" line.

she still wanted to remain friends with her coworker saying how he was a really good friend and that she didn't want to hurt him. hanging out with him at times other than work.

Considering the circumstances outlined in your previous thread here, https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552527, no, I would absolutely not be okay with her insistence on remaining friends with this guy. I wouldn't believe that she suddenly doesn't have feelings for him anymore; this episode and her level of guilt connected to it are far too recent.

Look, she is very young and she isn't mature enough yet to implement appropriate boundaries conducive to a committed relationship. I would be clear that you are uncomfortable with her choices, and if she chooses to proceed anyway, you will need to reconsider your relationship. She can befriend whomever she chooses, yes, but her priorities in this relationship are questionable.

Well she wasn't going to tell me about her crush, I basically got it out of her. I could tell she was acting different around me and was paying alot of attenttion to her phone. According to her, If I hadn't noticed anything she was going to use that week (we were on vacation at the time) to see for herself if being with me changed her mind or reaffirmed her feelings or whatever.

Thank you for your advice and also taking the time to look back over my previos post. I truly believe that my girlfriend is a good person but I agree that her greatest flaw is immaturity and inexperience about these kinds of things. Things have been much better since the incident and she tells me she doesn't feel that way towards this guy anymore and I like to think i'm very good at reading people and I can tell when she's lying to me and I don't think she is now.

If she had more experience in dating I'm sure she would set up better boundaries, but to her she naively thinks that she can have the best of both worlds and be friends with this guy and be with me. I don't think she fully understands that these feelings she had were unitnetnional and could easily come again, despite what she might think. But the point of the matter is that she is going to keep being friends with this guy and she's asking me to trust her. So that's what i'm going to do. And if she breaks my trust again, then I won't give her another chance.

Yes, her feelings might return. It's impossible to predict, but it's a possibility. Only time will tell.

Does she ever invite you to hang out with this group that includes him?

Well we currently live a couple of hours apart and only see eachother on the weekends. She hangs out with him and other coworkers usually sometimes after work or on the weekends where we don'tsee eachother. We've kinda talkled about it before and I think she would be cool with it and says that I would actually get along with him if I met him. On the other hand, this weekend for example I said I would like to see her and she said she'd like a weekend off to spend more time with her friends and family which includes a party the guy is hosting tommorow night. I would have liked if she had invited me at least for a day to meet her friends, but I don't want to jump to conclusions, maybe she did just want a break, we have spent a lot of time together over the last couple of weeks. But this is the second party the guy has hosted and she's always keen to go to them. The first one she left on a saturday instead of sunday so she could make it, so I dunno.

I would observe. See how friendly she continues to be with him. Sooner or later, you will have you answer as to whether there's something more going on.

Sorry this is happening. She is slowly but surely replacing you with local coworker crush. It sounds like she's working on him to become a bf and when that happens you'll get the "busy" or "confused" routine. You are already getting the "space" excuse.

this weekend for example I said I would like to see her and she said she'd like a weekend off to spend more time with her friends and family which includes a party the guy is hosting

Update for everyone, my girlfriend had a relapse. The guy professed his love for her last night, and while she turned him down in the moment, it made her confused again and unsure about us. She said she needed "time to think" on what she wanted, but this is the second time this has happened, and she admitted that deep down she knew she was encouraging her feelings. So I cut my losses and told her we should break up, what she was doing wasn't fair to me. As of now, we broke up, she may or may not get back to me on whether she "picked" me, but even if she did, I don't think I could ever trust her again and I wouldn't take her back.

I'm sorry to hear this update, OP. I can't say I'm surprised, but I know it hurts. Understand this wasn't a relapse - her feelings for him have been there the whole time (since she first revealed this) but she wasn't sure yet how he felt. Now she has confirmation that he feels the same way.

Stay broken up. The right girl for you doesn't need to "pick" you, as she wouldn't be considering other options. You did the right thing ending it, as it was heading that way anyway. Now you know you can trust your gut when something doesn't feel right; that instinct will serve you well.

Smart man. Yeah she's too messed up with coworker guy to offer you the type of relationship you deserve and could easily find locally with plenty of fine not "confused" women.

I cut my losses and told her we should break up, what she was doing wasn't fair to me. I don't think I could ever trust her again and I wouldn't take her back.

Thanks you're right. Although one slight correction, she knew this guy liked her for the longest time, it's why she developed a crush on him in the first place. This was just him putting evrything out on the table at once.

And you're right, and I know everyone must say this, but I really thought she was different and I truly loved her. I'm scared I might not find someone like her again, dating has always been hard for me and I don't know if I'm ready to be single again. But you're right, I should know my worth and not wait for a girl to "pick" me.

Haha, I guess we'll see. My confidence is currently shot and Im wary to open my heart out again for someone. I'm going to try and be on my own for a while and slowly begin to heal in my own way.

Thanks you're right. Although one slight correction, she knew this guy liked her for the longest time, it's why she developed a crush on him in the first place. This was just him putting evrything out on the table at once.

 

And you're right, and I know everyone must say this, but I really thought she was different and I truly loved her. I'm scared I might not find someone like her again, dating has always been hard for me and I don't know if I'm ready to be single again. But you're right, I should know my worth and not wait for a girl to "pick" me.

Yes, I understood that. What I meant is that she developed an interest in him, told you about it, tried to work things out with you - but it's not as though her feelings for him disappeared between her first telling you she had a crush and now, despite what she says. Her feelings have been there for him for a while too, but when he laid it all out for her, she was "confused" enough to turn her head in his direction.

It's disappointing and hurtful, but you will find someone more mature and ready for a serious commitment, when you are healed and ready to get back out there.