Was this action abusive?

I need help to identify if this was a dangerous action from my boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. He is 28 and I am 27. My boyfriend is the sweet shy, type, but also playful and funny. He is usually very patient with me, and takes his time to listen, and has never threatened violence, or has ever abused me verbally, or pushed me to anything I dont want. However we do have our fights now and then. I am a really anxious girl and sometimes I take out my frustrations on him by just saying some mean things. And he is rather stubborn with his opinions and he really has a temper. Its all been relatively ok until today when Im not sure if this was a bad thing or not. We were arguing about something and I started to compare him to someone else and calling him stubborn. He was very upset and started comparing me with another person and calling out on my anxieties which he has never done. This got me very upset and so I got up and threw a sweater on his lap and just walked away. He walked towards me and very seriously looked at me and said “You do not throw things at me!” He placed the sweater next to me and again said “You do not throw things at me!” And I said “and you do not threaten me!” He stared at me for a bit and then tears filled his eyes and he said “Why did you do this?” And then I told him to go away.

Afterwards he came back to where I was and said sorry and we talked the problem out. We solved the issue but I was still concerned about the threat part. Will this become abuse one day?

Yes, you need to control your anger and your temper and do not get this nasty and throw things. He was right to tell you to stop throwing things. Get yourself to therapy and learn how to handle stress and anger as well as communicate like an adult.

Yes you are already abusive and it will become more physical unless you get help. Next time you have an angry fit you could pick up something more dangerous and throw it. You belong in therapy, not a relationship.

We were arguing about something and I started to compare him to someone else and calling him stubborn. I got up and threw a sweater on his lap and just walked away. He walked towards me and very seriously looked at me and said “You do not throw things at me!”

What part are you asking is abusive? Your interpretation of his telling you not to throw things at him as a threat or you throwing the sweater at him?

Oh I was asking mostly about his threat, if that could turn into something worse later on.

But I also know that the issue did start out with me.

What threat? Because he walked towards you and said do not throw things at me? Sorry, but that is reasonable. You started the fight and continued the fight by being abusive to him not the other way around .

But shouldn’t a man never threaten a woman that way? No matter what?

The sweater didnt even hit him, and he walked over and he didnt care that maybe someone else would hear him telling me “you do not throw things at me!”

Even when I looked away he wouldnt take his gaze off me and repeated the same thing.

Agree with the others. You were abusive to him by throwing something at him. He was trying to lay down a healthy boundary by telling you it was unacceptable. He wasn't threatening you--you were abusing him.

Just because someone calls you out on your abusive behavior doesn't make them abusive. You need someone to call you out on physically throwing objects at them while you're angry. Next time it might hit him and it might be more than a sweater. He did the responsible thing by not taking it.

The only action here which was abusive is YOURS. I don't see a single part where he threatened you. At all. Not sure how you interpret someone telling you not to throw things at them as being threatening. You need professional help, counselling/therapy to help you overcome your temper and anger management.

It doesn't work that way. Women get arrested equally for assault all the time. No one has to be a gentleman when you initiate craziness and attack him verbally and throw stuff.

He's right, you should not get physical and throw things. He's allowed to and should in fact defend himself against your out-of-control anger and temper.

Who cares if people hear him? It sounds like you are afraid if the neighbors/other people heard that because abusers like you prefer secrecy, compliance, silence and maintaining their false "sweet person" image.

But shouldn’t a man never threaten a woman that way? No matter what? he walked over and he didnt care that maybe someone else would hear him telling me “you do not throw things at me!”

He called you out on your abusive behaviour that is not a threat. That is him telling you not to abuse him . And it doesn’t matter that the sweater did not hit him. When you throw something it is an intent to intimidate and that is abuse. All he did was ask you not to abuse him . If you can’t handle conflict you need to go somewhere to learn conflict resolution skills .

In that case, does anyone have any advice for me in the meanwhile I go to therapy? Maybe like some anger coping skills? Is it possible for me to get over these abusive habits with the help of a therapist? Honestly, I really do not wish to keep acting out even bigger abusive behavior in the future...

I used to have a verbally abusive relationship before this one. And all the relationships I have been exposed in my life have been rather toxic. Now that I met someone with a healthy mind, I guess I didnt realize I had the oportunity for a healthy relationship even though it was right there in front of me. I kept using old defensive habits....which isnt very good.

Any advice is welcomed.

Yes absolutely. That is the place to sort out how and why you get so angry and how to better cope with stress and frustration.

Is it possible for me to get over these abusive habits with the help of a therapist?

Promise yourself you will not speak or act when you start to feel angry, cornered or pressured. Walk away until you have started to regain control of yourself.

Yes, therapist can teach you healthy resolution skills .

In that case, does anyone have any advice for me in the meanwhile I go to therapy? Maybe like some anger coping skills? Is it possible for me to get over these abusive habits with the help of a therapist? Honestly, I really do not wish to keep acting out even bigger abusive behavior in the future...

 

I used to have a verbally abusive relationship before this one. And all the relationships I have been exposed in my life have been rather toxic. Now that I met someone with a healthy mind, I guess I didnt realize I had the oportunity for a healthy relationship even though it was right there in front of me. I kept using old defensive habits....which isnt very good.

 

Any advice is welcomed.

I think it's great that you have taken this feedback and acknowledged that the wrong doing is on your part, and identified the reasons for this. That's a great start. Keep in mind that you throwing a jumper at him was not an isolated incident. What proceeded this was you comparing him to someone else (I am going to assume another man) which is really quite emotionally abusive in itself. Throwing the jumper was the last straw for him and he did the right thing to categorically stress his boundaries to you.

Whilst you seek therapy, try and put some of your own techniques in place. For example, if something upsets you or makes you angry, wait for a few hours before (if possible) you address it so that your mind has returned to its rational state. Then a sensible discussion is more likely to ensue. Also, if you are arguing, take little breaks. If you feel like you are moving towards a state of mind where you are likely to speak out of turn or launch something at him, tell him you are going to take ten minutes of air as you really want to resolve this but you just need to calm down as you don't want to say or do something that you will regret, ie hurt him emotionally or physically.

There are many self help websites and books available whilst you wait for therapy to help you take control in the meantime. Remember, you own your anger, not the other way round. Good luck.

Ps if you haven't already, reassure your boyfriend that he does not compare to anyone else, that will festser in him if you don't

I agree with the others; he was not the abusive one here - you were, starting with emotional abuse and then escalating it to the point where it nearly tipped over into physical abuse.

As to where you go from here... when you're feeling anxious and off-balance, learn to self-soothe rather than taking it out on him or anyone else. Become familiar with what your triggers are, and if you can feel your anger rising then say you need a bit of time out, and practise relaxation techniques instead. Above all, don't beat yourself up over this because then you'll become a victim of yourself - which won't do your relationship any good either. Instead, trace your pain and frustration to its source within you; that's where the real potential for growth lies.

Also reflect on your own behaviour. Whenever we tell someone they're being insensitive/selfish/uncaring/insert derogatory adjective of your choice here, we're actually saying "You're not doing what I want you to do", but in a manipulative way. You telling your boyfriend he's being stubborn, or stubborn in his opinions, is saying that he's not allowed to think differently to you - and trying to control how other people think is another form of abuse in itself.

He didn't threaten you. He set an appropriate boundary. If you don't want him saying things like that to you, then don't do them again.

You may also find this link useful: https://pivotaleducation.com/hidden-trainer-area/training-online-resources/assertiveness-a-bill-of-rights/

Above all, though, well done for taking responsibility for your own actions. The fact that you are able to do this will make the road ahead very, very much easier!

Good luck!

Depends how he approached you. Did he come over in a way that seemed like he was about to hit you?

If not then no it's not abusive at all.