Together for 10 years, and yet to have sex...

Hi there,

My partner and I have been together for ten years now, and are yet to have sex. We are both committed to each other, and love each other very much.

This issue has been very hard to deal with for a long time now. My self confidence is always shot, and paranoia always takes over, but we have both been faithful to each other this whole time.

I don't want to sound like that is all I want from this relationship, because if that were true, I would have moved on a long time ago, but it is a step I want for the both of us. But she has no interest. When we are intement, (which is very rare, maybe once every two months or so) she gets scared when we try.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell her it's a healthy part of a relationship without feeling like I'm trying to pressure her, because I am not.

Any help would be greatly appreciated

Are you both women or are you a man and she is a woman?

If you are a man, is she waiting for marriage and you have not popped the question? Has she been to therapy about her self esteem?

If you are both women, is she not sure she is lesbian? She enjoys your companionship as a close friendship but is not really sure/is disgusted with herself about it?

Also, do you think she is asexual? I would think that if she was, she wouldn't be scared - she would not engage at all or she would have intimacy with you because it was something important to you, maybe.

you have to decide if she makes you happy enough without sex to want to spend the rest of her life with her

Answers to the above will definitely help us advise you.

I have to ask though; has she been abused in the past? I know this is a more extreme suggestion, but it's entirely possible and that may be why she is reluctant to be intimate.

also

1) how old are you two? if you have been "together" for 10 years and you are counting when you first had a crush on her at 8 years old - she could just not be at a point in her life where she is ready for it.

2) does she fear getting pregnant? Have you ever discussed such things rather than just going in for the kill and she gets scared to continue -- do you openly talk about sex? Or do you just randomly decide to try to seduce her?

Has she ever been sexually abused? It sounds like it could be along those lines. If so, she should seek therapy as soon as she can to help deal with her underlying trauma/ intimacy issues.

It might be a very difficult thing for her to admit to, or perhaps she doesn't even quite remember. But something is definitely stopping her and usually fear to this degree would spell out past sexual abuse.

Yes, we need more information. How old is she? Any past abuse?

What exactly is she afraid of? Something emotional or the physical pain of being penetrated itself? If it's the latter, some women have very thick hymens that are difficult to get through and can be surgically incised in order to allow for easier penetration. Graduated dilators exist that can help a woman get used to the idea of penetration, too, before introducing a penis.

I would start by asking her what exactly she's scared of. Knowing whether it's a physical issue or if there's a history of trauma will help inform you of what steps she can take next (seeing a gynecologist vs. a psychologist, etc.).

Wow. I didn't expect so many responses!

I am male, she, female. I'm 27, she 26. We got together at the end of high school. We have both discussed marriage many times, and we plan to get married. We both want to wait for marriage until after we buy our second house. (next 12 months)

She hasn't been abused in the past.

At first (first few years) we were quite active, but never taking that last step. Which was fine. I never pushed the matter. But the past few years, our activity has gotten less and less.

She does say it is painful. We got a dilator/training kit, about 6 months ago, and she hasn't been interested in trying it yet.

She tells me she wants to take that step, but stress and anxiety always stop her from wanting to.

Hi Sgoin on,

I think the most important step that you and she can take is seek therapy, either relationship counselling or for her with a psychologist who is experienced in relationships / sex.

Sex is a very healthy part of a relationship and will help you to build the bond between you. I think a skilled therapist will help her to work her way through her challenges in this regard.

I am a bit scared of sex myself and I feel like I will be able to overcome this fear with the right therapist.

Cheers,

Chai :-)

You do realize that people can't answer questions if people don't have enough information or the wrong information.

You should read this thread:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552554&highlight=vaginismus

There is also something similar called vulvodynia. You can Google each term and perhaps you need to talk to a sex therapist to discuss this issue together. You should explore all options before resigning yourself to a sexless marriage.

I would NOT buy that second house together. I would sell the house, split the proceeds and rent. Do not further commit to this woman. If you decide to marry and the wedding date is imminent, then buy a house then --- but do not marry this woman if you can never consummate the marriage - unless you are okay with a sexless marriage. Are you really? I bet that eventually it will be tiresome -- and you might want to be a father.

She's a virgin? Are you both waiting for marriage? Is she brought up to think that way? Has she been seen by a doctor? A good gynecologist and therapist would be a lot more helpful than getting her training kits.

I am male, she, female. I'm 27, she 26. She does say it is painful.