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Thread: I hate being that guy

  1. #1

    I hate being that guy

    I'm as pathetic as they come... I'm 35 have never had a gf, have never kissed a woman, have only had 3 dates in my life, I had some opportunities in the past that I ruined but I haven't had any real opportunities in over 6 years... I've been seriously depressed for over 11 years.... I live in a third world country which makes things harder as online dating is not popular here and people are expected to be married at this age and I have no way to meet women... loneliness has become especially hard to cope with now that all my friends are married and busy with their own lives...

    The thing is that I started a new job and recently have developed a HUGE crush on a coworker... she's both the most beautiful and most intelligent woman I've ever met, she's also very kind and dedicated to her job and she just makes me feel like a teenager in a way I've not felt in years... I don't know if she's single, I don' t know if she likes guys, I don't know what her life is like outside of work and what her hobbies are but I would die to find out...

    while all this time depression and wishing I had not been born and thoughts about ending my life consumed 90% of my days, now they only consume 45% with the other 45% going to fantasizing about her and daydreaming about being with her... every time I get to have decent length conversation with her it makes me feel an amazing high, the only moments of true happiness I've had in the last 6 years, unfortunately the happiness is short lasting and when I go back to reality I become even more depressed and crave that high I get from talking to her....

    I know it's wrong that she's just a nice girl going to do her job and she doesn't deserve having to deal with some loser becoming obsessed with her... I often make excuses to go talk to her and make it seem work related, and if she passes by I can't help my eyes going straight to her dirction...

    I know it's a slim chance but I actually worry that I'll be hacked and she'll somehow find out how I feel and how I talk about her all the time on chatrooms and support forums on the internet.... ... I hate myself for being that guy... especially as my twitter feed is full of post of women complaning about being hit on at work... I feel like jumping in front of a bus when I realize I'm one of those guys; but as much as I I don't wanna feel like this but I can't help it....

    I know I have 0 chance with her, I even strongly suspect she may be onto girls... yet I can't help to just want to tell her how I feel.... just to get it out of my chest, just to see if rejection forces me to face reality and stops me from being consumed by this... I spend a good chunk of it me reading those articles on the internet about signs someone like you and stuff like that, hoping there may be signs she like me but, no, of course all signs post to she not liking me.... yet I still can't keep myself from feeling hope...

    I don't know what to do.... I want to stop feeling for her, I want to stop wanting women altogether but can't help it... I feel so guilty about feeling this way...... I am the type of guy who should know better, I know better, I know guys like me never land women like her outside of movies, I know miracles don't happen, I know saying something would only result on unnecessarily troubling her and making her feel uncomfortable and maybe even getting me in trouble and yet.... I can't help it to sometimes feel like that there may be a chance, that maybe she does like me... I know it's delusion and wishful thinking but.. can't help it....

    I feel super guilty and pathetic about my feelings.... and don't know why I'm writing this or what kind of answer I'm hoping for is just... I wish I had not been born... I'll never stop wanting dreamgirls like her yet I'm never gonna be good enough for one to be interested on me.... I feel I'm getting to old to even hope for romance anymore... yet....

  2. #2
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    I wonder if maybe this woman is here in your life to teach you something about yourself. I mean, her presence has broken you out of the constancy of your depression, even if only for short-lived moments. That's still something. It's a reminder that there are things that can feel good in this world. Maybe something small to grab on to...but I think there's some room for gratitude in the mix there.

    Depression is ruthless...and half the battle is the fact that the cycle of feelings is a downward spiral. What if you could use your moments of feeling better to motivate you into some self-exploration. An opportunity to challenge some of the thoughts you have about yourself. Feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of worthlessness. Feelings of unloveable-ness.

    Feelings don't make you a bad person. They're just feelings.

    I think it's difficult to form intimate relationships with others when depressed. Is there anything you've done to be proactive with depression?

    There are a lot of assumptions in your post. Assumptions about yourself, and how others see you. Assumptions about this co-worker of yours. Assumptions about what your surrounding world expects of you. There could be an opportunity to challenge some of these assumptions, because they're somewhat crippling. They don't allow any space for human growth, because they stifle it before it has a chance.

    Can't say I have any answers. I do think it's worthwhile to try and look at what the circumstances of your current life situation may be able to teach you. All of this difficulty you have experienced may have some hidden benefit. Would you be willing to consider that possibility?

  3. #3
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    Look, just ask her out and stop obsessing about her. If she says no then your obsessing will stop and you'll feel better. If she says yes, then you can plan for a nice date where the two of you can talk about yourselves and see how that goes, 90_hour_sleep is correct that it is difficult to form relationships when you're depressed. You will scare away people. And at other times, you will push people away. So you need to work on your depression by exercising, getting outside, walking around, going to events, going shopping and hanging out with friends and family. If you have a busy life, you won't have time to be depressed and you will make more friends.

  4. #4
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    First of all you are not one of those guys. I have worked with those types of guys and women can see them coming a mile away. You are clearly a shy guy, nothing wrong with that, and women actually tend to find shy guys very comforting. I was also a late bloomer when it came to sex. I spent so many years worrying and nervous. When I finally did lose my virginity it was so anticlimactic, no pun intended. Sex is meaningless if there is no emotional connection. In the end how many girlfriends you've had is irrelevant once you meet someone you love and who loves you. Your only road block is your own obsession. Try to find your passion and women will see that and respond. I promise.

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  6. #5
    The question is, is it o.k to ask her out and risk making her uncomfortable and ruining her work experience just to get it out of my chest and just cuz I need rejection to be acually spelled out to give up on the fantasies?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by crushingguy
    The question is, is it o.k to ask her out and risk making her uncomfortable and ruining her work experience just to get it out of my chest and just cuz I need rejection to be acually spelled out to give up on the fantasies?
    Totally depends on how you ask her out. Just causally ask her if she would like to have lunch with you. Don't be nervous and don't be cocky. Ultimately you cannot control how someone will react. But a lifetime of regret is much worse than one uncomfortable moment.
    Good luck

  8. #7
    I don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to ask her out and make her feel uncomfortable (i worry already whether I've made her feel uncomfortable) but I can't keep the hopeful and wishful thinking at bay, like I keep fantasizing that maybe the reason she doesn't look at me or at weird when I try to say hi to her is cuz she's shy... rationally I know it means she's not interested but I can't help hoping; or I try to get upbeat about little things like a smiley on a work email or she playing with her hair while we talk..... I feel so patehtic, again I hate being that guy but don't know how to force myself to be different

  9. 11-18-2018, 06:58 PM


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