7 years, no ring, help

Hello,

Want to make this as short as possible and would love your input: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years (since we were both 20). A few months ago we decided to buy a place but the banks weren’t in our favors, so his mom decided to lend us the money by selling half her house to the bank. He is now telling me if the title can be only under his name since the money is coming from his mom—that how is it comfortable for his mom to “gift me” $90,000 ($180K total of the place), that if anything happens, he wants to be fully responsible as sole titler because it’s his moms money. His plan is to refinance the place in about a year and then put it under both our names. I’m not fully comfortable with that because I’ve saved hard for the money we were going to put towards this house. Anyway, I told him the title could be under his name, if he proposes to me already. This is a topic he’s extremely dismissive about because he thinks marriage is dumb, for a lack of words , that’s he’s never really seen a good marriage, blah blah. To me, marriage is super important and it’s something I’ve been talking about for a while because it’s freaking 7 years already!!!! He says he’ll propose after living with me for about a year...that will put us at 8 years of a relationship...and I’m so over behind his “gf” when we’re buying a damn place together! I gave him an ultimatum, either my name on the title as well OR he buys me an engagement ring and we get compromised already but I’m kinda tired of things being on his terms (I also wanted kids sooner than he does...he wants to wait till after 30 and I want one before). What should I do if he doesn’t propose or put my name on the title? Am I being unreasonable for wanting a commitment from him after such a long time??? I understand marriage is not for everyone, but why has he said he wants to marry me but hasn’t proposed yet? He already has his degree, good profession, good pay...there’s no more excuses...he makes me feel like he’s unsure if I’m the one and that breaks me. I love him so deeply but idk how much longer I can go without losing it that he “wants to marry me” but refuses to get engaged. It’s slowly killing me inside! Help

If his mother is lending $90k, there's no reason for him to be risking the house his mother provided by making it a joint asset. Get your mother to match the $90k and you can start talking.

If he wants the house in his name, just don't put in a down payment. If you're going to live there, draw up a lease and pay your half of whatever is less between the monthly mortgage or what market rate rent would be. Simple as that.

You want us to take you seriously about engagement yet you're perfectly willing to look past it if you can get your name on a house title. Okay.

You should have left several years ago. Trying to lock someone down for a commitment they don't want is nuts and pointless. Whether it's he doesn't believe in marriage, or that he doesn't want marriage with u is besides the point... You shouldn't ever force someone's hand. It should be that simple where a guy proposes because he wants to and because he wants marriage. 7 years is too long to be dragging his feet. Some ppl want more time but this guy already told u what he thinks...You staying around is on you.

If he's always felt this way about marriage, you should have walked away long ago. He hasn't proposed because he thinks marriage is "dumb." I wouldn't be betting on an engagement after a year of living together, either. Yeah, he says he wants to marry you - but his attitude toward marriage in general and his dismissive attitude tell you where his heart is really at.

No, you're not crazy to want a greater commitment after 7 years. But you're looking for it from the wrong guy.

]If he's always felt this way about marriage' date=' you should have walked away long ago. He hasn't proposed because he thinks marriage is "dumb." I wouldn't be betting on an engagement after a year of living together, either.[/b'] Yeah, he says he wants to marry you - but his attitude toward marriage in general and his dismissive attitude tell you where his heart is really at.

 

No, you're not crazy to want a greater commitment after 7 years. But you're looking for it from the wrong guy.

If you move in together, he for sure will not marry you. He will have all the advantages of a married life w/out actually having to marry you.

^^^You beat me to it!^^^ Sorry OP, he's dropped enough hints about not wanting to get engaged, made some loose suggestion about proposing in a year which suggests that even if he's serious he is still wanting to test the waters of your relationship for another year which suggests that he still doesn't feel 100% committed, even after all this time. I think the likeliness of him proposing in a year is on the same level as the likeliness that should he relent and put your name on the deeds, you'll drop the marriage issue...You are both making false promises to each other because you both want different things but neither of you want to admit it.

You should never have to push a man to propose to you. He either has it in his heart to do so or he doesn't.

I know your bf said he thinks marriage is dumb and so on, but I wonder if he's just become complacent and doesn't feel the need to do much of anything to keep you.

I also wonder if he truly does think that about marriage or perhaps you two are just not compatible or in love as you once were..after all..7 years with no thoughts of putting any ring on your finger is quite shocking.

Personally, I would wonder about the whole situation. He wants to get a house with you but is making sure that you're not locked into it together. And he is not proposing.

From what it seems, he is telling you he is serious but his actions are proving otherwise.

It doesn't look like he's in it for the long haul with his choices. It looks like he's making sure he has a way out should he change his mind.

You can't force someone into a life long commitment. I think you either have to accept how he is, or tell him it's not enough and move on.

Don't get a place together! Do not get a place together! It should be both your names, both your equity. And do not get a place together unless you both have a wedding date picked out and planning the wedding. A ring-on-it can mean endless engagement. I don't care how great the place is. Anyone who tells you marriage is dumb, and puts a condition of some made up timelime on when he will propose or have kids really is buying time, and will not be ready when that deadline passes. You've dated for SEVEN years. Does he think you'll magically become a super model or a geenie or turn into a monster and then can't propose? And then what if he doesn't propose...you're out a downpayment, equity, a home, and dignity. Forget him!

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately this has been going on a long long time. He not only doesn't want to live together or get engaged, he definitely does not want to marry. It sounds like he's been very clear on that all along in action and words. As far as a house financed by his family, the title should stay in his name. If you want those things in life, he's not your guy.

12-29-2016:

I had a bf of 6 years, we broke up in december 2015 because i found him on a dating site while we were together.

i want more seriousness than he does, like to live together or get engaged, after all it is going to be 7 years of a relationship, but he wants that later on in life and i'm already in my mid 20s and tired of only seeing him like only 3-4 times a week.

I'd ask myself, "If this is the most that BF will offer me--no less, but no more--do I stay or go?" If the answer is stay, then here you are. If the answer is go, the next question becomes, "When?"

his is a topic he’s extremely dismissive about because he thinks marriage is dumb, for a lack of words , that’s he’s never really seen a good marriage, blah blah.

Then you need to find a man who values marriage and WANTS to get married. TRUST ME - i was with a man who did not believe marriages worked and guess what? We got married - then divorced. He married me when he hit a certain age -- thinking he didn't want to die alone when he was old. Romantic, huh? The marriage worked for about 10 months and went downhill from there and for the next couple years he did everything from call old exes, try to talk me into a threesome (nope! not in a million years would i do that) to paint me as unfaithful, blaming me as the reason he didn't want to see his family (so they would dislike me and it caused a rift) and on and on and on.

I think its reasonable that if mommy pays for the house - the house belongs to him. And why would you want to be with a man who did not work hard to put money away for a home -- or was better yet, realistic - started off with a condo or small fixer upper that he could improve and sell to get what he really wanted vs someone who needs 90K of mommy's money?

Even if he started out in a small postage stamp of a place.

I think you are ring crazy --- you don't care if its a good relationship or not. you want some bling -- and everyone else is right - he will never marry you if you move in.

Why not take the money you saved for a downpayment and buy a condo, or a small cute house that's the worst house in a great neighborhood and fix it up --- you can buy it for yourself and meet someone else

I would not buy a house with a man:

1) With whom you have never lived before

2) To whom you are not married or engaged

3) Who will not put you on the deed despite you contributing 50% of the money

Buying a house before you've lived together is a potential disaster waiting to happen.

Buying a house with a man who does not want to get married when you DO want to get married, is a bad decision.

Buying a house with a man who will be the only one who actually owns it on paper is financial suicide.

This is a case of him continually moving to goal posts. All these conditions regarding committing to a mortgage and pretty much trying to manipulate each other into your own agendas = that are anywhere near close to each other. This is not what the foundation of a healthy relationship starts with, let along a marriage.

You want nothing less than a man who's crazy about you and wants the same thing you do. Period.

Anything less is a waste of your valuable time.

7 years to be exact.

The person holding the money typically has the power. Don't put anything in writing that you aren't 100% comfortable with.

Follow your gut on this one.

It's crucially important that marriage is something that people can agree on if the relationship is going to be fulfilling. When I say this, it could be between two people who see no need for marriage itself but trust each other's emotional commitment, or two people who both see it as a goal to be reached for - the issue is that they need to be on the same page.

What you are describing in your relationship is a fundamental incompatibility and it's very unlikely that you're going to get past it. You have a choice; after all this time, you can be pretty realistic about what your guy has to offer (look at what he does, rather than his empty promises) - and if you go along with it then you're likely to feel permanently discontented.

You are the only person who knows whether the relationship overall is worth it.

It's crucially important that marriage is something that people can agree on if the relationship is going to be fulfilling. When I say this, it could be between two people who see no need for marriage itself but trust each other's emotional commitment, or two people who both see it as a goal to be reached for - the issue is that they need to be on the same page..

And it has to be two people that already WANT to get married as a life goal and its just a matter of meeting the right person and getting to know them for a period of time -- you can't take someone who opposes marriage and thinks it doesn't work and try to cajol them into agreeing. Find a guy who does want marriage and babies down the line (meaning when they meet the right person, they have dated for an appropriate time to get to know eachother and make sure its a match).