Too suicidal to live, but too scared to commit suicide

My earliest memory of suicide was when I was 10. I tried to hang myself with a bath towel. I didn't grow up in a loving household, however it wasn't an abusive one either. We rarely had family dinners and no one seemed to ever care what was going on with each other. It was a very lonely childhood. I never misbehaved or got into trouble so I was left alone. Like a living ghost in my home. I remember having a teddybear who I fantasized would give me fatherly advice. Sad emotions were a taboo in my family, and very much still are 23 years later.

I seem to have a really hard time making friends, I can make tons of causal friends but rarely deep friendships. And I always seem to ruin those when my depression spikes. As of today everyday is a tedious existence. I have a blood clotting disorder. Last year I was laid off and lost my insurance. It's been very difficult finding work. I have a college degree and I had 8 years at my last job as a manager. Because I lost insurance I couldn't afford my blood thinners or anti depressants.

A month ago I finally found a job. It was a good job at a mom and pop shop. Two weeks in and my health issues finally caught up with me. I had another massive DVT in my leg that put me in the hospital for over a week. My work called and said they can't wait for me to recover. I was let go. When my family visited me the first things they said was how stupid I was for letting myself get in this situation.

The first and only girl I ever got close to was 8 years ago and she cheated on me with a coworker. Ever since then I am scared to date or let myself fall for anyone. My best friend has since been distancing herself from me. She doesn't return calls or texts. I have no idea why but it's been a theme in my life since High school.

I have been pretty much stuck at home for the last two weeks as walking and being upright causes blood to pool in my leg and it hurts too much. On top of all that while I was in the hospital they found a tumor in my kidney. I have to go in for a biopsy to find out if it's cancer. That doesn't affect me however. Secretly I hope it is cancer, but renal cancer is easily treated. I have been wanting and planning to commit suicide for the last six months. I have tried overdosing on everything from painkillers, blood thinners, I even heard eating cigarettes would do it, I tried and it didn't work. I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills and all that did was make me sleep 20 hours straight. I know that a gin is the way to go, and I have one. But it scares me because I know it will work.

So now I'm existing in a 24 hour anxiety attack too depressed to do anything helpful but to scared to end it. I'm living in my own personal purgatory.

Well thanks for reading this.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Something I forgot to mention in my first post. The one thing my dad taught me is that needing help is a weakness. That's something I cannot shake. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I cannot solve my own problems. That is probably the biggest contributing factor to my depression, it's why suicide seems like the best way forward.

Sounds like you are questioning your dad's wisdom and struggling with it at the same time.

Something I forgot to mention in my first post. The one thing my dad taught me is that needing help is a weakness. That's something I cannot shake. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I cannot solve my own problems. That is probably the biggest contributing factor to my depression, it's why suicide seems like the best way forward.

Needing help is NEVER weak. Ever. I am sorry you were taught that.

Are you able to get access to a mental health professional? (You may need to try more than one to find the right one for you). There's a lot of stuff to unpack there but it's doable. (If no, try unsent letters - guide on the baggage reclaim site, and or adding woebot to your messenger).

Wishing you kindness

Are you able to get access to a mental health professional? (You may need to try more than one to find the right one for you). There's a lot of stuff to unpack there but it's doable. (If no, try unsent letters - guide on the baggage reclaim site, and or adding woebot to your messenger).

 

Wishing you kindness

It is a lot to unpack, it's so much I don't even know where to begin. Of course that in itself makes me feel like I'm damaged beyond repair. I had been seeing a therapist for the last 5 years but since losing my insurance and having to get Medicaid, which she does not take, she told me she'd be willing to see me one last time until I can get regular insurance. And best case senerio I won't get regular insurance for at least 4 to 5 months.

Thanks for the kind words.

Needing help is NEVER weak. Ever. I am sorry you were taught that.

My intellectual mind agrees 100% but my emotional mind is still in major conflict.

So sorry for your pain*

I understand why people consider suicide. The pain just gets exhausting and they need the rest. I've been staring over the precipice for a few months now and going by the title of your thread, one thing that has held me back is yes that fear of the unknown. I mean what if I DO come out on that other side and I'm still carrying this pain? Will I then be stuck with it for an eternity....??

This is a good video that has also helped me...>> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXi7vcnvl5c&index=97&list=PLhrUHcd3lDFKh4ync6XcCxFE9JhJ3QcYQ&t=0s

Douglas Bloch and BigNoKnow also have good channels on YouTube.....

Sending You Strength*

Carus*

So sorry for your pain*

 

 

I understand why people consider suicide. The pain just gets exhausting and they need the rest. I've been staring over the precipice for a few months now and going by the title of your thread, one thing that has held me back is yes that fear of the unknown. I mean what if I DO come out on that other side and I'm still carrying this pain? Will I then be stuck with it for an eternity....??

 

This is a good video that has also helped me...>> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXi7vcnvl5c&index=97&list=PLhrUHcd3lDFKh4ync6XcCxFE9JhJ3QcYQ&t=0s

 

Douglas Bloch and BigNoKnow also have good channels on YouTube.....

 

Sending You Strength*

 

Carus*

I wasn't raised religious so the afterlife really is more of a hopeful idea rather than a belief. What scares me is that in killing myself is that it could be a huge mistake, however living 70+ years of depression also seems like a huge mistake.

Your family is a piece of work. Have you ever thought of cutting contact with them completely?

Your family is a piece of work. Have you ever thought of cutting contact with them completely?

My entire life! But like I said it's not a abusive household, just an emotionally absent household. It's like it's right on the line of being unforgivable and being forgivable. Unfortunately it's all I've ever known, I don't know maybe it's like Stockholm syndrome.

Sorry to hear this. I wish someday you wake up without feeling this pain anymore. I dont know what to say but i wish i could help you. I've lost my husband almost 3 years now and it's hard to live everyday. Please get some help. Dont be embarrassed i am sure your family loves you so much. You only live once. We can do this, fight for it. And never give up. :(