I ratted on my friend

My friend and I have known each other through uni for a year and a few months ago her partner left her.

She has depression and anxiety and became suicidal after he left. I literally walked her into a medical centre and got her signed up with a psychologist... printed out documents for her to fill in to get extra support at uni... helped her collect furniture to get her apartment ready for a housemate. She stopped seeing the psychologist and hasn't started looking for a housemate, making her ex pay rent until she gets a tenant (he's been gone 3.5 mths already).

I've had to put some distance between her and I recently because she is having huge problems accepting the breakup. She uses me as her therapist and i'll guide her to blog posts or resources or youtube videos about managing anxiety symptoms, but I told her I can't be her psychologist because it's really draining for me and she needs to go see one...yet she won't. She's backed off a bit but whenever she has a meltdown she blows up my inbox or calls me to offload her problems

Then afterwards she spends all her time scheming ways to get her ex back. She still sleeps with him and stopped taking the pill because she wants to get pregnant, manipulates him and his friends, and last weekend she physically attacked him multiple times.

This morning, for some reason, I contacted her exes best friend. He called me and I admitted that my friend has been suicidal and won't see a therapist, has been trying to get pregnant, and how she told me she would be prepared to attack her ex again. The guy was really good in dealing with it and talking to the ex

Now my friend has enrolled in one of my classes this semester. The guilt is eating away at me for what I did and I don't know if I can be her friend anymore, even though I don't think she has many others. I really hate drama but I felt like I had to do something to prevent her from hurting herself or someone else

How should I handle this situation moving forward? I wanted to tell someone at uni that she's suicidal but the thing is she lies to doctors and therapists about it because she's in denial that she needs help

I think you crossed boundaries you had no right to cross.

It's one thing to advise her to go see a psychologist and to help her get on medications but what she does in her personal life concerning her ex, is NOT your business.

You don't get to control her life situations or become involved by phoning up the exe's best friend.

That was a massive betrayal.

You're meant to be HER friend and keep her confidence on the things she tells you.

It's one thing to call a hospital if she is making plans to suicide...it's a whole other story to phone the exe's best friend.

You had no right.

Well, if you know for certain she's really going to kill herself, such as she's hoarding pills, or collecting knives and that sort of thing, you should report her to the school or call an ambulance. But most people use threats of suicide to get attention and to try to control and manipulate other people. I think you need to back away from her and not get caught up in her drama. If you see her in class, just say hi and think of reasons why you can't meet up with her after class. There's nothing to feel guilty about. I think you've done all the right things and the rest is up to her to seek help. So stay away, especially for your own mental health.

That's how I felt during and afterwards - that I'd never do this to a friend. Hence my insane guilt.

But I think this is about two different moral situations...

One is the morals of friendship. But the other is the morals involved in knowing that someone is a danger to themselves and someone else, and they won't get help for it. What would you do in that situation? Nothing?

Danger to whom?

The ex is allowing himself into the situation too. He is sleeping with her too.

They are consenting adults who are allowed to make their own choices. YOU do not have the right to stir the pot and go running and telling the ex or the ex's best friend anything.

When you pull that, you no longer look like the helpful caring friend but rather the gossiping trouble maker.

Well, if you know for certain she's really going to kill herself, such as she's hoarding pills, or collecting knives and that sort of thing, you should report her to the school or call an ambulance. But most people use threats of suicide to get attention and to try to control and manipulate other people. I think you need to back away from her and not get caught up in her drama. If you see her in class, just say hi and think of reasons why you can't meet up with her after class. There's nothing to feel guilty about. I think you've done all the right things and the rest is up to her to seek help. So stay away, especially for your own mental health.

She told me about 6-8 weeks ago that she had thoughts of jumping off the roof of her apartment building. I don't know much else because in the last month she's become increasingly withdrawn, secretive and deceptive which is something her exes friend and I established today. I know that's sometimes a warning sign but there's nothing I can really do

Danger to whom?

 

The ex is allowing himself into the situation too. He is sleeping with her too.

They are consenting adults who are allowed to make their own choices. YOU do not have the right to stir the pot and go running and telling the ex or the ex's best friend anything.

 

When you pull that, you no longer look like the helpful caring friend but rather the gossiping trouble maker.

I didn't tell when I first found out she's trying to get pregnant. It was after she told me that she attacked her ex, then apologised and smoothed the situation over, but was trying to see him again and felt like he deserved to be attacked

Calling a hospital or even the police in order to get her help for possible suicide is well within your rights to do.

But phoning the ex or ex's best friend is not.

It would be different if she was planning on killing someone but whatever they decide to do, they decide to do as adults. You don't get to control things nor should you.

He is a grown man. He can make his choices. If she already attacked him, he knows what she is like and he is deciding on his own to still go see her.

He is also choosing to sleep with her without protection and knows the consequences.

These are not children and you don't need to be "telling" on people.

He is a grown man. He can make his choices. If she already attacked him, he knows what she is like and he is deciding on his own to still go see her.

 

He is also choosing to sleep with her without protection and knows the consequences.

 

These are not children and you don't need to be "telling" on people.

I agree with you in terms of morals.

What I don't agree with is the assumption that she/he are capable of acting as rational human beings ... that's clearly not true, even if we wish it were

Are you telling me that if your friend was involved in a domestic violence situation, you wouldn't tell anyone that could intervene?

I am saying that as two grown adults, it is up the them to make their choices and mistakes.

You're not her mother nor her savior.

This man has been attacked by her multiple times as you said, and he still decides to be see her. That's his choice.

He also knows that not using protection could cause pregnancy and he also knows that getting into bed with her probably isn't the best thing to be doing, but again..that's his choice.

Situations might sound bad but your job as her friend is to advise, not control the situations.

I will say it once again, if she is suicidal, it is well within your rights to ring a hospital, or police. If she is going to possibly kill someone..it's your right to call the police.

But you've better be 110% sure.

But in what you described, it's two consenting adults who are making bad choices...and that's NOT for you to be controlling or getting involved in at all.

I'm sorry that I can't agree with you on that point.

I feel like if the genders were reversed, your response would be completely different.

If it were the case that I am the male friend of a violent guy who is not using protection when sleeping with his ex girlfriend because he's trying to get her pregnant, and has been violent towards her but then follows the standard pattern of apologising and luring that person back in, you'd say - yes it's ok to get involved and alert this woman's friend (who doesn't know about the violence because the woman is keeping it a secret). Especially if you've tried to get the guy help and he still insists on his right to be violent and deceptive towards her...most people would feel angry and concerned about it

Either way, what's done is done. The question now is how to handle the situation moving forward.

Disagree all you want.

You backstabbed your friend.

I think ShrrySher has a point, but I can understand why you did it. I have been in similar situation with a friend who used to drink to excess and had to have a kind of intervention with friends, which meant discussing the problem to help. Which is what you were doing, but now it seems you need to back off and let these people do what they are doing without interfering.

I think if I were you, I would back away from the situation, you are getting too invested and it appears 'nosey' to me, maybe good intentions, but its not your problem to solve.

Some people have to learn their lessons the hard way, you've voiced your concerns, leave it at that and keep out the drama?

If she comes to you with suicide again, phone the university/hospital and let them know... but apart from that, I would back away from this. It seems very toxic.

I think ShrrySher has a point, but I can understand why you did it. I have been in similar situation with a friend who used to drink to excess and had to have a kind of intervention with friends, which meant discussing the problem to help. Which is what you were doing, but now it seems you need to back off and let these people do what they are doing without interfering.

 

I think if I were you, I would back away from the situation, you are getting too invested and it appears 'nosey' to me, maybe good intentions, but its not your problem to solve.

 

Some people have to learn their lessons the hard way, you've voiced your concerns, leave it at that and keep out the drama?

 

If she comes to you with suicide again, phone the university/hospital and let them know... but apart from that, I would back away from this. It seems very toxic.

I didn't say she didn't have a point, for the record, what I said is that I don't think it's as cut and dry as she makes it out to be. Also - if I didn't want to be this friend's person anymore, would I still be considered to be backstabbing her? Because in all honesty it goes against my values to be friends with someone who does those things.

What I said specifically to the exes friend was that I was concerned and felt that they could both use some space... he said he was concerned too and kept me on the phone for 30 minutes until i admitted to him why I felt that way and told him all that gritty stuff.

It's possible this girl uses suicide and self harm talk to keep people around

I've tried to extricate myself from this situation and I'm finding it hard because of the threat that it would make her mental health worse to walk away completely. She has lied to doctors & the therapist about how she's doing, and hasn't told her family a thing. I'm one of very few people who even know he left

But I have backed away from the situation. The only thing I can do further is to stop responding to her messages/phone calls (I don't message her anymore and have only been hanging out with other friends). But she enrolled in my uni course (she didn't have to or want to initially). Am I supposed to ghost her?

Maybe not ghost, but keep a distance...

Unfortunately, some people have difficult life lessons to learn and can only do this alone...

I think you have done the best you can do, TBH I would (and have) done the same in a given situation...

Be polite and friendly yes, but I think (as you have) keeping at arms length is a good option, is your uni class going to be big?

I've had to go through distancing a friend recently and its not nice, but sometimes you gotta do this stuff for your own peace of mind. She needs professional help, sometimes being someones emotional crutch can be counterproductive and stop them from getting the help they need.

Also.. this guy suggested getting her committed to a psych ward based on her history. But yeah, I don't want to get any more involved and I've left it with him

Maybe not ghost, but keep a distance...

 

Unfortunately, some people have difficult life lessons to learn and can only do this alone...

 

I think you have done the best you can do, TBH I would (and have) done the same in a given situation...

 

Be polite and friendly yes, but I think (as you have) keeping at arms length is a good option, is your uni class going to be big?

 

I've had to go through distancing a friend recently and its not nice, but sometimes you gotta do this stuff for your own peace of mind. She needs professional help, sometimes being someones emotional crutch can be counterproductive and stop them from getting the help they need.

Yeah, I don't want to enable her, but I also would get hit really hard if she did actually commit suicide. I keep asking myself, if that happened, would her family forgive me for keeping her secrets?

Not sure about this class... I guess i'll find out

You have done all you could regarding someone who makes suicidal gestures. Now block and delete her and all her people from all messaging and social media and stop enabling her. Shifting this headache to others doesn't accomplish much. Just stay out of her and her people's business, drama and craziness. Let her and her bf sort it out. Contact the police if there are any more suicidal/homicidal gestures. Stop trying to control her. Just step out of her life and contact police if there is a threat to harm herself or anyone else.

This morning, for some reason, I contacted her exes best friend. He called me and I admitted that my friend has been suicidal and won't see a therapist, has been trying to get pregnant, and how she told me she would be prepared to attack her ex again.

You're within your rights and, arguably, your duty as a basic decent person to inform someone of a severe and tangible risk you've, with certainty, been made aware of. Her conspiring to get pregnant by her ex by forgoing her birth control and her planning to attack him while you know she has been collecting blades for violent use being prime examples. Even with regard to the pregnancy effort, you could frame it as nothing to do with the guy's benefit and rather not wanting an innocent kid being born into a ****ed up situation. I wouldn't be willing to settle for "guy could have worn a condom rather than trust her" when it comes to a potential child who had no say in his or her conception being introduced to a single mother who seems certifiably insane and who's demonstrably dangerous. As far as her own personal risk to herself is concerned, it's a bit grayer. You could argue for proactive measures, but IMO, what essentially amounted to gossiping wasn't one of them.

I have real doubts about your motives here -I don't think it was to help your friend - "for some reason" you called your exes best friend? Really? And you "admitted" that she is suicidal -what do you mean "admit" -you gossiped about your friend to someone who would then tell her ex. I would notify the professionals and that is all you can do. And yes, you just live with the "guilt" based on your choices and maybe next time don't do the cop out "for some reason" - there was a reason, there is a reason -own it so that next time it will force you to make a more authentic choice. Here's what I would do if I knew there was cheating/deception going on. I would tell the cheater "I can't listen to this anymore because it just goes against my values and listening is like supporting it. If you are trying to trick your ex into being a father I am begging you to stop or at least tell him what you've been doing so he knows the situation and can make an informed choice. I will be honest that I am tempted to tell him because it wouldn't be fair to the resulting child."

"This morning, for some reason, I contacted her exes best friend. He called me and I admitted that my friend has been suicidal and won't see a therapist, has been trying to get pregnant, and how she told me she would be prepared to attack her ex again. The guy was really good in dealing with it and talking to the ex

Now my friend has enrolled in one of my classes this semester. The guilt is eating away at me for what I did and I don't know if I can be her friend anymore, even though I don't think she has many others. I really hate drama but I felt like I had to do something to prevent her from hurting herself or someone else

How should I handle this situation moving forward? I wanted to tell someone at uni that she's suicidal but the thing is she lies to doctors and therapists about it because she's in denial that she needs help"

You're within your rights and, arguably, your duty as a basic decent person to inform someone of a severe and tangible risk you've, with certainty, been made aware of. Her conspiring to get pregnant by her ex by forgoing her birth control and her planning to attack him while you know she has been collecting blades for violent use being prime examples. Even with regard to the pregnancy effort, you could frame it as nothing to do with the guy's benefit and rather not wanting an innocent kid being born into a ****ed up situation. I wouldn't be willing to settle for "guy could have worn a condom rather than trust her" when it comes to a potential child who had no say in his or her conception being introduced to a single mother who seems certifiably insane and who's demonstrably dangerous. As far as her own personal risk to herself is concerned, it's a bit grayer. You could argue for proactive measures, but IMO, what essentially amounted to gossiping wasn't one of them.

Yeah - that's my feeling on the situation regarding the possibility of a mentally unstable person bringing a child into the world with virtually no way to provide for it, and without the explicit consent of the father.

Not sure if people realise this is another type of domestic abuse - "reproductive violence"

I don't really care if people think I was gossiping because I know that I wasn't - and I also know the intricacies of the situation a lot better than any of you.

When I say I "admitted" to certain things, what I am referring to is the process of me sending this person a message of concern (which in my mind is not too different to sending someone a message of encouragement), and that person calling me, alarmed, and spending 30 minutes giving me reasons why I need to tell him if either of them are in danger - he knows their history.

And in fact, I think more people should express concern if they believe domestic violence is occurring, but I won't say "shame on you" to everyone who's calling it nosey and gossiping - even though a big part of me feels that way and a bit repulsed by the thought that anyone could sit by and watch people go through that when they both obviously need mental health care and social support (otherwise they wouldn't be in this situation). Ever heard that quote "Silence encourages the tormentor and never the tormented"?

I have real doubts about your motives here -I don't think it was to help your friend - "for some reason" you called your exes best friend? Really? And you "admitted" that she is suicidal -what do you mean "admit" -you gossiped about your friend to someone who would then tell her ex. I would notify the professionals and that is all you can do. And yes, you just live with the "guilt" based on your choices and maybe next time don't do the cop out "for some reason" - there was a reason, there is a reason -own it so that next time it will force you to make a more authentic choice. Here's what I would do if I knew there was cheating/deception going on. I would tell the cheater "I can't listen to this anymore because it just goes against my values and listening is like supporting it. If you are trying to trick your ex into being a father I am begging you to stop or at least tell him what you've been doing so he knows the situation and can make an informed choice. I will be honest that I am tempted to tell him because it wouldn't be fair to the resulting child."

If you're going to question my motives, at least make it interesting and tell me what you think they are - what could I possibly gain from this? Yesterday was so emotionally exhausting for me.

When I say "for some reason" I mean I can't explain why yesterday of all days, I woke up and this gut feeling of dread was strong enough for me to act on it. Probably the fact that I knew the ex might go see my friend that day and that they might get into another domestic dispute. There are some instincts that are hard to ignore

"Admitting" she was suicidal came after a 30 minute negotiation on this guy's part, including him making multiple references to her self-harm and violent tendencies (which I already knew about). I said "I'm not sure if she might be suicidal but yes I am worried about her" .. which in my mind is the same as admitting that there's a threat

Can't delete those frustrated comments above but, for the record, I'm grateful for the perspectives.

I do feel guilty and I am questioning my decisions in how I approached the situation, so I think I have something to learn here. But I stand by the decision to do something rather than nothing.