caught in a difficult spot

hi everyone, I am seeking some advice and honest opinion for you guys .

I am presently married and I am a mother of one. However, my husband was married before and he has a daughter. His daughter lives in another country with his ex wife.

However, he has not been able to see her for about two years. However, he speaks to her once weekly and sends his child support monthly.

well actually, I send it for him because he is usually stuck at work, while I am a bit more flexible since I work freelance....n yes we earn similar amounts. We are just in different fields.

However he has been asking me for us to move to the counyry his daughter lives in. He says he will get to see his daughter and can get a better paying job. I am not moved by the job because I feel most of the money will go to child support anyways. You see his ex wife is very serious about her money, so I suspect she will probably petition for an increase if she suspects he is earning more. Even if she doesn't get more since she gets nearly half his salary presently, it's gonna go to the lawyers anyways... So I am just happy I earn by own money, otherwise we would really struggle.

Anyways, long story short, i am not to keen on moving countries because as I have said to him, I will only go if I can see n feel that he will support me and be there for me because his ex wife is a bully and is very argumentative. Presently I don't feel he is capable of standing up for me and it is beneath me to get into any sort of exchange with his ex wife.

I am in a very uncomfortable spot and I feel that often times if I try to speak up he gets angry at me and it is for this reason I am not keen on going. For example, he gets upset and starts to say to me that he can't see his daughter and acts like its my fault but I don't believe it is because he and his ex wife has signed an agreement that says he gets visitation rights. However, when the time came on 2 occassions for his daughter to visit us, how ex wife said that her daughter doesn't want to travel and she doesn't know why. He even asked his daughter about coming and she said she doesn't want to.

I had suspected that she refused because she was convinced, perhaps by her mother that people from my country are bad so I suggested to him that he should invite her to come along with us on vacation and she still refused. The reason i suspected she was poisoned against me and people from my country is because a while back, her father was talking with her and he asked about school and she said she did badly in science. He asked her how come and she said because her teacher is from xxx country, which is the same country I am from and she added that the teacher doesn't like her. This girl is 10 years old.

So now we are constantly fighting over moving countries and I have said I am not confident enough to go. I said I have to feel like I will be protect by the man who is going to take me into the lion's den. I said to him that if he snaps at me and tries to blame me for stuff that not my fault and we are away from his previous family, I imagine it will get worst if we are close by. I explained that in order for me take this big step with him, I have to know that we are united.

I have however told him that if he wants to go alone he can but I can't promise him I will sit around and wait for him. I am educated, hard working and good-looking and may very likely move on with my life because I will feel that he has chosen his first family. I have suggested that he goes to court and tries to get her to enforce the order but at the end of the day, if it's his daughter who is saying she doesn't want to come then I am not sure there is much the courts can do.

I ultimately feel that he is doing all he can to ensure he has a relationship with his daughter, perhaps I am biased because of my role in the situation. I also feel like he is putting my son and I in an uncomfortable situation when he is not yet emotionally capable of standing up for us. As such I am considering leaving because I feel like he is choosing his previous family over my son and I.

Please let me know your thoughts and whether I have a point or not.

Was any of this discussed prior to you two marrying? I.e. that you would stay where you are once married, or perhaps move in the future?

yes we discussed moving prior to marriage and I always said I was not big on moving but I understand how he feels and that I would move so long he promises me that he will be there for me and so long I can see he is emotionally ready to represent and protect me and my son. So at this point, I don't feel he is any of these things because of his actions towards me....

A lot of soul searching is needed here on both sides.

Its a big commitment to leave somewhere you are settled and happy (and your son, how old is he?) it is not a good decision to disrupt lives to put yourself in an even more dramatic situation,

I think your viewpoint and stance is right... I would be patient and discuss when he is calm, but if it was me in this position, I would not be moving into any upsetting or dramatic situation!

It's a problem of two distances's.

The first is the lever (revenge), the ex is creating, and the second physical.

Overcoming the second with such a brute won't work.

She just move, or design new obstacles.

Take trips/vactions to see her. (Be sure to do it through the court.)

Separately, hire a lawyer in that country to set up a trust for the child.

The attorney will make the child aware of the trust.

Fill it with the money you saved from not moving, and copies of mailed letters to the child. (Yep, she most likely won't see the original.)

He'll miss most of her growing up but have a chance of a relationship later.

Her adulthood will last a lot longer than her childhood.

That's your hope.

Thanks so much Lester, this so what I have been saying to my husband. The situation will get even tougher if we move and hence I am not prepared to move if I don't see even strength in him. I explained that we need to be united for our marriage to survive the attacks of his ex wife and atis point we are not united enoygh since he keeps blaming me for not seeing his daughter. I dont think I am to be blamed foe thia situation but he is also upset because I did not agree for him to go and see his daughter when i had just given birth. Maybe I am wrong for this but him and i live alone and i had gotten c section and i needed to help...i was still in pain etc. I had suggested we go together so i wouldn't have had to be alone and he was adamant we couldn't afford it and while we weren't rolling in money at the time i said to him that I was willing to face the financial struggle for a month or two after but at least we both would. have been happy. He disagreed....at this point i even said that i will use a month's salary to pay our passages for us to visit his daughter this Christmas....So when he acts like I am the bad guy, it upsets me.

Your issues are ongoing and neither of you have the skills to improve your marriage. I suggest professional counseling to work on the unity of your marriage, to stop the blame, and to give each other time to show each other the counseling is working by putting in that daily effort. Maybe then, you can come to a consensus about moving or not, and about other major decisions.

Please don't make a war about the mother or make her out to be an evil ex wife. That makes it harder for your husband, and puts him in an impossible situation. Make it about the child who deserves her father in her life. And, ALSO, consider your ability to live in a new area. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Andrina might be right, that couples counseling might be just the thing right now. A third party who is objective could help you and your husband collaborate on a solution that works for ALL 4 of you.

She is difficult, and quite frankly very evil. if you have signed an agreement for your child to visit her father, why interfere with the process? my husband pays his child support and both parents deserve to have equal rights to their child. So yes i do see this as her fault...if she would do the right thing then ALL 4 of us would be fine. I have also said that i have considered moving but I will not do it if i don't see that he is emotinally strong enough to stand up for me. I am not going to get into anything with his ex wife. I believe if i move in the present state our marriage is in, we will fall apart and then we have two kids instead of one having living in distorted families. That being said i do agree with Audrina about counselling and my husband and i have talked about seeking a professional to assist us.

So I am thinking about both kids since I have not ruled out the possibility of going but i would be mad not to ensure our marriage is in the best possible state before venturing into a war zone. At the same time i have to also look out for my son as well. It is his ex wife who is not looking out for her child. Like so many bitter women who try to spite their ex husbands and child fathers without thinking that by withholding the child, they are in fact working against their own child. I am really struggling to see how all this is my fault.

I have however told him that if he wants to go alone he can but I can't promise him I will sit around and wait for him. I am educated, hard working and good-looking and may very likely move on with my life because I will feel that he has chosen his first family.

What an awful thing to tell someone you purport to love and deem worthy of a lifelong commitment through marriage for him wanting to be physically present in his daughter's life. A daughter who existed before your involvement and whom you were aware of when you married him. Frankly, the inquiries on whether you two had ever spoken of it are irrelevant. The idea your now husband might ever choose to be near his daughter should the opportunity present itself should be a given to any warm blooded human being. Yes, you're entitled to concerns. But any answer other than "yes," even if understandably followed by reasonably attainable caveats to assert your and your son's interests is mind-blowing.

"Lion's den," "war zone." Lady, I have no idea what delusions you've got running in your head where this ex wife of his exists as a militia captain, but I suppose whatever you've gotta do to justify an absolutely rotten attitude.

She is difficult, and quite frankly very evil.

I'm with j.man on this. You don't have to like her or what she does, but you might try being a bit more neutral about her. She's not YOUR ex.

If you look at the bigger picture, he wants to leave you. He just wants to do to you and your child what he's doing to this ex and other child. The problem isn't a 10 y/o, his ex, etc. It's that this is his pattern and he already has one foot out the door and by forcing your hand, he can pin leaving you on you. Just like you are hearing stories about his "evil ex".

And he will tell the next one you are the evil ex who won't let him see his kid and refused this and didn't agree to that etc. regardless of how preposterous his current proposition is. That you just keep trying to extract money, etc. What he did to her he is now doing to you. He needs someone to blame for his actions and now it's you.

See an attorney asap to discuss your options. Also see a therapist privately and confidentially to help you see through this gaslighting and ruse. Do not acquiesce to his abuse and strong-arming. Get expert legal advice and now that you know how he operates get your ducks in a row and let him go.

my husband was married before and he has a daughter. His daughter lives in another country with his ex wife. I am in a very uncomfortable spot and I feel that often times if I try to speak up he gets angry at me and it is for this reason I am not keen on going. For example, he gets upset and starts to say to me that he can't see his daughter and acts like its my fault

haha...J.man. thanks for the only source of laughter i have had for the day thus far. This is not the stone ages, as women, we have to ensure we get education and can take care of ourselves should anything go wrong in our marriages. It is also important to have self confidence so we don't find ourselves remaining in loveless relationships. The important consequence of a divorce is realising that as a result families split. I would say to anyone considering a divorce that if they are not ready to accept the consequences, then divorce is probably not the option. I don't know how well you read my post, but your answer seems to have come from a personal place not from the facts stated in my post. You seem to suggest that I have no say in our future and where we live esp since I too including the ex wife share a child each with this man. Your answer was purely biased and one sided. it is not a matter of which child was there first. Both are my husband's kids and one should never be chosen over the other.

I have not said that I will not travel. I believe that is this point that you have missed. I have said that I have to know that he is emotionally ready to deal wit the situation that will rise if we move and I have also said that I believe we are not united enough to be able to deal with his ex wife. I want to know since when first wives have more rights than second wives? and since when women should just do as they are told by their husband's? Further, I have arrived at the conclusion about my husband's ex wife based on her actions since my husband and I have been together. If you think it's ok for a woman to withhold her child from the father then you must be an angry ex wife yourself.

It is very important for women not to become bitter following a divorce. It only harms the child in the long run.

However, Wiseman, you have raised an interesting point...and if you are right....then I hope the Lord has mercy on his soul.