Feel more alone than ever before

Hi, so er after frantically searching for a forum like this I finally came across this one, never really asked for advice within a relationship before but I'm stuck and have no one else to turn to.

So to start off, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, have been for years and I've learnt to manage with it but of course I still have my bad days/weeks. I've been in a relationship for almost a year now with my boyfriend, things used to be great, I love him dearly and he used to be really really supportive and understanding with my mental health. He used to be able to cheer me up instantly with just a few words but lately I feel he has gotten distant and like he just can't be bothered with my issues anymore. I always try to keep my low moods to myself now and just plaster a smile on my face pretending I'm okay because if I don't, the way he reacts makes me feel worse. Of course he's not doing this intentionally.

It's just that whenever I'm upset, I normally want to talk to him about what's upsetting me because his support and advice always helped me, now I just feel like a burden. Whenever I'm upset he goes quiet and moody, hardly wants to talk at all and sometimes even gets upset himself and makes it all about him, saying stuff like "I'm not good enough for you am I? I don't make you happy." and I've tried telling him over and over again that he does make me happy, it's just that I can't control my depression and I still have my bad days which have nothing to do with my happiness with him, it's just the chemicals in my brain making me feel that way. Then I get even more upset because I feel like it's all my fault, my fault for having depression, my fault for making him sad, my fault for simply being this way. I feel like I'm broken and don't deserve him because I'm just not good enough. I used to feel lonely before I met him, but now I feel even more lonely than I ever have before.

He used to be the most supportive person in my life, now I no longer have that support. He's there but I can't reach out to him, making the loneliness worse. How do I talk to him about this without him getting moody/upset with me?

Im sorry to hear youre feeling down. I know exactly what you mean. I feel. That way too but i do not have a relationship except with my pets. Lol not the same. He is probably getting tired himself. Try to find another person to talk to maybe a docter or a depression group where you can get support and take the pressure off him. Hope you can beat this

I don't know hot to reply to private messages on here so I just want to add that I do see a therapist, I don't treat my boyfriend as a therapist, I don't talk to him about the bigger issues in my head. He also has experience in therapy and even offered to advise me. It's not like I'm crying to him every day about everything, I just go to him when I need help with a smaller issue or when I simply need emotional support like a cuddle but I can't even get that anymore.

What am I supposed to do when I feel low? I feel like everyone's expecting/telling me to shut up and keep it to myself. I feel like I'm not even allowed to be sad around my boyfriend anymore. It really hurts when he knows I'm sad and so he just goes quiet and ignores me, sometimes even get's angry at me. I've tried asking him if he's okay and he just says he's fine. I'm just confused now.

He used to be able to cheer me up instantly with just a few words but lately I feel he has gotten distant and like he just can't be bothered with my issues anymore. I always try to keep my low moods to myself now and just plaster a smile on my face pretending I'm okay because if I don't, the way he reacts makes me feel worse. Of course he's not doing this intentionally.

The first thing that springs to mind is experiences I've had in two relationships, both with girls who suffered anxiety, and neither took any action to resolve it.

As someone who is very emphatic and caring, especially towards a romantic partner, it can be very tiring to support someone who has issues. I've always done my best to be loving and supportive of my partners, but there's definitely been some frustration too as a result of inaction. With this in mind, I wonder if your boyfriend is experiencing similar and has a more obvious reaction to this scenario.

So, with this in mind, I ask you; do you take medication, attend therapy, or otherwise do anything yourself in an effort to manage your problems?

It's just that whenever I'm upset, I normally want to talk to him about what's upsetting me because his support and advice always helped me, now I just feel like a burden. Whenever I'm upset he goes quiet and moody, hardly wants to talk at all and sometimes even gets upset himself and makes it all about him, saying stuff like "I'm not good enough for you am I? I don't make you happy." and I've tried telling him over and over again that he does make me happy, it's just that I can't control my depression and I still have my bad days which have nothing to do with my happiness with him, it's just the chemicals in my brain making me feel that way. Then I get even more upset because I feel like it's all my fault, my fault for having depression, my fault for making him sad, my fault for simply being this way. I feel like I'm broken and don't deserve him because I'm just not good enough. I used to feel lonely before I met him, but now I feel even more lonely than I ever have before.

NEVER feel like a burden if you want to discuss your problems or how you feel; communication issues are a major reason why relationships end, and also the reasoning for many other problems. The same can be said about blaming yourself; it adds insult to injury.

Out of interest; do you display the same level of care, support etc as he used to? IE. Are you also letting him vent out his frustrations, issues etc?

I don't know hot to reply to private messages on here so I just want to add that I do see a therapist, I don't treat my boyfriend as a therapist, I don't talk to him about the bigger issues in my head. He also has experience in therapy and even offered to advise me. It's not like I'm crying to him every day about everything, I just go to him when I need help with a smaller issue or when I simply need emotional support like a cuddle but I can't even get that anymore.

 

What am I supposed to do when I feel low? I feel like everyone's expecting/telling me to shut up and keep it to myself. I feel like I'm not even allowed to be sad around my boyfriend anymore. It really hurts when he knows I'm sad and so he just goes quiet and ignores me, sometimes even get's angry at me. I've tried asking him if he's okay and he just says he's fine. I'm just confused now.

Okay, you addressed you take therapy. Have you discussed your current relationship issue with them? If so, what did they say?

Also, you can always come here to talk to us. We have a journal section for you to vent, and I'm always a private message away if you need a pen pal. =)

Perhaps he's at the stage where he feels giving you support is enabling you to not have to get any better?

Perhaps he's at the stage where he's just tired of your mood swings and doesn't know how to be supportive anymore?

Perhaps he's just tired of the relationship in general, it's lost its spark for him and he's afraid to leave you because of your mood disorder and what leaving you may do to exacerbate it?

The bottom line, if you're feeling more lonely within the relationship then you did when you were single, then the relationship has more likely then not, run its course. I think it would benefit you emotionally if you worked on your mental issues as a single along with the help of your therapist, meds and even support groups so that you don't have to rely on a partner to be your emotional band aid? If you've had a partner stop being supportive of your issues in the past then this could be becoming a pattern.

Good luck going forth.

@LightWave93 Thank you ever so much for your helpful reply. I really do understand that dealing with me can be tiring, this is why I keep bigger things to myself rather than put them on him. I'd never pester him with my issues or make them such a big deal, I wouldn't want to put that pressure on him. It really is just small every day things I struggle with that I turn to him for support, like say I have a little family issue I simply talk to him about it, have a little vent and ask for a cuddle, I don't expect him to say anything back and be like a therapist and I always remain calm when talking to him (as in I'm not crying in hysterics because he hates seeing me cry, it upsets him and I don't want him to start crying either!)

I'm trying my absolute best to take care of myself, to treat my depression and anxiety, I take my meds daily and I attend therapy so it kinda hurts when he says he's not good enough to make me happy, I really don't want him thinking that because he is just perfect and always makes me laugh. It always makes me feel like I'm failing or not trying hard enough to treat my mental health.

And to answer your question, I'm always there for him when he needs me, whenever he's upset or stressed and needs to vent or needs my support, I go out of my way just to be there and help him, just as he was for me. So again, I feel even more hurt that even though I'm still being really supportive for him, when I need any kind of support, I get the silent treatment instead. I just miss the simple cuddles you know?

It's just weird because when we're both our normal selves together we still have lots of fun, lots of laughs and lots of cheesy moments and I still feel he cares for me a lot. We've hardly ever argued and when we have had arguments, we've always talked until it was resolved and we were back to normal again. I probably sound like I go to him every time I have a depressing thought but I don't, I try my best to not let my depression ruin our relationship and be a constant downer, it's just when I'm feeling REALLY low and need someone that I go to him. Those bad days are now getting rarer thankfully.

As for therapy, I haven't spoken much about us to my therapist yet, I think I will do the next time I see her. Also, thank you so much, if I ever need more help I'll send you a message, I really appreciate it.

How is your social life? Do you have other friends you can confide in, or can you increase your therapy visits or pursue a support group so that you're not relying so heavily on BF for support?

First rule of thumb I'd employ about checking my neediness with a lover would be to ask myself, "How would I handle this if I were single?" Then I'd play out self sufficiency first in order to avoid becoming overburdensome with a lover.

Head high, and I hope you'll let us know how thing work out.