I feel like I am losing my identity and confidence living with my family

Hello,

I thought I would post on here because I feel I can't talk to any of my friends about some of the things that have been going on and been feeling very isolated and been losing my confidence.

I moved back home from university in June and in late June I received some bad news that made me feel horrendous. Living with my family has been difficult. There is a drama every other day- yesterday we had to pick up my brother from the police station because he had assaulted someone alongside other things. Every other day we are dealing with him and his constant issues. I am the youngest of 6 and feel like my personality is fading away in that house. I am too embarassed to tell freinds because I'm scared they would think what the hell? That family is crazy- they have come from well-do do stable families and hence I can't feel like I can be myself anymore with them if they hear anything that is going on at home.

The other siblings-brother, sisters etc always just tell me all their problems and issues all the time and I just feel like I am here to absorb everyone's problems and I am a walking counsellor. I feel like unless I don't play that role me and them wouldn't have much to talk about at all. My mum is pretty religious and believes that god will be our saviour and tells me everything will be fine again.

I feel like I am losing my identity, motivation and passion for life and feel like an empty shell inside. It's really horrible.

Any advice or support would be welcome as I feel very alone right now.

Your situation can be temporary. What are your plans for employment so you can move out? If you have no idea, start working on a concrete plan with achievable steps.

In the meantime, set firm boundaries and limit the amount of time you spend with your family. The belief that you have to absorb others issues and play counselor is in your head. Work on adjusting expectations for yourself regarding how much you can fix/help your family.

My plans are for getting any job just so I can be financially independent. I have some money saved up-not that much but to last me 3 months rent until I find a job. The thing is the environment is very hard to live in at the moment because every other day my sister comes with her children and stays till god knows what time. The environment varies from day to day and I feel there is no stability: one day there may be arguments from one sibling and then another day there is arguments from my mum, it's a very difficult envionment to be in and I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN BE MYSELF.

I'd suggest being outside of the house as much as possible. Go to the library and work on your resume and/or apply from jobs from their computers or your own laptop, if you have one, while sitting in the library. While waiting to get a job, see if any company in your field would take you as a volunteer or an intern, even if unpaid if it's close by, temporarily so you can put that on your resume as experience.

Always know you're in control of how a discussion will go. If a sibling is bringing you down with a discussion, tell him/her that you're feeling overwhelmed and would prefer to have an outlet for stress instead and suggest doing something. How about kicking a soccer ball around or joining a gym together or whatever physical outlet would be feasible? You have the ability to steer the discussion in a more positive direction. When your sister's kids come over, why not take them to the park? Spend some quality time with them alone. Kids can brighten ones spirits if they aren't super bratty.

And be real with your friends or they will sense a barrier there and nobody wants to be with someone who has their guard up. It doesn't mean you have to give them details or that you should dump your problems on them like your siblings do. It just means that you can say your family is dysfunctional and you can't wait to move out. A real friend won't think less of you because you come from a different type of background than them.

Keep your eye on your future goals and work daily on getting a job so you get your own place and only see your family on your own terms. If you have another relative who has a calmer home who you could ask to stay with until you get a job, that might be a good route to go. Read some articles on the internet about establishing boundaries with people and how to reduce anxiety during difficult times. Life is full of plateaus, valleys and peaks, but it never stays at the same level forever. Think of this as a valley and the next level can only be a higher one. Take care.

Hello,

 

I thought I would post on here because I feel I can't talk to any of my friends about some of the things that have been going on and been feeling very isolated and been losing my confidence.

 

I moved back home from university in June and in late June I received some bad news that made me feel horrendous. Living with my family has been difficult. There is a drama every other day- yesterday we had to pick up my brother from the police station because he had assaulted someone alongside other things. Every other day we are dealing with him and his constant issues. I am the youngest of 6 and feel like my personality is fading away in that house. I am too embarassed to tell freinds because I'm scared they would think what the hell? That family is crazy- they have come from well-do do stable families and hence I can't feel like I can be myself anymore with them if they hear anything that is going on at home.

 

The other siblings-brother, sisters etc always just tell me all their problems and issues all the time and I just feel like I am here to absorb everyone's problems and I am a walking counsellor. I feel like unless I don't play that role me and them wouldn't have much to talk about at all. My mum is pretty religious and believes that god will be our saviour and tells me everything will be fine again.

 

I feel like I am losing my identity, motivation and passion for life and feel like an empty shell inside. It's really horrible.

 

Any advice or support would be welcome as I feel very alone right now.

Not even reading your post, OP.

If you feel like all the perks like the free ride outweighs the cons, then move the fark out.Jesus the snowflakes that come out of what we call society these days.

One of the best ways to find a good job is through temp jobs, regardless of whether the temp work is related to the actual job you'll want. I'd apply at one temp agency per morning, at least 3 per week. They'll all say they have nothing at the moment, which is because no agency leaves jobs lying around. They employ people from their 'active' roster, and you cannot get on that by applying online. You need to go in, fill out the papers, test on apps for which you claim proficiency, and interview. If your scores are low, they'll let you use their tutorials to retest later to bring up your scores.

Temping allows you to learn which companies are a good fit and to apply for unpublished jobs from within.

The best way to find work is to get out there to find it. Sitting home is called 'navel gazing,' and it will drive you nuts. Skip that, find work, and then you're in control of your own lifestyle.

Head high.

Thank you for all your replies, your advice is thoroughly appreciated.

I have signed up with a job agency who said they will help me with my CV as I feel like I need that push and extra help to get me started and for them to help me see what jobs are suitable for me.

I have also looked into volunteering to get myself out there again and socialising and meeting new people as sitting at home is killing my brain cells off literally.

Thank you for all your advice-the helpful ones anyway- it’s very much appreciated. I will alsdo apply for temporary job agencies as never thought of that so thank you for the suggestion catfeeder! :)

Excellent. That's all you can do to get out of the line of fire of all the chaos and dysfunction. Get out of that house as much as possible. You should be at work everyday, whatever you can get. The rest of the time go to the library, see friends, get to a gym, park, classes, anything.

Be out of the house with your phone silenced/going to VM for at least 15 hrs/day. Only sleep and shower there. They carried on while you were away, so just do that again. Be Gone every day all day. Stop getting sucked into the chaos.

My plans are for getting any job just so I can be financially independent. I have some money saved up-not that much but to last me 3 months rent until I find a job.