Should I get my own apartment or move in with him?

So me (soon to be 18) and my boyfriend who just turned 21 have been dating for 2 years now. Our relationship has been longdistance (10 hour train ride) and we met in real life about once for a week every 2 months for the last two years. Everything is going perfectly fine between me and him right now. The school I went to before summer vacation isn’t really the best and I struggled to get through the school year so my parents and I talked to my teacher and the schools counselor about moving schools.

I ended up sending an application to the school that’s close to where my boyfriend lives, because I know his family really well so I knew that if I went there it’d be better because it wouldn’t be completely new for me because I am familiar with the place and got people who I know around me.

Also my boyfriends mum is a teacher at the school and told me she’d love to have me as her student so after thinking it through, my parents agreed to letting me go to that school.

Today I got a message saying that I was accepted into the school. But heres my question.

Should I move in with my boyfriend or get my own apartment?

I really love him and he keeps telling me that I should move in with him. I want to but I feel like it is a bad idea. I’d do anything to make it work between me and him and that’s why I’m asking about this. We have only officially dated for 2 years and I just feel like it’s too early to move in together (even though I really want to)

I’m scared if I move in with him he’ll feel like he got no time to be out partying with his friends etc and just ruin his freedom. It is a big change. 7 day visits are always awesome but going from 7 days every 2 months to being together 24/7 just seems like a way too big change to happen in such a short amount of time. Does anyone have any experience in these situations or any opinions?

So this grown man was dating a minor (you were 16 when you first started dating and he was 19?? your parents were cool with this??

I would not move in with him. I would get your own apartment, or maybe even better for you, find 1-2 other girls who are in the same situation as you and split the rent so you would know more people in the area. Dating in person is so much different than long distance -- its starting over, in a way. Trust me, from someone who moved long distance - its best to live separately and to not force the pace of the relationship. And being that you are still a minor --- can you really just relocate like that ---- unless you are in college already and just graduated from high school younger because of when your birthday fell in the year

OP, have you two resolved the issue from this thread you posted yesterday:?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552761

I think now is not the best time to move in together. Move closer to him if it's a better school, but don't move in with him. Let yourselves date each other locally first, and see how that goes.

OP, have you two resolved the issue from this thread you posted yesterday:?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552761

 

I think now is not the best time to move in together. Move closer to him if it's a better school, but don't move in with him. Let yourselves date each other locally first, and see how that goes.

From reading that post, you sound like a young girl still emotionally. you are a teenager and he is a college-aged guy. I would tread carefully here into not molding yourself in to someone you are not to keep up with him. I would not move in because you may find you are not as compatible as you thought. you are going to change a lot in the next few years as you grow up and you might not feel the same about him.

Yes, it was solved after I got accepted to the school last night. We hadn’t been talking much because he was partying which made me worried, but when I saw the message from the school I called him and he was super happy and we discussed alot after that.

-

He is about 3 years older than me why is that a problem lol?

Yes, it was solved after I got accepted to the school last night. We hadn’t been talking much because he was partying which made me worried, but when I saw the message from the school I called him and he was super happy and we discussed alot after that.

-

He is about 3 years older than me why is that a problem lol?

How is the "partying" problem solved -- you won't know until you move there.

How is 3 years a problem? 3 years is not a problem. The problem is that he was an adult who started dating a 16 year old girl - which was a little questionable - i.e. why was he going after a child to date instead of a woman who was legally an adult? If you are crying all the time before he leaves -- that speaks that you are still a young girl.

Also, we change a lot as people from 17-22 and I would make sure you give yourself ample room to grow and get your schooling in and don't tie yourself down to him so quickly by moving in. What is right for you, and who you are will be VASTLY different when you come out of those years. It happens to everyone.

I won't chime in on the age thing, except for the fact that if she had to go somewhere far and spent so many days away from home, her parents probably knew and gave consent which in some states thats ok long as the parents know when someone is under 18.

As for the question to move in or not, I wouldnt move in, it has nothing to do with him or being conpatabile. I would live on my own to see what its like to do so. He can always come around and spend the night but you get your freedom as well. Also you should grow on your own, living in your own space. At first you will be with him all the time because you dont know anyone but eventually will make friends.

If things go on nicely then decide to move in, however my advice for right now is live on your own.

Whole age issue aside, I think there are few more valuable life experiences than living on your own, whether having your own place or getting flatmates. It's not absolutely necessary, but if you can, I think you should. Get experience maintaining your own living space and living up to all the associated financial responsibilities so that you're not potentially juggling those lessons with learning how to share space with a romantic partner.

You sound like you have no idea what you’re talking about. ‘crying all the time before he leaves means you are a little girl’ ever heard of post visit depression? almost everyone will get that after a visit with their long distance partner or friend, no matter what age. It is completely normal.

hi 1tym, thank you I was thinking the same; live alone and if things go nicely then move in together

Whole age issue aside, I think there are few more valuable life experiences than living on your own, whether having your own place or getting flatmates. It's not absolutely necessary, but if you can, I think you should. Get experience maintaining your own living space and living up to all the associated financial responsibilities so that you're not potentially juggling those lessons with learning how to share space with a romantic partner.

yeah I agree!

So this grown man was dating a minor (you were 16 when you first started dating and he was 19?? your parents were cool with this??

Just curious, do you really think that the age gap between a 16 years old and a 19 years old is that big? I get it's a cultural difference but to my eyes being above 18 doesn't mean that you became an "adult". At 19 I was as dumb/mature as when I was 16. If it was 16 and 23 I would think there is a significant gap but now?

At 16 you are a kid, at 19 you are still a kid. I guess it's one of the cultural disparities I can't fathom.

By the way, I second jman on this.

Just curious, do you really think that the age gap between a 16 years old and a 19 years old is that big? I get it's a cultural difference but to my eyes being above 18 doesn't mean that you became an "adult". At 19 I was as dumb/mature as when I was 16. If it was 16 and 23 I would think there is a significant gap but now?

At 16 you are a kid, at 19 you are still a kid. I guess it's one of the cultural disparities I can't fathom.

 

By the way, I second jman on this.

this!! thank you!!!

Steph, I think you are being reasonable.

Your own place, he can visit you, you can visit him. And then when your lease is up you can decide what to do then.

College and high school are different perimeters from a social standpoint. And if anybody has bothered to read the OP’s separate thread from yesterday, there is a significant difference of social interaction between a 17 and a 20 year old. Her boyfriend is spreading his wings and attending parties with guys his age. The OP isn’t into that scene and threw a fit about it. In one year the boyfriend will be 21 and will want to go to 21+ parties with his buddies (bar hopping and clubs) where it would be ILLEGAL for anyone under the age to attend. She won’t be able to participate in those and if the OP was already fighting about him attending such events without her, then it will be a problem later in the relationship. She can’t and shouldn’t hold him back. He could also put his future career at risk for buying alcohol for an underage person. I had a classmate forefeit his teaching license when he threw a graduation party and got busted for having underage drinkers at the party. 4 years of studying to be a teacher was thrown out the window.

He is already rapidly changing from a social perspective, and it will continue. I get she has been with him for two years and also feels very committed to this relationship, but from a realistic standpoint, most high school relationships do not last because social environments and priorities change. If it was meant to be, then it will work out despite distance. But just like in any relationship, people do change. College brings out bigger changes and the OP has not experienced those yet to tie herself down to a relationship.

College also provides a wonderful opportunity to meet people who are adults and begin to network with for a career. What strikes me really odd about this age gap is that the boyfriend never attended the same high school as the OP and lived over 10 hours away. If it was the case that they met back in high school, this would be a completely different story. So really, WHY did he accept getting into a relationship with a 16 year old minor? I’m about to be a parent of a daughter in a few weeks, and I sure as hell would not be ok with my child hooking up with a 19 year old strange man from the internet/online game or anyone from a long distance. What was stopping him from meeting girls on his campus? Also, depending on her boyfriend’s field of study, he maybe graduating college in the next year or so... and then what’s the OP’s next goal? What if he can only get a job in a different state (which commonly happens) while the OP has 3 years of schooling left?

Rule of thumb of selecting a college... and this comes from some who has gone to three different colleges: choose a school that has a strong degree program AND internship connections. The whole purpose of going to college is to prepare for a career to support yourself (especially as a woman). A college education provides a chance to earn a salary where you don’t have to financially depend on a spouse to support you, especially if a marriage goes sour (because remember, people will always change in a relationship). Picking a school just to be close to a long-distant boyfriend is a terrible decision. OP says she is familiar with the area and has friendships established, but that’s only through her boyfriend’s support. You should be looking at supports that the school offers.

What’s the OP’s plan when her relationship falls through? She already struggles with “visitation depression”- so how will she cope over a break up and being over 10 hours away from her friends and family back home? And since those “friendships” she gained were through her boyfriend, they have a higher chance of drifting if she’s no longer together with her boyfriend.

Please think this whole thing through and have some “backup” plans. I know you’re excited about closing the distance gap, but this really doesn’t sound like a good idea.

College and high school are different perimeters from a social standpoint. And if anybody has bothered to read the OP’s separate thread from yesterday, there is a significant difference of social interaction between a 17 and a 20 year old. Her boyfriend is spreading his wings and attending parties with guys his age. The OP isn’t into that scene and threw a fit about it. In one year the boyfriend will be 21 and will want to go to 21+ parties with his buddies (bar hopping and clubs) where it would be ILLEGAL for anyone under the age to attend. She won’t be able to participate in those and if the OP was already fighting about him attending such events without her, then it will be a problem later in the relationship. She can’t and shouldn’t hold him back. He could also put his future career at risk for buying alcohol for an underage person. I had a classmate forefeit his teaching license when he threw a graduation party and got busted for having underage drinkers at the party. 4 years of studying to be a teacher was thrown out the window.

 

He is already rapidly changing from a social perspective, and it will continue. I get she has been with him for two years and also feels very committed to this relationship, but from a realistic standpoint, most high school relationships do not last because social environments and priorities change. If it was meant to be, then it will work out despite distance. But just like in any relationship, people do change. College brings out bigger changes and the OP has not experienced those yet to tie herself down to a relationship.

 

College also provides a wonderful opportunity to meet people who are adults and begin to network with for a career. What strikes me really odd about this age gap is that the boyfriend never attended the same high school as the OP and lived over 10 hours away. If it was the case that they met back in high school, this would be a completely different story. So really, WHY did he accept getting into a relationship with a 16 year old minor? I’m about to be a parent of a daughter in a few weeks, and I sure as hell would not be ok with my child hooking up with a 19 year old strange man from the internet/online game or anyone from a long distance. What was stopping him from meeting girls on his campus? Also, depending on her boyfriend’s field of study, he maybe graduating college in the next year or so... and then what’s the OP’s next goal? What if he can only get a job in a different state (which commonly happens) while the OP has 3 years of schooling left?

 

Rule of thumb of selecting a college... and this comes from some who has gone to three different colleges: choose a school that has a strong degree program AND internship connections. The whole purpose of going to college is to prepare for a career to support yourself (especially as a woman). A college education provides a chance to earn a salary where you don’t have to financially depend on a spouse to support you, especially if a marriage goes sour (because remember, people will always change in a relationship). Picking a school just to be close to a long-distant boyfriend is a terrible decision. OP says she is familiar with the area and has friendships established, but that’s only through her boyfriend’s support. You should be looking at supports that the school offers.

What’s the OP’s plan when her relationship falls through? She already struggles with “visitation depression”- so how will she cope over a break up and being over 10 hours away from her friends and family back home? And since those “friendships” she gained were through her boyfriend, they have a higher chance of drifting if she’s no longer together with her boyfriend.

 

Please think this whole thing through and have some “backup” plans. I know you’re excited about closing the distance gap, but this really doesn’t sound like a good idea.

I second this entire post. As a parent, I can't for the life of me understand how any parent would be comfortable with their 16 year old daughter hooking up with some long distance guy 10 hours away.

As to the question at hand, OP I think it would be wise to get your own place ... question is, can you afford it?

trust your gut

I second this entire post. As a parent, I can't for the life of me understand how any parent would be comfortable with their 16 year old daughter hooking up with some long distance guy 10 hours away.

 

As to the question at hand, OP I think it would be wise to get your own place ... question is, can you afford it?

hes not the type to go to festivals and parties, it was just being held a huge festival that he origianlly wasn’t going to but he got a ticket for his birthday so he went with his friends.

My father wasn’t so sure about me meeting him at first so we made up a deal that me and my parents skyped him before we met. The first time we met he drove to visit me + my parents in the city for a good dinner before going to my home. Now my parents keep talking about how amazing he is and that they are glad I met such an awesome, kind and open guy.

Guys it’s 2018 everyone uses internet to interact with other people. please.

College and high school are different perimeters from a social standpoint. And if anybody has bothered to read the OP’s separate thread from yesterday, there is a significant difference of social interaction between a 17 and a 20 year old. Her boyfriend is spreading his wings and attending parties with guys his age. The OP isn’t into that scene and threw a fit about it. In one year the boyfriend will be 21 and will want to go to 21+ parties with his buddies (bar hopping and clubs) where it would be ILLEGAL for anyone under the age to attend. She won’t be able to participate in those and if the OP was already fighting about him attending such events without her, then it will be a problem later in the relationship. She can’t and shouldn’t hold him back. He could also put his future career at risk for buying alcohol for an underage person. I had a classmate forefeit his teaching license when he threw a graduation party and got busted for having underage drinkers at the party. 4 years of studying to be a teacher was thrown out the window.

 

He is already rapidly changing from a social perspective, and it will continue. I get she has been with him for two years and also feels very committed to this relationship, but from a realistic standpoint, most high school relationships do not last because social environments and priorities change. If it was meant to be, then it will work out despite distance. But just like in any relationship, people do change. College brings out bigger changes and the OP has not experienced those yet to tie herself down to a relationship.

 

College also provides a wonderful opportunity to meet people who are adults and begin to network with for a career. What strikes me really odd about this age gap is that the boyfriend never attended the same high school as the OP and lived over 10 hours away. If it was the case that they met back in high school, this would be a completely different story. So really, WHY did he accept getting into a relationship with a 16 year old minor? I’m about to be a parent of a daughter in a few weeks, and I sure as hell would not be ok with my child hooking up with a 19 year old strange man from the internet/online game or anyone from a long distance. What was stopping him from meeting girls on his campus? Also, depending on her boyfriend’s field of study, he maybe graduating college in the next year or so... and then what’s the OP’s next goal? What if he can only get a job in a different state (which commonly happens) while the OP has 3 years of schooling left?

 

Rule of thumb of selecting a college... and this comes from some who has gone to three different colleges: choose a school that has a strong degree program AND internship connections. The whole purpose of going to college is to prepare for a career to support yourself (especially as a woman). A college education provides a chance to earn a salary where you don’t have to financially depend on a spouse to support you, especially if a marriage goes sour (because remember, people will always change in a relationship). Picking a school just to be close to a long-distant boyfriend is a terrible decision. OP says she is familiar with the area and has friendships established, but that’s only through her boyfriend’s support. You should be looking at supports that the school offers.

What’s the OP’s plan when her relationship falls through? She already struggles with “visitation depression”- so how will she cope over a break up and being over 10 hours away from her friends and family back home? And since those “friendships” she gained were through her boyfriend, they have a higher chance of drifting if she’s no longer together with her boyfriend.

 

Please think this whole thing through and have some “backup” plans. I know you’re excited about closing the distance gap, but this really doesn’t sound like a good idea.

My boyfriend already graduated. We live in Norway and the school systems are different here. Most people go into work at 19 so he has been working for almost 2 years now. I met him online obviously and there hasn’t been any problems. the only time i get depressed is when we separate. I seriously don’t understand why people think online dating is a major issue. My family loves him even though my dad wasn’t happy with the age gap at first either. Now he’s like my boyfriends bestfriend even though he was the one doubting him.

I thought you were from the US. They have different rules there

The next morning when he was going to leave, I gave him a kiss and said «i’m really sorry if I annoyed you last night, I don’t know what was going through my head» and he said «Oh yea you were really f*cking annoying» and we said our goodbyes and he left.

^

The above was quoted from the thread from which you posted yesterday. He doesn't seem to be an "amazing and kind" guy as your parents thought upon meeting him., (imo).

Also, his parting words, (above) appear to say much of what he's all about, again (imo). With that said, I would take this into account when making your decision as to moving in with him. I would not, but it's your call.

My boyfriend already graduated. We live in Norway and the school systems are different here. Most people go into work at 19 so he has been working for almost 2 years now. I met him online obviously and there hasn’t been any problems. the only time i get depressed is when we separate. I seriously don’t understand why people think online dating is a major issue. My family loves him even though my dad wasn’t happy with the age gap at first either. Now he’s like my boyfriends bestfriend even though he was the one doubting him.

Here, most people are still in high school at 17 and become a legal adult at 18. They usually graduate at 18. Anyone under 18 is considered a minor. Its not a problem that he already graduated -- its that you are still in school and it doesn't sound like its college - it sounds like high school?

Here, most people are still in high school at 17 and become a legal adult at 18. They usually graduate at 18. Anyone under 18 is considered a minor. Its not a problem that he already graduated -- its that you are still in school and it doesn't sound like its college - it sounds like high school?

yeah in Norway we got different systems. high school is from age 13 to 16, then we got something that is similar to college from 16 to 18/19 (2 or 3 years depends on what education we are getting) and after that we can get a job or just continue on the education. im starting my second year in «college» in august in the new school.

OK, that changes a bit of the advice I’ve given. Thank you for clarifying!

However my wisdom on schooling and living situation still stand. Moving so far from your support system will force you to become independent- mentally and physically. Homesickness is real. Have your support systems figured out and do not just rely on your boyfriend to be the only source. Like I said, this relationship may potentially not work out, and without a backup plan, you will be stuck finishing at a school and be miserable. You can’t afford those distractions while trying to finalize your education. So be absolutely, 110% sure that the school you decide to enroll in is THE one right for your personal and professional growth. You should still focus on making friendships and connections with people at school than just falling back on the friends you’ve met through your boyfriend. Making your own personal connections will help you grow independently.

I agree with the others on not moving in with your boyfriend yet and just grabbing roommates. You need time to settle in a new location, adjust to a new school, and learn to live more independently. Living with a significant other is a HIGE commitment step and you need to be ready in terms of managing a household. If your boyfriend cares about you, he will respect that. Plus he can always come an stay over on nights you are free.