Would you leave someone over their salary or benefits package?

My bf doesn't see me as a person . He overlooks all my good qualities and has only been discussing my salary and my benefits at my job. My job is school based so Summers I have off. However he thinks I should work in the Summer too and have a second job. He doesnt think my job pays enough for his standard. He makes alot of money in his career but I dont make close to what he makes. For a while it was just a small convo. But lately he brings up my salary, how I'm not working in the summer bugs him etc. He doesn't care that the job is school based and having off in Summer is the job. I'm working on a promotion which is taking too long in his book. It would give me a higher salary and benefits. He's growing impatient over the wait. He's taking it up that I'm lazy but that's not the case. It's a process to meet my goal.

 

When I tell him to see me for me and my good qualities before he sees my paycheck, he seems to shrug me off. He says my personality wont pay the bills. I almost feel that I could treat him like a king and be perfect to him, and still he would discount it over my career.

 

Do you think its normal for a guy to focus on a womans career over who she is as a person? Would you leave a great woman over financial reasons only?

 

Im not sure if it matters but I will add this. He makes high six figures. Certainly enough to support himself and then some. So its not an issue of him needing my money. But a few times he mentioned he wont marry me until I have a better benefits package.

 

All sounds silly but its my reality. Any opinions or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I don't think it's ok for anyone, man or woman to base someone's value on their income. Work ethic or lack thereof, sure, but actual paycheck? Irrelevant.

Is this the same guy from your other threads? Back in April you were referring to him as your ex, if so. When and why did you get back together?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549690

 

Anyway, no, this isn't normal. Why do you stay with a person who very clearly doesn't respect you?

"Normal" and "right" are two different considerations.

 

The bulk of my job is interpreting for deaf students, so my hours dwindle if not full on disappear during the summer. My fiancee is a doctor who, similar to your guy, makes well into 6 figures. There are numerous metrics that show the odds are at against that dynamic, particularly when it's the woman making more, but again, what's normal doesn't mean universal. It works for us. When I'm off for summers, I'm cleaning, making dinners, doing household repairs and maintenance, fixing what needs fixing, etc. I make a legitimate 8 hour work day of it. I can guarantee it's not what money could buy with a month of pay I'd be earning if there was work, but my lady actually looks forward to when I'm done working for the season.

 

But that's us. It works. I wouldn't blame her or anyone else for considering income. If I weren't a good cook who didn't understand plumbing or how to rewire a house, I actually don't think I'd be able to find a self respecting woman who was cool with me not looking for alternative summer work. People have financial goals and often prefer a partner who can equitably contribute to them. And that's fair enough. Honestly, you need to take this issue to heart. You don't want to hustle for summer work, and that's just as fair. You two have very fundamentally different goals. If you know you're content with your lifestyle and compensation while he's not, I'm sorry to say but it may be better to cut the cord sooner than later.

Why are you still with him? You are choosing to stay with a person who doesn't accept you as you are. In my opinion, staying on in such a situation will end up corroding your self-esteem.

You need to end this relatiobship, remove him from your life. There are nen out there who will love and adore you for the person who you are.

It's simple incompatibility. It's not silly as it's really important when marrying someone that values and goals match.

 

You just have to find someone who matches you as far as what you each value as important in life.

Please don't tell me this is still the same guy??I really wouldn't be able to understand that!

It sounds like you’re incompatible. He places greater value and importance on a partner’s salary; whereas you don’t.

 

I’d move on and find someone who’s compatible with what’s important to you. If you stay with him, it will only get worse; especially if you were to ever get married!

When I tell him to see me for me and my good qualities before he sees my paycheck, he seems to shrug me off. He says my personality wont pay the bills...Would you leave a great woman over financial reasons only?

 

Yes, if I am expected to foot your bills, including paying your half of shared bills. It wouldn't matter how much he makes if this is the case.

 

Is he paying your bills or your share of them?

Oh. My. Gosh.

 

I have No. Words.

 

Wait, yes I do have words: Leave him. Wow.

 

ETA: OK I'm adding to my post because this is so heinous I don't know where to begin.

 

You are in a profession for which you are passionate, but it unfortunately doesn't pay a lot. Don't get me started on how much more I think we should pay teachers, firemen, and police.

 

You happen to get the summer off. Guess what....most teachers work well beyond normal hours during the work year. Most teachers I know work at home at night, putting together programs, grading papers, doing school plays, etc. All sorts of stuff. So I bet if you added the total hours worked in a year, it's as much, or more, than your idiot boyfriend works.

Yeah, it sounds like a simple issue of incompatibility. He hasn't phrased any of his concerns in a great way, but I'll play Devil's Advocate for a moment. I am pretty hesitant to seriously date anyone who makes significantly less money than me, especially when the end goal for the woman involved is marriage (meaning she wants that some day). Why? Because if we marry and the thing blows up, I am 100% on the hook for a significant amount of alimony, and writing that check would make me want to puke. It's hard for me to fault any guy with that concern.

It sounds like he's beating you up to make himself feel superior and trying to run your life like a sick control freak. This is easy. Do not answer any questions. Do not reveal your salary or financial issues. Just don't discuss it with him. It's none of his business. If he tries to do this just cut him off, change the subject etc. or be more honest/direct and tell him "this is none of your concern".

Please tell us you didn't reconcile with the guy you've been having all those issues with and who you already broke up with a few times!

 

If this is the same guy, how can you be surprised that you are having even more issues?

 

I sure hope this is not the same guy because that would make no sense...

My job is school based so Summers I have off. However he thinks I should work in the Summer too and have a second job. He doesnt think my job pays enough for his standard.

The most common misconception about school teachers. I absolutely hate how people do this to teachers.

 

Many don’t sit on their asses during the summer. They’re attending professional development meetings or taking graduate courses to maintain their certifications. Some may also be working a seasonal job, but then you got teachers with younger children who are taking summer off to avoid paying for high childcare cost. And what teacher is NOT working a weekend day of grading/lesson planning during the school year? Teachers are working beyond 40 hours of UNPAID OVERTIME.

 

Your boyfriend is a douchebag. Get rid of him.

 

I think we should pay teachers, firemen, and police.

My dad was a fire captain (professional, not volunteer) and was making six figure salary by the time he retired. His retirement pension was substantially huge compared to what I would receive from a teacher’s pension. Dude bought a brand new 20 ft motorboat, a couple hotrods, and an RV. Then again he witnessed some ****ed up things during 9/11 and suffered PTSD from it, so it’s well deserved.

 

But pay? No, fire and police are good. They rank up.

 

Mental health professionals could really use income increase AND an improvement in the system. Same goes with military.

 

My dad was a fire captain (professional, not volunteer) and was making six figure salary by the time he retired. His retirement pension was substantially huge compared to what I would receive from a teacher’s pension. Dude bought a brand new 20 ft motorboat, a couple hotrods, and an RV. Then again he witnessed some ****ed up things during 9/11 and suffered PTSD from it, so it’s well deserved.

 

But pay? No, fire and police are good. They rank up.

 

Mental health professionals could really use income increase AND an improvement in the system. Same goes with military.

 

I didn't realize this. I always assumed (yes assumed) that firemen & police officers make little for putting their own lives on the line. Thanks for the clarification....never assume, lol.

 

As for teachers, my gosh, there aren't a lot more professions that are that important.

 

And like I said above, yes, teachers do put in a ton of hours during the school year, not to mention the meetings they have over the summer. Do they get some time off during the summer? Yes, of course.....well deserved.

 

This guy has got to go, this pompous a-hole.

I have friends who teach and take summers off, and others who pick up other sorts of work over the summers. How people choose to use their summers is personal preference, as is how someone chooses to pursue their interests for work and pleasure.

 

I think you ought to let him go for a myriad of reasons. With respect to this issue of your revenue generation being less than what he seeks, i think you should write your "dear john" letter on aluminum foil wrapped around some high achieving resume. The foil will look shiny and expensive. Then it will get wrinkles and break, and finally become worthless. He will be left with the resume.

 

If he seeks a human with a full 360 of character traits, he will know the value of a good soul. Tin foil can't hold down a good soul, and neither can he hold you.

Yes, if I am expected to foot your bills, including paying your half of shared bills. It wouldn't matter how much he makes if this is the case.

 

Is he paying your bills or your share of them?

 

All he has to do is make clear what he will and won't pay for: "Sweetheart, I would like to go on vacation with you. Let's work together to choose a destination we would both enjoy and we each can afford in terms of time and money. Maybe over pasta tonight at mine - you bring the salad?"

It sounds like he's beating you up to make himself feel superior and trying to run your life like a sick control freak. This is easy. Do not answer any questions. Do not reveal your salary or financial issues. Just don't discuss it with him. It's none of his business. If he tries to do this just cut him off, change the subject etc. or be more honest/direct and tell him "this is none of your concern".

 

^This. OP this is NOT about money at all. This is about his ego and the fact that he is using you like his punching bag. Putting you down makes him feel good about himself.

 

Like some other posters I'm kind of speechless. What are you doing with this demented, abusive creep? Dump him like yesterday. No, the way he is attacking your worth is NOT normal, it's emotional abuse.

My wife is a teacher. She has 210 contract days to work a year, since she is an administrator too.

 

With that, in addition to her extra time she isn't reimbursed for, she works about 20 days less a year than me, as a full time worker.

 

But being a teacher is a much more stressful job for the pay than many other comparable ones.

 

I make a lot more than her and I totally recognize that my job is a joke in stress compared to hers.

 

It has never even entered my mind to attempt to get my wife to pick up a second job. If we had financial issues we would just adjust our finances, not get my wife to take another job on top of her current full time one.

 

It sounds like he simply doesn't respect your profession more than he thinks you need to make more money.

 

I would worry that disrespect for you extends into other aspects of your relationship.

Yes, if I am expected to foot your bills, including paying your half of shared bills. It wouldn't matter how much he makes if this is the case.

 

Is he paying your bills or your share of them?

No he pays none of my bills and we do not live together. If we were to live together I would contribute to living expenses and he knows that.

No he pays none of my bills and we do not live together. If we were to live together I would contribute to living expenses and he knows that.

 

If this still the same guy where you are on/off, the one who doesn't respect you in so many ways, shows up late for you in particular, but not for others, etc? The one you keep thinking that you are going to teach him and fix? That one?

Oh. My. Gosh.

 

I have No. Words.

 

Wait, yes I do have words: Leave him. Wow.

 

ETA: OK I'm adding to my post because this is so heinous I don't know where to begin.

 

You are in a profession for which you are passionate, but it unfortunately doesn't pay a lot. Don't get me started on how much more I think we should pay teachers, firemen, and police.

 

You happen to get the summer off. Guess what....most teachers work well beyond normal hours during the work year. Most teachers I know work at home at night, putting together programs, grading papers, doing school plays, etc. All sorts of stuff. So I bet if you added the total hours worked in a year, it's as much, or more, than your idiot boyfriend works.

Thank you! Unfortunatley all the jobs in the helping profession or teaching profession pay way too little! And he knows that. Most of what I do is reward based. The reward is greater than salary. It's unfortunate but it's what I want. He doesnt see that aspect. He just sees money. And secondly when we get off in the summer, he wants me to get a second job. Since I havent done that he says I lack ambition and it turns him off. Meanwhile thats the nature of the job. I try to explain that. Not to mention the stress of the job !!

Thank you! Unfortunatley all the jobs in the helping profession or teaching profession pay way too little! And he knows that. Most of what I do is reward based. The reward is greater than salary. It's unfortunate but it's what I want. He doesnt see that aspect. He just sees money. And secondly when we get off in the summer, he wants me to get a second job. Since I havent done that he says I lack ambition and it turns him off. Meanwhile thats the nature of the job. I try to explain that. Not to mention the stress of the job !!

I am guessing that since you will not state if this is the guy from your earlier posts that it is indeed him...?

 

I read some of the stuff you wrote in the past.

 

This relationship seems to have a lot more issues than him not respecting your job enough...

 

I would imagine there are a lot of issues you could bring up but it is the larger holistic ones that are making all the smaller ones.

 

Addressing the large amount of secondary issues isn't going to fix the big ones.

Why are you even defending yourself when you are in a noble profession? Is this same the cheap turd who made you drive to him all the time?