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Thread: Possible internet addiction and feeling neglected

  1. #1

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    Possible internet addiction and feeling neglected

    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a while now and he just moved in with me recently. Before we were in a long distance relationship, he lived in a different state about a 5 to 6 hour drive from me, so we would take turns visiting each other once or twice a month. But ever since he moved in it feels like our dynamic together has changed. He spends all day on his computer or phone playing games or on social media. The only time we really spend time together is when we every now and then go out somewhere. Iím starting to feel not important anymore when at the beginning we did everything together and loved spending time together. He was very affectionate but now itís like weíre an old married couple. I know it will never be like when we first started dating but as I stands now Iím not getting what I need from him. I donít know how much longer I can stand to see him sit at his computer all day playing computer games. Heíd even rather check his phone then be sexually physically with me, even though we hardly do that now in the first place, which used to be sometimes twice a day and now is more like once or twice a week. I have no idea how to bring this up with him since Iím not really a confrontational person. I guess my question is what should I say or do? I donít want things to end but itís really bothering me how things are going and making me resent him. What should I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Transitioning from a long-distance relationship to a local relationship with someone can be just as stressful as moving away from a partner. Since the two of you were always in a long-distance relationship, you didn't really know how he would be as a partner once you closed the gap. Long-distance relationships allow both partners to have a lot of independence, and before you moved in together, he didn't have to worry about his internet and social media habits. Sadly, LDRs are riddled with fantasy and idealization of the other person, and currently you're having to face the reality of what your boyfriend is really like.

    The first step would be to talk to your him openly and honestly about how his behavior makes you feel, and what you would like to see change in your relationship. There is no guarantee that he will want to or be able to meet your expectations, but I think it's worth the shot after such a serious investment. In the meantime, start figuring out what you will do if you decide to breakup and move out.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Stop thinking of communication as confrontation when you will be stating your needs. If you don't think you're important, then you will accept men treating you like a doormat, and possibly even attract the type of man who is seeking a spineless noodle so he can behave badly and get away with it.

    How do you have a good discussion where a person should be receptive to hearing you and wanting to please you? Use "I" sentences, like "I'd like" or "I want" instead of "You" sentences such as "You never" or "You always." He can't argue with you about your likes, whereas if you use the "you" examples, it will come off as nagging and he could probably find some element to argue about with that type of discussion.

    Example: I'd like a two-hour period every day where we are electronics-free, so we can have quality time together.

    It's more fun if we cook together.

    Let's give each other massages. I bought some new massage oil.

    I feel really loved when you hold my hand while we're watching t.v. together.

    If he balks at turning electronics off, then you can get further into depth about how you feel: I feel lonely in my own house. This is what I envisioned having a lifetime companion (tell him your ideas of a great life that would be fulfilling to you.)

    I'd like us to try (......) because I'm really bored with you doing your own thing and me being in the same room without us having any genuine, warm connection.

    Your needs are important too. If he doesn't want to please you, then he doesn't care and it's time to realize you two are not compatible or he's too immature to put in the effort it takes to be in a longterm romantic relationship. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  4. #4
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    How long have you been dating, and how long have you been living together? How old are you both? Is he working?

    There is no need to confront him, so to speak. Sit him down, and talk to him. Explain that you are concerned about the direction things are heading, and would like to set up more quality time together (technology-free) Work together to choose a day of the week you can designate as your date day/night, and find activities to do together that you would both enjoy. I would present this not as "us vs. technology" but rather balancing couple time with individual free time. As it stands, the relationship is completely imbalanced.

    If he can't or won't agree to this, you have a difficult decision to make.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    All very good advice. But when I have used "I want" sentences with my bf, he rebuttles with "you want, you want...it's all about YOU!" Sometimes you just can't win.

    We're old thoÖ.and don't have to deal with internet/game addiction. I think my 30 yr. old son has it. I don't know how his gf's stand it. So have no advice...but what is above. Take it. It will only get worse. And the one thing I have found...in my 60 year old life...is resentment kills love faster than anything!!!!!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. "You're not who I thought you were and I think it's best that you move out. It's simply not working out for me".
    Originally Posted by Topwolf78
    my question is what should I say or do?

  8. #7

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    I did have a talk with him and things seem to be doing a lot better now. Only time will tell if the change is for good but for now we are spending more time together and heís lessened his computer use a bit. Thanks for the advice, he was really open when I expressed my feelings to him.


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