Should I ask him about what happened on his trip?

Hello there, I am new to the forum and I hope I am doing this right (feel free to delete if I posted in the wrong place or something!). I'm in a really weird place right now and am saving up for counseling, but I would be so grateful if anyone had any idea how to handle this.

I have been married for 8 years, no kids, and about a month ago, I came across some sexting messages between my husband and a colleague.One of the social media accounts he was using was logged in on one of my devices from forever ago, and when I connected the device to wifi after it had been disconnected for a long time, I saw the message notifications. I brought it up to him and he confessed that they had been intimate and going on dates for about a month, and had been "talking" for a few months prior to. She is also married, and I do not think her husband has a clue what is going on from what I can tell. I don't *think* my husband and this colleague have had sex, but based on those messages I saw, it definitely doesn't seem off the table and they certainly seem to have done everything else.

After I found out, he carried on with what he was doing, at least once a day, trying to have alone time with her after work. He knew that I knew, and claims that he didn't want to "hurt" me, but he still kept doing it.

While this is happening, I tried to create some distance, but logistically, it's been so hard because we share a car, bank account, and we work part-time together professionally. Neither one of us are in a position to get up and leave temporarily (which I thought about doing out of sheer anger and frustration and heartbreak and all those things), so I'm pretty much stuck, staying in this house with him, sharing a car, while he carries on with this (we are also living in a new state and have practically no community or friends here yet).

Well, last Saturday, everything hit the fan. He was working 1.5 hours away from home that day and since we carpool, I had to take him and go pick him up. He told me he was getting off "late" (which I knew was code for: he wanted to spend more time with the colleague), but I went down there about an hour early just to get a coffee and walk around. Which. by the way, I have done this for YEARS when I have had to pick him up late. And as much as I had thought about confronting her/them on this, I gained some self-control, and decided that I would just go off down the road by myself and wait for him to get done, as much as it was killing me and I felt like it was destroying my dignity. He even told me where he was going to be, so I could avoid them.

Or so I thought.

I ended up walking right up on them, and they were laying together in the grass, making out. Naturally, I was furious and heartbroken but miraculously I kept silent. For about 60 seconds. Then, I called out to him and said, "Hey [his name] I'll be waiting down the road whenever you're ready" and then I walked off. I don't know why I said that...but I had to say something--I just couldn't hold it in anymore and I guess...I thought maybe there was a chance he would get up and come running after me, but he didn't. So I decided to leave. I got in the car and went straight home, and just left him down there.

About ten minutes later, he calls me, furious. He "can't believe" I left him down there and that I wasn't going to come back and get him. Well, I couldn't believe that was literally all he cared about after I had just seen him laying with another woman after 8 years of marriage. I just couldn't stand the thought of driving home with him. So he ended up having to get a super expensive Uber ride home. He slept on the couch that night, and the next morning (this past Sunday morning) he claimed to feel terrible. Apparently, weeks ago, the colleague told him that if anything ever happened like that (where they were *caught* in the act), it was over. So he told me it was over. And for the next day, he voluntarily just started saying all the right things:

1. He had been selfish

2. He was open to going to counseling

3. Hehadimagined a future with her, but whenever he did, he said it was just him "sitting in his selfishness" and it wasn't right

4. Even though he had feelings for her, there were all these little things that she wasn't, that I still was and whenever he was with her it still wasn't "the same"

5. He claimed that it was over

Now, here's where it gets complicated:

The next morning, this past Monday, he went on a week-long out of town, business trip that was already planned. And you guessed it, she is on this trip too. I want to believe so badly that he has not done anything with her on this trip, but it was SO recent (last Saturday) when they said they "cut it off" so I am highly skeptical. So here's the question: When he gets back in town this coming Sunday, do Iaskhim about it? Do I wait to see how he is? We have talked some while he has been on this trip, but not every much. Is it right for me to know what happened? Or should I just leave it alone until we get to counseling?

I really do love my husband and I also know that he has been dealing with a lot of depression (recently lost 2 very close loved ones in the past year). I also know I have some things I need to work on (I too deal with depression) which is why I want to go to counseling soon. I'm just trying to see if I should just let things play out until we can both get counseling, or if I should ask about this colleague when he gets back from this trip...

Thanks to anyone who read all of this.

Depression is no excuse for cheating. A death of a loved one is no excuse for cheating. Honestly, he willfully cheated - admitted it, but told you he didn't want to hurt you so didn't tell you - you caught him RED HANDED IN THE ACT - so now i think its time to speak to an attorney. I think that you should schedule a counseling appointment for yourself. If he will go to counseling, schedule the soonest someone reputable can get you in even if you need to call around.

btw, nothing less than him putting out his resume and leaving the company he works at her with, blocking her number and going to counseling would be acceptable to me. If he doesn't leave where he works with her, he is not serious. I think i would talk to an attorney anyway -- without his knowledge -- this is not a drunken mistake. its systematic cheating

You sat idly by, while he romanced another woman. Nothing changed for him. He still had his carpool buddy, his home and his wife to come home to, if he chose to. There were no consequences for his actions. Certainly not by you.

You snuck up on the idea of leaving `out of sheer anger' but didn't? . .as if that action was inconceivable?

The only one that had the back bone to enforce a consequence was the gf. Apparently her marriage was more important than having an affair. At least at the time and now he crawls back saying what you want to hear? Is there any sincerity to this or is this strictly for his benefit? Because he clearly did not care about how this affected you just the day before.

He's out of town with her and you `think' nothing might be going on but are too afraid to ask?

Girl. Where is your self respect? , because he clearly does not respect you.

There is no reconciliation in a marriage where there is the total lack of decency, trust and respect.

Change the locks, take the car and call an attorney.

OP, at the risk of being blunt, you are far too passive in all of this.

Yes, of course you have the right to know if he's been with her on this trip. You are his wife, for heaven's sake. Will he tell you the truth? Probably not. But don't for a moment think you have to bringing this up.

Unfortunately, I am quite sure the only reason he suddenly "realized" that he's being "selfish" (ain't that a euphemism!) and wants to work on the marriage is because he knows his girlfriend will probably want to dump him now that she knows you know. She had previously threatened to stop seeing him if anyone found out, so now he's worried his security net (you) won't be there as a back-up plan.

I would contact a lawyer to figure out exactly what your rights are in the event of a separation, as I feel that's probably where this marriage is eventually going. I'm sorry you're going through this; he is awful.

Depression is no excuse for cheating. A death of a loved one is no excuse for cheating. Honestly, he willfully cheated - admitted it, but told you he didn't want to hurt you so didn't tell you - you caught him RED HANDED IN THE ACT - so now i think its time to speak to an attorney. I think that you should schedule a counseling appointment for yourself. If he will go to counseling, schedule the soonest someone reputable can get you in even if you need to call around.

Thanks for reminding me of this. You're right, it's not an excuse. It helps reading someone else saying it. I will definitely schedule counseling for myself. Thank you

btw, nothing less than him putting out his resume and leaving the company he works at her with, blocking her number and going to counseling would be acceptable to me. If he doesn't leave where he works with her, he is not serious. I think i would talk to an attorney anyway -- without his knowledge -- this is not a drunken mistake. its systematic cheating

He did say on Sunday before he left that he was going to look for another job (the job's not great anyway). But I'm just not sure how serious he is...I honestly hadn't thought about an attorney yet because financially I'm not ready, but maybe I can find some free consulting somewhere

You sat idly by, while he romanced another woman. Nothing changed for him. He still had his carpool buddy, his home and his wife to come home to, if he chose to. There were no consequences for his actions. Certainly not by you.

 

You snuck up on the idea of leaving `out of sheer anger' but didn't? . .as if that action was inconceivable?

 

The only one that had the back bone to enforce a consequence was the gf. Apparently her marriage was more important than having an affair. At least at the time and now he crawls back saying what you want to hear? Is there any sincerity to this or is this strictly for his benefit? Because he clearly did not care about how this affected you just the day before.

 

He's out of town with her and you `think' nothing might be going on but are too afraid to ask?

Girl. Where is your self respect? , because he clearly does not respect you.

 

There is no reconciliation in a marriage where there is the total lack of decency, trust and respect.

 

Change the locks, take the car and call an attorney.

Thanks for your response...

I know I must sound really out of my mind, but honestly, I think I have been. I don't feel like myself. I have been in such a rut since this happen, I've missed work, and I haven't even been able to bring myself to talk to anyone. It's been bad, but posting here and hearing others tell me how bad it is helps, honestly. It's helping me wake up. Even without money I know I have got to change my mindset. I'm trying to get into logistics mode now:

- We live in an apartment and getting out of this lease would be so freaking expensive, and we rely on 2 incomes to pay the rent.

- I don't have anyone within thousands of miles that I can stay with because I don't know anyone on this side of the country yet

- I cannot afford long distance traveling right now to go back to my hometown. Even if I did, my closest loved ones are strapped too and don't have much room (hence why we left that town). That's what SUCKS. This is coming on the heels of the worst freaking financial season of my life.

- He and I (the gf won't be there) literally got contracted to take a work trip together next week, that will actually pay me rather well and I kinda NEED to take it contractually and financially

So now, I have a honest question: so, I'm supposed to be picking him from the airport when he gets back on Sunday, and practically speaking, this trip they went on...they HAVE been working insane hours and I do think it IS possible that they have not been doing anything, even if it's nothing because of the sheer nature of the industry we work in (I have been on similar trips and there's barely time to sit down and eat lunch properly). Of course I don't know for sure, but it's like one of the 6am to midnight things,

A. Do I pick him up from the airport and ask him if it's still broken off with her, and give him an ultimatum of some sort?

OR

B. Considering what he's already done, tell him I am no longer picking him up from the airport and just stay distant emotionally until I can figure out how to make my next move in creating physical distance?

OR

C. Pick him up from the airport and just keep my distance emotionally, until I can figure out how to make my next move in creating physical distance?

OP, at the risk of being blunt, you are far too passive in all of this.

 

Yes, of course you have the right to know if he's been with her on this trip. You are his wife, for heaven's sake. Will he tell you the truth? Probably not. But don't for a moment think you have to bringing this up.

 

Unfortunately, I am quite sure the only reason he suddenly "realized" that he's being "selfish" (ain't that a euphemism!) and wants to work on the marriage is because he knows his girlfriend will probably want to dump him now that she knows you know. She had previously threatened to stop seeing him if anyone found out, so now he's worried his security net (you) won't be there as a back-up plan.

 

I would contact a lawyer to figure out exactly what your rights are in the event of a separation, as I feel that's probably where this marriage is eventually going. I'm sorry you're going through this; he is awful.

Thanks, you are right. I have been too passive. And it's annoying because I'm not normally like this in life. I'm usually a lot stronger, but this caught me off guard and I have not had the right mindset and haven't been able to get myself together to talk to anyone.

I've been hesitant to call a lawyer because I know I don't have the money, but I need to figure this out. I do know that years ago, he was always fearful that someday I would just get up and leave him. And I also know that it drives him crazy when I ignore him. I just have to put my foot down more. Thanks for being real with me.

 

A. Do I pick him up from the airport and ask him if it's still broken off with her, and give him an ultimatum of some sort?

 

OR

 

B. Considering what he's already done, tell him I am no longer picking him up from the airport and just stay distant emotionally until I can figure out how to make my next move in creating physical distance?

 

OR

 

C. Pick him up from the airport and just keep my distance emotionally, until I can figure out how to make my next move in creating physical distance?

Seeing you are in a difficult situation with no clear plans or option, I vote for B or C.

The trust was broken the moment he chose to cheat. Asking him if he's still doing so, is pointless. Would you believe any answer he gave you?

What do you want to do?

Do you want to try and save the marriage and work things out? Then you better wake up and start showing some emotion and spark of life. Show your husband that you are hurt and that you give a sh$t about more than just paying rent. You shouldn't be asking, you should be demanding that he is accountable to you about where he is, what he is doing and with who, he should be an open book to you going forward. In addition to that, yes absolutely you will need marital counseling. The reason I'm saying this is that you come across so so passive. He tells you that he won't quit her and you seem to accept it? He tells you he'll be "late" because he'll be fck'ig around and you still go to pick him up like you couldn't care less..... Do you realize that he only started apologizing to you when you finally showed some semblance of a spark and self respect and left him there?

If you want to divorce him and that would be 100% warranted, then go talk to a lawyer and learn in detail what you can and cannot do and how. Plenty of lawyers offer free initial consultations. Money is not an excuse not to get a grip on your legal rights. Also, start looking for a full time job and sorting out how to make do without sharing finances with him. A roommate may be an option at least temporarily. Renting a room cheaply at some retiree's house, etc. Look around.

You mentioned a list of obstacles that prevents you from possibly leaving.

Anyone in your situation faces challenges and leaving a marriage is never, ever easy. Your situation is not unique unless you make it so.

If you want to leave, you find a way

I was you in another life. I was a 40yr housewife with no marketable skills, two small children and no emotional support.

It didn't happen over night but at some point I consulted with an attorney, changed the locks and had to just have faith everything would be alright.

. . And it was.

What do you want to do?

 

Do you want to try and save the marriage and work things out? Then you better wake up and start showing some emotion and spark of life. Show your husband that you are hurt and that you give a sh$t about more than just paying rent. You shouldn't be asking, you should be demanding that he is accountable to you about where he is, what he is doing and with who, he should be an open book to you going forward. In addition to that, yes absolutely you will need marital counseling. The reason I'm saying this is that you come across so so passive. He tells you that he won't quit her and you seem to accept it? He tells you he'll be "late" because he'll be fck'ig around and you still go to pick him up like you couldn't care less..... Do you realize that he only started apologizing to you when you finally showed some semblance of a spark and self respect and left him there?

 

If you want to divorce him and that would be 100% warranted, then go talk to a lawyer and learn in detail what you can and cannot do and how. Plenty of lawyers offer free initial consultations. Money is not an excuse not to get a grip on your legal rights. Also, start looking for a full time job and sorting out how to make do without sharing finances with him. A roommate may be an option at least temporarily. Renting a room cheaply at some retiree's house, etc. Look around.

Thanks for that...I have definitely been too passive and I am seeing that now. This is literally the first day I have even talked about it, outside of my own head. I honestly haven't been in the right frame of mind to even deal with this. When stuff happens, I shut down and I withdraw. And that's what I've done here. But you are right, once I started showing some emotion and confidence, he realized that I wasn't going to just sit here and let him do whatever he wants.

I know this from having been with him for 9 years is that, whenever I mind my own business and ignore him that's when he really straightens up. I just need to keep doing that. It's so hard because man, this stuff is depressing and my mind hasn't been right, but I can't let him walk over me anymore. I honestly think that's the first step right now, especially for this weekend

You mentioned a list of obstacles that prevents you from possibly leaving.

 

Anyone in your situation faces challenges and leaving a marriage is never, ever easy. Your situation is not unique unless you make it so.

 

If you want to leave, you find a way

 

I was you in another life. I was a 40yr housewife with no marketable skills, two small children and no emotional support.

 

It didn't happen over night but at some point I consulted with an attorney, changed the locks and had to just have faith everything would be alright.

. . And it was.

Yea, I know that if I could leave, I could. Finances are definitely a bummer, but you are right, it doesn't make it impossible.

I'm just trying to work through why I don't want to leave. It's not because I think he's just the best thing in the world and there's nothing better, but because I'm huge on investment and the way I see it is: yes, I love him, and yes, I have feelings for him, but I have freakin been there for him and with him through the worst things. We have built a whole life together and I know we don't have kids but after 1 month of physical infidelity, I am not sure I am ready to throw that away. I know a lot of people disagree with me on that but that's something I am working through. Because it's how I honestly feel. It doesn't mean that I want to be walked over, but yea, I really have got to sort through what I want and why I want it.

You need to get some space away from him. Reading all that made me want to pick up by the shoulders and shake you. You are letting this slide too easily. You're behaving very very passively, it's mind boggling. It's no wonder he doesn't respect you.

We teach people how to treat us. Giving him another chance = him never stopping. Separate and divorce. That's the only way forward.

If you bought a package of chicken and cooked and ate it and it gave you food poisoning, would you go ahead and eat the rest of it because you "invested" money and you don't want it to go to waste?

You know, time spent in a bad relationship shouldn't sentence you to life imprisonment in that bad relationship. You do have the right to be married to someone who loves and respects you. Your husband doesn't, unfortunately.

If you bought a package of chicken and cooked and ate it and it gave you food poisoning, would you go ahead and eat the rest of it because you "invested" money and you don't want it to go to waste?

 

You know, time spent in a bad relationship shouldn't sentence you to life imprisonment in that bad relationship. You do have the right to be married to someone who loves and respects you. Your husband doesn't, unfortunately.

You are so right...and if the relationship had been bad, I understand that, but even though last year was the hardest time for us, our marriage has been loving and healthy and we have respected each other.

Last year, he lost 2 close loved ones (that were a part of his everyday life) in tragic ways at separate times and he did not deal with it well. He still has not processed that grief and he knows he hasn't. Slowly but surely, he has been seeing a bright side of life and:

6 months ago, HE came to ME saying that he wanted to start trying to have a child with me, and if either of us found out we had problems reproducing, he wanted to adopt. He brought this up to me without me saying a single thing. And I was happy and on board with it. The last time he brought up this dream of having kids or adopting privately was Memorial Day, and then, he brought it up to his FATHER, in front of me, a WEEK ago! While this stuff is going on!

3 months ago, he wanted to start a business together. He got a business license and business bank account in both of our names.

3 months ago, he wanted to joined a gym and wanted me to get a membership with him and I did! We started going together.

3 months ago, he also started texting this coworker (that's what he tells me)

1 month ago, he made out with her and started being intimate and going on dates with her

These are only a few things, but I hope it shows how it's been confusing! I could see if we fought all the time or lived completely separate lives, but these are just things off the top of my head that I remember. I'm just so confused. I get it, it's wrong what he is doing, but would somebody really go out of their way to do all these things just to get ready to have an affair?

It just doesn't make sense. He's has such a "tell it like it is" / straightforward personality, so it's so hard to believe that all of these good things were just lies

You need to get some space away from him. Reading all that made me want to pick up by the shoulders and shake you. You are letting this slide too easily. You're behaving very very passively, it's mind boggling. It's no wonder he doesn't respect you.

 

We teach people how to treat us. Giving him another chance = him never stopping. Separate and divorce. That's the only way forward.

Definitely working on being able to get my space from him. Today is the first day I have talked about it and I am realizing how ridiculous this is. I'm not ready to throw the relationship away emotionally, but I am not going to let him know that. I need to start letting him feel the weight of my absence and what he has done.

If you bought a package of chicken and cooked and ate it and it gave you food poisoning, would you go ahead and eat the rest of it because you "invested" money and you don't want it to go to waste?

 

You know, time spent in a bad relationship shouldn't sentence you to life imprisonment in that bad relationship. You do have the right to be married to someone who loves and respects you. Your husband doesn't, unfortunately.

deleted. . . . .

Actions speak louder than words. He did it cos he could. It's nothing due to depression or confusion. He knows exactly what he's doing. It's a little thrill and he doesn't care about u the way he should.

Don't stay.

I wonder how "depressed" he was feeling while he was kissing and groping that other woman.

Are you going to stay if he continues this affair?

^ even if he stopped (which he wouldn't) other affairs will pop up in the near future. He'd get involved with other women and it'll never end. I really hope the OP finds the self love and courage to leave.

I wouldn't ask if they "broke up". I would ask "Are you still cheating??"

Honestly, talk to an attorney. Figure our your rights.

You can kick him out of the apartment.

He can sleep on a friend's couch after you serve him.

You can find an ad for a woman who is looking for a roommate (widowed or divorced woman looking for another woman who is not a college student so she can keep her house by renting a room, etc)

When it comes to infidelity, there's absolutely nothing new under the sun.

To understand, read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book!)

Lester, I'm curious...why do you always instruct people to keep that book hidden?