small town world - moving on

I think I know the answer to this question, but I am curious to hear your thoughts!

About 13 years ago, I moved back to a small town (where I grew up), for a job in a field that I was studying in at the time - Town Planning.

It was a disaster in so many ways - I was so shy and quiet, and did not thrive in this local government job. It was a temporary position, and after it finished, I started a business with some family members, and this is still going. It is actually doing really well, and is a lot of fun to work in, so it is good that it happened. I have almost established myself in a professional sense.

But the whole experience was not without some road bumps. Someone I met recently was talking about small towns: 'there are basically two options: smoke weed or play football' - and while she rejected both, I definitely got caught up with cannabis. From the point of view where I am now, I don't know why I ever smoked, but, I was smoking occasionally through my 20s, so I guess it had a hook in my mind.

I became a full-time smoker, and with mental illness, this can be a bit of a disaster. It was kind of a mess. I admit.

During this time, I met the person I talk about in my journal. I met him in a cafe - he was a waiter.

There were some uncomfortable moments, and it was messy socially, but now, that I have cut him out of my life finally, I still see updates from the cafe he used to work at.

They are too cool for school. And today they posted this most amazing photo of a sunrise, over the lake just outside their cafe, saying 'no complaints living on the coast' etc.

It just really got me in the guts. They do not follow me on Instagram, and there has always been a kind of animosity, due to the irregular behaviour of the past.

I was never suited to country town living. I have too much 'freak' or too much 'spunk' perhaps, to live in the country, and I always felt like I was drowning in a tiny fishbowl. When I got the city, I gave up cannabis, I started making close friends with nice people my age, and doing stuff on the weekends. I wouldn't change a thing about the last few years, but the cafe Instagram post still upsets me. Sometimes I dream about this whole world they are a part of, with their beautiful sunrises, and amazing birds, but I am not allowed in, and not allowed to participate.

I hope I know what you are going to say, I need to unfollow them from Instagram, so that I can heal and move on, and ignore them.

It is sad, but I think this is the end. I have already made my personal instagram account private, so only my friends can see this.

Thanks for your thoughts :-) and for listening.

Can you clarify, is this cafe in the small town? It's the lake views in the small town you feel jealous of? What about their world is so enticing to you? What makes you feel you can't be apart of it?

It's very confusing to me...you hate small towns so you moved to a city but you're envious of their small town life?? Do I have this right?

I grew up in a big city, the biggest in Canada, and moved away for small town life and many years on a farm, and I wouldnt trade it for anything. The city has no allure for me. People often want what they dont have and when they get it, they find it's not so great after all, like moving from a small town to a big city. You are basing your friend's happiness on sunsets. Photos of sunsets can be taken by anyone any evening and if it's by a body of water, it looks even more enticing. Doesnt mean they are any happier than you, they just took a photo you find to be cool.

Life is what you make it. You say you like your job so that's great, many people hate their job and do nothing about it. I really dont know what you are asking, but can assure you the grass isnt always greener on the other side.

Can you clarify, is this cafe in the small town? It's the lake views in the small town you feel jealous of? What about their world is so enticing to you? What makes you feel you can't be apart of it?

 

It's very confusing to me...you hate small towns so you moved to a city but you're envious of their small town life?? Do I have this right?

Hi indea08, thanks so much for your reply!

I am sorry for the confusion. Yes, the cafe is in the small town, but it is not the views so much, that bother me, I think it is their connection to the boy's life who I have just cut out of my life - because he was never going to get any deeper. Their world is so enticing, perhaps because they made it work in that beautiful small town, when I definitely could not make it work. They rejected me years ago, but the connection has been open on my end. It is scary and hard, but I think it is time to unfollow them, so that I can heal and move on. Take back some self respect in a way. This has been lacking in this situation.

I am not envious of their small town lives, and I don't hate small towns, per se. I just always do so much better in the city. It is a beautiful town and it is nice to go back for holidays sometimes, as my family lives there. Does that make a little more sense?

Cheers!

Chai :-)

I grew up in a big city, the biggest in Canada, and moved away for small town life and many years on a farm, and I wouldnt trade it for anything. The city has no allure for me. People often want what they dont have and when they get it, they find it's not so great after all, like moving from a small town to a big city. You are basing your friend's happiness on sunsets. Photos of sunsets can be taken by anyone any evening and if it's by a body of water, it looks even more enticing. Doesnt mean they are any happier than you, they just took a photo you find to be cool.

 

Life is what you make it. You say you like your job so that's great, many people hate their job and do nothing about it. I really dont know what you are asking, but can assure you the grass isnt always greener on the other side.

Hi melancholy123,

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you are right, it is definitely horses for courses with this stuff. While you (and many others) love the small town life, me (and many others) thrive more in the city. I have found that pretty much everything that I hoped I would find in the city has been 100 % correct, and I plan to stay here. I love it.

I am now drilling down into what it is about that photo of the sunrise that bothers me so much. I think it is more the fact that they don't love me, and have rejected me in the past. It is probably human nature to be a bit resentful when someone (or a group of people) hurts me, and in that weak moment, I reacted to the fact that they are so satisfied with their lives - this was the message behind the caption to their photo. They made the small town life work for them when I couldn't.

I don't want what they have, because I was desperately unhappy for most of the time that I lived there. I think I just don't want to be aware of the triumphs of people that hurt me. And therefore, I think I will just unfollow them. It is all part of the healing process, I think.

Thanks again!

Chai :-)

Why do you assume that what they write reflects reality -how they are really feeling? Yet again -this happens regularly on Facebook - a friend who for days has posted fab vacation photos will private message me as to how stressful it's all been, family drama, etc - the opposite of the impression of the photos. I am not upset with her -I just think it's commonplace to do that.

Yes, good point Batya! People do have a tendency to try and make their lives look sparkly, fun and amazing on social media. I guess that is how people want to be seen. I do it too to some extent. I never post about some of my darker moments, I only post on Facebook when I am bubbling over with happiness and want to share it. So my friends definitely don't get a fully balanced view of who I am. I guess this is one of the realities of social media.

Bottom line though, they don't love me. So, I would rather not put myself in a position to know what I am missing. :-)

Hope you have a great day / evening / sleep! And thanks for your thoughts :-)

Yes, good point Batya! People do have a tendency to try and make their lives look sparkly, fun and amazing on social media. I guess that is how people want to be seen. I do it too to some extent. I never post about some of my darker moments, I only post on Facebook when I am bubbling over with happiness and want to share it. So my friends definitely don't get a fully balanced view of who I am. I guess this is one of the realities of social media.

 

Bottom line though, they don't love me. So, I would rather not put myself in a position to know what I am missing. :-)

 

Hope you have a great day / evening / sleep! And thanks for your thoughts :-)

So to me it is not one of the realities of social media. It is the reality of those people who choose to use social media in this way. I never have and I never, ever will. And I am on social media -Facebook -daily and have been on Facebook for 9 years through getting married, having a child, getting my dream job - and several memorable vacations and a number of family and personal accomplishments And

I do not do what you described and never will. I write this because I am tired of social media being blamed. It is everyone's choice how to use social media (or not to use it at all). I brush it off when my friends post so selectively and I try very hard not to compare myself to others' lives if social media is my main or only view of their lives.

Hi Batya,

Great to hear you have such a healthy grip on your use of social media. I think you make a good point 'social media is not to blame' for how SOME people use it.

Cheers,

Chai :-)

Hi Batya,

 

Great to hear you have such a healthy grip on your use of social media. I think you make a good point 'social media is not to blame' for how SOME people use it.

 

Cheers,

Chai :-)

I don't know if it's healthy but to me it makes just good common sense. I do think that it makes it easier for those who don't like to put in the time to meet people in real life not to have to do so because they can "interact" on social media. But that's because they're not so inclined in the first place. Several times -many times? - women have posted in my facebook groups about wanting new friends desperately. People reach out with suggestions on meeting. From what I can tell there is no follow through. And I will private message, be met with enthusiasm about getting together -until it's time to actually get together. And sure it might be "me" and that's cool but I know it's not because they don't like me or anything like that - they just realize that while they say they want friends they don't want to put in the time to actually make a plan and meet -even with flexibility. If I blogged I could fill many posts with the myriad excuses, with the follow ups weeks later of how sorry they were about not meeting, things are crazy, should be better in a few weeks, etc. Then nothing. Our lives are super busy but actions speak louder than words and if a person really wants real life friends it takes planning, effort and showing up. I'm willing and I do my very best so I know what it takes.

Yes, I think you have observed an interesting disconnect about the process of building friendships in the modern world. I guess there could be all sorts of reasons why people who are happy to chat online never end up meeting up in person. I think for some people the jump between 'text chatting' and talking face to face, may be too big and too scary. I know for myself, when I used to use online dating sites, I often felt very uncomfortable to move the connection from 'text' to real life. It just felt so confronting to me to kind of be familiar with someone, but not really, and then take that big step of meeting up in real life. My psychologist suggested that it was because I needed smaller steps in between. Micro steps, perhaps.

Alternatively, the prospect of actually going out into the world and talking face to face with people I know and also strangers, through meetup, is not nearly as uncomfortable to me. Obviously at the beginning, sometimes I would have to overcome some kind of anxiety about social situations, but I don't remember this ever being particularly challenging. For me, I find it easier to just meet people face to face straight off the bat and to continue that relationship in that channel, although obviously, I have started engaging with new friends I made online as well. Completely different role of social media.

To me, it is so hard to overcome that initial, but I guess kind of fantasy, or distinctly incomplete acquaintance with someone online. It is a bigger hurdle to overcome.

I actually think that meetup.com is one of the best forms of social media, because it connects people, but people actually get off their arses and into the world to do stuff together. It attracts the kind of person who are comfortable to relate on that level, so it is a kind of segment of potential friends and partners, I guess.

What do you think?

I actually like NorthDallas' approach to online dating. I find it inspiring. Get in, send a message and then go on a date. He is obviously very active in the real world with people he has 'met' online.

Maybe in a couple of months when I have done some healing, I might approach online dating in a similar way. Force myself to overcome that tricky hurdle. Maybe if I chat a lot less to people and just suggest a date straight away, that might reduce the liness of meeting someone who I have chatted to for a while.

It is all a good learning experience!