His friend and the cat conundrum

so i kind of am looking more to rant and maybe get a little bit of advice on a situation.

me and my partner have been together for nearly 2 years. to very happy years and the relationship is happy, i am happy, we are engaged and i'm sure he is my soulmate. But he has this friend. now he has aspergers, i have pretty much diagnosed him as adhd because of how he is in general is indicative of adhd and as someone who has studied psychology and health care that is what i get. i also think he may have memory issues but that is a different story all together. now as i site here typing this i am on the phone to my partner and his friend who is ALWAYS there and i mean freaking always minus the occasional span of a day or a couple of hours, is chatting away in the background and being a pain for my partner who is trying to sort stuff out.

now bare in mind i am 24 my partner is 28 and his friend is 49 and pretty much a father figure to him. i get that this man has been there for him through some tough times and up till today we had only had 2 actual arguments. what happened earlier this afternoon was that we were discussing something, me and the friend that is via his phone while he went to do something and then when i went to talk he kept cutting me off talking about something completely different to the point i was trying to make and it happened several times before me being hormonal as it is a particular time of the month got p!ssed off and just plain put the phone down on him and waited 5 mins to calm down. now i know this was an overreaction but here is the thing, when we cut him off when he is talking he will get passed the first time it happens and if i cut him off the amount he was cutting me off...i have seen him storm out the room throwing a temper tantrum like a child for being cut off less times than he had cut me off.

any way i called my partner back and he is having a moan in the background so my S.O said go on just ask her then so he got on the phone and asked if i put the phone down on purpose and i said yes getting ready to explain why when he told me to f*ck off (the friend that is) so im silently going when my partner comes back on and he asks why so i explain and apparently i was in the wrong because i was cutting the friend off while he was talking...and i was like no he was cutting me off then i heard his friend come back in the room (he stormed out and slammed the door after telling me to f off) so i said okay babe i'll call you back in a little bit to which my S.O said no you wont i said oh of course i will why wouldn't i to which he said well when you figure out why you can call back and then put the phone down on me.

so im like but im scared and upset im like does that mean and i really bloody love this guy like i'm in for the long run with him but im crying not knowing what to do because when i tried to call back he cut off the call. i leave it 20 mins till i stopped mostly crying and called back and i didnt know what to say and i am crying on the phone to him and i say sorry to him and he is like im not the one you should be saying sorry to. i told him i was feeling extra hormonal which was the truth hence why something so petty got me crying and he is like well i know you have been and i did say to *friends name here* that you have been recently because you have been in pain and you tom was on its way and such. so at this point my S.O is fine with me and we talk a little more because he is trying to calm me down more because i started to cry again and once he calmed me down he passed me back over to his friend who apologised to me and then said basically i owe him one and i just said catch me when i feel normal and i'll consider giving you an apology and that he should know that round this time of the month i do get funny and y etc etc because he has seen it many times and im crying and he goes oh are you actually crying or just doing that to make me feel sorry so i snapped do you want me to take a picture i have tears streaming down my face and pretty much have been like this since *insert S.O's name here* said what he said and put the phone down and then he started apologising more because i was crying harder at his audacity to even suggest that i may be faking being upset. he was saying how how he acted and reacted and behaved wasn't worth how i was now etc.

now this is the first time it has gotten to this extent with this friend and i do like the man. but he does my head in. he seriously annoys me to the point i wish he would just leave. he is pervy, letcherious, has a uncalled for superiority complex which for someone who was one the gift kids register at there schools for a reason is to be frank down right f*cking annoying and makes me want to slap him. not to mention his other 1000's of bad traits that start and finish with the mans laziness, gluttony and poor hygiene skills. and i mean he won't walk the 2 ft to the actual f-ing bin to put a used tea bag in it he will just leave them all over the sides. his gluttony is repulsive and his poor hygiene skills...lets just say the other day when i was at my S.O's flat i was sat on the opposite end of a rather long couch and i could smell him. not just his B.O but his breath. going back to him being pervy and letcherious, i am the fiancee of the man he calls is his best friend but that apparently doesn't stop him from looking me up and down, full blow staring at my boobs (i am an e/f cup) and makes comments about how sexy and gorgeous i am and how if i ever broke up with my S.O he would have me. like dude no. 1 that's not going to happen and 2 if it did it wouldn't happen. he constantly gets in my space too which is for someone who have a bubble she only like certain people coming into...is...horrible.

i also forgot to mention he is type 2 diabetic and yes it does mean something. he is on 4 metformin a day which is apparently the max amount he can have and yeah when he is out of artificial sweetener which he isn't supposed to have he uses actual sugar. leaving everyone around him to deal with that...mess. my step dad doesn't like his friend after what shall be dubbed moving day as i was the day we moved my s.o's stuff from his old house to his new flat. why? because of how he spoke to my partner. because he spent until 4 pm in bed then because we had packed the milk got annoyed then while he was out we can back and packed up more stuff one of which was the kettle and he was on about us leaving the kettle but it was buried and he was being that nasty, pedantic and loud my stepdad heard him on the phone speaking to my s.o like that and ever since then he hasn't liked the man. but anyway i caused chaos because i said i don't care how many times you ask im not ragging everything out the car because you can't wait for a f-ing brew and he went mad and hung up and then ignored calls for hours...then peeved my dad off again by being idle and only helping when it was some of his stuff being pulled out the car. he speaks to my s.o like that alot and i point out to him when he is being needlessly pedantic but it actually feels like we have a 5 year old who is going through a stroppy adolescent phase.

i have said to my s.o that while he is around we don't need a child but in truth...i wouldn't want one while his friend is around because he has that many bad traits...i wouldn't want the child to pick up any of them as selfish as that sounds. never mind that but i couldn't even trust him to babysit a child. he doesn't even look after the cat. sure he throws some food down for her but he doesn't change her water or even top it up and full blown refuses to clean the litter tray. so how would he change a nappy?? he doesn't leave my s.o's flat much to go back to his own place because he doesn't like it apparently and would rather sleep on a couch somewhere that could actually get my s.o in trouble because of how much he is there the social housing could class him as living with my partner and he could get in serious trouble. then there is all this talk of my s.o becoming his carer and then oh i just remembered. here is a really good one for you. my s.o had already told me that once he has been in this flat for a year he can apply for a 2 person house/ flat meaning i could finally move in. when he told the friend this? oh great so i (as in himself) can move in with you. i was stood there like erm excuse me? then fake laughed and said what about me and it didn't even register with him he was like what my s.o had to explain to him he was thinking more about me moving in with him not well...him.

then there's my s.o's cat. i love and hate her. i love her when she is being no=ice and not annoying but that is only like 30% of the time. the rest of the time she is a full blown little who acts as if she is scared of me even though i have shown her nothing but motherly love. my s.o says i'm just too over affectionate so she hate it but hmm. but i do wish some times as bad as it sounds it would f off. and it's bad because i have a dog and my s.o loves him and i feel like such a cow. but i don't know what it is with this cat. between the ages of 11 and 17 my family have had 3 different cats...one was my step dads he was an outside cat and well...we had an evil neighbour who let his dog grab the poor think he had to be put to sleep sadly poor thing then there was the 2 female cats wo i also loved dearly 1 got ran over and the other came back pregnant and her violent evil nature got 100 times worse towards our dog who she used to get one with even after the kittens were born and gotten rid of she was still awful we had to keep them separated 100% of the time because after a few months of being mauled by the cat the dog wanted to kill it naturally we ended up rehoming her. but i loved all those cats despite there 3 different natures but this cat...i have tried with her i really have. bought her treats and stuff. nothing and to top it off she is boring because she doesnt play at all. she has to live with an elizabethan collar on recently because if my s.o or his friend takes it off she rips chunks out of herself and it is literally for no reason because we have taken her to the vets. when i'm there she can have it off because she behaves for me but the second i leave she is self harming. she belonged to mt s.o's ex who literally she was still living with him when we got together because he didn't want to just chuck her out because she had nowhere to go. but shortly after i turned up on the scene she left and left her cat which caused the cat to self harm and she hasn't really stopped since but between me and my s.o we have managed to grown he fur back and that.

anyway that was a bit off topic. back to this friend of his. the other day the cat was on his lap and he was using it as an excuse to not go do something he had been asked to do half hour prior when the cat was not on his lap and the way the cat was sat was right over his man area. so i picked up the cat by the scruff of her neck and put her on the floor to which he said you need to be nicer to the cat don't be so rough and mean with her so i let him say his piece and he kept going on about it for i timed it 45 minutes until i broke. i snapped back quote 'i picked the cat up like its mother would because i am sorry it it offends you but i refuse to put my hand down by you to pick her up the way you deem to be nicely' to which he went speechless and my s.o started laughing as he had been telling him to drop it for some time. the man also mis-remembers stuff like he turned around to my partner and said something i apparently said a few weeks ago and i was like i didn't say that and when i called him out he said i basically said that i said no i remember that conversation and i said *insert whatever it was here* because you said that that wasn't me dude that was you. well he argued black was blue but i have heard him say something that was wrong be corrected by my s.o then start an argument saying my s.o had said it then when everyone takes the person who is rights side, which by the way is hardly ever him, he throws a strop and commence a teenage slamming doors and childish stomping of feet.

oh did i mention on of the creepy things? i shall end with this then. at both my s.o's old house and at his current flat when he goes the toilet (the friend that is) he will stop outside the bedroom if we are both in there and listen to see if we are having sex. yes you read correctly and most of the time will only leave if he is called out on it or asked if he is okay. so with that i shall end this so any comments or advice you may have-other than leaving my partner because that will never ever happen. and yes i have suggested his friend gets a flat closer to where my s.o live so he can (i didnt phase it like this but still) f off and go stay in his own place and have his clothes and stuff there at his own place. i wouldn't even care if he live across the street from my s.o so long as he wasn't there 24/7. my s.o has even said about him not being at his as much but it feels like he goes out of his way to make sure he is there every time i am be it christmas, a date night or our anniversary.

p.s. the title is mostly because i think it sounds funny haha

Punctuation and capitals might make this more readable.

But he has this friend. now he has aspergers, i have pretty much diagnosed him as adhd because of how he is in general is indicative of adhd and as someone who has studied psychology and health care that is what i get.

I actually work in the mental health field. Unless you are a licensed professional using approved diagnostic testing with actual set data, you have no business to self-diagnose or diagnose an individual for a disability. Being a student of the field doesn’t cut it (especially with just a bachelors degree- you need a PhD to be qualified for diagnosing disabilities). That’s like someone saying they went through nursing school but aren’t in the practice. And as someone studying for a psych degree, you should know better than to potentially misdiagnose or mislabel someone.

In addition, I’m having a very difficult time processing your writing and the situation you described. I am seriously lost after reading paragraphs 2-4. All I got are phone conversations and arguing with ambiguity of the context (and at times, with who). It’s going all over the place with multiple issues stated. Even after re-reading, I’m still not understanding it. Is English not your first language? Please go back, edit your writing and get straight to the point of your concerns. You will receive more (and accurate) advice to your situation.

I actually work in the mental health field. Unless you are a licensed professional using approved diagnostic testing with actual set data, you have no business to self-diagnose or diagnose an individual for a disability. Being a student of the field doesn’t cut it (especially with just a bachelors degree- you need a PhD to be qualified for diagnosing disabilities). And as someone studying for a psych degree, you should know better than to potentially misdiagnose or mislabel someone.

 

In addition, I’m having a very difficult time processing your writing and the situation you described. I am seriously lost after reading paragraphs 2-4. All I got are phone conversations and arguing with ambiguity of the context (and at times, with whole). Its going all over the place. Even after re-reading, I’m still not understanding it. Is English not your first language? Please go back, edit your writing and get straight to the point of your concerns. You will receive more (and accurate) advice to your situation.

This.

+1

...

You say please don’t suggest leaving, but your boyfriend and this man are a package deal. If nothing changes how long will you stay? A week? 6 months? 5 years?

What you can do is lay down boundaries around how much you have to interact with this guy, it’s ok to not want to spend time around people who irk you

Oh btw, you NEVER pick up an adult cat by the scruff . That is what a mother does with tiny kittens not a full-grown animal . Picking up an adult animal by the scruff is actually abuse .

i have shown her nothing but motherly love. my s.o says i'm just too over affectionate

you need to stop pestering the cat. Many cats are on their own terms and do not like to be petted constantly. If the cat comes to you and is being sweet, gently pet the cat but don't chase after the cat like a 3 year old child who can't take the cat that the cat doesn't want constant attention. Picking up the cat by the scruff of the neck was just plain wrong to do -- you don't punish the cat because of what the friend did.

I honestly think you need to treat the cat a lot better as in letting the cat choose when the cat wants to interact.

Also, in addition, i think you need to set boundaries with this friend for when he is in your home if he comes there and if this man doesn't actually live with you guy, but is always there, maybe its time to set some boundaries where a date night is a date night - just the two of you. It is weird if the guy doesn't live there he is there while you are having sex. But i don't think its his fault - its your boyfriend's fault for not setting a boundary with him and allowing it and allowing him to always be constantly around.

to be clear -- when you marry are you sure you won't be inheriting this guy as a tenant?

nothing and to top it off she is boring because she doesnt play at all. she has to live with an elizabethan collar on recently because if my s.o or his friend takes it off she rips chunks out of herself and it is literally for no reason because we have taken her to the vets. when i'm there she can have it off because she behaves for me but the second i leave she is self harming.

so she is "boring" because she doesn't play? The poor cat is not their to entertain you. She probably is very stressed out when you are near her. Maybe an idea is for him to get a second cat for her to interact with -- make a good match of one at a nokill rescue that might help him matchmake the right cat. It could be any number of things.

But you are so all over the place and diagnosing someone else with ADD when you yourself write like you have it.

I couldn't understand your post to get far enough into any cat issues. However, I don't understand why you are having direct phone conversations with someone who you obviously don't like or get along with. Skip doing that, and that problem goes away.

Stop ****ing with the cat if it doesn't want to be played. And don't scruff it as an adult. It's an animal, not a toy. I raised one of my cats from a 4-week old kitten. She's plenty friendly but definitely not a cuddle bug. I didn't temper her to be that way. I want her to be a cat and as relatively happy and free as she can be while being restricted indoors. Some cats will be more naturally inclined to be cuddly or entertaining. Mine definitely has the entertaining aspect locked down, but not so much the snuggling (though the traitor will lie on my lady as she's a a human furnace).

Honestly, my bias there precludes me from commenting objectively on your other issues. At this point, I'd say take it or leave it.

There needs to be serious boundaries implemented in this relationship and unfortunately a lot of them need to come from your boyfriend since it is his place and his friend. I would start by having a chat with your boyfriend and mention having separate date nights like one of the posters suggested above. But a chat about establishing appropriate boundaries that are acceptable to both of you needs to be had. I am having a hard time imagining that another woman would put up with his presence all the time. I would definitely have a discussion with your boyfriend about moving into a separate 2 bedroom place like he had seemed keen on.

Brittle diabetics are nothing to scoff at--my father was a type 1 diabetic with ALL the complications. With type 2, it is largely manageable through diet so the consequences do not need to be as severe, but if left uncontrolled you could be looking at a man who truly does become disabled and need lots of care. I would make sure your boyfriend fully understands what this entails before he ever offers to sign up to be a carer, because it could very well become a full-time job. Strokes, amputations, blindness, etc. You have to be prepared that this could be your reality if this man doesn't take the initiative and starts relying on those around him to pick up the slack, god forbid.

As for the cat, it sounds like it's really stressed out. I am guessing the self harm has to do with its primary owner leaving and all the stress that is around that environment. Interesting how she doesn't bite at herself with you there but does around the men. Maybe since you're female it reminds her of the original owner? In any case, I've always noticed that cats are much more aloof than dogs and tend to look after themselves without needing as much from the humans around them. I'm not condoning any neglect of its litter, water, or food, obviously, but the cat will probably warm up to people if it's given the space it needs. I certainly wouldn't be moving it off the pervy guy's lap--he's a grown man and he should be responsible for getting up.

What's in this situation for your boyfriend? Is he generally a layover? Its sounds to me like there is a co-dependent relationship there. Really evaluate what you want out of this situation, as it would be a dealbreaker for many. Especially if he prioritizes the well-being of this friend over your emotional wants/needs/well-being. That would be a red flag to me given his friend's obvious lack of boundaries and inappropriate behavior.

If this man was his actual father it would be different - but at this point -- he needs the man's actual family to step in. Its one thing to go to a movie with him or hang out, but other than that -- you are signing up for a life with your boyfriend AND this man attached to it. I have had plenty of relatives care for a sick or disabled friend - bring them a meal every day or take them to doctor's appointments, but this is way beyond the pale if he is present when you are having sex. Honestly, i would refuse to have sex there - i would insist it happen only at your place unless the man is not there at all - staying elsewhere.

It was 1 am in the U.K when I wrote this and I was stress. Sorry my about my lack of grammar.

Also I have asked for advice not to be bashed. I mean for those of you saying i shouldn't pick the cat up like that she only got picked up like that because had I picked her up any other way i would have been pretty much touching his penis though his pants and I know I most certainly would not feel comfortable with that on any level and I also don't think that my partner would deem it acceptable to be doing that even if it was just a consiquence of picking the cat up nicely as you would want. Another point I wish to make is that when I picked her up like that she was only like that for a few moments and she didnt struggle, yelp or fight me which suggests she was perfectly content with me moving her as such. Plus if done correctly and if you support their rear while you pick them up like that it isn't abuse as you said.

as for the person saying I shouldn't self diagnose and that i myself sound like i have ADD? I know i probably do. I know i probably have a could of issues but unfortunately i was pretty much neglected by my mother after my dad died and left to be raised by my grand parents who saw my behaviour as being a bit of a attention loving, overly energetic and easily bored child instead of anything else. Also I have worked with children with a multitude of different issues e.g. Dwarfism, Autism, Aspergers, ADD, Down syndrome etc and have a fair knowledge with not only experiance but also with my 3 years i had studying psychology to say I am 100% sure that he has ADD also because of how he reacts to simple things.

And yes person who feels sorry for the fact I find the cat boring and thinks i should leave it alone, animals are never for human entertainment but she is young and acts like...She only moves for food, water and her litter tray. There was once when I bought her some toys and she loved them! She played with them for weeks and i was so happy I had found something for her to play with because it is wonderful watching her play. But recently I have waste the little money I have on buying her toys because she refuses to even look at them let alone play with them.

I am sorry if this is going to sound rude, but I was brought up with the saying if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all and this same saying is why I feel like i can't say anything. Because I don't want to be the girlfriend that came between them. But still, if all you are going to do is, to be blunt not be helpful, please don't comment. Before i even posted anything on here i looked though other peoples posts and saw how nice and supportive people where being but i guess that is more fool me for thinking that every comment would be helpful and friendly.

Oh and before someone says i can not start a sentence with and and but...you can. They are conjunctions and although it is not preferable to start a sentence with one it is also not disallowed :)

"Also I have worked with children with a multitude of different issues e.g. Dwarfism, Autism, Aspergers, ADD, Down syndrome etc and have a fair knowledge with not only experiance but also with my 3 years i had studying psychology to say I am 100% sure that he has ADD also because of how he reacts to simple things."

So? Still doesn't give you any basis to diagnose any individual with any mental disability - that's for trained professionals who do a professional evaluation of that individual.

As far as your cat - you chose to buy her toys and she chose not to play with them after awhile. She didn't ask for toys in the first place so I'm not sure what your issue is. Yes, leave the cat alone other than meeting her needs if you are the caretaker at a particular time.

I would look within yourself and ask how you are benefiting from this situation in general -do you prefer it to being on your own? Are you concerned about being on your own?

He has said to his friend that he does have to start spending more time at his own flat. But it seems to go in one ear then straight back out the other. He isn't a layover, he is however far to kind for his own good and has acknowledged that his friend is a bit of a problem and we have discussed boundries. but the problem is because of his aspergers he is very set into his routines, which i fully understand and know that it will take some time before the boundries become more cemented into place. I also believe his memory is slipping though too which is never good.

I know and when I am there i try to encourage him to be more healthy and maintain his diet and even exercise but when I am not there, it doesn't matter how much my bf tries to do what i do he gets ignored. We have even had friend who are in bad places because of diabeties and who are cares with those who have ended up having limbs chopped off because they refused to change talk to him and again, in one ear straight out the other.

Yeah the self harm is to do with the previous owner just leaving and she does have abandonment issues because when my bf comes to stay at mine she will go mental when he gets home and once he sits down the cat is on him almost as if to say 'i'm so glad you came back to me' which is sweet but so so sad. She will also go mental when she sees me outside bless her but I also think she could be the way she is with me because I come and go a lot, so she may be sulking with me as if saying 'yay your back but no you left me I shall sulk now' haha. Yeah she is isn't that independant for a cat she really relies on us for everything. She doesn't self regulate her food, it doesn't matter how much or how little you put down she will eat it all. And I mean every single last bit. Then funny thing about the little thing is that she takes to anyone instantly. I have not seen her not take to someone before so her love/ hate attitude towards me is baffling.

As for moving her off his lap? If I hadn't he would have made someone else do what he had been asked to do which was only to go bin the recycling. And the recylcing bins are litrially just across the road from my bf's front door, probably not even 10 ft away.

I know what it is and it is because when he hit hard times financially the only one helping him was this man and i respect that greatly. But as I have said to my bf there are things that are going to have to change especially if he really does want me to move in with him because I like his friend i really do but after 6+ months of him constantly being there 24/7 7 days a week...it is starting to get to me the fact that the only real only time we get is when we are either at my house or have gone shopping at his end. I know I need to talk to him about him putting his friend before me because it has been pointed out by other people but I don't know how to talk about it.

I didn't have the greatest role models (minus my nan and granddad they were and are always going to be amazing) . I was constantly told to shut up, that children should be seen and not heard, that i didn't have and opinion and if I did have one I was told I was wrong even if I was right. When ever situations like this arose I was basically told to put up and shut up. And that is only part of the lesser unkind stuff that was said to me by my mother and elder siblings. So I feel like i can't really say anything, I also don't want to come between them and be that girlfriend because I know how close they are, but I also know this isn't normal and that I do want some things to change. So it is very conflicting and a source of anxiety for me because I feel like if i said something that while i wouldn't cause a problem with my bf because i have dropped hints before, but that it would cause a problem with his friend and like i said the last this i want is to cause a problem between them :/

OP... all you can do with regards to this "friend" of your BF is set boundaries and say you aren't willing to speak to him, hang out with him, or have him over at your house... and if your BF isn't willing to compromise on this then you really only have two options... get along with this person or move on.

Regarding the cat... or any animal for that matter... they respond to our energy whether that's good, bad or indifferent. Animals sense anxiety, frustration, etc. very keenly and don't generally respond well to it unless they have been conditioned to. If you can choose to accept her for who she is and remain calm and grounded around her, you will probably get a totally different animal than you do now.

I have a little cat that is much like the one you describe... she was a stray and living with feral cats for a year when they found her. She wouldn't come near me for the first 3 months I had her (don't ask me how I got her into her crate in the first place lol) but my other cat befriended her and eventually she warmed up to me. She does the same thing though... if I go to work for the day, or even go to bed at night, when I reappear she avoids me for awhile as if to say she is upset that I disappeared. I have accepted that this is who she is and if I am patient she will come close to me again. It isn't personal, some animals have trauma and abandonment issues just like we do.

If you knew him you would understand. It is not like I have said to him 'oh well you most certainly have ADD and you need to go get help' no. I haven't because it is not my place but from my observations and through knowing the man for 2 years now i I pretty sure.

And you see I would leave her alone but again you do not know the cat otherwise you would know of her constant want of attention while not wanting it at all. I bought her toys the first time and she played with them. She lost those toys when my partner moved flats so i purchased her new ones which i understood because of the stress of moving she wouldn't feel comfortable playing until she was comfortable in her new home. She is now more than comfortable in her new home and yet refuses to do anything at all. Well except try to get out on the window cill which my bf doesn't want her doing as he is in the upstairs flat and doesn't want her to fall even though I have told him to leave her be because if she wants to be on the window cill outside she will find a way. And lo and behold tonight she pushed the pulled to window open and climbed out haha he had to coax he back in with food.

I benefit greatly from being with him. If you have met the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with and love enough to call your soul mate, you should know that the level of happiness they make you feel is an amazing amount. Just hearing his voice lights up my day. No, I spend a great deal of time alone and I don't like it. Some times i do. I like the peace and quiet but i also love the choas and noise of when we are together more. Which if you knew me personally you would know is actually a very significant thing. No I am not concerned about being on my own. And if that is what you took from me saying other than breaking up with him then you have gotten it all wrong. I said that because I love him. Because i am not letting go of the best thing that has happened to me in my life because of his friend.

I am sorry but I feel like you are focusing on all the wrong things and are being pedantic. As i said, I have asked for advice on a particular situation yet you seem to want to pick at what i say and focus on the wrong parts instead of helping me with the bits i have actually asked for help with.

I understand my original post was probably confusing but that was because I was very emotional and tired when I wrote it. Yet some people have managed to see through my emotional rant writing and i feel have responded fairer than you have and i feel these people will offer me actual advice. I'm sorry. I just don't see the point of people picking at all the parts that I don't want help with :/

Yeah, my bf's little girl was a stray too but he...well his ex got her when she was about a year old. To be honest this whole behaviour of hers is new. Over the past 6 months she has changed completely. But I was wondering. I pretty much spent the entirety of December living at his, then we went back to a normal routine because of work and stuff and that is when she started to change. I just thought of this now but you don't suppose because I was there constantly and now I am not she is, for lack of better description, punishing me for leaving her for long periods of time after she had gotten used to me being there all the time??

So it's all good. He is your soulmate, you are in love, you are engaged. You benefit greatly from being with him.

So, you've now solved your own problems -if all that is true then certainly the issues you posted about pale in comparison, yes?

So sorry the advice was not to your liking. We try. I try. It kind of sounds like how you reacted to the cat not appreciating the toys you bought for him - you expected a very particular response from the cat and you didn't get it so you reacted by not liking the cat. You expected in advance a particular type of advice. You didn't receive it so now you respond with "you are focusing on all the wrong things and being pedantic". Interesting parallel at least to me.

Not agreeing with does not equate bashing . Surely you know that from all your psychological training .

See now I feel like you are mocking me for simply stating how you are making me feel. And I said i felt like you where focusing on the wrong points because basically I felt like you where just being pedantic. I expected a wide variety of advice. But what I did not expect was to be feeling like I was being picked at for little things. I have never posted anything on a forum before so in truth I, while I had expectations, didn't know what to expect. But if this is what it feels like when you post on one then ill never post anything on one again...minus ofcourse responding to a few people on my post but after that...never again.

I do know that. Unfortunately when people type a message you don't actually get the true meaning/way in which it is supposed to be taken. So a message that is typed meaning to just be friendly advice can come across as being less than friendly. Please don't patronise me if that is your intention. If it's not then I apologise but that is how your message has just come across to me which to be honest just proves my point. Just as you will be taking what I am typing now in a completely different way in which i am typing it now :/

No, I just know after having many many cats in particular you do not scruff an adult cat to bring them up off the ground. You said absolutely nothing about holding a hand under her bottom nor did you say that to pick up the cat in the average way you would’ve touched some guy’s penis so .......

You know zippity do dah about me and if you did you would know I don’t mock anybody . And you say we only focussed on the negative well every single thing about your original post was negative . Re-read it yourself . Nothing there was good .

If you read It i did say I would have at the very least been too close for comfort and quoted what I said in which i stated I would have touched it but hay ho I am sure your right and I didn't. And yes it was all negative because as I said in and earlier response to someone I was tired and emotional. Surely you are not going to tell me you have never been like that before thus making you feel that way because if not lucky you because I seem to have emotion fuelled times like that at least once a month.

Of course I have been tired and emotional. Everyone has. But even when you’re tired and emotional people are going to give you a different variety of responses . This is life . And it is certainly life on a multicultural and multi national forum . People are not always going to respond in the way you want them to .