School Teacher Abuse Help

This could potentially be quite long, however I would appreciate any guidance.

When I was at school, aged 15, I was emotionally manipulated by one of my teachers who was a woman. I, myself, am female and it was an extremely confusing time for me as I had never had any feelings towards a woman before I had met her, aside from looking up to celebrities and other role models. The first time I met her she took me in so easily, I was mesmerised by her charm, her essence of being was something I had never seen before, so confident and bubbly. Anyway, after a month of having her teaching me, we started to 'connect' more with one another, through messaging each other in and out of school, seeing each other (me going to her classroom most days), her making jokes about me in class and treating me differently and making me feel so, so special.

I had never felt so cared about before, I told her everything about me and I trusted her implicitly. I got to know her (or so I thought) over the next 10 months and we had developed such a close bond. I realised I loved her about 4 months after we got close and she knew this, though I had never explicitly said it. We had shared lots of moments between us, to which, a part of me felt she did love me too (in some way). I would do anything she wanted, be that, helping her around the school, doing extra work for/with her, she would call me such lovely things, like 'sweetheart', 'babe' and that she 'would always be there for me', 'whatever happened'. She would hug me, touch my waist, hold me, I comforted her when she was upset one time, she cried on my shoulder. I did see her outside of school and there were more instances but I a trying to be brief.Looking back now, I know she was a lonely woman at that time, however the fact she chose to use me is one which constantly confuses me.

She was not always nice towards me,she was extremely unstable, one minute being lovely, the next literally shouting at me for nothing. It was extremely confusing, but we always made up in the end until one day when someone at the school decided to speak to the Headteacher regarding our 'relationship', I had to be called in to explain it, even though there was no way to explain whatever it was that we had. I loved her and wished to protect her as I was scared she would lose her job as she was completely unprofessional (I have been as brief as I can be in this post) so I said that I didn't know anything and basically refused to say anything as she meant everything to me. I was 15 and naive. The police were involved, to which, I again, repeatedly protected her, all the while, without me knowing she was bad mouthing me to everyone, saying I was 'obsessed' and 'weird' - To deflect the blame onto me. I did not know this until years later. Anyway, our 'relationship' was ruined, she was told that she wasn't allowed to speak to me at any time (She did, of course she did), that if she was a man she would have been fired and that I wouldn't be taught by her again. Even though she was told not to speak to me, she did, no wonder I was so confused. But it was never the same again, until I finished school. I have seen her in person on multiple occassions since I have left, but only I have driven past her, not actually being in the same place so I can speak with her.

It has been a lengthy time period since this time in my life, however it is one which is forever engrained within me as it was such a traumatic event, and one that I have had help with, yet nothing seems to be able to stop me feeling guilty about it. I put the blame on myself because I protected her and then made myself look like the one in the wrong. If I had been 100% honest then I am sure that things would have been different. She is still in a position of trust and has climbed up the career ladder, so that makes me even more worried as I have zero evidence of anything she did.

I just wanted to write it out on here the best I can. If anyone has any questions, I will be happy to answer any. I want to go to the police and state exactly what happened (there was nothing internal that happened to clarify) however I am concerned she will turn it around me and try to sue me for defamation which I have heard about in other cases. I am at a loss. Any advice would be greatly received. Thank you.

Well, I'm trying to figure out exactly what laws your teacher broke and whether there were any witnesses. There might have been a school department rule about student-teacher relationships, but the police did investigate years ago, and as you pointed out, your teacher make it look like you just had a crush on her (you did), and she was just trying to help teach you and nothing more. Are you saying she had sex with you or touched your genitals?

If not, you'll sound like like an ungrateful student. I think you should continue with any counselling you've been getting and try to put this behind you. I mean, are you embarrassed you felt these feelings for a woman? Did it hurt your relationships with other men or women.

You know, I just don't see any point in bringing this up again and you having to relive this over and over again, which you would have to do if you tried to bring this up to the police or the school department. Just continue to work on yourself and try to move on.

I agree with DanZee above. According to past threads you are now 27 years old and I think it would be pointless going to the police again after all this time, especially due to the fact that it was all already investigated at the time.

I must add, I find it rather concerning that just 8 months ago you again seemed to want to get involved with a professor .... wanting advice on how to ask them out for coffee or a drink etc. This is never a good idea as student/teacher relationships are almost always frowned upon.

I'm a bit confused. How did she use you? Did she have sex with you? Did she say things like if you don't do this I will fail you?

This just sounds like it went a little too far but not something anyone could be charged with. Seeing as nothing extreme happened they would have dropped the case if she promised to transfer schools. Plus isn't the case closed?

I have had help with, yet nothing seems to be able to stop me feeling guilty about it. I put the blame on myself because I protected her and then made myself look like the one in the wrong. If I had been 100% honest then I am sure that things would have been different.

I must add, I find it rather concerning that just 8 months ago you again seemed to want to get involved with a professor .... wanting advice on how to ask them out for coffee or a drink etc. This is never a good idea as student/teacher relationships are almost always frowned upon.

Not only that but the OP also wanted to have a romantic affair with her boss as well...

I want to go to the police and state exactly what happened (there was nothing internal that happened to clarify) however I am concerned she will turn it around me and try to sue me for defamation which I have heard about in other cases.

And if there is a digital investigation, your IP will be linked to the posts you made here and can potentially be used against you for trying to develop emotional affairs with your superiors. Just a bad idea...

Block and stop responding to her, and move on.

Thanks for the replies.

I understand what you are all saying, I will move forward with this and leave the past in the past.

Thanks again.

I have had help with, yet nothing seems to be able to stop me feeling guilty about it. I put the blame on myself because I protected her and then made myself look like the one in the wrong. If I had been 100% honest then I am sure that things would have been different. She is still in a position of trust and has climbed up the career ladder, so that makes me even more worried as I have zero evidence of anything she did.

How many years ago was this?

If she's climbed in her career, it's most likely that she learned from the experience and has grown into someone capable of keeping her teaching relationships isolated and professional.

This means that the only burden on you is to focus on healing yourself. Consider getting more help, but approach it through the lens of responsibility for self healing rather than protecting or exposing anyone else.

While it's unfortunate that she badmouthed you to protect herself, there were no repercussions against you, so it's likely that those in charge saw through her motives and behavior. She was the adult positioned to control the relationship and she did not handle that responsibility well, which is on her and NOT a reflection on you.

So figure out what further exposure of this woman today would buy you and whether that's worth the price.

You get to decide how much weight this event must bear on your psyche and your future. If you need more help working through that, then pursue the help and do the work with a goal of gaining strength and resilience through the experience rather than viewing yourself as damaged by it. You're at a crossroad to decide whether you want your experiences to enhance you and make you wiser and better equipped to cope with the future, or whether you'll want to drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, making your future more difficult.

Write more if it helps, and head high.

How many years ago was this?

I believe it would be twelve years ago.