Liar?

I was dating this guy for 3 months who was really lovely and attentive but I think I've ruined it. He was always there for me and rang me every day and messaged and gave me no reason to be suspicious then he went on holidays and still messaged but when he came back he didnt ring me that day (just messaged) which I thought was odd as I hadn't spoken to him in a month. Long story short I made a fake internet dating profile and sent him a message and saw that he was online! So then I sent him a message telling him he was a liar and asked if he had a wife or gf and he said he was in shock that I'd even think that. So I admitted what I did with the fake profile and he said he was online as he was trying to delete his account (I don't buy it) anyway I said as much and ended it. He sent me a message a few days later saying he was worried how untrusting I am and that he thinks I need help. I did say sorry and he said he wants to be with me but I keep pushing him away and that he thought he'd found the girl for him. I couldn't reciprocate those sentiments as I'm not 100% sure after only 3 months so said sorry again. Anyway that was a week ago and he had to go away for work and I sent him one message and he said he'd ring when he gets back to the country but he hasn't. Should I just give up, have I blown it?

I don't think you've blown it. I think he's blown it. You caught him in one lie and there are probably more lies he's hiding. He was certainly looking for hookups and who knows if he has a wife or another girlfriend. Anything is possible.

He ruined your trust and he's not worthy of you. You should block him completely. Delete him, erase him. Don't take any messages from him and don't read anything that gets through to you. Go total No Contact so you can heal and forget about the jerk.

No you didn't blow your chances. No one goes a month w/out contacting the person they are interested in.

He did message me every day while he was on holidays, just didn't phone me on his first day back.

Did he say he was going to phone you when he got back? Or was this just an expectation you had that he should? And then when he doesn't do what you want, you create a fake account and have a freakout at him.

This relationship aint going anywhere. Who cares who messed up. Just walk away.

Did he say he was going to phone you when he got back? Or was this just an expectation you had that he should? And then when he doesn't do what you want, you create a fake account and have a freakout at him.

 

This relationship aint going anywhere. Who cares who messed up. Just walk away.

I expected he would, he did message me and ask me to go away with him on the weekend but I said no because I felt sick then that night he didn't phone me and that's when I made the account.

Did he respond to your fake profile? Unfortunately after only 12 weeks of dating there is too much suspicion, drama, playing detective, confronting etc. Reflect and realize this is about you and your past and not him. Let it go. He probably thinks you have trust issues and got unhinged enough to set up a fake profile and make all sorts of accusations. Next time take your time getting to know someone and date from a secure place where the second someone doesn't call you (but messages every day, including while away) you are catfishing to "catch" them in something. isn't setting up catfish profiles lying as well?

I made a fake internet dating profile and sent him a message and saw that he was online! So then I sent him a message telling him he was a liar and asked if he had a wife or gf

Did he respond to your fake profile? Unfortunately after only 12 weeks of dating there is too much suspicion, drama, playing detective, confronting etc. Reflect and realize this is about you and your past and not him. Let it go. He probably thinks you have trust issues and got unhinged enough to set up a fake profile and make all sorts of accusations. Next time take your time getting to know someone and date from a secure place where the second someone doesn't call you (but messages every day, including while away) you are catfishing to "catch" them in something. isn't setting up catfish profiles lying as well?

No he didn't respond to it, well he did eventually saying "nice one trying to catch me out when there's nothing to catch" or something like that. I now realise it is all about me, and I really did have no reason to be suspicious of him, I used to tell him he didn't have to call and message me so much, and then when he didn't I kind of lost the plot. I really regret it now and feel sad that I did this to him when he was always so kind to me. I think he was going to give me another chance but wanted me to want it too but I wasn't sure and now that he's not responsive I want him again but don't know if I really even do? I'm so confused.

You didn’t think he’d be tired when he came back from his trip ? And he had contacted you every single day .

I would stick a fork in it it’s over .

I would find a guy who stays local 24/7.

It may be best to put all this and him behind you. It sounds like he's decided it's not working and he's done. It's too contaminated with distrust. Instead reflect on what led you to this.

he did eventually saying "nice one trying to catch me out when there's nothing to catch". he's not responsive I want him again.

So I admitted what I did with the fake profile and he said he was online as he was trying to delete his account (I don't buy it) anyway I said as much and ended it.

I went through something similar with my ex, except I found his dating profiles YEARS into our relationship, after we had already been living together. I didn't have to make any fake profiles, I just saw the app on his phone when he was scrolling through to show me something, and I went on the website later on and was able to find his profile, which had been newly updated with information about his current life (omitting the fact that he was in a serious relationship, of course) and a photo of him and our dog which I took. When I confronted him about it, he said he hadn't been on it since we got together and he had no idea how it had gotten updated. I asked him to delete it, he said he would. Month later, it was still active. This time, I forced him to delete it while I watched. This is one instance among MANY others, evidence piling atop evidence, that he was at the very least a liar and attempting to cheat if he didn't actually physically cheat.

He did try to turn it all around on me as well, called me crazy and psycho for "snooping" around (which I never would have done in the first place if he didn't act weird and give me reason to be suspicious), he also tried to say that he was only doing it because he wasn't getting enough attention (which is bull because I basically was his wife-mother and he was manipulating me every step of the way) and I really did fall for that, considered myself to be in the wrong and let the relationship continue for MORE years. Long story short, I spent 6 long years in a relationship with this guy and I felt miserable for the majority of them.

You dodged a bullet here, OP, and that's probably an understatement.

I'm confused. Being online is a reason for breaking up? Is there a spoken agreement that one must never check online accounts, ever, if dating someone? I don't online-date so I don't know these things.

Yeah, sorry, but you kind of acted like a psycho...creating fake accounts is something that shouldn't happen past like high school age. I'd walk away from this and spend some time learning to be content and happy with myself before considering dating....

I was dating this guy for 3 months who was really lovely and attentive but I think I've ruined it. He was always there for me and rang me every day and messaged and gave me no reason to be suspicious then he went on holidays and still messaged but when he came back he didnt ring me that day (just messaged) which I thought was odd as I hadn't spoken to him in a month. Long story short I made a fake internet dating profile and sent him a message and saw that he was online! So then I sent him a message telling him he was a liar and asked if he had a wife or gf and he said he was in shock that I'd even think that. So I admitted what I did with the fake profile and he said he was online as he was trying to delete his account (I don't buy it) anyway I said as much and ended it. He sent me a message a few days later saying he was worried how untrusting I am and that he thinks I need help. I did say sorry and he said he wants to be with me but I keep pushing him away and that he thought he'd found the girl for him. I couldn't reciprocate those sentiments as I'm not 100% sure after only 3 months so said sorry again. Anyway that was a week ago and he had to go away for work and I sent him one message and he said he'd ring when he gets back to the country but he hasn't. Should I just give up, have I blown it?

Yes you have most likely blown it. Barely 3 months in you are stalking him online with fake profiles and accusing him of cheating? You need to back off and give him space... and I would take him up on his suggestion to get help for your behaviors around trust.

I went through something similar with my ex, except I found his dating profiles YEARS into our relationship, after we had already been living together. I didn't have to make any fake profiles, I just saw the app on his phone when he was scrolling through to show me something, and I went on the website later on and was able to find his profile, which had been newly updated with information about his current life (omitting the fact that he was in a serious relationship, of course) and a photo of him and our dog which I took. When I confronted him about it, he said he hadn't been on it since we got together and he had no idea how it had gotten updated. I asked him to delete it, he said he would. Month later, it was still active. This time, I forced him to delete it while I watched. This is one instance among MANY others, evidence piling atop evidence, that he was at the very least a liar and attempting to cheat if he didn't actually physically cheat.

 

He did try to turn it all around on me as well, called me crazy and psycho for "snooping" around (which I never would have done in the first place if he didn't act weird and give me reason to be suspicious), he also tried to say that he was only doing it because he wasn't getting enough attention (which is bull because I basically was his wife-mother and he was manipulating me every step of the way) and I really did fall for that, considered myself to be in the wrong and let the relationship continue for MORE years. Long story short, I spent 6 long years in a relationship with this guy and I felt miserable for the majority of them.

 

You dodged a bullet here, OP, and that's probably an understatement.

Omg that's terrible! Well I feel a bit better now wth what I did. I noticied he lies on his profile too about his body type and where he lives unless he's had it that long both things have changed!

I'm confused. Being online is a reason for breaking up? Is there a spoken agreement that one must never check online accounts, ever, if dating someone? I don't online-date so I don't know these things.

Well it's not a nice feeling if someone is still checking what's out there. I know if I've found someone I like they last thing I'm interested in is going back online.

Neither of you were "100%" sure. I wouldn't close my profile after 3 months and would keep looking, if quite passively the more I am into someone. Had you talked about being exclusive?

I am 50/50 on the fake profile thing, I guess it can pay to be cautious early on. But to jump to conclusions that he was cheating (or that he was married) and accuse him is over the top, especially after it seems he passed the test of turning down the fake message. Why not just have a calm conversation about exclusivity at that point (assuming you hadn't discussed that yet).

Have you been cheated on before?

If you went through all this trouble to "catch" him lying and cheating...why on earth do you want to keep dating someone you don't believe or trust???

You two were casually dating/talking... there were no official agreement of exclusivity. As much as I advocate people to trust their gut when it comes to dating early on, freaking out when someone you are talking to goes awol for ONE day is just irrational and foolish.

You may need to look deep within so you can get to the root of your own insecurities. Did an ex cheat on you? are you afraid of disappointment and hurt? Have you sabotaged relationships before with your insecurities?

Of course as they say, the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem.

Neither of you were "100%" sure. I wouldn't close my profile after 3 months and would keep looking, if quite passively the more I am into someone. Had you talked about being exclusive?

 

I am 50/50 on the fake profile thing, I guess it can pay to be cautious early on. But to jump to conclusions that he was cheating (or that he was married) and accuse him is over the top, especially after it seems he passed the test of turning down the fake message. Why not just have a calm conversation about exclusivity at that point (assuming you hadn't discussed that yet).

 

Have you been cheated on before?

We didn't talk about being exclusive, he made it clear he was only interested in me but I wasn't 100% sure on him yet so often dodged questions when he started talking about future plans. I haven't even been cheated on before which is weird that I am so suspicious, my ex always used to accusing me of cheating and lying which I hated because I was innocent and now seems like I'm starting to do it, I think the damage has been done now I was quite blunt when I was accusing him.

We didn't talk about being exclusive, he made it clear he was only interested in me but I wasn't 100% sure on him yet so often dodged questions when he started talking about future plans. I haven't even been cheated on before which is weird that I am so suspicious, my ex always used to accusing me of cheating and lying which I hated because I was innocent and now seems like I'm starting to do it, I think the damage has been done now I was quite blunt when I was accusing him.

Count it as a lesson learned. Apologize and move on.

You two were casually dating/talking... there were no official agreement of exclusivity. As much as I advocate people to trust their gut when it comes to dating early on, freaking out when someone you are talking to goes awol for ONE day is just irrational and foolish.

 

You may need to look deep within so you can get to the root of your own insecurities. Did an ex cheat on you? are you afraid of disappointment and hurt? Have you sabotaged relationships before with your insecurities?

 

Of course as they say, the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem.

I know I realised the next day what have I done to accuse him like that! I felt so bad, especially because he has always been there for me when I've been sick and not very fun and I should of just talked to him about it. I think it's a form of self sabotaging because I get scared he will decide he doesn't like me anymore so any hint of something I get in first, I don't know something like that, but I know I do feel bad now and it's not how I wanted to end it.

Sorry this is a mess. Stop dating and reflect on why you became like your ex and are sabotaging everything.

We didn't talk about being exclusive. I wasn't 100% sure on him yet so often dodged questions when he started talking about future plans.

Just an update for what it's worth. I left him

Alone and stopped messaging him then he sends me a message saying "thinking of you" and I didn't reply as I just thought what's the point then 2 days later another one saying "thinking of you, hope your ok" I didn't reply again and then he sends one saying "sorry" "do you still like me?" Soni sent back saying you don't need to be sorry about anything and yes i like you still by think it's best to just let it be and he was like I really want to see you again blah blah and I was hesitant anyway a week later he's still message me randomly saying hello and stuff but takes ages to respond and It's like pointless conversations so last night I said "things are weird between us now and is it because I went a bit physco (which I already said sorry for" and do you think it's better if we both move on, I said I'd be sad but I understand" and he said it's not what he wants at all but doesn't like being accused of things he didn't do (which I already apologised for twice) so I just did a thumbs up as I don want to keep dragging this out, but at the same time I'm sad it couldn't go back to what it was

Sadly Tuna, I agree things will never be the same. Oh the attraction may still be there and you both may still even care on some level.

But when there's this much drama so early in, before you've both fully emotionally bonded, something gets lost and it's very VERY difficult to get it back.

I liken it to riding a wave to shore, you've both got to catch that wave and ride it in together,.

If one of you jumps off prematurely or doesn't catch it to begin with, the wave will eventually crash leaving you stranded and alone.

You can try catching a new wave together, but somehow that new wave is just never quite the same.

My advice is to let this go, do some introspection as to why you allowed your emotions and anxiety to contol you (your behavior and the situation) and self-sabotage.

If you don't, you may find the same thing happening over and over, different face, same story.

I'm sorry I know it's sad and know it hurts!

But as I (and others) always say it's all a journey anyway.

Best of luck moving forward! :)