Are there any people out there who are NOT self centered?!

I am fed up with ALL my friends, even my boyfriend, literally everyone I know. All my friends are so self centered it makes me wanna cut all ties with everyone and just give up on friends entirely, and relationships. I need hope that not everyone is like this.

My friends will;

-get mad at me for having things to do and not sit online to listen to them type paragraph after paragraph of them going on and on about their lives and their problems, yet when I type anything they either don't see it because they're too busy typing the next thing, or they ignore it.

-tell me in detail about their vacations completely ignoring my messages about mine (we were both on vacation at the same time)

-want me to hang out with their friends but when I want them to hang out with my other friends, they won't.

-only will do things they want to do, not what i want to do, but it's ok if we both want to.

-blurt out information and comments about how they are, whats going on, without ever asking me how i am or what i am doing.

-tell me all about their childhood and make me watch old videos of them and look at old pictures of them but never once ask to see any old pics or videos of me or ask about my childhood

-call me to talk about themselves and when I talk, they either talk over me or they start multitasking so they aren't really paying attention anyway

-type message after message about themselves but as soon as I start talking about me, they get quiet.

-never comment or like my posts on FB even though I am always liking and commenting on theirs!

This is ALL my friends (and my boyfriend), not just one person doing this. I am not even a selfish person, I listen and respond to them 90% of the time without changing the subject, so it isn't like I am asking a whole lot here. I just want a friend who is equally as interested in my life as I am about theirs. You always hear advice saying if you want friends, BE a friend, but all that's gotten me is people who only care about themselves. Well my boyfriend cares about me, says he loves me, etc. but he is just as bad as my friends as far as conversation being all about him. Everyone is younger than me (bf is 18 years younger) so that probably doesn't help, but geez...I shouldn't have to drop everyone to find older people that I have nothing in common with just to have friends that ask how my day is and listen when I talk.

Does anyone else have this problem with people in their life? Is this just how people are nowadays?

Does anyone else have this problem with people in their life? Is this just how people are nowadays?

With some, yes, I've found somewhat similar behavior and over time its gotten old and I let the friendships fade. Or I recognize that they are peripheral friends, that perhaps we'll catch up now and then and enjoy a bit of superficial time together, but I have no expectations from them anymore, and don't seek out their friendship. It can be disappointing, but it is what it is. The good thing is there are are a couple people who are genuine and I continue to value their friendships.

You've outgrown the age group you have been associating with. You might have a lot in common with them in some ways, but your personality and perspective are entirely different.

I'm in my 30s and tend to date people in their 20s, but last year I was at a party and felt really old. I felt like I had literally crossed a threshold from one group to another.

I suggest giving older people a try, you might be surprised.

People, in general, have a tendency toward self-absorption. However, I have a best friend and several good friends that appear to be genuinely interested in my life, feelings, etc. I am not someone who chooses to keep simply anyone who wants to be in my life around, though. I only stay friends with and have romantic relationships with individuals that wish to meet my needs, as I wish to meet theirs.

Take responsibility for your choices. You stay silent, even though you are not happy. You do not move on from friendships that no longer suit you. It is difficult to end involvements, but it is worth it to be picky, even if it results in more time alone. If you make the effort to find like-minded people who care about you, you will find them.

Unfortunately, this is so common I've brought it up to my therapist.

People who only ask questions so they can answer that question.

People who give excruciating details with every bit of minutiae but neglect to listen to a single word anyone else says.

People who call and speak in one hour-long paragraph without a breath, and suddenly have to go when the other person tries to talk.

I have these people all around me. My sister is the worst. I will literally put the phone down, walk to the other room, and when I return, she's still talking. But when I tell her that I have something to talk about, she suddenly has to go.

Other than my sister (with whom I now have minimal contact), I simply ghost these people. I can't take it anymore.

Maybe it's the me-me-me world we live in. Maybe it's the look-at-my-insta-story culture. I don't care, I don't want any part of anyone who won't listen equally.

With some, yes, I've found somewhat similar behavior and over time its gotten old and I let the friendships fade. Or I recognize that they are peripheral friends, that perhaps we'll catch up now and then and enjoy a bit of superficial time together, but I have no expectations from them anymore, and don't seek out their friendship. It can be disappointing, but it is what it is. The good thing is there are are a couple people who are genuine and I continue to value their friendships.

This would be ok if they WERE just peripheral friends, but they are all CLOSE friends, either people i have known for 25 years or people who I have gotten real close to in the last 2 years. I wouldn't mind letting any one of them go if it weren't for the fact that it would leave me completely friendless and alone.

You've outgrown the age group you have been associating with. You might have a lot in common with them in some ways, but your personality and perspective are entirely different.

 

I'm in my 30s and tend to date people in their 20s, but last year I was at a party and felt really old. I felt like I had literally crossed a threshold from one group to another.

 

I suggest giving older people a try, you might be surprised.

I have literally nothing in common with older people though, I have no kids or grandkids, and my passion in life is music festivals where you are hard pressed to find anyone over the age of 40. (I'm soon to be 46). I did have 2 older friends once but they both felt strained because I looked and acted way too young to be associating with them, they talked about their kids and grandkids and I talked about what concert i went to recently. They were more like aunts than friends.

People, in general, have a tendency toward self-absorption. However, I have a best friend and several good friends that appear to be genuinely interested in my life, feelings, etc. I am not someone who chooses to keep simply anyone who wants to be in my life around, though. I only stay friends with and have romantic relationships with individuals that wish to meet my needs, as I wish to meet theirs.

 

Take responsibility for your choices. You stay silent, even though you are not happy. You do not move on from friendships that no longer suit you. It is difficult to end involvements, but it is worth it to be picky, even if it results in more time alone. If you make the effort to find like-minded people who care about you, you will find them.

I like your profile pic, lol

Yeah that's kinda what I've been doing though, I mean aside from the 2 friends i've known for 25 years, the other ones i've found within the last 2 years because I was trying to break away from my other friends. So I went from one group of self absorbed friends to another. That is why I'm doubtful that I will have any luck the next time I try to find new friends.

Unfortunately, this is so common I've brought it up to my therapist.

 

People who only ask questions so they can answer that question.

People who give excruciating details with every bit of minutiae but neglect to listen to a single word anyone else says.

People who call and speak in one hour-long paragraph without a breath, and suddenly have to go when the other person tries to talk.

 

I have these people all around me. My sister is the worst. I will literally put the phone down, walk to the other room, and when I return, she's still talking. But when I tell her that I have something to talk about, she suddenly has to go.

 

Other than my sister (with whom I now have minimal contact), I simply ghost these people. I can't take it anymore.

 

Maybe it's the me-me-me world we live in. Maybe it's the look-at-my-insta-story culture. I don't care, I don't want any part of anyone who won't listen equally.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this too! And your sister of all people, ugh! I have the same problem with one of my friends who will talk into the phone for 10 minutes straight not even checking to see if i'm still there. And one friend who will barrage me with FB messages one after another sometimes 20 or 25 of them in a row when she knows I am either at work, sleeping, or busy! ugh

So what did your therapist tell you to do about it? I actually thought about seeing a therapist about this too just to have another human talk to me like a mature adult!

I like your profile pic, lol

 

Yeah that's kinda what I've been doing though, I mean aside from the 2 friends i've known for 25 years, the other ones i've found within the last 2 years because I was trying to break away from my other friends. So I went from one group of self absorbed friends to another. That is why I'm doubtful that I will have any luck the next time I try to find new friends.

Thank you. I rather think the picture suits me

That is a frustrating occurrence. I know it is not easy to make reliable friends. Hell, the fact that you make new friends at all is impressive to me! I often worry that when I move out of my current city, I may end up with no true friends. Sometimes I get frustrated with the friends I have, as well. We (well, everyone) must simply plug ahead and continue the weeding out process indefinitely.

I recently had to cut a friend of several years loose, because he completely neglected our friendship after entering a relationship, and approached my life choices with condescension every time we got together. I had other complaints too that built up over time, and finally after a particularly abhorrent evening that only occurred because his current SO was out of town, I knew it was time to cut ties permanently. Don't fear letting people loose when they no longer meet you halfway. Friendship is one of the only completely elective joys we get in life!

Maybe you're outgrowing your music festival lifestyle? Most people who frequent those sorts of things are young, naive, and self-centered.

Also, have you ever tried talking to any of them about this?

I agree with SGH. I like her rational thinking.

I like your profile pic, lol

 

Yeah that's kinda what I've been doing though, I mean aside from the 2 friends i've known for 25 years, the other ones i've found within the last 2 years because I was trying to break away from my other friends. So I went from one group of self absorbed friends to another. That is why I'm doubtful that I will have any luck the next time I try to find new friends.

Well, there are plenty of nice people out there who can balance a conversation and have genuine interest in their friends' well being and life. Also, not everyone in your age range talks about kids and grand kids. The right kind of people are out there, but you do have to work to find them.

If you move from one self absorbed group right into another, then you kind of have to take a look at yourself and what qualities initially draw you to those types of people. Maybe they are fun and outgoing and you easily connect to that, maybe it's insert whatever qualities here. Important to recognize that the good qualities that attract you to certain people will invariably come with some bad qualities and either you can deal with and accept those qualities as part of the deal or you have to change your approach to friendships and what qualities you are initially drawn to from the get go. Basically, some soul searching is in order.

This would be ok if they WERE just peripheral friends, but they are all CLOSE friends, either people i have known for 25 years or people who I have gotten real close to in the last 2 years. I wouldn't mind letting any one of them go if it weren't for the fact that it would leave me completely friendless and alone.

I have literally nothing in common with older people though' date=' I have no kids or grandkids, and my passion in life is music festivals[/color']

Stop. There are people your age who do not have kids or grandkids, or who do, and share your interests. You just haven't met them yet, or they haven't met you. Make it a goal to meet new people every month. Push your boundaries.

I have literally nothing in common with older people though, I have no kids or grandkids, and my passion in life is music festivals where you are hard pressed to find anyone over the age of 40. (I'm soon to be 46). I did have 2 older friends once but they both felt strained because I looked and acted way too young to be associating with them, they talked about their kids and grandkids and I talked about what concert i went to recently. They were more like aunts than friends.

^^^ Bingo. You look at older people more as "aunts than friends", and your younger friends look at you as an "aunt" rather than a friend.

They probably like your worldly advice, and the fact that they know you've probably already gone through a lot of what they are going through. So they are treating you no differently than you treat people older than you.

It's very limiting to say "all people over 40 are grandmothers", or something else so silly. I've never heard of such a limited belief.

Sorry, but now it's clear to me why you're only getting people who want to talk at you, rather than with you. They don't see you as a contemporary.

^^^ Bingo. You look at older people more as "aunts than friends", and your younger friends look at you as an "aunt" rather than a friend.

this gets it 100% right. /thread.

I am not even a selfish person, I listen and respond to them 90% of the time without changing the subject, so it isn't like I am asking a whole lot here.

This is your problem ^^^. Well, it's not a problem in the general scheme of things, but will be if you don't set clear boundaries and choose your friends differently.

If you're a good listener, then people who want someone to moan to will choose someone who'll listen and put up with all their energy-draining rubbish. People who only want to talk about themselves will choose... you've got it... a good listener. If someone really won't stop talking, be quite blunt and say you've only got five minutes.

And then, on the other hand, you assume that everyone over 40 is over the hill. Believe me, plenty of those people at music festivals are over 40 - you probably wouldn't spot them because they don't fit your image of what older people should look like.

I don't have children, and find it difficult to relate to women who don't want to talk about anything other than theirs - but that would be the same with anyone whose main purpose and interest in life is one that I don't share. OK (glances over shoulder and checks that nobody's listening), I find them absolutely crashing bores, whilst recognising that they are probably the most fascinating and supportive chums to others in the same situation.

But basing your entire assessment of all the older people on two people you once knew... surely, surely you must realise the absurdity of that!

^^^ Bingo. You look at older people more as "aunts than friends", and your younger friends look at you as an "aunt" rather than a friend.

 

They probably like your worldly advice, and the fact that they know you've probably already gone through a lot of what they are going through. So they are treating you no differently than you treat people older than you.

 

It's very limiting to say "all people over 40 are grandmothers", or something else so silly. I've never heard of such a limited belief.

 

Sorry, but now it's clear to me why you're only getting people who want to talk at you, rather than with you. They don't see you as a contemporary.

I think that is it. Younger people are looking at you as an aunt or mom figure than a friend.

Oh btw... I am 51 and not a grandma. ;)

Does anyone else have this problem with people in their life? Is this just how people are nowadays?

Certainly not! I can relate to this on so many levels!

I've always tried to be a good friend. Hell, it's in my nature to simply be a good one by default, let alone needing to try. Suffice to say, the majority of friendships I've had have been very one-sided. It doesn't help that I'm still a student, so have to deal with all the superficiality that comes with being around the younger generation.

Have you ever tried expressing how you feel, to your friends?

As another poster said, it's perhaps better off if you spend time with people more your age or younger.

Personally, I tend to phase friends out who don't make an effort. They're usually moan and wonder why the moment they realize the -1 friend on their Facebook account is you, but I usually politely them I'm no longer investing my time / energy in someone who doesn't reciprocates. Maybe you can try phasing people out, and refocusing efforts on forming new friends with new people?

As for your boyfriend; communication is key. If you're unhappy, then you need to talk to him.

I think that is it. Younger people are looking at you as an aunt or mom figure than a friend.

 

Oh btw... I am 51 and not a grandma. ;)

I'm 51 and I have a 9 year old. And I try not to talk about him much at all other than to my mom and sis who can't get enough of hearing about him since we don't live close by. Don't discount moms as potential friends -I have friends who have all sorts of lifestyles -single, married, dating, gay, straight, religious, not religious, etc. That's not how I define who would make a good friend or continue to make a good friend (i.e. friends who have a new baby/get divorced, etc.)

I agree with Nutbrownhare and the others. It's really hard to meet new people -I've spent a lot of time the last 8 years in my new city trying to do just that- here are some places I've gone to meet people -

religious organizations, women's networking group, volunteering at a radio station, my neighbors/our fitness room in the building, the pool at our building, and work. Yes, I also meet people through my child -men and women but that's because we go places like art museums and the library (and yes, the parks/playground, etc but i am not focused on finding just "mom" friends in the least).

It takes time -I dragged myself to a networking happy 45 minutes (not happy hour as I just stayed 45 minutes) which mean an hour of getting ready, walking there and back -I spoke to 4 of the women there, have been in touch with one of them since then - nice person.

I tend sometimes to talk too much but i am very self-conscious of it so I either make sure to balance it next time (if we have to end the convo for some reason) or I will literally stop and interrupt myself and switch gears "ok enough about me" and will ask how the person is or a specific question - and listen as well. I am very curious about other people, what's going on, what makes them tick. And I dont' think I'm unusual in that regard. Oh, and I also care a great deal about my friends so it's not just idle curiosity. We are out there -and yes, like me you might find women or men who are overly chatty at times but if they really care about you they'll self-censor or, if you change the subject will take the cue that they overstepped that one time. Just cut some slack with those who mean well and have those verbal diahrrhea times. (I worry about what you wrote about even though I don't mean to be overly chatty- and then a new work friend said to me at one of our bi-monthly lunches that one thing she really liked about me was what a good and interested listener i was so maybe it's ok).

Maybe you're outgrowing your music festival lifestyle? Most people who frequent those sorts of things are young, naive, and self-centered.

Oh no, I just got into festivals 2 years ago, I have finally found the thing that makes my life worth living. I am a festival loving hippie for life now!

Also, have you ever tried talking to any of them about this?

I tried having the conversation with 2 of them, one friend got into an argument with me denying she acts this way and then brought up a time 5 years ago when I had a crush on a guy who just wanted sex so we talked about that a lot during that time period, so her logic was that whoever is going through guy issues is the one who gets to talk about their life! And she's been having guy issues for 3 years now. Another one (my boyfriend) just shuts down and didn't know how to respond, like he always does when I try to have a serious conversation about one of my observations about him. He's extra sensitive to being rejected and either in serious denial about the way he is or is too traumatized by women dumping him for these reasons so he just shuts down when I bring it up.

 

If you move from one self absorbed group right into another, then you kind of have to take a look at yourself and what qualities initially draw you to those types of people. Maybe they are fun and outgoing and you easily connect to that, maybe it's insert whatever qualities here. Important to recognize that the good qualities that attract you to certain people will invariably come with some bad qualities and either you can deal with and accept those qualities as part of the deal or you have to change your approach to friendships and what qualities you are initially drawn to from the get go. Basically, some soul searching is in order.

Well they all have different kinds of personalities (other than being self absorbed, lol), they are all so different,...I think what attracts them to me is that I am a good listener and a good friend, it's always other people who initiate friendships with me, I have just gone with the flow and hung out with whoever wanted to hang out with me, so I am not picking these people, they are picking me.

Stop. There are people your age who do not have kids or grandkids, or who do, and share your interests. You just haven't met them yet, or they haven't met you. Make it a goal to meet new people every month. Push your boundaries.

You know how hard it is to find people who don't have kids by their 40's? lol And then they also have to live nearby, like the same things, and have the time and desire to have another friendship. All the stars seem to have to be in alignment, lol

^^^ Bingo. You look at older people more as "aunts than friends", and your younger friends look at you as an "aunt" rather than a friend.

 

They probably like your worldly advice, and the fact that they know you've probably already gone through a lot of what they are going through. So they are treating you no differently than you treat people older than you.

 

Oh God no, lol no one ever asks me for advice, they all have way more life experience than I do, in every way. I have lived a very sheltered life. I am decades behind everyone else as far as relationships, careers, being an adult, etc. One of my friends even tells me I don't know a lot of things about life that are supposedly common knowledge. I disagree with her but that's what she said, and she never respects anything I say (none of them do, really), in fact none of them show any respect for my opinion, things I like, etc. It doesn't feel like I am an aunt to them, more like I am their sounding board for their ego's.

 

That's very limiting to say "all people over 40 are grandmothers", or something else so silly. I've never heard of such a limited belief.

I wouldn't call it a belief really, it's more like my experience. And I didn't say they're all grandmothers, I said mothers OR grandmothers but mothers mostly.