When is enough, enough?

Hi, Long story short. After speaking out on here and then to a few other people, i realise i am in an abusive relationship. To be completely honest, deep down i didn't need anyone to tell me, i already knew, i just thought i could handle everything that was thrown at me.

I have put my current partner on such a high pedestal that i was blind sighted to all of his flaws, because he started off so great and made me feel so special at the beginning and when hes 'good' he still does that now. But hes controlling, Manipulative, Aggressive (has been verbally and physically) and i dont know what im getting out the relationship anymore other than clinging on because, well, I love him.

Example, last night we had an a conversation (he was fine and in a good mood at this point) and i was telling him about a decision that my mum had made of moving away from where we currently live. He expressed he didn't agree with it ect and i didn't like his tone so i just politely told him that shes my mum and she makes her own decisions. The conversation ended not well and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. Later on in the evening he texted me to apologise and that he loves my mum, I texted back, thank you, i love you. Goodnight. Well this set him off into a frenzy of abusive messages of how im being blunt with him and how i need to learn to let things go, Long story short is he got rather nasty (name calling,being aggressive) The whole time, i had taken a 'defuse' the situation approach, so i wasn't arguing back i was simply telling him (several times) i dont want to argue please please can we leave it and speak tomorrow when your calmer, but he continued to poke and poke and poke telling me it was too late for that because i had already pushed him to this stage because im a b*tch. The conversation ended badly again. This morning he calls and apologises again and asks if im ready to move forward, for the first time ever i tell him im not and that the way he made me feel last night is unacceptable. Again this set him into an aggressive frenzy of him explaining that its me who needs to change because i trigger him and he even said (which i think was the wake up call) that if he was in front of me he would 'break my face' or that he could kill me. Im scared because, i think he could actually do it. How do i stick to my guns and say enough is enough now? i shouldn't be with someone who i have to walk on egg shells around because im scared of making them angry and thinks so low of me. As pathetic as it sounds i do love him and im scared that this is going to go round and round until something happens. How do i build up enough strength to leave and not fall for his 100th apology and promise that it will change? Even after everything hes said and done to me i still feel guilty because i know without me, he has nothing. Thank you.

hi there,

I am sorry for what you have been through and what you are going through. It must be really scary. I have a little bit of an understanding because my brother can be explosive and verbally abusive, so I understand the fear.

From my understanding of abusive relationships, the most important thing is that you are safe. A psychologist I have been following recently, talked about safety planning. Here is an article of 12 tips to consider before you leave to keep yourself safe: https://elizabethroebuckjones.com/safety-planning-how-to-exit-your-relationship/

I guess I will leave my post there for now. I think you are definitely right to want to leave, and that leaving before you get back into the toxic cycle is a VERY good idea.

Stay safe and get support.

Chai :-)

Keep the messages; show trusted friends or family, and they will help you get out of it. If you genuinely fear for your safety, then the police should also be contacted.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's unacceptable behavior and I hope you manage to walk away so you can begin a process of healing and discovering real happiness.

Keep us in the loop. We're here for you!

Do not expect a leopard to change his spots. As you know abuse is in mean/sweet cycles. Do not confide in a sociopath. He'll only use anything and everything you say or do as a weapon to hurt you. Any apologies are false and a tool to suck you in and let your guard down for the next round of abuse. Stop with the "but i love him" nonsense. You love people who hate and abuse you? Why?

You don't live together. You have no kids together. You are not married. There's no point in being with this jerk. Just cut him off. It's That Simple. Stop playing the victim and continually complaining about all the abuse then in the same breath saying "but i love him". You are turning away all the good, decent and potentially helpful people in your life with your addiction to him and self inflicted drama which you refuse to change even though you are fully cognizant of the abuse. Do you want pity or love? That is what you need to reflect on.

But hes controlling, Manipulative, Aggressive (has been verbally and physically) and i dont know what im getting out the relationship anymore other than clinging on because, well, I love him.

I am so sorry you’ve been going through this and I am glad that you are recognizing this behavior as unhealthy and reaching out to stay safe and change your circumstances. That’s a big step. Have you considered calling the national domestic violence helpline? It’s completely confidential and they can answer any questions you have about the unhealthy aspects of your relationship. They may be able to give you the direction you are seeking and also offer resources available to you in your area. Don’t lose hope! You are not alone. I will be praying for you, for God‘s direction, strength, and for peace with your decisions.

Without you he has nothing? Ooooh.....so in your mind, you are the hero here.....OK....

Well, he didn't apologize for this psychotic behavior, he told you that he wants to beat you and break your face. Honestly, that should be enough to jolt you out of your "I'm his savior" delusions and consider that you like your face intact. Which means you need to change your locks, call the abuse helpline, call a therapist who specializes in abuse and make an emergency appointment. In fact, it would be a really good idea for you to spend some time with some distant friends or family that this psychopath doesn't know about, aka where he can't find you and beat you.

This isn't love, OP, so stop telling yourself that you love him. It's addiction to drama, the adrenaline rush, the highs and lows, the delusional self importance you're assigning yourself that without you he has nothing, that you are in control when in reality you are far from it. You need help, serious help and I sincerely hope that you will go and get it before he comes over and rearranges your face.

Even after everything hes said and done to me i still feel guilty because i know without me, he has nothing.

This is a delusion. You really mean without you he has nothing TO CONTROL. He has manipulated you to such an extent that you literally believe he would be like a lost puppy or kitten if you should leave. He was fine before you and he'll be fine when you leave. You need to think about yourself.

Honestly, speaking from experience, there really is no such thing as "building up strength" to leave, that's just an excuse to stick around longer because you're too afraid. You just have to do it. You will not be able to build any strength as long as you stay with him because he takes it all away from you. My advice to you (what I did) is to just break up with him (do it like you're pulling a Band-Aid off a hairy leg) and if you don't live with him, find a place to stay for a few days (family member or friend) for support and protection. Block him on any mode of contact immediately. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. There is never a good time to do it, you just need to do it.