Dramatic boyfriend always on phone

I’m looking for some advice for my new relationship. We’ve been together for four months and, up until now, things have been great. He’s a few years younger than I am, which is unusual for me, but it hasn’t really seemed to matter much so far (I’m 29, he’s 26). The good side is that he’s affectionate, funny, loyal, kind and generous, relatively “easy going” and I’m extremely attracted to him. However, a few issues are starting to creep in and it’s leaving me feeling quite low and lonely.

The most frustrating thing is that he’s always on his phone – checking Facebook, messages, watching sports, gaming. I’ll wake up in the morning and turn over to see him on Facebook. He brings his phone to bed with him and checks it last thing at night and first thing in the morning – and well over a hundred times a day. He’ll arrive at mine, sit on the sofa and get his phone out. We’ll go to the pub or out on a walk and he’ll get his phone out. Often, when I’m talking, he’ll just start looking at Facebook. This makes me feel ignored, unimportant and frustrated. I’ve tried to bring it up jokingly but he laughs it off and I’m not sure I’m confident enough to tell him that it’s really bothering me. He sometimes texts me after he leaves in the morning to say he wishes he had another few minutes cuddling me in the morning, but that frustrates me because I think “Well, if you hadn’t been on your phone …” I’ve always made it a rule in my life never to have any technology in the bedroom. No TVs, no phones, no laptops, so that the bedroom is for sleep and sex. I’ve asked him if we could try this but he says he needs his phone to wake him up in the morning as he doesn’t like my alarm clock.

Next up: we always seem to be talking about him. He doesn’t ask me any questions about me or actively listen when I volunteer things. We talk about his day, his friends, his hobbies, his life; we don’t talk about mine. If I begin to volunteer information about my day, he’ll look at his phone or he’ll say “Hmm” or not say anything at all, until I just stop talking because it seems clear to me that he’s not interested. Then we return to a subject that’s related to him. I wonder if has the emotional empathy to be interested or show interest in other people very much, or if it’s just me.

Finally, over the past few weeks there have been a few times where he’s got drunk and created “drama” out of nowhere. Three weeks ago, he came over and teased me out of the blue, asking me what I’d do if he just left. I said I’d just let him go, if that’s what he wanted to do. So he left. I let him. He was back 10 minutes later asking me why I didn’t come after him. I said that it was his choice to leave and his choice to stay – that I wouldn’t try to force the issue either way. He said that it would prove I loved him if I came after him. He left again … I let him again. He came back again! The conversation repeated. He didn’t leave again and we just went to bed and forgot about it.

The following weekend, he said he was going to the pub for one drink with the lads around 6pm. At 1am, having heard nothing from him all night, I was in bed when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and he was there, very drunk, and he’d had his ears pierced three times by a girl down the pub – no sterile needles, just an earring pushed through the ear three times, which he’d shared with three of his mates. I was taken aback at how irresponsible I thought that was and I told him that he could catch something very nasty. He said I was “grumpy” because he was so late (I was, yes) but we went to bed. He started snoring, I couldn’t sleep, so I went to sleep on the sofa. The following morning, he wouldn’t look at me or talk to me for a while because he was annoyed that I’d slept downstairs.

Then, last weekend, he got drunk again and we went back to his for the first time since we met. He was reluctant to show me his room as he’s temporarily living with his mum and he’s embarrassed. But we went back and it was really nice to see where he’d lived. However, he just started saying “I don’t give a s**t what you think” and “This is bulls**t”, even though I hadn’t said anything bad. He continued saying this so I said I would leave and go back to mine. He followed me, saying “We’ve ruined it now” and I said we hadn’t ruined anything, that we were drunk and we just needed to go to sleep. He said that, when we got back to mine, he’d get his car and drive home and that would be that. I said I didn’t want him driving as he was so drunk. When we got back, he opened the car and I started crying (I never cry). We went indoors and he asked what the argument had been about and said it was silly, so we went to sleep.

This is becoming a pattern. It happens when he’s drunk and I’m usually sober. I’ve suggested not seeing each other when he’s had a drink but he drinks quite a bit and smokes 4-5 joints a day …

I’m thinking about suggesting that we see less of each other but make it quality time (no phones, no drink) but I instinctively know he’ll act defensively to this and say “Well, if you don’t want to see me then I’ll just go” or something like that. I’m not good with confrontation but feel I’m being walked all over here by someone who’s acting immature and emotionally unavailable.

Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

You definitely should be seeing less of each other. Like 0 hours a week.

This guy is a loser, and you know it or else you wouldn't be posting here. He's an alcoholic and a pot head. He's always intoxicated! He may only be three years younger than you, but mentally, he's still a teenager.

He's also a Narcissist. All he cares about is himself and his phone. Why are you putting up with this? There are other guys out there. Heck, being alone is better than being with this guy!

Get some self-confidence and send him on his way. He might not even notice he's been dumped. You should not be suffering fools like this jerk.

I would not continue dating him. He's too immature for the type of relationship you'd like, and he's got an issue with alcohol if he's drinking this much and behaving recklessly and belligerently when he's under the influence. 4 or 5 joints a day is also too much, in my books. How does he manage to work? Does he work? Go to school? I can't see how he'd be very functional or productive with all the substances he indulges in.

He's also too self-absorbed if he's constantly on his phone and not really engaging with you. It sounds to me like you're more a Girlfriend of Convenience for him, rather than someone he truly cares about.

Next him. He's not ready for a mature, committed relationship.

He sounds to immature and self centered to be able to even have a relationship with someone other than himself.

I also would never be able to stand a woman that dramatic so I can't imagine being a woman with a man that dramatic.

That doesn't sound healthy. It sounds like he just enjoys mentally screwing with you.

It may be best to cut your losses. It's only been 16 weeks of dating and already he's acting like a spoiled teen and you're acting like his mom. He sounds extremely immature.

I’m extremely attracted to him. He’ll arrive at mine, sit on the sofa and get his phone out.

I'm assuming you're dating to seek someone who will be a great longterm partner to you. During this time, you've learned many things about him, mostly bad. Shouldn't the fact that he could care less what you're saying be a dealbreaker? Value yourself and dump him. Make a must-have list and dealbreaker list going forward and stick to it. When choosing a partner, one of the most important decisions you will ever make, your brain needs to match your heart.

Major red flags all around. Especially the whole debacle about you chasing him to "prove" your love. Obviously, you can't compete with his drug habits either. Abort mission!

Three weeks ago, he came over and teased me out of the blue, asking me what I’d do if he just left. I said I’d just let him go, if that’s what he wanted to do. So he left. I let him. He was back 10 minutes later asking me why I didn’t come after him.

How could you look at his guy with an ounce of respect after something like this? If a lady pulled this on me, I'd be laughing at her until she grabbed her things and left. Even then, I'd probably ring her up just to continue.

You couldn't write this even into a script for an awful high school romance flick.

 

How could you look at his guy with an ounce of respect after something like this? If a lady pulled this on me, I'd be laughing at her until she grabbed her things and left. Even then, I'd probably ring her up just to continue.

^ Agree. So crazy it's funny. OP, you should have locked the door and never let him back in. That's not just drama, it's full on psycho behavior. Run not walk away from this unhinged guy. When someone shows you they are nuts, you better believe them.

He's acting like a 13 year old who doesn't yet "like" girls.

Does he work? How does he have the time and money to smoke all that pot and get drunk?

Do you often feel more like his mother than the woman he's dating?

I'm not quite sure why you are still considering him for a boyfriend. It sounds like you got emotionally and physically connected to him before you got to know his character, maturity, and relational skills. The reasons for this may be something that you might consider exploring in therapy. At 29, you are at a critical age, and the relational decisions that you make now, are really important as you move forward. The book, "Boundaries in Dating" may be a great book for you to read.

I’m extremely attracted to him. However, a few issues are starting to creep in and it’s leaving me feeling quite low and lonely.

 

 

asking me what I’d do if he just left. I said I’d just let him go, if that’s what he wanted to do. So he left. I let him. He was back 10 minutes later asking me why I didn’t come after him. I said that it was his choice to leave and his choice to stay – that I wouldn’t try to force the issue either way. He said that it would prove I loved him if I came after him. He left again … I let him again. He came back again! The conversation repeated. He didn’t leave again and we just went to bed and forgot about it.

So might I venture a guess that this boy is Brad Pittesque gorgeous, or any hot celebrity you prefer and that it's what primarily makes you think you want a relationship with

this guy !? Because the latter paragraph screams narcissism, he literally doesn't give a crap about you, rather than you running after him and begging on your knees, he is so

full of himself he can't fattom that you don't worship him, I mean this is baffling.

Otherwhise I don't see why trying to make it work with such a horrible person, you are definitely being walked all over, the problems is you are hardly putting any limits, so he'll

definitely continue to do it. This is not a thing you can change, heck people like this hardly ever change, you should look for men who reciprocates your attention and time.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post and reply, it means a lot. There are lots of insightful comments here and I appreciate it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but if, after I find a chance to speak to him, we can't sort this out, I think I'll end the relationship here. It's frustrating when the rest of our relationship is good but these problems are "non-negotiables" to me, so I'm just going to have to find the courage to leave. Thanks everyone.

"I’m not sure I’m confident enough to tell him that it’s really bothering me."

You are going to have trouble with this and any future relationship if you are not able to communicate your needs.

However, there are some red flags here. He is emotionally manipulative, and has insecurities that could lead to abuse. The drinking is a serious problem too, but I think it's his personality more than the drinking that you should be wary of.

Soooo. . what exactly do you like about this guy? And what is in it for you?

You mentioned that you addressed the phone use `jokingly'? Why haven't you told him exactly how it makes you feel?

What are you afraid of?

Honestly, this one needs to be thrown back, but before you do, why don't you -just for practice sake- tell him calmly and maturely how you feel and why you aren't happy with the state of this relationship. He doesn't get the chance to get it right if it hasn't been directly expressed to him.

From what you've shared, it's doubtful he'll get it right, but it's a good opportunity to practice using your voice and telling him how you feel.

How he reacts to it is out of your control.

If you are looking for permission to break up with this guy, consider it done.

The subtext to this thread is very clear: you are super attracted to a young dude who sucks. He can't see beyond his own navel (a common condition of men under 30) and can't go a millisecond without outside validation. Obsessive social media scrolling: validation seeking. A bizarre little manufacturing of drama when social media scrolling fails to produce the high: same thing.

Maybe part of your mind has been rationalizing all the obvious parts that suck: as a symptom of youth, something that will evolve in time, that the sucky qualities will magically fade away as he catches a contact high of your maturity, capacity for genuine intimacy and empathy, and ability to go three minutes without swiping through your phone. And maybe you're a bit tired of coming up with those rationalizations yourself, so you're hoping the hive here will give you a bit of juice so you can stay in a hot, sexy thing with a less than satisfying core.

But no. You're getting some real talk here, and why would he change? Being this guy (i.e. who he is right now) is what got him into your life (and bed) so he has no real incentive to evolve. And being young and good looking, and hardly even acting his age, he's not going to understand the consequences of all this in some lightening striking moment. It'll be something like 5 years from now when he shakes his head at the wobbly idiot he was at 26.

You can't grow him up. He'll grow up or he won't, on his own timeline. For you it's about asking how much longer the pleasure of attraction is worth the drain of feeling unseen and unheard by a dude whose sense of self (and self-worth) is a fraction of yours. And it's totally cool if it's worth a bit more of your time: hot is hot, and extremely attractive is, well, extremely attractive.

But just know what you're dealing with, so you don't resent him (or yourself) for wasting time.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post and reply, it means a lot. There are lots of insightful comments here and I appreciate it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but if, after I find a chance to speak to him, we can't sort this out, I think I'll end the relationship here. It's frustrating when the rest of our relationship is good but these problems are "non-negotiables" to me, so I'm just going to have to find the courage to leave. Thanks everyone.

I agree that these problems are significant ones, OP.

Taken in isolation, they are annoying. Taken collectively and consistently (as has been the case), they paint a picture of a young, immature guy who isn't serious about you or the relationship.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds more like you are babysitting a rebellious bratty teen rather than dating a grown man. There are way too many incompatibilities and red flags already and 4 mos is the rosy glow phase. Save yourself all these headaches and dump him. Let his own mother babysit him. Date grownups.

The most frustrating thing is that he’s always on his phone – checking Facebook, messages, watching sports, gaming.

we always seem to be talking about him.

I was in bed when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and he was there, very drunk, and he’d had his ears pierced three times by a girl down the pub –

Then, last weekend, he got drunk again and we went back to his for the first time since we met. He was reluctant to show me his room as he’s temporarily living with his mum “I don’t give a s**t what you think”

If you're "feeling ignored," constantly, I'd end it. Chances are, even if you hounded him off facebook, he'd find something else to ignore you with.

That's without all the other stuff you listed.