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Thread: How should I bring this up to my husband?

  1. #1

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    How should I bring this up to my husband?

    About a month ago, I saw on my husband’s phone (after I felt he was acting suspicious) that he had been responding to casual encounters. I approached this very calmly and even told him that I wouldn’t mind having random hook ups, with him. It seemed like a positive step in our relationship because we talked about boundaries, etc.
    I’m not a jealous person, and I love my husband and understand sexual desires. As long as it was random, safe, consensual and talked about, I don’t see the problem.
    I have even brought it up again since we originally discussed everything, but he seems kind of timid.


    Anyways, when he acts suspicious I go through his phone. He knows this about me. He could go through my phone at any time.
    He told me he worked New Year’s Day, and we both work in an industry that is closed New Year’s Day. He was adamant that he worked New Year’s Day. When I went to his company’s website to show him they even posted online that they were going to be closed, I saw him get defensive about how that’s going to disrupt his whole week’s schedule, and he had quickly pulled up Snapchat and was typing to someone. He then took a shower and left his phone on the bed. I read the message, it was to his female coworker who I have never heard of, and the message said “looooove last minute plan changes”

    I don’t know what that is supposed to mean. Did he think I would believe he worked so he could go spend the day with his female coworker? Made me sick, but I ended up brushing it off. Later, I checked again, and they had been messaging even more throughout the day. But Snapchat conveniently deletes the conversation automatically. I looked on his Facebook. She was the last person he searched in Facebook
    And instagram. Then, on his recent emojis, they are the heart eyes, kissy lips, hearts, etc. even a red high heel was in his top used emojis. He never ever ever sends me emojis. I looked thru his messages and he never sends emojis on texts to anyone. Does That mean he is sending these to his female coworker, the only other female in his conversations??

    What do I do. I was so calm
    About the casual encounters, but I fee if I bring this up I might accuse and blow up.
    I want to tell him this is his last chance and if I see anything like it again, no warning, I’m going to give him a taste of his own medicine. But I know that’s so unhealthy too. I just need rational advice and maybe some
    Tips to bring this up to him. :(

  2. #2
    Silver Member Ziggy123's Avatar
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    This doesn't sound good, Sorry. I would bring it up for sure.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Think a few steps ahead: where do you want this conversation to go? Does his answer even matter?

    Assume you're right - a fair assumption, I regret having to say - what to do you want?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    The hardest and most important thing for you right now is self control. Focus on you, what you want, what concrete actions you require.

  5. #5
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    Can I ask why u are being so calm and letting him off the hook so easily???

  6. #6
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    As a 20 year survivor of a serial cheater and a member of several affair recovery support groups, I've experienced and heard it all....... It's very likely that your husband at the very least is having an emotional affair and without your intervention it usually progresses very quickly into a physical encounter.

    Stories of spouses affairs with work colleagues, are a daily occurrence on the sites i'm a member of.

    Don't ever encourage your husband to have a random encounter with anyone else as the feelings he will have for her, in a new encounter will be more intense than you can ever give him in a long term (old) relationship. This is why many people leave their husbands and wives for their affair partners.... They are in what's commonly known as an affair fog (basically the euphoria you feel in a new relationship) and everyone else in their lives are not important, even children like in my case.
    Last edited by Matt0050; 08-04-2018 at 02:23 AM. Reason: Mistakes

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you agreed to an open marriage, then this is par for the course. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways where you condone outside encounters then act upset that he cheated. Perhaps he thinks he's being discrete, since you already told him he has free rein with other women. Do you also have outside lovers/encounters?
    Originally Posted by Bkay87
    told him that I wouldn’t mind having random hook ups. As long as it was random, safe, consensual and talked about, I don’t see the problem.

  8. 08-07-2018, 01:00 AM


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