Struggling with unrequited feelings and being removed from social media

This isn’t a usual break up story but wasn’t sure where to post it. Feeling totally rubbish and like a loser for even posting so please be gentle with me :( would appreciate any opinions or nice messages and sorry it’s so long

Basicslly I started working in a new job where I got on really well with my manager. He was instrumental in hiring me. After a year he was fired and he got me to go with him to the new firm. I did this because we got on really well and I fancied him. We just seemed to click and really get on. When he left we stayed in touch, I was hanging out round his house and he was trying to get me to join his firms Looking back - I don’t know whether we were truly friends or he was just buttering me up to get me to go with him.

I moved to work with him and things were great for 6 months. I definitely felt chemistry too and several people in the office and a friend of his have commented/asked if anything has ever happened between us. For whatever reason nothing ever did so I accepted he didn’t have feelings for me but mine never really went away.

I’ve been dating and had plenty of guys like me but never found anything strong enough for a relationship. And seeing him everyday made it harder. I am just so attracted to him and really had strong feelings for him.

After 6-8 months we started to not get on as well. He was under a lot of stress and he has not been liked by people in the office. His management style was pretty harsh and he was putting pressure on everyone. At the same time I don’t react well to stress and we started having arguments and various run ins. Looking back I don’t know who is more to blame but a few people left because of him so I know it wasn’t just me.

I always tried so hard to rebuild the friendship and it did work for a bit and then I would Get over sensitive due to my feelings for him when he was being harsh. Tension built up and we just didn’t seem to be getting on. He commented he thought I didn’t speak to him respectfully. We stopped hanging out outside of work and things became purely professional although he always maintained we were friends.

Regardless of all this I’ve been his highest performing employee and he did praise me a lot.

To cut a long story short - he has left the company. It’s not clear if fired or resigned but the party line is resigned. A few days before I noticed he removed me off social media. We had a huge row about this as I was so hurt. He turned it round on me saying it has no impact on his friendships and it’s not a big deal and we are still close friends. I see this as just manipulating as he clearly chose to remove me.

I know it sounds pathetic but I’ve been feeling devastated for quite a while. It only happened a few weeks ago and I thihk about it everyday. I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that he wasn’t liked, there’s a reason he was fired from his last job and he was not liked by many in the current job. I also know he hasn’t treated his girlfriends well as one complained to me a lot - when he found out he got really angry. But what does this say about me? That I want someone who a lot of people acknowledge isn’t a good person?

I realise it’s a good thing he’s left so I can get space and move on - but when I’ve been thinking about what I’m upset about it is the social media thing. Even if he didn’t stay in touch after he left I’d still feel ok about it although would miss him. But him removing me off social media seems so harsh, final and I didn’t thihk he disliked me this way. We have worked together everyday for 3 years! His line is still that I’m being silly and it’s nothing but come on he did it for a reason. He doesn’t want to see what I’m upto and it feels so harsh.

I appreciate how stupid this sounds - but I’ve just been feeling so sad and terrible about it. Like did he ever like me l, was the whole friendship a lie- was I just used as an employee? Even though I accepted nothing romantically would happen I felt close to him as someone I saw everyday. I wonder if he did it out of anger - in our row he said I was alienating him and trying to push him out of the company. I found this weird as there’s no way our poor working relationship would have led to him going. Was this just more manipulation?

I’m setting my expectations not to hear from him again but when he came in for his last day he was super false and friendly again although I could sense some tension still. It annoys me he thinks we are still friends and I want to message him to say we aren’t but I know that will just look psycho and pathetic.

I need to move forward and stop caring but I feel so hurt and just wish he could tell me honestly why he removed me - even if harsh it would maybe help me. I know I can’t message him without looking like a pathetic loser though.

It’s making me feel pathetic that after all this I still compare every guy I go on a date with to him and am still pining after a friendship that hasn’t really existed for quite some time. Not sure why I have these feelings for him but I wish I could be with him.

Any nice words or thoughts welcome xx

If he said you were alienating him and trying to push him out of the company, then yes, he likely deleted you out of anger. However untrue that may be, those are apparently his feelings and he's got some resentment there. My guess is those comments didn't come out of nowhere; what sparked this final argument to begin with?

Perhaps he also realized that a manager seen to be getting closer to a subordinate was not a very professional look, and so he wanted to distance himself from you anyway. Maybe he doesn't want that following him to wherever he works next and prefers to cut all ties. Hard to say without knowing more details.

I am curious, as you said he doesn't treat his girlfriends well and one of them complained to you a lot. Does he currently have a girlfriend? It's not entirely clear from your post whether he's single, and how you know this (ex?) girlfriend of his.

Yes — I’m just confused as to why he thought I was alienating him and trying to push him out of the company. When he knew he was resigning! Or perhaps he got pushed but he didn’t get pushed because of me. It just feels really sad he would delete me and not talk about this with me.

What sparked the final argument was when I found out he removed me from social media I went mad and told him I was going to leave and couldn’t work with him anymore as it made me so upset. I thihk it’s a horrible thing Tod o after knowing someone for 4 years.

His ex girlfriend I had met quite a few times and she messaged me. He does have a girlfriend at present yes

I know I need to try and accept the horibble reality he doesn’t like me anymore but when you have feelings for someone it’s just so hard. I don’t believe he treated me nicely the last year yet he’s seemingly the one who has the issue with me - and it’s difficult when he has been manipulative and said it’s me being weird and of course we are still friends when the reality is you don’t just remove friends off social media

Perhaps his girlfriend got wind of the fact that you two were close and didn't like it, and thus he has effectively removed you from his life.

This is really going to be for the best for you; if he has a girlfriend, he wasn't available for anything more with you anyway. It's best to really let this man go.

That would almost be a back handed compliment. I think it’s just unnecessary though - we have known each other for 4 years and surely he can have female friends? I’m a naturally bubbly kind person and it’s just killing me he did this and he feels hurt by or thinks badly of me. I want to reach out and make up but I feel that would make me look pathetic and weak when really he’s the one who hasn’t been nice to me. I guess I assume he will not contact me but if he does maybe it would be nice to talk and recover a friendship. It feels I’m never going to stop liking him and it’s crap he doesn’t feel the same - I can’t stop feeling awful and rubbish about myself - feel very disposable to him and like I just mean nothing

All of his peers were after him, he felt persecuted, and he lumped you in as one of the people after him. Try not to take it personally. Whether he really thinks you were a part of the persecution or not, you remind him of it and he needs to move on without baggage. What happened was clearly rough on him!

Also consider that the "persecution" may have been warranted, and that uts ok to like someone and still not like how they act or who they havs become. See this as an opportunity to let that friendship go. Maybe he has taught you something you want, see if you can narrow that down to something generic to help filter future dates without it being a comparison to your former attachment. It will take time though.

Having female friends is one thing. Having a female friend who clearly has feelings for him is another. You fall into the latter category. It would not be unreasonable for her to not feel comfortable with you being part of his life. How often did you two talk, and meet outside of work? I am trying to get a sense of the bigger context of your friendship.

You will meet someone else, someone single and more appropriate than your supervisor at work.

It will just take time to recover from the disappointment, but I promise you WILL recover.

Well, first of all, you put all these feelings on him. He never treated you as anything other than a friend and a workmate. Think for a moment if your boss had been a woman. Wouldn't you have changed companies if she asked you to follow her? Wouldn't she have acted in the same way your boss did? You are over-thinking all of this. You're acting like a girlfriend, getting angry that he took you off social media. (What was your ages, by the way? Older guys don't look at social media the same way as younger people.) Also, you said you had arguments. What were the arguments about? How you were feeling? How he was treating you? That could tell you a lot about what was wrong with the relationship. Anyways, you had these feelings. Obviously he liked you, but he didn't feel the same way.

You're also discounting a very obvious reason why he removed you from social media. Quite simply a current girlfriend of his might have felt jealous of you. We get so many posts about girlfriends demanding their boyfriends remove all references to other girls from their phones, social media and so on. And they go ballistic if they find photos of former girlfriends shoved into a desk drawer or on a phone. These are people who meant something to their boyfriends and they're expected to delete them from their lives and throw them out. If your boss doesn't have a girlfriend, he might have felt his chances of getting one would be better without you on his friends list especially when you were so close.

The usual advice is to go No Contact and never have any communications with him again, heal and move on. But since he's no longer your boss, you could see if he has any feelings for you by inviting him out for drinks and telling him how you feel. If he winds up dismissing you, then you have your answer and your closure. Even if you wind up sleeping with him, you have your closure. But I don't see that you have anything to lose. You're not going to look like a pathetic loser. He probably knows how you feel about him. Maybe you need to hear it directly from him how he felt about you and then you can move on. Think about it. You can either finally close the book on this one way or another.

Well for the last year we never do anything outside of work but obviously we talk everyday. She is a new gf so unless he spoke a lot about me she wouldn’t know. I think I am clinging onto the good times which were over a year ago due to my feelings and just wanting to spend time with him because I like him. I thihk being removed off social media has just felt so harsh and final - I’ve been crying a lot and drinking more. I feel so pathetic that I care so much but clearly to him it’s nothing

Please stop the drinking. Alcohol is a depressant, plus intoxicated people often decide to do things that are ill advised, such as sending flirty or angry texts. Plus all that drinking is bad for your health.

I guess it was rough on him but he brought a fair bit on himself! He didn’t treat people well. It’s true I don’t like who he has become and so I’m shocked that he doesn’t seem to like me but really he is the one who a lot of staff had an issue with. I am hoping he will maybe re add me in time and we can have a conversation but I guess I shouldn’t expect it. I guess I need to accept that if I didn’t have feelings for him I wouldn’t care about this - I think I never really got over my feelings. I feel so hurt he removed me off social media and just wish he would explain :(

Well for the last year we never do anything outside of work but obviously we talk everyday. She is a new gf so unless he spoke a lot about me she wouldn’t know. I think I am clinging onto the good times which were over a year ago due to my feelings and just wanting to spend time with him because I like him. I thihk being removed off social media has just felt so harsh and final - I’ve been crying a lot and drinking more. I feel so pathetic that I care so much but clearly to him it’s nothing

And did you communicate privately, or only at work?

If it was privately, there is every chance she knows you're emotionally attached to him.

We are the same age - both 30. The arguments tended to be because we were in a high pressure environment and he had an aggressive management style so I reacted badly. Or I would speak to him more casually than I would a normal boss and he would see it as undermining him.

I do feel there was flirtation and some chemistry there - but equally he never made a move so I need to accept he decided not to. Even when I last saw him he gave me a flirty look.

I told him recently over text I had developed some feelings so he knows. His friend also told me he thinks I fancy him. So he must know. He did not acknowledge my text so I have to accept he doesn’t share my feelings or even if he does he decides not to act on them.

You are right if he told me directly he didn’t have feelings I could move on easier. Instead I’m just having to assume he doesn’t - but it’s weird as quite a few people have asked if anything has ever gone on which made me think perhaps at some point there was something

He hasn’t deleted any other ex work colleagues from social media - just me. How he can say he still sees me as a good friend is beyond me as you just don’t treat friends this way

Privately but the messages were very work related. This gf is very new so I’d be surprised if she knows. Either way - if he had explained this I may have felt better. I’m sure he has friendships with other women - I feel he has just turned against me

Because he has a girlfriend and he knows you want to be more than friends.

Unfortunately this most likely will not end up with him wanting to date you. If that's what he wanted he had plenty of opportunities.

And we don't always get answers when we want them. I would say it's pretty clear that he doesn't intend to remain "friends ".

Be kind to yourself, and please stop the drinking.

I told him recently over text I had developed some feelings so he knows. His friend also told me he thinks I fancy him. So he must know. He did not acknowledge my text so I have to accept he doesn’t share my feelings or even if he does he decides not to act on them.

 

He hasn’t deleted any other ex work colleagues from social media - just me. How he can say he still sees me as a good friend is beyond me as you just don’t treat friends this way

Other colleagues likely have never told him they have feelings for him. You can't really compare yourself with them in that regard. The situation is totally different. The same goes for having other female friends. The game changes when one admits feelings.

I think he was uncomfortable when you shared your feelings, and I would not rule out the possibility that he told his girlfriend about your message. I can't see why it would therefore surprise you if she knows.

Under all these circumstances, it would not be a good idea to remain friends. He likely told you that to avoid having an awkward conversation about your non-mutual crush. I know it hurts, but you would be best to work on accepting the fact that this isn't going to develop and it's best for you to not try to push a friendship.

To clarify - I only told him I had feelings after the social media removal though.

But yes you are right - I shouldn’t remain friends. Ultimately I think the social media removal did still seem really harsh though - I wouldn’t do the same to someone I had known for 4 years - I just wouldn’t make an effort to stay in touch

One of the most important things I have learned over the past few years is not to expect others to behave the way I would. Expecting someone else to think and act the way we would can lead to some serious disappointment, as you're now feeling.

And really, would you want to have a front-row seat to his relationship on social media? It won't help you detach to see him with another woman.

Work towards accepting that he is not going to remain in your life. It won't be fun, but it will get easier.

Thanks - I will :( it’s hard when you really felt there was chemistry at one point. But I suppose I was deluding myself. I hope I can feel better soon as I’ve just been drinking a lot and crying feeling terrible - haven’t had this situation before

As boltnrun suggested, don't turn to alcohol. It will make it worse.

This won't be your last shot at love. Believe that you can and will have better chemistry with someone else, who is just as keen about you as you are about them.

It seems that you were holding onto hope until he deleted you. But if he never really made a move on you and now has a girlfriend, the ending of this story was already pretty clear, no?

I never find anyone as attractive as him. Unfortunately he is very good looking. Sigh

I never find anyone as attractive as him. Unfortunately he is very good looking. Sigh

Yeah, I thought that about an ex boyfriend. "He's the love of my life!!! I will love him FOREVER!!!111"

Except, he wasn't and I didn't.

Work is work. Unfortunately, you crossed boundaries you should never cross. Workmates should just be that, workmates.

Don't allow yourself to get emotionally involved. Not only will it wreck things at work but it is completely unprofessional.

It sounds as though you kept pushing for more and he has been not only polite but patient with it.(He didn't have to be). He could have fired you right then and there for being unprofessional.

I think the best you can do is learn the lessons from this time and don't make them again next time around.

Work is for a paycheck, it's not a dating site.

I think you've created a fantasy of the situation. If he had girlfriends during the time you were pinning for him, it was never going to work. He didn't see you that way. Whatever the reason he eliminated you from social media, it was for the best. Besides, probably the way you see him is not the same as he sees you. Maybe for him you're more like a work buddy than anything and it's all "not that deep". Also, sometimes work friendships are just that (even if you go out out of work). I'm just curious to know if he ever gave you hopes for having a relationship with you (have you ever been physical involved?) or if this was more like a platonic/fantasy thing.

It might take time, and I think that what's hurting the most is the feeling of rejection and not exactly the fact that you "lost him", as your idea of him seems to be more of a fantasy, as you yourself admit that he's not that great when you look into it with more rational eyes. And he's a committed man, so it's probably for the best that he focus on his girlfriend.