Ex bf has new gf after our 7yr relationship I’m devastated help

Just learned ex bf of 7yrs now has a new gf after 2.5 months of our breakup. I wanted him and missed him so much. Devastated alone all I can think of his he wooing her as he did me. We were engaged ! Yes we had issues and broke up a few times but always came back. He loved me so much. Wrote me a last email saying “I loved you like no other and would of moved mtns for you. I never thought I’d feel less love for you but I never thought you’d be that way u were with me “. It’s best we don’t communicate I’m moving on take care”. I can’t stand this. I’m in hell hell. I’m long forgotten and he’s all into her I’m sure. He said I was picky negative and complaining. But I wasn’t that awful. It was due to the way he acted and never took blame for anything. Lots of stuff. But I still wanted him. I did lots of nice things for him but he obviously doesn’t remember any. Pls help me pls help advice and what u think will happen with them ?and how do I move on.? We had such huge connection & chemistry. Lots in common and wanted to grow old together. How could he just forget this ?and how can he replace me? Why is it so easy for him and I’m here in hell. He was very hurt when we ended and so was I. He blames others a lot/ has few friends and pushed away family members had a terrible divorce. Step daughter refuses to see him. Son sort of scared of him. He dropped his two best friends over some issues. He has lots of narc traits. Very opinionated challenges can be negative. Bad temper and likes to have last word. But I stilll loves him. I wanted to work on us together. And I know he’ll be acting perfect for her ! Pls help

I know it's difficult to accept the breakup after seven years of being together, but it sounds like it was for the best. You two broke up several times, which always indicates incompatibility. You also listed a slew of negative traits of his that likely contributed to the breakup. Why do you still still want a person who pushes away those who love him and has, as you describe, "narc traits"? Connection and similar interests will only carry a relationship so far.

I don't know if your ex has narcissistic personality disorder or not, but the fact that you suspect he might is enough to indicate that you need to move on. Stop communication with him altogether and cut off any sources of information about his life. I know it hurts, but it doesn't actually matter that he's dating another woman. If he has NPD, he is in the love bombing stage and grooming her as he did you. If he is a typical guy who simply ended the relationship because it wasn't working anymore, he is avoiding dealing with the breakup emotions by starting a new involvement. Either way, he has made it clear he no longer wishes to yo-yo back and forth with you, so start working on accepting your new reality. Take some time to grieve before returning to the dating pool.

Will it last ? And am I totally forgotten.? Will he ever deal with his hurt or issues

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Even though I'm sure you know you guys were not compatible and you'll be happy again, it doesn't take away from the hurt you're feeling right now.

Nobody knows if this new relationship will last and chances are she's a rebound so shortly after a 7 year long relationship. You also won't be forgotten. I've never forgotten about anyone I've been with. Especially so soon after break up.

Try not to focus on him wooing her like he did you in the beginning, but all the awful arguments you've had. He still is who he is.

Will it last ? And am I totally forgotten.? Will he ever deal with his hurt or issues

You're not forgotten. It would be impossible to simply forget about a seven year relationship. That's not what you're really asking, though.

You want to know if he still cares about you and thinks about you, even though he ended your involvement and is with someone new. It's a form of validation-seeking that reveals your deep insecurity issues. He probably did and does care, but not enough that he's with you and working on the relationship. That's all you need to know, and frankly, all you can know given the circumstances.

It's time to take the focus off of him and bring it back to you. Be accountable for staying in a relationship with a man who treated you poorly. Also, realize that even if he "fixes" his issues, that may not mean he will come back to you or that the two of you are meant to be.

I don't mean to sound cold. I've been through very similar feelings and breakup situations. My experience has taught me that continuing to beat the dead horse is a mistake, and you will regret doing it. The best course of action is complete NC, which includes removing him from social media platforms. Get yourself to a professional ASAP, as well. They will help you deal with your unresolved feelings and baggage.

Do rebounds last ? I’m just feeling like he’s being rewarded with a new person while I’m here devastated and alone. It’s like I’m cut off totally. He was so cold when ending it last. I feel like he will be on his best behavior with her cause he knows how he can be. And she will get the new and improved man that I was wanting. He blames me for the breakup saying I wasn’t loving to him and he thought it was a one way relationship. He did so lots of nice things for me and kids but I tried to tell him things that bothered me and wouldn’t talk about it. Or dismissed me. Saying “you already pick on me and complain”! But I wasn’t that bad I tried with him. Made efforts when he said he felt I didn’t. I suprized him with a special date just in February. And drive to see him a lot. (Lives 1hr plus ) away. I brought him soup in Jan when he was sick. He loved that. Called me his angel. He truly was in love with me and I csnt see how he could jump so fast. Pls advice pls I don’t know how to move forward I feel guilt. And so sad he’s doing things with her we did and wanted to do. And kills me thinking they’re intimacy etc. we had huge chemistry. Now I’m alone and he’s happy moving ahead.

Rebounds sometimes last and sometimes don't. It really comes down to the quality of the relationship. One of my exes immediately started dating a co-worker after our breakup, and they are still together and seemingly quite happy over three years later. We lived together and were very serious. At the time, it really hurt like hell, but it stopped bothering me ages ago. I don't really care what happens to him now, but I suppose I am happy that he is happy.

It doesn't sound to me like you're reading anything I'm writing, though. You need to stop the spiraling thoughts that are telling you he is suddenly going to be everything you wanted for someone else. The fact is, he wasn't treating you well, so how he treats someone else hardly matters! I think you want to hear that it's only a matter of time before he comes running back, him and the new girl are doomed to fail, etc. but I can't in good conscience lie to you. Try to work on accepting that it's over.

You need to stop learning what he does. What he does has nothing to do with you. He hasn't forgotten you. He is just trying to move on and some people do that by entering a new relationship. This is no reflection of your past relationship. It's about him not being able to stand being alone.

He is treating her well because it is the beginning of the relationship. It is the honeymoon stage. Everyone does that at the beginning of a relationship. Chances are that he did it with you. Again, this is no reflection on you. He is still the same man. Chances are that given enough time his negative trates will resurface and he will treat her in a similar way if the circumstances are similar.

Time to throw in the towel. She may or not be a rebound. My ex of four years ended up marrying the girl he got with 1,5 months after our break up. Looking back at things snooping on his social media was a major mistake on my part. That information was not a reflection on our past relationship. It was about him needing to be in a relationship. I went in real NC after that so I have no idea what happened to his marriage but in retrospect, following up what he did after our break up was a major waste of my time and energy. It had nothing to do with me.

All the hurt you are experiencing, you are doing it to yourself by keeping tabs on him and then telling yourself all these negative stories about how well he is treating her and blah blah. What he does is not about you. It's about trying to make himself feel better and move on. You two had your time. Seven years and it still didn't work. That's a pretty big RED flag that you two were incompatible. That's the only information that IS relevant.

Everything else is irrelevant. What he did afterwards and how soon is IRRELEVANT. Whether it's a rebound or not is IRRELEVANT. Your hurt ego is keeping you stuck. Let go and focus on your life and goals as if he doesn't exist anymore. The person you remember (the one who kept coming back to continue your dysfunctional dance and waste your precious time) thankfully doesn't exist anymore.

It's your turn to stop wasting your own time. Stop telling yourself negative stories. Stop keeping tabs on him. Stop keeping yourself stuck like this. Your value is not connected to his actions. It never was. Time to move on. One day at a time. By focusing on new personal goals and your own life.

Yeah, I was going to say at the least, he was a Narcissist, but at the most, he may have been an abuser. Being quick to anger. Picking fights and arguments. Breaking up numerous times. Then apologizing profusely with exaggerated claims of love and then promising to change, but never doing it. And in almost every case, people write in and begin by saying "we both love each other deeply, but ... " Narcissists really only love themselves, and they just go through the motions of appearing to love someone just to keep their partners from leaving them. Perhaps you can change your opinion of your ex by Googling "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" and see if he fits the part of an abuser and you fit the part of a co-dependent. You might heal faster if you know what he really was instead of just remembering the good times.

And then as other people have advised you, stay No Contact and stop looking into what he's doing. Save yourself, get over him, and move on.

The best you can do now is accept that it is over and try to fix the things in yourself that contributed to the break up.

You can easily do a million other things, such as obsess, watch what they're doing, wait for him to come back, hate on them, hate on yourself, go over and over what went right or what went wrong.

Or you can do the above.

It's up to you where to use your energy, but the outcome is going to be the same. He is with her now and you need to let go, heal and move on.

Based on your previous threads about him - the relationship you had with him was a train wreck and he is no prize at all.

Will his new relationship last? That's impossible to predict. My guess is that it will be just as on-off as yours was. A long-term ex of mine (also dated about 7.5 years) immediately started dating someone just after we split. They're now married with a child. And you know what? She can keep him. He was just not the person I thought he was, so I was better off without him. I have moved on to a much better relationship myself.

Will he change? Probably not, at this point in his life. Judging from your other threads, he's had these problems all his life and even his own kids aren't at ease around him, there's a big problem. And it's him. Aim higher in life, for a better-quality guy.

Will it last ? And am I totally forgotten.? Will he ever deal with his hurt or issues

Nobody can answer these questions for you. Time will tell, in all 3 cases.

Thank you I love ur replies. Further now he has deliberately turned his private posts to public and has them at Knotts berry farm and st a comedy club a place we went together. And I had recently before the break, asked Him a few times to go to Knotts just us. I really wanted to go and he said maybe.

The comments looked staged (they’re not but wow). His aunts friends etc call her beautiful. That they are so cute and love love lovebirds.” He even said “yea she has the heart of mother Theresa.”

A friend of mine did see rhis and told me. I saw it. And it helped me get to mad angry stage. But of course I’m sad esp that he is so evil to turn them public. He never does that. Why would he do that to me ? Rub my nose in it. And rhis relationships started after just 2 months after our 7 years together.

FYI- he had written me an email out of the blue saying how he l”loved me like no other and would of moved mtns for you but u pushed me away with ur consistent picking - so idk what to say “. (I also did not pick in a mean way—- he’s very sensitive. ). I in turn wrote him back a loving letter about how I see things I did and want to try and work on us and go to therapy and how I should of done this and that. Yes ik. Fed the ego tons more.

He replied “thanks for the warm words. I’ve moved in. It’s best we not communicate “

Then 4 days later he posts those pics public. Pls tell me why and what’s in his twisted narc ways. And what do u think he’s feeling and feeling of rhis new woman.? I’m having trouble still. Hurts.

You can stop looking at his social media.

Yes, you can too help it! All you have to do is choose NOT to navigate to those particular sites.

It's a choice. Choose to continue to hurt yourself (and yes, this is YOU hurting you, not him) or choose the more positive path of choosing to move forward.

Thank you I love ur replies. Further now he has deliberately turned his private posts to public and has them at Knotts berry farm and st a comedy club a place we went together. And I had recently before the break, asked Him a few times to go to Knotts just us. I really wanted to go and he said maybe.

The comments looked staged (they’re not but wow). His aunts friends etc call her beautiful. That they are so cute and love love lovebirds.” He even said “yea she has the heart of mother Theresa.”

A friend of mine did see rhis and told me. I saw it. And it helped me get to mad angry stage. But of course I’m sad esp that he is so evil to turn them public. He never does that. Why would he do that to me ? Rub my nose in it. And rhis relationships started after just 2 months after our 7 years together.

FYI- he had written me an email out of the blue saying how he l”loved me like no other and would of moved mtns for you but u pushed me away with ur consistent picking - so idk what to say “. (I also did not pick in a mean way—- he’s very sensitive. ). I in turn wrote him back a loving letter about how I see things I did and want to try and work on us and go to therapy and how I should of done this and that. Yes ik. Fed the ego tons more.

He replied “thanks for the warm words. I’ve moved in. It’s best we not communicate “

Then 4 days later he posts those pics public. Pls tell me why and what’s in his twisted narc ways. And what do u think he’s feeling and feeling of rhis new woman.? I’m having trouble still. Hurts.

Why do you keep asking these unanswerable questions?

You ignore the responses and come back as soon as you touch the stove again. This isn't healthy.

Hes being childish and poking at you and its working. I cant say what he feels for this woman, but I can say the way hes treating you isnt love. Even if he is still contacting you, this is borderline emotinal abuse and the crazy thing is you have the power to end it. Block and delete.He will keep hurting you.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Hard as it is, you need to understand that his actions right now are just that: his, for him, not a verdict on you or the time you spent together, not a punishment. People heal in different ways, at different paces. They also flail in different ways, and we ALL flail in the wake of a breakup, sometimes for longer than we know. It's one of the hardest parts of a breakup, because even though you're no longer together you kind of cling to the comforting illusion that your ex is processing everything in exactly they way you are.

The spiral you're in right now is kind of a mandatory stage, but know that it can be endless if you allow it to be. Whether he's using social media with any intentions or not doesn't really matter, just like it doesn't really matter that he's dating someone 2.5 months later. It all hurts, yes—that's human. But what matters is that you guys did not work, and doing the work now to accept that with grace so you can get to the other side.

For what it's worth, I've handled a variety of breakups in a variety of ways. I've jumped into a new thing right away. I've gone though promiscuous phases that did nothing but make me miss my ex a million times more than ever. I've gone though phases of deep reflection and celibacy. I've posted photos on social media where I look like I'm having the time of my life, and photos where I look despondent. I've flailed with dignity, I've flailed like a fool. I've been constructive and self-destructive. Regardless of whether I was falling for a new person, lusting for a new person, sleeping with a random new person, or sitting alone atop a mountain journaling about life and love, I've never forgotten the person I shared space with. I retain a level of fondness, and sorrow, for every love that has run its course, even the ones that were hardest on the heart.

When I went through an especially brutal breakup last year I had to remember this when I found myself in similar shoes as you're in now. My ex was sleeping with new guys within weeks; heck, she'd slept with another guy during our last months together. Fun! Meanwhile, I was so crippled with existential dread that I could barely get through the days, let alone date, charm, imagine having sex or sharing my life with another human. At one point she and I talked reconciliation, with deep professions of love; she started sleeping with someone a few days later, and from what I understand was in some vague thing with the guy for a few months. Also fun!

I moaned, cursed the gods, judged her, judged myself—the works. Still, whenever I spun too hard, I just remembered that I'd done all the same things she was doing: that she was just healing too, making choices that worked for her, flailing in her own way. None of it negated the connection we shared: the good, the bad, the ugly. That is forever, just not for the present and future. So I just focused on what made sense for my own healing, which was a combination of travel, therapy, and deepening my friendships. Healing my heart so I could again be open to love was important to me, so I didn't want to cultivate bitterness toward her. I just accepted her actions as a reminder that we didn't work, wished her well in silence, and did what felt good to me rather than obsess over her choices.

It might be worth taking a moment to look at the degree of vitriol and negativity you're feeling now, to take a step back and ask yourself if you want to be someone who devotes this much time worrying about social media activity, and to remind yourself that all this is a reflection that, for whatever reasons, the two of you don't bring out a mature level of grace and compassion. It was similar with my ex: something about our dynamic just made everything fiery and spiteful. It didn't feel like the truest expression of myself, so I worked on that instead. I think you'll find a level of peace, and strength, by doing the same.

All the best on the journey. It's not easy, I know.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

 

Hard as it is, you need to understand that his actions right now are just that: his, for him, not a verdict on you or the time you spent together, not a punishment. People heal in different ways, at different paces. They also flail in different ways, and we ALL flail in the wake of a breakup, sometimes for longer than we know. It's one of the hardest parts of a breakup, because even though you're no longer together you kind of cling to the comforting illusion that your ex is processing everything in exactly they way you are.

 

The spiral you're in right now is kind of a mandatory stage, but know that it can be endless if you allow it to be. Whether he's using social media with any intentions or not doesn't really matter, just like it doesn't really matter that he's dating someone 2.5 months later. It all hurts, yes—that's human. But what matters is that you guys did not work, and doing the work now to accept that with grace so you can get to the other side.

 

For what it's worth, I've handled a variety of breakups in a variety of ways. I've jumped into a new thing right away. I've gone though promiscuous phases that did nothing but make me miss my ex a million times more than ever. I've gone though phases of deep reflection and celibacy. I've posted photos on social media where I look like I'm having the time of my life, and photos where I look despondent. I've flailed with dignity, I've flailed like a fool. I've been constructive and self-destructive. Regardless of whether I was falling for a new person, lusting for a new person, sleeping with a random new person, or sitting alone atop a mountain journaling about life and love, I've never forgotten the person I shared space with. I retain a level of fondness, and sorrow, for every love that has run its course, even the ones that were hardest on the heart.

 

When I went through an especially brutal breakup last year I had to remember this when I found myself in similar shoes as you're in now. My ex was sleeping with new guys within weeks; heck, she'd slept with another guy during our last months together. Fun! Meanwhile, I was so crippled with existential dread that I could barely get through the days, let alone date, charm, imagine having sex or sharing my life with another human. At one point she and I talked reconciliation, with deep professions of love; she started sleeping with someone a few days later, and from what I understand was in some vague thing with the guy for a few months. Also fun!

 

I moaned, cursed the gods, judged her, judged myself—the works. Still, whenever I spun too hard, I just remembered that I'd done all the same things she was doing: that she was just healing too, making choices that worked for her, flailing in her own way. None of it negated the connection we shared: the good, the bad, the ugly. That is forever, just not for the present and future. So I just focused on what made sense for my own healing, which was a combination of travel, therapy, and deepening my friendships. Healing my heart so I could again be open to love was important to me, so I didn't want to cultivate bitterness toward her. I just accepted her actions as a reminder that we didn't work, wished her well in silence, and did what felt good to me rather than obsess over her choices.

 

It might be worth taking a moment to look at the degree of vitriol and negativity you're feeling now, to take a step back and ask yourself if you want to be someone who devotes this much time worrying about social media activity, and to remind yourself that all this is a reflection that, for whatever reasons, the two of you don't bring out a mature level of grace and compassion. It was similar with my ex: something about our dynamic just made everything fiery and spiteful. It didn't feel like the truest expression of myself, so I worked on that instead. I think you'll find a level of peace, and strength, by doing the same.

 

All the best on the journey. It's not easy, I know.

This ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

Read that over and over, bluecastle is spot on. Awesome post

Agree, bluecastle is usually pretty on point.

Thank you so much for those words bluecastle. I’m sorry for your pain you had too.

Aw, thank you back. Life, it happens. For me the first 6 months were seriously tough, but even at the worst I knew I was going through something important. Questions. Reflections. Feelings. Things got ugly in some dramatic ways, sure, but I wouldn't take back a single second. I'm grateful for the love and for the lessons, you know?

I know it's difficult to accept the breakup after seven years of being together, but it sounds like it was for the best. You two broke up several times, which always indicates incompatibility. You also listed a slew of negative traits of his that likely contributed to the breakup. Why do you still still want a person who pushes away those who love him and has, as you describe, "narc traits"? Connection and similar interests will only carry a relationship so far.

 

I don't know if your ex has narcissistic personality disorder or not, but the fact that you suspect he might is enough to indicate that you need to move on. Stop communication with him altogether and cut off any sources of information about his life. I know it hurts, but it doesn't actually matter that he's dating another woman. If he has NPD, he is in the love bombing stage and grooming her as he did you. If he is a typical guy who simply ended the relationship because it wasn't working anymore, he is avoiding dealing with the breakup emotions by starting a new involvement. Either way, he has made it clear he no longer wishes to yo-yo back and forth with you, so start working on accepting your new reality. Take some time to grieve before returning to the dating pool.

In the the same boat, Jenn3164. We were married for nearly 29 years, mind you, and the divorce is not final yet. My soon-to-be ex started dating probably as soon as he announced that he wanted a divorce this past May (3rd time in 6 years), possibly sooner. After I moved out, I had to go back to the house to get some things that I needed/forgotten to take. I used to go back every day while he was at work. On the 11th day after moving out, I was going up to the master bathroom to get some plants when I discovered a 2nd pillow on the bed, a toothbrush next to my sink and a set of extra towels next to his. And, the stupid, thoughtless man didn't even have the decency/courtesy to get rid of the "evidence" before he left for work, knowing I'd be going there!!! I cannot describe the pain, hurt and anguish that I felt, not only for the demise of the marriage but also for the fact that I was replaced so quickly.

I've cried so much. I've lost so much sleep. One day, however, it dawned on me that I was focusing on all the good things that we shared and totally ignored the controlling and verbal abuse that I endured over the years. You do have to get through a grieving period but, PLEASE, do not focus on what he is doing with her, etc. I did that also for a while and it was eating me alive. It serves no purpose except to torment you. Do not do that to yourself. I now focus on how verbally abusive he was. Why would I want to stay with someone who belittled me so much of the time? That behaviour, I now realise, became a norm for him and he is probably unaware of it. Yes, I am still hurting but I also feel relieved to not have to be subjected to his belittling and verbal abuse and self-righteous ways. Hang in there! Hugs.

Thank you all. I’m just shocked. To know him so well and after our years. Now to see him happy snd not thinking of me one bit. He loved me like no other. And won’t realize that he did anything wrong in our relationship and i have admitted mine to him and how I wanted to change me and us. You’re right I focus on the good. I have to stop. Do u think he thinks of me at all? Anymore.? And I’m hoping they don’t stay together. I guess I want satisfaction of him wanting me back one day. Is this common? Rebounds after 2 months. And doing to same places we did taking same sort of pics we did !? I don’t get it. And do they rebounds work? I’m still denying and grieving so I just can’t snap out of it. And he’s so awful to make them public when they’re usually private mode. So mean

You're stuck in a loop. You keep asking the same questions over and over. You don't seem to even consider blocking his social media but instead choose to keep torturing yourself.

Right now, he's not hurting you...YOU are.

You're acting like you don't even like yourself and like you can only accept yourself if he does. Do you like yourself?

Yes I know there are so so many issues. I just feel like this girl will have the man I always wanted. That he’ll change himself for her and our 7 yrs gone. ? I wanted us to change and get better. He was my future. Doesn’t he have any feelings for me. Miss me. At all. Is he just pushing himself into her ? Do those last ?

Thank you. It helps. But I thought he’d start looking at her and wishing it was me. Cause I know if I met somene I’d still miss his face instead. Ppl have said he will miss you because she’s not you. And these public postings he knows I can see are so so hurtful. They were never public now they Are . He must have such anger still. I think he’s stuffing away his feelings and trying to move on with someone anyone. Cause we don’t work anymore. Its just hard to see someone I’m so comfortable with who I loved and was engaged to we were so intwined and now strangers. Just can’t accept it at least now. And can’t belive how he can either so fast. Maybe I don’t like myself now. Cause of my parts in it but I don’t think I was rhat bad! I did very loving things for him. Does he forget all specialness we shared ? I think he did really mess with my head. Badly. Worst part is I wrote him a loving email stating how I see my wrongs and want to love you and make it work. I said that he as right. I could see how I didn’t do this or that...etc. and he replies. “Thank u for the thoughts. I’ve moved on. It’s best we don’t communicate. Take care “. I mean who wouldn’t be devastated. Like I snd we never existed.