Overly Clingy Friend

I'm part of an online group that started out as an exercise challenge, and has morphed into an ongoing group chat. Last year, one of the girls and I started getting closer, as she was going through some things that I'd been through (abuse, changing support communities, etc). I was happy to give advice and be a shoulder to lean on while she worked on navigating the situations and establishing her own in-person friendships.

I have a hard time with online-only friendships; for me this is a fun group to chat with, but I have deeper friendships with my in-person group. For this girl, the online group is her group of best friends, and she's latched onto me in particular. She texts me on my phone and messages me on the group chat multiple times a day as well as on social media, and in the past she'd call a few times a week and also try to Skype me. I don't even talk to my close friends that much. It was wayy too much for me, and I tried being less available, ignoring her, being more distant or short in my responses, everything I could think of to try and subtly communicate my boundaries. Eventually we got to a point of confrontation where I said that I think we have really different friendship styles and I just don't feel as strongly about the friendship as she does at this point. A bit later I took a (communicated) break from the group chat and social media for a few weeks to focus on work and a few other things, and came back to hundreds of messages from her about her life, her thoughts, and asking me for more advice--even some giving me a deadline to respond that were within my time away. I confronted her about that and pointed out that it seemed weird to me that she would message me SO much, knowing that I was gone, and said that it would probably be better to take a break from our friendship for a while because she needs way more than I can give. It worked for a while, but as I've returned to the group chat, she's starting texting and private messaging me, even sending me gifts.

I'm at my wit's end. I've tried being direct, subtle, polite, brusque--I don't know what to do anymore. I really like talking with the group...just not so much with her.

I'm sorry you're in a such a position, OP. You sound like you tried to be kind, and then firm, and it hasn't worked.

I think you'll have to block her on every avenue you can. She is not respecting the boundaries you tried to establish so I don't know what other option you have.

If she sends you gift, send them straight back. How did get your address?

I'm sorry you're in a such a position, OP. You sound like you tried to be kind, and then firm, and it hasn't worked.

 

I think you'll have to block her on every avenue you can. She is not respecting the boundaries you tried to establish so I don't know what other option you have.

 

If she sends you gift, send them straight back. How did get your address?

Thanks. It's hard, because I do feel so bad for her and want to be compassionate--she's very broken in a lot of ways--but at the same time it's emotionally draining to feel like I'm an on-call life coach and therapist on top of my own job and hobbies and friendships. I think you're right: blocking her is probably the best course of action. Since I posted this, I've gotten three private messages on the group chat and one on social media. Do you think there's a good way to stop communication with her without impacting the rest of the group?

I agree, you'll have to block her.

Save all of her messages. Screen shot them, put them in a file. This has "Single White Female" written all over it.

Wow.

Unfortunately, if it were me, I'd go ahead and drop out of the group as well, and block the entire group. You might message some of the members you like individually and just tell them that you'll have to drop out due to work schedules (make something up), but do not post within the group anything about dropping out. Simply ghost the entire group, except individually telling certain people that you're unfortunately having to leave at this time.

Do not tell anyone in the group the real reason you're leaving. This girl could have multiple screen names.

Thanks. It's hard, because I do feel so bad for her and want to be compassionate--she's very broken in a lot of ways--but at the same time it's emotionally draining to feel like I'm an on-call life coach and therapist on top of my own job and hobbies and friendships. I think you're right: blocking her is probably the best course of action. Since I posted this, I've gotten three private messages on the group chat and one on social media. Do you think there's a good way to stop communication with her without impacting the rest of the group?

Just stop communicating with her. Don't respond to her messages. You don't need to inform anyone in the group, and if she causes problems at that level, it's her mess to sort out. If someone asks you privately, you could make up an excuse that you are too busy to respond outside of the group chat with anyone. Don't go into detail.

It's great that you are a compassionate person. The problem is that this girl appears either to not care or not understand your boundaries, and she is treading into harrassment territory with her unwanted contact.

What does she say to you in these messages? Did she send these gifts to your home, and if so, how did she get your address?

Just stop communicating with her. Don't respond to her messages. You don't need to inform anyone in the group, and if she causes problems at that level, it's her mess to sort out. If someone asks you privately, you could make up an excuse that you are too busy to respond outside of the group chat with anyone. Don't go into detail.

 

It's great that you are a compassionate person. The problem is that this girl appears either to not care or not understand your boundaries, and she is treading into harrassment territory with her unwanted contact.

 

What does she say to you in these messages? Did she send these gifts to your home, and if so, how did she get your address?

Mostly she treats me as a weird sort of diary--she vents, she reflects, she processes thoughts and situations. It doesn't seem to matter if I respond or not. I've tried encouraging her to use an actual diary, or to talk to her roommate or her family or friends or therapist about it, but nope. She "wants my perspective because I have so much wisdom". When I called her out on sending me messages while I was away expecting a response, she asked if she could still send me messages and I wouldn't have to respond. No, that's weird and bordering on making a fantasy version of me.

She got my address because her cousin (who I have a longer/somewhat closer relationship with and have met multiple times in person) and I did a gift exchange for Christmas, before this got extremely out of hand. Lesson learned there.

I agree, you'll have to block her.

 

Save all of her messages. Screen shot them, put them in a file. This has "Single White Female" written all over it.

 

Wow.

 

Unfortunately, if it were me, I'd go ahead and drop out of the group as well, and block the entire group. You might message some of the members you like individually and just tell them that you'll have to drop out due to work schedules (make something up), but do not post within the group anything about dropping out. Simply ghost the entire group, except individually telling certain people that you're unfortunately having to leave at this time.

 

Do not tell anyone in the group the real reason you're leaving. This girl could have multiple screen names.

Okay. It's a shame; as I said, there are people in the group that I enjoy talking to, but it will probably be good to not have the chat as a distraction as much.

I think that it would be best, for a while, to remove yourself from the group, but you can always come back at a later date. It's not like you have to leave the group forever.

Is it a group like this one, where you can read and "lurk" without anyone knowing you're on there? Can you put your profile into hide mode, so that you can still benefit from the group while you distance yourself?

It's possible that she'll latch onto someone else, and possibly (hopefully) get herself banned from the group.

And no, I wouldn't tell anyone in the group the reason you're inactive; as I said earlier, if anyone asks, just say that you're too busy with work.

You can always start posting again if/when you feel that she's moved on. She is a stage 5 clinger, and those types need someone to cling to. Once she realizes she'll get no response from you, and she finds a new target (possibly someone who isn't even in the group), you can safely start posting again.

To add to my prior advice:

I have a neighbor like this. We all bought new townhomes 15 years ago in a brand new community. Yes, for 15 years, I've been avoiding this one particular neighbor. We became fast friends when we first met, as we are similar ages, both single, professional, etc. Started doing a few things together, until I quickly realized she was like this friend of yours. Endless phone calls, messages, etc. She even drove from her house to my house (6 houses away) and sat outside one night calling me, messages saying "I can see your lights and tv are on". Yes, it was that bad.

Because she's my neighbor, and we participate in an HOA, I cannot completely avoid her. I completely stopped responding to her though. Literally. Unless it involves our houses and the HOA, I ignore. Ex.: HOA says we have to do "x", then I respond to her email. "She" says we should do "x", I ignore.

I purposely go the other way when I see her in my sight. If we do cross paths, I give a quick wave/nod, then move on. If she tries to engage in conversation, I suddenly remember that I have something on the stove.

I've been hoping for 15 years that she'll meet her knight in shining armor and move away, but no such luck. So I do have experience with these types, ugh.

Why not give this woman numbers to the local abuse hotline where free counseling is offered etc, so she is not relying on you for all of her support?

Sorry to hear this. Don't be manipulated. Block and delete her from all messaging and chat platforms and all social media. Also reset your social media privacy settings to only allow people you know to view your material. She's a stalker. That's a crime. No need to put up with this. Also mostly people are just nice normal people like you, however make sure to reflect on why you let things get this out of hand.

It's hard, because I do feel so bad for her and want to be compassionate--she's very broken in a lot of ways. Since I posted this, I've gotten three private messages on the group chat and one on social media. Do you think there's a good way to stop communication with her without impacting the rest of the group?

I think that it would be best, for a while, to remove yourself from the group, but you can always come back at a later date. It's not like you have to leave the group forever.

 

Is it a group like this one, where you can read and "lurk" without anyone knowing you're on there? Can you put your profile into hide mode, so that you can still benefit from the group while you distance yourself?

 

It's possible that she'll latch onto someone else, and possibly (hopefully) get herself banned from the group.

 

And no, I wouldn't tell anyone in the group the reason you're inactive; as I said earlier, if anyone asks, just say that you're too busy with work.

 

You can always start posting again if/when you feel that she's moved on. She is a stage 5 clinger, and those types need someone to cling to. Once she realizes she'll get no response from you, and she finds a new target (possibly someone who isn't even in the group), you can safely start posting again.

That's a good point. I've set myself into offline mode, and will take a break and check in in a few months to see what's going on!

So I don't think she ever was a real friend to you. You had things in common and your main role was giving her advice. Did she ever give you advice? How often did she ask how you were and mean it? Sure it's tricky -we all have time periods when the friendship is imbalanced -one needs the other more. That's cool when the friends know it will re-balance at some point, that it's atypical. It's not about keeping score. But here I think you was basically a zero as far as how much effort she put in to be a friend to you.

Why not give this woman numbers to the local abuse hotline where free counseling is offered etc, so she is not relying on you for all of her support?

I've tried. When we first started talking, she had no in-person friends and just spent time with her family and at work. I connected her to her local chapter of a national organization where I found a lot of good, supportive friendships, and she made some really fast friends there. I talked her into starting therapy (for what it's worth, we both went through parental emotional abuse rather than partner). I've told her to spend time working on her relationships in person rather than with me. And with everything I'm hoping that she'll either recognize her unhealthy attachment to me or move on to someone else, but so far no dice.

Sorry to hear this. Don't be manipulated. Block and delete her from all messaging and chat platforms and all social media. Also reset your social media privacy settings to only allow people you know to view your material. She's a stalker. That's a crime. No need to put up with this. Also mostly people are just nice normal people like you, however make sure to reflect on why you let things get this out of hand.

That's a good point: I have been trying to think about it. I think it was a combination of being willing and equipped to help her, and still learning how to set/enforce boundaries of my own, and having someone that is SO persistent in her attempts to contact me. They've never escalated to the point where I feel like I'm in danger, so I've been more reluctant to take extreme measures--just extremely annoyed.

So I don't think she ever was a real friend to you. You had things in common and your main role was giving her advice. Did she ever give you advice? How often did she ask how you were and mean it? Sure it's tricky -we all have time periods when the friendship is imbalanced -one needs the other more. That's cool when the friends know it will re-balance at some point, that it's atypical. It's not about keeping score. But here I think you was basically a zero as far as how much effort she put in to be a friend to you.

Honestly, she's very kind and generous, and would be there for me in a heartbeat. To me it feels like she's an 11/10 in terms of effort into me and I've only ever gotten to maybe a 4/10 for her, and the more she's pushed me to be better friends with her the less effort I've put in. I've been the one keeping it to more of an advice relationship--she started getting too invasive and personal, so I started being less open to letting her be a friend to me. I'd get smothered, and started feeling therapized, in a way? When we were more of friends, she wanted to me to take off work so she could come out and visit me for a straight week, and she wanted to hear every single detail of my day and how having pancakes instead of cereal for breakfast made me feel. Even now she's imagining that I'm distant because I'm depressed and keeps asking me if I'm okay and if I've talked to anyone and letting me know that she cares about me and is there if I ever want to talk, etc. She's forcing the friendship to be more than it is for me, and it feels like I'm leading her on by letting it be any more of an advice relationship.

That being said, she has definitely created this idealized version of me and I'm not so sure that she wants to be friends with me so much as with SOMEBODY.

How old is this person, OP? Had her cousin ever mentioned to you that she is a little off?

How old is this person, OP? Had her cousin ever mentioned to you that she is a little off?

Mid-30's, and no.

Have you thought about perhaps bringing a third party (fake) individual into this?

I had a best friend in my first year of uni and though she wasn't a keen, clingy friend, she would wonder why I got distant ; there WAS a reason and that was my ex boyfriend. The second she saw that I put him first she got very very upset with me and pulled away as an act of defence; now I was wrong in this instance as she helped me through so much but she confronted me saying "I'm your number 2 option now" to which I said "I haven't found a best friend, its just my prerogative to put him first as I think we could last a long time"

You show your huge interest on a guy and she will flee, merely as she won't be able to contain herself from feeling angry/upset.

Have you thought about perhaps bringing a third party (fake) individual into this?

I had a best friend in my first year of uni and though she wasn't a keen, clingy friend, she would wonder why I got distant ; there WAS a reason and that was my ex boyfriend. The second she saw that I put him first she got very very upset with me and pulled away as an act of defence; now I was wrong in this instance as she helped me through so much but she confronted me saying "I'm your number 2 option now" to which I said "I haven't found a best friend, its just my prerogative to put him first as I think we could last a long time"

 

My dating someone didn't change anything--she just got invasive about that and wanted to know how he treated me and what we talked about--and even explicitly saying, "Hey, thanks for the support but really, I'd rather talk to another friend about [X]" or "Sorry, I can't talk, hanging with someone else" hasn't changed anything. She's just changed what she says to "I know you have other people to talk to if you need, just want to let you know I'm here for you too".

The Internet does draw people who have problems. It gives them a method of expression they didn't have before. And that includes the ability to harass near-strangers. I'm afraid I agree, you should probably drop out of your exercise activity group and block her on everything. If she gets through the blocks, don't even bother reading anything she sends. Delete, delete, delete.

I'll have to admit, I haven't had to explicitly stop a friendship with someone since I was like 7, when all it took was "I don't want to be friends with you anymore." Then we became mortal enemies and carried on until we went to separate schools.

Well now is the time to reign it in and nip it in the bud. The problem with disordered/deranged people like this is precisely what you describe with the insidious creeping of boundaries. First it's confiding, then incessant messages then a red flag is sending something to your home address. Surely you don't want her showing up. She will move on when the satisfaction of responses from you ...good or bad...leave her to hunt for the next.

They've never escalated to the point where I feel like I'm in danger, so I've been more reluctant to take extreme measures--just extremely annoyed.

You've handled it well.

She is an emotional vampire. You need to cut off her supply source. Forever!!!

This chick needs professional help, but she will never change. This type never does.

To add to my prior advice:

 

I have a neighbor like this. We all bought new townhomes 15 years ago in a brand new community. Yes, for 15 years, I've been avoiding this one particular neighbor. We became fast friends when we first met, as we are similar ages, both single, professional, etc. Started doing a few things together, until I quickly realized she was like this friend of yours. Endless phone calls, messages, etc. She even drove from her house to my house (6 houses away) and sat outside one night calling me, messages saying "I can see your lights and tv are on". Yes, it was that bad.

 

Because she's my neighbor, and we participate in an HOA, I cannot completely avoid her. I completely stopped responding to her though. Literally. Unless it involves our houses and the HOA, I ignore. Ex.: HOA says we have to do "x", then I respond to her email. "She" says we should do "x", I ignore.

 

I purposely go the other way when I see her in my sight. If we do cross paths, I give a quick wave/nod, then move on. If she tries to engage in conversation, I suddenly remember that I have something on the stove.

 

I've been hoping for 15 years that she'll meet her knight in shining armor and move away, but no such luck. So I do have experience with these types, ugh.

What a nut. Can't believe she sat in front of your house.