Responsibilities?

Just wondering where my responsibilities for her end. We’ve been back together for a year and a half, engaged, planning a move to Arkansas. But this has been a strange hitch for me, and a hard one on her, I get that. Right before I came back to work she got evicted from the house she was renting, that was the first time I hadn’t paid the rent bc she said she had it, turns out she didn’t. Now her phone is fixing to be shut off. I get that sometimes life throws you a curve ball but she’s living with her mom, so no rent, or utilities, I’m paying her car insurance. Am I suspposed to pay her phone bill too?

To top it off she’s suspposed to come to Alabama when I get off, but 10 to 1 she’ll say she can’t come up, and truth be told I don’t want to go down there, this had been a long hitch, I’m physically and mentally exhausted and really just want to go home, relax, and play with my dog.

So you're saying she's not paying her bills and she expects you to pay for them. Oh, boy. That's going to be a huge problem if you guys get married. You might want to rethink it. I would say technically you're not responsible for her bills until you get married. And I think if you get married, you're going to have to support her. So you've got a lot to consider.

That’s the thing, idk why she’s not paying her bills, she’s working constantly and shouldn’t have many expenses

She works? if so, she has the money to pay the bills. If that's the case, my guess is that she is one of these people who never get their sh*t together. Are you sure you want to marry her? She seems trouble.

Probably horrible at managing money and also doesnt know the problems that come with not paying bills.

If thats the case you can put some control in it when married. However you should manage the money in the household.

If its just plain not give a crap then yes

... Problems...

What does she spend all her money on?

She sounds terribly irresponsible. Not a great quality in a life partner.

Why did you two initially break up?

EDIT: Hold up. This woman? OP, you're fooling yourself if you think this will get better.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=551747

Yep that woman. The intial break up was 10 years ago then got back together a year and a half ago. As of reasons for the initial break up 10 years ago, just our two totally separate worlds

She sounds like a complete mess.

Men like unstable users apparently.

I'd say your responsibilities end where you decide they end. You can pay for everything. You can pay for nothing. You can split everything. The key is being with someone who sees things the same way, and it's there where you may have a real problem.

Clearly, your gf doesn't really know how to manage money. And why should she learn? She's developed another strategy that "works" fine for her, which is to outsource those "curve ball" moments to others. Being able to move back home, being able to get you to rescue her from bad choices. That's how she copes, and don't kid yourself into thinking that's going to change anytime soon, and certainly not with marriage. If anything, marriage will just validate it as "working," sealing this dynamic, and setting you up for a lifetime of having to pick up the slack. If you go down that road you can't resent her—you've got the information.

So now is the time to do some real thinking about things, and to take some very real steps to seeing if you can change this dynamic before you take the next steps. I can relate. My ex is terrible with money, always spending more than she has. Drove me bonkers, as I'm the opposite. At one point, blinded by love/ego/fear of being alone, I'd kind of convinced myself that this could work for me, that I'd pick up her slack for life and savor the other things she brought to the table.

Nearly a year out of that relationship, those blinders replaced by sanity and a reconnection to my core and core values, I can't tell you how happy I am to have dodged that bullet. Moving forward, I know I have no patience for this sort of thing. I recently started seeing someone new. And you know one of the things I'm so attracted to, aside from her wit, her intelligence, and, yes, her staggering beauty? That she has a perfect credit score and is proud of that. She owns a home, her ship is sound, she doesn't need me to shield her from the curve balls. Without that need there's all this space to relax and just WANT each other, without the edge and anguish.

She sounds like a complete mess.

 

 

Men like unstable users apparently.

Men and women alike choose such partners. It doesn't matter the gender, I've seen both.

I believe relationships are healthy when both people in them treat each other as equals, not dependents. It is hard to respect someone when you take care of their shyt or pay for it like you do for your child. Likewise, it is hard to have a romantic relationship when the person you're with is your daddy/mommy or personal piggy bank.

Stop paying her bills. Period. She is an adult, yes? Treat her like one. It gets worse after marriage. She could destroy your credit if she can't pay her own basic bills, relaying it to you since you'll be married. It's hard to pay for two people. Add children and it's worse.

I'd say your responsibilities end where you decide they end. You can pay for everything. You can pay for nothing. You can split everything. The key is being with someone who sees things the same way, and it's there where you may have a real problem.

 

Clearly, your gf doesn't really know how to manage money. And why should she learn? She's developed another strategy that "works" fine for her, which is to outsource those "curve ball" moments to others. Being able to move back home, being able to get you to rescue her from bad choices. That's how she copes, and don't kid yourself into thinking that's going to change anytime soon, and certainly not with marriage. If anything, marriage will just validate it as "working," sealing this dynamic, and setting you up for a lifetime of having to pick up the slack. If you go down that road you can't resent her—you've got the information.

 

So now is the time to do some real thinking about things, and to take some very real steps to seeing if you can change this dynamic before you take the next steps. I can relate. My ex is terrible with money, always spending more than she has. Drove me bonkers, as I'm the opposite. At one point, blinded by love/ego/fear of being alone, I'd kind of convinced myself that this could work for me, that I'd pick up her slack for life and savor the other things she brought to the table.

 

Nearly a year out of that relationship, those blinders replaced by sanity and a reconnection to my core and core values, I can't tell you how happy I am to have dodged that bullet. Moving forward, I know I have no patience for this sort of thing. I recently started seeing someone new. And you know one of the things I'm so attracted to, aside from her wit, her intelligence, and, yes, her staggering beauty? That she has a perfect credit score and is proud of that. She owns a home, her ship is sound, she doesn't need me to shield her from the curve balls. Without that need there's all this space to relax and just WANT each other, without the edge and anguish.

OP hope you read this and paid attention.

Yep, once she has legal access to your paycheck she'll spend that too.

You work hard. Do you want all your hard earned cash to go toward her frivolous spending? Do you want your credit to go into the toilet because she spent all your money and the mortgage/utilities /car bills weren't paid?

As another person said, it is up to you to choose where your responsibility ends. If this same thing were happening to a friend, what would you say to him/her? Now say that to yourself and take your own advice.

That’s the thing, idk why she’s not paying her bills, she’s working constantly and shouldn’t have many expenses

Don't get hung up on the reason why she's not paying her bills. Focus on the fact that she is acting like a dead weight. Picture a relationship as a boat that you want to sail. Do you want a big ole anchor weighing you down, or would you rather have a motor (or a sail or an oar)?

Cap, she is very irresponsible. I think somehow you know this. She drinks too much, she is essentially using you for your paycheck.

I personally think you can do a lot better, I really do. I have thought that all along and I still do.

I really hope you think all of this through before you make the worst mistake of your life and marry her.

I also think you should tell her you can't pay anymore of her bills (and mean it). I bet she will be gone and won't look back. Because that's the type pf woman she is.

I know on some level you think you need to pay her bills in order to look after her, but you don't, and you never had to.

Please, push her to treat you better and to stop using you. That's the only way it will work and for you to see her true colors.

Just wondering where my responsibilities for her end. We’ve been back together for a year and a half, engaged, planning a move to Arkansas. But this has been a strange hitch for me, and a hard one on her, I get that. Right before I came back to work she got evicted from the house she was renting, that was the first time I hadn’t paid the rent bc she said she had it, turns out she didn’t. Now her phone is fixing to be shut off. I get that sometimes life throws you a curve ball but she’s living with her mom, so no rent, or utilities, I’m paying her car insurance. Am I suspposed to pay her phone bill too?

To top it off she’s suspposed to come to Alabama when I get off, but 10 to 1 she’ll say she can’t come up, and truth be told I don’t want to go down there, this had been a long hitch, I’m physically and mentally exhausted and really just want to go home, relax, and play with my dog.

Wow. Run. Please don’t marry her.

Here''s my take ---

my aunt and uncle - my uncle is extremely irresponsible about money. He doesn't gamble or buy drugs. but he can't budget and likes shiny objects. My AUNT handles all the money because of this. She pays all the bills. Uncle gets some pocket mad money that she can't say boo to what he spends it on. he is getting better with pritoritizing and saving for the bigger shiney object than being so impulsive. Is good at other things - cooking, handymanning around the house, he is a patient teacher of driving, sports, and building things to all the nieces and nephews. But he stinks at money.

If you had a job that was 9 to 5 and she was a caring woman who was good to you, was an amazing cook or was strong in whatever you were lacking but just couldn't handle money -- then marry her --- but if you are still gone with work 2-8 weeks at a time and then you come home, you need a woman who will competantly manage the house and your joint finances so that when you come home, you will have a house to come home to that is not in arrears. Yes, you will have responsibilities - you can't just come home go fishing for 10 days and not see her ---------- but like a military wife, its up to her to handle lots of stuff.

So I say maybe she is not the best woman to marry.

I also suggest that if you want to meet a future wife and don't want to retread with women from your past, you change careers - because the only woman who really wants to marry a man that is ALWAYS gone may have something to hide or may not adjust well when one day you stop being gone so much. At least with a military spouse - they move on base with you if you were stationed overseas in some cases or at least had years with you before you were deployed.

Honestly, also, if she is living in another state on top of you being gone, why don't you move to be near her so when you come home you are nearby instead of her needing to take a week or two off of work when you are back home? if you are always gone, does it matter where you live. Who has your dog when you are gone?

Every able adult is responsible for their own bills. Wanting someone to pay for my stuff doesn't obligate anyone to make it so.

Decide where you want to live and who you want to see--and not see. If you want to see someone who puts a price on that exchange, then clarify the currency and whether you're willing to pay it. If not, skip the transaction and don't bother arguing about it.