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Am I being stupid for being jealous over his kids?


Rachel123

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Although I do not have children of my own, i totally understand that a parents love is unconditional and their children come first.

 

I don't have children of my own so I'm struggling a little with my partners relationship with his boys.

We've been together for 2 years now and for the last year, I've been his last priority. They seem to come in the order of;

1.work

2.boys

3. Gym

4.running

5. Me

Work is a huge this for me too...i work weekends and rarely get a day off when he does, we work late shifts and struggle to get time in his working week as he likes to get up early and go to the gym.

Weekends are a struggle, i work most of them but im really struggling with the fact that he has his two little boys as much as possible. (Honourably). But where do I fit into this schedule?

I've tried asking him to go to the gym evenings so i can have dinner ready for him and we can stay up for a little bit together. But he'd rather "be awake with the rest of the world".

When we do get a evening together, it's usually cut short abruptly via him falling asleep on the couch.

Please help, where do I start?! I know I'm in the wrong for wanting to come first once in a while but im actually starting to feel so lonely...

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Then bring home takeout to spend more time with him or on the days he is working and you are not, cook ahead.

I think absolutely his boys need to be a priority over you at this point. you are dating. you are not heading towards the altar, or you have not said.

If his boys are small, they especially need his attention vs they are older and they want to spend time at friends house or have extracurriculars that decrease his face time with him.

what about suggesting a date night every other week?

Can you switch your schedule to have one weekend day off every other weekend?

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If gym and running are preceding you in importance, this is the problem, not the children. He is cutting activities with you short by sleeping, he won't compromise on when he works out, he is being perfectly clear about where you fit in and you know it. The issue is not him, it is you. Are you okay being fifth or do you want someone who prioritizes you where it is reasonable?

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If gym and running are preceding you in importance, this is the problem, not the children. He is cutting activities with you short by sleeping, he won't compromise on when he works out, he is being perfectly clear about where you fit in and you know it. The issue is not him, it is you. Are you okay being fifth or do you want someone who prioritizes you where it is reasonable?

 

I agree with this, it's not his kids that are the problem, it's the gym.

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Work, kids, personal health, you? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Sorry, but there is such a thing as preferring to work out in the morning instead of the evening. Been with my lady coming up on five years and there's no way on God's green earth I'm going to switch my routine to the AM for her. Not gonna happen.

 

If your routines don't match up to your satisfaction, find another guy.

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Agree that kids, work, health should be the priorities. However having him live in your place seems to be where the imbalance and resentment comes from. This isn't about the gym or single parents or when dinner is served. It's about the overall poor quality of the relationship and the lazy complacency that has set in. He's taking things for granted now that he's moved in and just ditches the romance for the gym and the couch. Stop playing wife and step parent. Stop enabling all this.

We've been together for a year and a half...we lived at his flat for a couple of months then i bought a house and he moved in with me.
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Work, Children, Health, Significant Other. Sounds reasonable to me, too. He's self-responsible and a responsible parent. He has to be.

 

The list is not the same as a schedule, though. It could be he's more of an early bird and you're more of a night owl. That can be a challenge, but isn't about being a priority or not.

 

What about having mid-day dinner and activities together rather than evenings?

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Work, Children, Health, Significant Other. Sounds reasonable to me, too. He's self-responsible and a responsible parent. He has to be.

 

The list is not the same as a schedule, though. It could be he's more of an early bird and you're more of a night owl. That can be a challenge, but isn't about being a priority or not.

 

What about having mid-day dinner and activities together rather than evenings?

 

She only becomes #1 if they were married. A girlfirend should come behind children.

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In theory, maybe, but one does need to support oneself in life, so for most people work is a scheduling priority.

 

I don't mean being a wife and being #1 means you don't work to gaze into her eyes or take a walk along the beach. At that point, you are partners in life, and you work, but to support your life together -- relocations and promotions at each of your work are made with an eye towards whats best for the both/family. You are the joint decision makers helming the ship. Right now, she is a girlfriend and his kids are first.

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Even if his priorities are reasonable for HIS life, seems like a lonely road to me being in your shoes. What's the point of being exclusive if you can't be a big part of each other's lives?!

 

It's not wrong to want more. I just don't think this guy has it to give. He made his choices. You are free to make ones that work for YOU.

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I don't think this is about a list of who/what is #2 vs. #4, etc.

 

This is about you feeling like you come last, after everything. I wouldn't like this either.

 

No one would ever argue that his kids shouldn't come first. Of course they should. But hobbies/free time activities should be worked out on both sides so that both people feel like the partner is giving equally, in terms of time, to the relationship.

 

No, he shouldn't be asked to move his gym time from morning to night, or whatever. People come into our lives with certain routines, and those routines are largely based on their lifestyles, their circadian rhythms, etc.

 

But to request say, 2 nights during the week and at least 1 night during the weekend together (or whatever works for you) is reasonable.

 

I think this is largely insecurity-based, which I don't blame you for. I'd feel this way too. Someone who has so many activities going on that they put you last is always going to make you feel insecure. However, the flip side is that you can be seen as needy if you ask for/demand too much, or more than he's willing to give, time-wise.

 

If you're a 5-dates/week type girlfriend, and he's a 1-2 dates/week type guy, then you'll either have to adjust to his schedule or realize he's not the one for you.

 

I dated someone like this several years ago. His kids were grown, but he was more of the 1-2 date/week type guy, and I ended up realizing I wanted more. I spent 2 1/2 years with this guy, and it never changed. Well, duh me, of course not. This was who he is. I wanted something different.

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She only becomes #1 if they were married. A girlfirend should come behind children.

 

I don't agree with this. Not everybody wants to be married. I don't want to be married. Does that mean I have to settle for a crap relationship? No. If I get married, will it turn my crap relationship into a good relationship? No. A mediocre relationship is a mediocre relationship. You don't have to marry to be a parent, you just have to mesh with the family dynamic. That means everybody changes a little bit and makes room.

 

Rachel, it's not unreasonable for people who have children to prioritize their children over everything else, even work. Unless his family is independently wealthy, I am sure he is working to feed and clothe his children. In addition to food, clothes, and shelter, his kids have emotional needs that must be addressed and these things don't wait for the next available appointment. Parenting is a full time job on top of regular work, and many people who become parents lose balance in their lives. That's why the self-care is important for him.

 

In your boyfriend's case, it seems like everything is revolving around the children. But obviously everyone is different. Some people use parenting as a barrier to intimacy (kind of like workaholics). Some people use parenting as a way to maintain control in romantic relationships (my mom). Some people more or less abandon their children (my dad).

 

What are you looking for in a relationship? Are you interested in becoming a parent? Where do you stand in their life? Do you participate in the family dynamic or are you more of an onlooker? If you are just looking for a guy to pay attention to you, he may not be your man.

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I think this is why a lot of marriages go stale and one (or both) of the spouses seeks attention or is vulnerable to attention from outside the marriage.

 

If all he does at the end of each day is go home and collapse on the couch, if at least part of your weekend (or time off from work or parenting) isn't spent focusing on the two of you (and I don't mean grocery shopping, doing laundry or mowing the lawn) doing fun or relaxing activities, the relationship will go stale.

 

Does he have to completely rearrange his life to do this? Probably not. If he likes his workouts to be at a certain time, then the two of you need to plan around this. And he needs to be willing to do so for the health of the relationship.

 

I told my ex husband that all I needed from him is ONE day a month for us to focus on our marriage and for us to do something special for one another. He told me I was asking way, WAY too much. Twelve days out of the 365 in a year was too much effort for him to make.

 

Notice I referred to him as my EX husband...

 

And for the record, we had kids and of course caring for them, taking them to activities and working to provide for them was our #1 priority. The problem was he wasn't willing to make our relationship with one another one of HIS priorities. He just wasn't interested in doing so and that is really what killed our marriage.

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Thankyou for everyone's messages.

This seems like it's as complicated and controversial to everyone else as it feels to me.

I agree with each and every comment that is made (even those that are a little harsh in reality).

I 100% do not think that I should come first every single day of his life.

I'm more than willing to take a back seat when the boys are around...in fact, i feel it to be healthy that I am in work while theyre with him; to allow their bond to remain and grow.

Our relationship dynamics have changed alot since hes moved in with me.

We no longer go for a full English twice a week...instead I wake up to an empty bed while he's at the gym/running.

We no longer stay up after tea to have a drink, talk or play games.

I Feel like I'm forever trying to keep up and schedule myself in and he feels he's in my shadow since I've bought a house and a car.

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It seems this is the main issue. You may need to ask him to leave. He's gotten lazy, selfish and complacent so this has nothing to do with quality kid time, work or fitness. That's what he's led you to believe with his excuses and now that he's parked himself in your house. Kick him out he sounds a bit parasitic.

Our relationship dynamics have changed alot since hes moved in with me. I Feel like I'm forever trying to keep up and schedule myself in and he feels he's in my shadow since I've bought a house and a car.

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Although I do not have children of my own, i totally understand that a parents love is unconditional and their children come first.

 

I don't have children of my own so I'm struggling a little with my partners relationship with his boys.

We've been together for 2 years now and for the last year, I've been his last priority. They seem to come in the order of;

1.work

2.boys

3. Gym

4.running

5. Me

Work is a huge this for me too...i work weekends and rarely get a day off when he does, we work late shifts and struggle to get time in his working week as he likes to get up early and go to the gym.

Weekends are a struggle, i work most of them but im really struggling with the fact that he has his two little boys as much as possible. (Honourably). But where do I fit into this schedule?

I've tried asking him to go to the gym evenings so i can have dinner ready for him and we can stay up for a little bit together. But he'd rather "be awake with the rest of the world".

When we do get a evening together, it's usually cut short abruptly via him falling asleep on the couch.

Please help, where do I start?! I know I'm in the wrong for wanting to come first once in a while but im actually starting to feel so lonely...

 

I think your title is a little misleading. It seems he's not so much putting his kids first, he's putting everything first.

 

You can stay and hope you become a higher priority, or leave, and find someone who sees you as more of a priority in their life.

 

Work is important to live. But I don't believe in living to work. At the end of your life, it's the people that matter most, not the job.

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Our relationship dynamics have changed alot since hes moved in with me.

We no longer go for a full English twice a week...instead I wake up to an empty bed while he's at the gym/running.

We no longer stay up after tea to have a drink, talk or play games.

I Feel like I'm forever trying to keep up and schedule myself in and he feels he's in my shadow since I've bought a house and a car.

 

I'd approach him with the issue focused strictly on this stuff and not mention his children at all.

 

"I've been thinking about how much I adore you, and I've been missing some of the special closeness we always shared before we started living together. Have you noticed? I'd like for us both to come up with some ways to put some special time together back in our lives."

 

If you bring up his kids, you'll trigger a defensiveness that's unnecessary, and you'll work against yourself. Nothing has changed about them, it's changed with you. Focus there, and offer to negotiate the things that are of value to you by asking him to think about a list of his favorite behaviors and 'treats' from you that are of value to him.

 

Over time, ask for specifics, and always offer something in return for them. Healthy couples negotiate these exchanges all the time.

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