ex husband wants to talk after decades

Just looking for thoughts on this puzzler. I was married at 19, which was a totally foolish thing to do. I thought I knew what I was doing but I didnt as I was still really a kid. I left him at 23, we divorced, moved on. No contact for over

3 decades.

A mutual friend told me today he'd like to talk to me just to see how my life has been, nothing other than general interest/curiousity. He gave the friend his phone number to pass along. The friend doesnt think there's an ulterior motive. Really, why should there be any ulterior motive after this long?

So, curiousity is bugging me. In one way I'd like to know how he is, I dont hate him, I have no feeling at all for him. Havent thought about him in at least 10 yrs. He lives about 8 hours drive from me, so no chance of running into him.

I cant decide if I want to talk to him, care enough to find out how he is....could be he just wants to see how I am. Maybe he's dying of something and I'm on his bucket list. Maybe he's got nothing else to do! The possibilities are endless!

So, what do you folks think?

Agree it could be anything and of course after this long it makes it even more curious. Can you do some of your own intel on social media, google searches, etc?

Funny, because last year, I reached out to my ex-husband after 30 years. In my case, I know he keeps very infrequent contact with my cousin (via an online game), and I know he's happily married and lives across the country.

We never had anything bad happen, but like you, we were just way too young.

I emailed him some pictures of my family members, 30 years later, as I thought he'd find it interesting. He emailed right back, thanking me for it, with a picture of his new grandbaby! It was a nice exchange, and no, we never actually spoke.

I only reached out to say hi, absolutely nothing more. I was the one who left, as I was so young when we married, I was way too young and immature. I moved cities right after the divorce, and I never looked back.

In your case, I see nothing wrong with meeting for coffee. You shared your young lives, you're a part of each other's past. If there was no animosity, and no mistreatment on either side, I say go for it.

Well, a lot of people, when they find themselves single later in life, and they're not meeting any new people, start trying to reconnect with old girlfriends, and in your case, an ex-wife. The Internet has made this a lot easier to do. You hear about older people marrying their old high school or college sweethearts, and so on, all the time.

So that's probably why he wants to contact you, to chat you up and see where you're at. Your question is whether you want to get involved with all that drama again. If it brings up bad feelings, then ignore him. If you want to reminisce and maybe hook up with him again, then go ahead.

Jean Paul Sartre wrote in Nausea (through the mouth of a waitress) that people generally do like to know what happens to others. I think this is true, not just with acquaintances and co-workers, but especially with people you shared deeper connections with at one point. I think perhaps there isn't an ulterior motive and he really does just want to know how you've been. I'd be curious and probably talk to him regardless. Whatever it is he wants, one conversation probably won't do you any harm, and you can always just shut it down if things go wrong.

Well, a lot of people, when they find themselves single later in life, and they're not meeting any new people, start trying to reconnect with old girlfriends, and in your case, an ex-wife. The Internet has made this a lot easier to do. You hear about older people marrying their old high school or college sweethearts, and so on, all the time.

 

So that's probably why he wants to contact you, to chat you up and see where you're at. Your question is whether you want to get involved with all that drama again. If it brings up bad feelings, then ignore him. If you want to reminisce and maybe hook up with him again, then go ahead.

^Have to agree with this and that this is your ulterior motive.

If you had run into each other randomly and decided to meet up for coffee to catch up then I'd say it's more about just basic curiosity. Giving your friend his number and asking to pass it along, etc - that's making quite a bit of effort and going out of his way to reach you. You really don't do that by accident or without an ulterior motive.

Honestly, i would tell the mutual friend to pass on the message to him "thanks for asking. I am still living in X state and have worked in the X career field. I have been happily married for X amount of years and have x kids and that you wish him all the best" and leave it at that.

Jean Paul Sartre wrote in Nausea (through the mouth of a waitress) that people generally do like to know what happens to others. I think this is true, not just with acquaintances and co-workers, but especially with people you shared deeper connections with at one point. I think perhaps there isn't an ulterior motive and he really does just want to know how you've been. I'd be curious and probably talk to him regardless. Whatever it is he wants, one conversation probably won't do you any harm, and you can always just shut it down if things go wrong.

Thanks for all of the replies! First off he lives about 8 hours drive from me, so we are not meeting for coffee!

I am slightly curious as to how his life turned out. I left him, we were just too immature to be married. I doubt he's the same person he was when we were early 20s, I know I certainly am not. I dont want to see him, I dont harbour any ill will towards him. He is a part of my life that is long over and done with. He remarried long before I did, and that's really all I know about his life! Which is enough for me. It doesnt bring up bad feelings, it was a long time ago and I dont hang on to things like that.

Wiseman2 I will have a look online for him, agree you never know what you may find.

I don't feel you have anything to lose, along with having the option of walking away if things turn awkward, therefore I'd say go for it.

Thanks for all of the replies! First off he lives about 8 hours drive from me, so we are not meeting for coffee!

 

I am slightly curious as to how his life turned out. I left him, we were just too immature to be married. I doubt he's the same person he was when we were early 20s, I know I certainly am not. I dont want to see him, I dont harbour any ill will towards him. He is a part of my life that is long over and done with. He remarried long before I did, and that's really all I know about his life! Which is enough for me. It doesnt bring up bad feelings, it was a long time ago and I dont hang on to things like that.

This is exactly the same situation I was in.

In my case, he lives too far for coffee, lol, and I felt as you: it doesn't bring up bad feelings, nor did I have an ulterior motive. More of just a shared, long-ago past that I rarely think of.

Sort of like running into your high school best friend that you haven't spoken to in 20 years.

To say it's definitely an ulterior motive is not true. It was not true in my case.

I would tell your husband what transpired and ask what he thinks. If he gives you the "out of curiosity" blessing, then go for it -- if he is uncomfortable or doesn't want you to - just tell your mutual friend what i suggested. His curiosity will be satisfied enough.

This happened to a friend of mine recently. An old college boyfriend got in touch with her, they are both now in their 60s and single. They met, caught up and reminisced, and that's that. He lives on the other side of the country. They might have kindled a long distance friendship, but I don't think anything more. I think she was happy going over some youthful memories.

Actually, I forgot about this.....late last year, my high school boyfriend did get in touch with me, and we met for lunch!

We dated for about a year in HS, and he's been married for 30+ years now. He was coming to my city for business and sent me a Facebook message. I was dating my now ex-BF, but I showed him the messages and he said it was cool for me to go.

So I did meet him for lunch, and we had so much fun catching up, and that was that. No ulterior motives at all.

I would tell your husband what transpired and ask what he thinks. If he gives you the "out of curiosity" blessing, then go for it -- if he is uncomfortable or doesn't want you to - just tell your mutual friend what i suggested. His curiosity will be satisfied enough.

My husband knew my first husband, we had a lot of mutual friends. I think my husband would say - do whatever you want to do. He's like that, whatever I want is fine with him. He wouldnt freak out and say I am not "allowed" to call him or get all weird that I'd leave him for the first guy. He's very much do as you please. Yes I would tell him about this roundabout contact and he'd leave it up to me as to what to do.

I'm glad I asked this question, the responses are interesting :-)

My husband knew my first husband, we had a lot of mutual friends. I think my husband would say - do whatever you want to do. He's like that, whatever I want is fine with him. He wouldnt freak out and say I am not "allowed" to call him or get all weird that I'd leave him for the first guy. He's very much do as you please. Yes I would tell him about this roundabout contact and he'd leave it up to me as to what to do.

 

I'm glad I asked this question, the responses are interesting :-)

I am not saying he would freak out or that he would be afraid you would leave him.

Its about keeping him in the loop. He may have known your ex way back when -- but him resurfacing after 3 decades -- might be cool just to give him a heads up like you will likely do.

You know I always wondered if my ex were to reach out to me later in life what I would do?

Melancholy I think it doesn’t hurt to catch up on the good times. You parted with no amnomosuty towards each other. Who says once something ends it’s done in the sense you never see them for the rest of your life?

It would be hard in this circumstance to know what to do. I think you are pretty levelheaded though .

I am not saying he would freak out or that he would be afraid you would leave him.

Its about keeping him in the loop. He may have known your ex way back when -- but him resurfacing after 3 decades -- might be cool just to give him a heads up like you will likely do.

I know you didnt say that, I was just explaining they type of person my husband is. Some guys would freak out and others would say meh, whatever! :-) Yes I'll tell him about this, no reason not to.

You know I always wondered if my ex were to reach out to me later in life what I would do?

Melancholy I think it doesn’t hurt to catch up on the good times. You parted with no amnomosuty towards each other. Who says once something ends it’s done in the sense you never see them for the rest of your life?

I didnt expect to ever hear from never mind see him again. He's so far removed from my life it's like he never existed. Decades do that to a person :-) I hope life has been decent to him and that he doesnt want anything beyond saying hello.

It would be hard in this circumstance to know what to do. I think you are pretty levelheaded though .

Actually I am very level headed, thank you for noticing that! It's a strange thing to have happened today! I need to think about this and decide what to do.