Should the love for a child be unconditional?

This always has me wondering. I know there is no deeper love than the type from a parent towards his/her child. However, should it really be unconditional?

I can think of 4 exceptions of an abomination that would be impossible to continue loving:

- The child grows up to be a serial killer

- He's a serial rapist or child molester

- He's another Chris Brown wife-beater

- The child attempts against my own life (or kills my friends and family members)

I've read about two cases, in where the child nearly succeeded in murdering all his/her own family members and only the father survived. In both cases, the father still visits his child. I recalled the Erin Caffey story very well. A then 16 year-old girl orchestrated (she was the mastermind of it) the murder of her family because her parents were against her relationship. Her mother and two younger brothers were killed but the father survived. The father still forgave her and till this day visits her in prison.

Ted Bundy's mother is another case I don't understand. Besides being your child, what is there to love about a serial killer, a lowlife subhuman that rightfully deserved the electric chair?? His mother (even when she knew he was really guilty) referred him as ''my precious son'' all the way to the day of his execution. There is nothing precious about taking someone's life in a horrible way nor living the victims' families in eternal pain and suffering. My heart would go out towards the poor victims, not the monster of my so called ''child'' that made lots of people suffer.

No matter what my children do, I will always love them. I would never tell them (or feel) "If you do something I am opposed to or is morally wrong, I will stop loving you".

Stop loving them? Never. Never.

There was a case a few years ago where a mother found out her son had killed a young child. She herself turned him in. I can't even imagine the anguish she must have felt (and must still be feeling), but she did the right thing.

There was another case many, many years ago where a mother knew her son had run over three young school girls and then taken off. She defended him and helped hide him. I'd never do that.

I would not be supportive of them if they did something awful like kill someone or sell drugs to school children or attack someone. I've told them that I would turn them in if I found out they did something like that.

I will, however, always love my children.

Do you happen to be a parent, OP?

My love for my child is absolutely unconditional. I may not always like what he does but I will always love him forever and always .

My love for other people? Absolutely conditional.

There is a difference between supporting what somebody does and love . They are not one in the same .

Do you happen to be a parent, OP?

Nope, I'm not a mother yet.

Nope, I'm not a mother yet.

I kind of figured.

I got a lot of opinions and "advice" from people who didn't have kids when my kids were growing up. A lot of "you should's" and "I would do this or that", but your perceptions change when you yourself are a parent.

Parents tend to still love their children even in these situations for a number of reasons. First and foremost, they were their children, with the relation to and memory of them extending just as much into their child's infancy and adolescence as the current headlines surrounding them. Another large reason is they, and I'd say quite often rightfully, hold themselves responsible for however they may have raised the child having a residual impact on whatever heinous acts they may have committed.

For me, even if I don't have a child myself and can't directly empathize, I can certainly understand these parents who will hold their son or daughter's hand straight to the electric chair. I might judge them if they made some seriously ****ty parenting decisions or abuses that could have contributed to this person ending up this way, but I wouldn't judge them for their unconditional love.

Well, I'm not a mother yet, but I have a mother, and I have plenty of siblings who have screwed up on many occasions. I want to say no, love for your child does not necessarily have to be unconditional ALL of the time. Realizing that your children will eventually become adults changes the perspective a little I think. Now, that being said, I do think that parents can't help but to love their children, and even though at times it's difficult and that love can dwindle into non-existence, that love will return after a period of time. My brother is a criminal to say the least, and one time we went to visit family in NY, he was living in some crap hole in Jamaica Queens and just the thought of seeing him made my mother anxious enough to want to pop anxiety pills. That doesn't mean she didn't love him, just maybe not enough to be his doormat anymore.

I guess there's nuance in every situation and it really depends on the person.

I think once you feel a child grow inside your body and give birth to them and gaze in loving awe the second you see their face for the first time.... you nurse or feed them. You raise them. Sacrifice for them. Be willing to die for them ... that love is VERY hard to erase, if ever.

I think once you feel a child grow inside your body and give birth to them and gaze in loving awe the second you see their face for the first time.... you nurse or feed them. You raise them. Sacrifice for them. Be willing to die for them ... that love is VERY hard to erase, if ever.

And sadly, there are some parents who don't feel that love. THOSE parents would probably have no trouble at all writing off a child they never connected to in the first place.

My father basically abandoned any feeling of responsibility for me and my siblings when he and our mother divorced. I haven't laid eyes on or spoken to the guy since the 1980s. And I doubt he even cares. If he found out I'd done something awful or morally wrong he'd probably say something like "well, no surprise considering her mother" because he liked to blame us stopping contact with him on her instead of on the fact that he was a deadbeat. He has no contact with all but one of his children and he does not seem to care.

So those parents who never had any caring for their children never loved them in the first place and therefore can make any relationship they might have with them conditional. But those parents who truly do love and care for their children? Nope, not happening. The love will be there even if they have to stop having a relationship with their child due to extenuating circumstances (such as stealing from them to buy drugs or molesting a sibling, for example).

And sadly, there are some parents who don't feel that love. THOSE parents would probably have no trouble at all writing off a child they never connected to in the first place.

 

My father basically abandoned any feeling of responsibility for me and my siblings when he and our mother divorced. I haven't laid eyes on or spoken to the guy since the 1980s. And I doubt he even cares. If he found out I'd done something awful or morally wrong he'd probably say something like "well, no surprise considering her mother" because he liked to blame us stopping contact with him on her instead of on the fact that he was a deadbeat. He has no contact with all but one of his children and he does not seem to care.

 

So those parents who never had any caring for their children never loved them in the first place and therefore can make any relationship they might have with them conditional. But those parents who truly do love and care for their children? Nope, not happening. The love will be there even if they have to stop having a relationship with their child due to extenuating circumstances (such as stealing from them to buy drugs or molesting a sibling, for example).

I get you. My dad doesn’t care either.

Unconditional love does not mean you support or condone everything that they do. You can believe your child needs serious help, or deserves prison time for what they have done - yet still love them. Family members of those who have committed heinous crimes still suffer because they are trying to come to terms with what their loved one has done. That's not to say I'm comparing their suffering with the victims or the victim's families - merely that all are suffering for different reasons.

If not for your child, who can you feel unconditional love for?

The bond you form with your child from infancy to adulthood is a bond that is very hard to break, no matter what the circumstance. Yes, your child can grow up to be a sh***y human being, and you'll most likely feel a wide array of emotions, such as guilt, anger, a sense of failure etc. But I don't believe that any of those can erase that deep rooted love you have for them.

It's difficult to imagine, when you don't have children of your own, and I may have answered this question differently before becoming a mother. But even imagining the scenario with my own mom, I couldn't imagine ever NOT loving her to some degree, even if she turned psycho tomorrow.

I feel people who commit crimes like you describe have been severely deprived in childhood. I have a hard time believing that anyone is simply born with an urge to erase another human life, and if you have dark tendencies in you (which I believe we all do to some extent), a solid upbringing will give you the tools to cope like a normal, functioning adult.

I feel people who commit crimes like you describe have been severely deprived in childhood. I have a hard time believing that anyone is simply born with an urge to erase another human life, and if you have dark tendencies in you (which I believe we all do to some extent), a solid upbringing will give you the tools to cope like a normal, functioning adult.

There are people who have mental illness whose parents have done everything right for that child growing up. There are kids that are likeable, affable and get in with the wrong crowd, too. I have seen families where all the other children were loving, well adjusted, self reflected, successful in their own right )content with their lot in life - not necessarily famous) and then there was one that took a turn. One person i know of had a closed head injury from a severe accident and mostly recovered but had mood issues, brain chemistry issues and schizophrenia after that. The other siblings were fine people --- and this woman pushed several people who were in her way and got arrested for assault.

Parents can only "equip" children so much.

I don't like the term "should". Who is the authority here?

I do think many parents would not stop loving a child who goes on a bad path later in life, and that is OK. It may not have been obvious the direction they would go when you started raising them. Since you play an active part in getting to know and shaping that person for at least the early parts of that person's life, you have both a bias towards them, and a more nuanced view of them as a whole person. A person who commits a monstrous act may not always have been so. Besides that, it is clear from the many posts on this forum, where people will chase someone who they "love", who treats them badly, love is not about the person you love, but about your own regard toward them.

I also do not fault a parent who would withdraw love after a certain point, if their child went too far off the deep end. These are complex subjects, and even experts do not have a full understanding of human psychology in these matters.

I agree Abitbroken, you're right. I should've included those examples you gave in my comment. What I meant to say was that those who "go off the deep end", because of parental neglect,abuse, you name it, aren't born evil. Yes there are people with mental illness and loving parents, people who get with the wrong crowd, brain injury etc. All those points only support my case in that I believe the love a parent feels for their child is unconditional (in most cases), even if this child commits horrendous crimes.

It's difficult to explain but I will try.

Yes, it's an unconditional love.

If your child does wrong or turns out bad, you as a mother blame yourself. You feel that you did wrong in your child not being the person you hoped they should be. Either that, or you feel a deep pain for your child turning into someone you don't recognize and can't figure out what on earth happened or how your child was affected by something or someone so badly that they turned into someone terrible. You would also feel at fault and feel terrible that you couldn't save them from that demise.

But even then, your heart will feel pain for them and you will hurt badly. You, as a mother ALWAYS want the best for your child.

No mother would ever want their child to turn out badly or to affect other people badly, which in turn, will only cause more hate and hurt towards your child and will make you feel even more pain and hurt for them and for the terrible situations that arose from it all.

With all of it, your love as a mother does not stop. You will always look at this person as your child, a part of you, your flesh and blood..as much as a part of you as your own beating heart.

Their downfalls are your downfalls. Their pain is your pain.

It does not stop...ever.

The love of a mother is like no other and nothing can ever break it or change it.

I kind of figured.

 

I got a lot of opinions and "advice" from people who didn't have kids when my kids were growing up. A lot of "you should's" and "I would do this or that", but your perceptions change when you yourself are a parent.

My mom used to say that my godmother had no right to give her advice about raising children because she wasn't a parent. I thought it was always thought it was an absurd statement. My godmother interacted with all manner of children and families for nearly 50 years. She retired after teaching high school for 25 years and then got her master's in psychology and became a family therapist for another 20 years until her death. My mom was raised two children for less than half that time, yet this experience apparently made her an expert in parenthood. Ha.

I think you say it correctly above: your perceptions change when you become a parent.

It doesn't mean that your perceptions were wrong before you became a parent, and that they became correct after you became a parent. What happened is, your priorities changed and your place on the playing field changed along with it.

I guess it's easy to dismiss people's opinions when you think they can't relate to the challenges that you face. But sometimes an outside perspective--into any problem--is quite valuable.

Adding in..yes, other posters are correct, not every parent will feel this way. Some don't give a damn and can't feel the love for their child that they should.

Those type of people should have never had children in the first place.

I don't like the term "should". Who is the authority here?

 

I do think many parents would not stop loving a child who goes on a bad path later in life, and that is OK. It may not have been obvious the direction they would go when you started raising them. Since you play an active part in getting to know and shaping that person for at least the early parts of that person's life, you have both a bias towards them, and a more nuanced view of them as a whole person. A person who commits a monstrous act may not always have been so. Besides that, it is clear from the many posts on this forum, where people will chase someone who they "love", who treats them badly, love is not about the person you love, but about your own regard toward them.

 

I also do not fault a parent who would withdraw love after a certain point, if their child went too far off the deep end. These are complex subjects, and even experts do not have a full understanding of human psychology in these matters.

I feel the same way. I'm not a huge fan of "should" because what about mothers who give birth and don't feel love or bonded right away -and then worry if they are normal. What about mothers who have PPD or PPA and of course it hampers that connection? It just makes it worse with the "shoulds".

I actually don't think about the conditional/unconditional distinctions because I'm too busy loving my child. To me loving is giving -especially parental love for a child. He's constantly changing, developing, being unpredictable, etc so I have to give love in a way that suits all those changes and show him how to give love in ways that are, well, loving (he is a very loving child -I mean that as parents we have to guide our children in how to treat their parents, other children, people, strangers, etc). Yes, I can see situations where you're confronted with "he did ___ and I am so upset with him" and not feeling love at that moment but more likely you just don't like him much right then!

I also really like how Avman put it.

I agree Batya,

You might not like your child sometimes, but you never stop loving them.

I agree Batya,

 

You might not like your child sometimes, but you never stop loving them.

I also think it's important to convey this to one's child especially if there are consequences for bad behavior or you're feeling frustrated/angry with your child. It really makes them feel secure that although at the moment the child might be on the outs with his parents the love remains.

Very true.

It works the other way as well. Is there unconditional love for the parent? Parents do crappy things too! They abandon and some are serial killers and are in prison for crimes.

My mom was a social worker and she saw that even though the kids didn’t get the good end of the stick with their parents they still loved them.

So there really is that unbreakable bond that goes both ways!

It works the other way as well. Is there unconditional love for the parent? Parents do crappy things too! They abandon and some are serial killers and are in prison for crimes.

 

My mom was a social worker and she saw that even though the kids didn’t get the good end of the stick with their parents they still loved them.

 

So there really is that unbreakable bond that goes both ways!

This is true too. My dad is an abominable human being yet I still love him .

And I have no love at all for the man who fathered me. I will not see him ever again.

I expect to hear someday from my sibling that he passed away. I do love my sibling so I plan to simply say "I am sorry for your loss". But it will have nothing to do with me.