Boyfriend's Daughter

I've been with my bf for six months and things are going really well. However he's still legally married. They've been separated for three years and have a 5 year old daughter.

We talked about me meeting her the other night but his relatonship with her is very fragile and he's had to really battle with the mum to get the little access he has. So

a) he doesn't want to damage anything with the daughter and

b) has said he doesn't know where to start with introducing her to me, etc.

Has anyone else been in this situaton/do you have advice?

He's right to delay meeting for both the reasons you cited. He's not even gone through the divorce yet and 6 mos is way too soon. How often does he have her? Does that interfere with dating? What is the hurry? As long as the dating is going well and progressing as you would like, leave his family business up to him.

I've been with my bf for six months. he's still legally married. he's had to really battle with the mum to get the little access he has.

"Separated" drama aside, him not wanting to introduce you to his 5 year old daughter who's probably at the peak age of impressionability is called being a responsible parent. It could also be used as fuel against him in a custody hearing.

Why are you in such a rush to meet her?

Yeah, I agree. Sounds like that part of his life is actually pretty stressful, and having you bug him or question him about not being able to meet his daughter yet could just be adding to the stress. You've only been dating 6 months, he's still married (which is a bit touchy and weird especially since you haven't mentioned any divorce proceedings yet they've been separated for three years...), I would not pressure it and just enjoy your relationship and see where it goes.

No child should be introduced unless the relationship will be permanent. Young children should not have people revolving in and out of their life . It is very damaging .

In your shoes, I'd tell him to call you once his divorce is final. Separated so long, but not even filed for divorce = unfinished business with his wife and whatever is between them, he isn't willing to rock that boat. If you are OK with a temporary convenience type relationship, carry on. If you are looking for something long term and serious, keep looking somewhere else.

Why has he not filed for divorce?

He’s not filed for divorce yet as he’s trying to amicably arrange access to his daughter rather than have a judge dictate.

It’s not a temporary convenience thing but thanks for that.

He and her mother are not rotating people in and out the child’s life, that’s the point. He wants me to meet her at some point but doesn’t know how to go about it.

And FYI I’m not ‘bugging’ him or putting pressure on him about anything. We had an adult discussion about where things are going.

Unfortunately that sounds like a nonsense excuse. Just drop the subject of meeting his daughter.

He’s not filed for divorce yet as he’s trying to amicably arrange access to his daughter rather than have a judge dictate.

Thankfully I know and trust him and his motivations. I have no reason to doubt him.

He’s not filed for divorce yet as he’s trying to amicably arrange access to his daughter rather than have a judge dictate.

 

It’s not a temporary convenience thing but thanks for that.

 

He and her mother are not rotating people in and out the child’s life, that’s the point. He wants me to meet her at some point but doesn’t know how to go about it.

 

And FYI I’m not ‘bugging’ him or putting pressure on him about anything. We had an adult discussion about where things are going.

How does filing for divorce prevent an "amicable" arrangement? Does he think a judge will completely disregard any agreement he and his wife come to just because?

And it's been THREE YEARS and they still have not "amicably arranged" access to the daughter? What could possibly be taking that long?

Would you be content to be the girlfriend for possibly years while he and his wife keep working on "amicably arranging" an agreement? Perhaps you're fine with not being able to marry him, I don't know.

Thankfully I know and trust him and his motivations. I have no reason to doubt him.

Then what is the concern?

Me personally, I see problems with this situation

Separated for 3 years but no divorce in sight... something is fishy there

But he is doing the right thing by waiting to introduce you to his daughter. People shouldn't come and go, in and out of a child's life. Children need stability. 6 months dating is way too early to meet someone's child especially considering your relationship with this guy probably won't go anywhere anyway.

I forgot how jaded people can be on here. I asked for advice for him on balancing the two things, instead all I’ve seen from most replies is little digs.

DissyLu what a snide thing to say.

They're not "digs".

I asked why it's taking three years and counting to "amicably agree" on "access" to the daughter.

They're not "digs".

I asked why it's taking three years and counting to "amicably agree" on "access" to the daughter.

Others have said I’m ‘bugging’ him and that the relationship won’t last anyway. Pretty hostile uncalled for digs I’d say and not actually answering the OP.

Others have said I’m ‘bugging’ him and that the relationship won’t last anyway. Pretty hostile uncalled for digs I’d say and not actually answering the OP.

I didn't read in your OP that you were "bugging" him about meeting the daughter. So, yeah.

But...why again is it taking three years plus to "amicably agree" on access to the child?

We are concerned for the child’s welfare because some of us have been that child before.

Look, according to what he has told you, the mother is being difficult about visitation, it's been three years and they haven't managed to agree and he is walking on eggshells. He is basically at her whim and instead of going to court and settling the issue properly and getting proper visitation in place, he is willing to play this game. Do you see how what he is claiming makes exactly zero sense? You probably do deep down, but I also suspect that you are right now head over heels for him and don't want to hear or see anything wrong about this. So, your only option is to forget meeting the child and carry on just dating him.

DissyLu what a snide thing to say.

I'm sorry if my comment came across that way, I just think the writing is on the wall with this situation

How can your relationship with this man progress when he's still married?

This was a tangled web to get caught up in

He and her mother are not rotating people in and out the child’s life, that’s the point. He wants me to meet her at some point but doesn’t know how to go about it.

No one doubted this fact, he and her mother should be permanent in her life, you would be the potential rotating person. No one is saying that means your relationship won't last, we are just saying there is potential for it to not last, and so he will likely wait to introduce you to his daughter until he's confident your relationship will last for the long haul. The fact that he is still married and will not divorce his wife seems to be the bigger problem, IMO.

After 3 years, they can't reach any sort of amicable custody situation, then there's a problem. Why does she not want him to see his daughter? Why do they think whatever situation they come up with will not be immediately thrown away the second they both hire divorce attorneys (which they will probably have to do seeing as they can't come to any agreement after three years of separation).

He's married. The visitation thing is an excuse.

Thus dude is a waste of time.

Since you won't answer the question I asked (three times lol!), I presume there must be no reasonable answer.

He is not divorced because apparently, for whatever reason, he chooses to stay married.

I can certainly understand why you feel insecure. Meeting the daughter wouldn't resolve this.

Plus, I can also see why he won't introduce you to her. He's still hanging on what his wife thinks and doesn't want to rock the boat, again for whatever reason.

A court order would actually HELP the situation, not hurt it. That way his wife couldn't just decide on a whim that he can't see the child. If she did she'd be in violation of a court order and would have to appear in court to explain why. But again, he chooses to stay married to her instead.

This isn't a good situation.

Do you mean the times he has his daughter and the times he's free to date? For example, does he dedicate every or every other weekend or alternate weeks? As you know divorce and custody go hand in hand but are two separate entities. Since they have lived apart 3 years, it seems a custody arrangement would have been made as well as child support. Is he paying child support?

I asked for advice for him on balancing the two things.

I just wanted to say that ENA works very well at picking up on things that don't make sense and inconsistencies in what people say. The people giving advice here are not picking on anyone. What they're doing is picking up on things the poster may not see, or may be avoiding in accepting. We've had people who have literally realized that the question they were asking was not the real question, but a symptom of a greater issue.

In your case, the question isn't about introducing you to his daughter, the question is really about your relationship with your boyfriend. His excuse for not divorcing his wife doesn't make sense. I think people here are trying to warn you that he is happy with the status quo and you're always going to be the "other woman" in his life. This diminishes you. If you're content in being a companion, then fine. But if you want to be married and have kids of your own, your boyfriend has a convenient legal reason to deny you this.

You should also examine what happened in his marriage to his wife. Why did he walk out on a then-2-year-old toddler and her mother? Obviously, he'll blame her for the break up, but what really happened? Is this something he does in his life? It seems like a callous thing to do. His wife probably had her hands full with taking care of a small child and he walks out on her. Is he going to just walk out on you one day?

You've been in the honeymoon phase of your relationship here, and I think as you come out of it, you should start to look around and ask questions about your relationship. You want to get to know his daughter and make the relationship more permanent, but in his mind, you may just be someone who is occupying his free time and nothing more. It is something to think about.