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Thread: Boyfriend's Daughter

  1. #21
    Gold Member brienoch's Avatar
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    He and her mother are not rotating people in and out the childís life, thatís the point. He wants me to meet her at some point but doesnít know how to go about it.
    No one doubted this fact, he and her mother should be permanent in her life, you would be the potential rotating person. No one is saying that means your relationship won't last, we are just saying there is potential for it to not last, and so he will likely wait to introduce you to his daughter until he's confident your relationship will last for the long haul. The fact that he is still married and will not divorce his wife seems to be the bigger problem, IMO.

    After 3 years, they can't reach any sort of amicable custody situation, then there's a problem. Why does she not want him to see his daughter? Why do they think whatever situation they come up with will not be immediately thrown away the second they both hire divorce attorneys (which they will probably have to do seeing as they can't come to any agreement after three years of separation).

  2. #22
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    He's married. The visitation thing is an excuse.

    Thus dude is a waste of time.

  3. #23
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    Since you won't answer the question I asked (three times lol!), I presume there must be no reasonable answer.

    He is not divorced because apparently, for whatever reason, he chooses to stay married.

    I can certainly understand why you feel insecure. Meeting the daughter wouldn't resolve this.

    Plus, I can also see why he won't introduce you to her. He's still hanging on what his wife thinks and doesn't want to rock the boat, again for whatever reason.

    A court order would actually HELP the situation, not hurt it. That way his wife couldn't just decide on a whim that he can't see the child. If she did she'd be in violation of a court order and would have to appear in court to explain why. But again, he chooses to stay married to her instead.

    This isn't a good situation.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you mean the times he has his daughter and the times he's free to date? For example, does he dedicate every or every other weekend or alternate weeks? As you know divorce and custody go hand in hand but are two separate entities. Since they have lived apart 3 years, it seems a custody arrangement would have been made as well as child support. Is he paying child support?
    Originally Posted by Everlong13
    I asked for advice for him on balancing the two things.

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  6. #25
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    I just wanted to say that ENA works very well at picking up on things that don't make sense and inconsistencies in what people say. The people giving advice here are not picking on anyone. What they're doing is picking up on things the poster may not see, or may be avoiding in accepting. We've had people who have literally realized that the question they were asking was not the real question, but a symptom of a greater issue.

    In your case, the question isn't about introducing you to his daughter, the question is really about your relationship with your boyfriend. His excuse for not divorcing his wife doesn't make sense. I think people here are trying to warn you that he is happy with the status quo and you're always going to be the "other woman" in his life. This diminishes you. If you're content in being a companion, then fine. But if you want to be married and have kids of your own, your boyfriend has a convenient legal reason to deny you this.

    You should also examine what happened in his marriage to his wife. Why did he walk out on a then-2-year-old toddler and her mother? Obviously, he'll blame her for the break up, but what really happened? Is this something he does in his life? It seems like a callous thing to do. His wife probably had her hands full with taking care of a small child and he walks out on her. Is he going to just walk out on you one day?

    You've been in the honeymoon phase of your relationship here, and I think as you come out of it, you should start to look around and ask questions about your relationship. You want to get to know his daughter and make the relationship more permanent, but in his mind, you may just be someone who is occupying his free time and nothing more. It is something to think about.

  7. #26
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    I think that you should not meet the daughter. Even if he was divorced 10 years, you have not been together long enough to meet her, and if the relationship is somewhat fragile, he has to err on the side to do what's best for his daughter's mental well-being. She has been going through this push pull with her parents through more than half her life and honestly, what's best is for her not to be introduced to any boyfriends or girlfriends of her parents and to get a judge to create some regularity and certainty in her schedule with both parents. The worst thing right now would be to "daddy's friend" into the mix. When they are actually divorced, for starters and then as more time passes and he decides he is serious about you (engagement is imminent but wants to make sure your daughter gets to know you a little bit first) THEN meet the daughter.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    No child should be introduced unless the relationship will be permanent. Young children should not have people revolving in and out of their life . It is very damaging .
    Agree. This is much too soon.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    I just wanted to say that ENA works very well at picking up on things that don't make sense and inconsistencies in what people say. The people giving advice here are not picking on anyone. What they're doing is picking up on things the poster may not see, or may be avoiding in accepting. We've had people who have literally realized that the question they were asking was not the real question, but a symptom of a greater issue.

    In your case, the question isn't about introducing you to his daughter, the question is really about your relationship with your boyfriend. His excuse for not divorcing his wife doesn't make sense. I think people here are trying to warn you that he is happy with the status quo and you're always going to be the "other woman" in his life. This diminishes you. If you're content in being a companion, then fine. But if you want to be married and have kids of your own, your boyfriend has a convenient legal reason to deny you this.

    You should also examine what happened in his marriage to his wife. Why did he walk out on a then-2-year-old toddler and her mother? Obviously, he'll blame her for the break up, but what really happened? Is this something he does in his life? It seems like a callous thing to do. His wife probably had her hands full with taking care of a small child and he walks out on her. Is he going to just walk out on you one day?

    You've been in the honeymoon phase of your relationship here, and I think as you come out of it, you should start to look around and ask questions about your relationship. You want to get to know his daughter and make the relationship more permanent, but in his mind, you may just be someone who is occupying his free time and nothing more. It is something to think about.
    People get divorced and then could be going to court for the fine tuning of child visitation later on. A relative of mine recently went through the divorce and that was the case -- the house was sold AFTER they were legally divorced and the kids custody was initially decided before the divorce but after the divorce visitation was fine tuned based on new circumstances of the living situation and schedule of the parents and the school schedule. Divorce dissolves the marriage. It does not make every hour of visitation final -- that is tweaked ongoing.

  10. #29
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    But in the meantime court orders have to be followed, even the temporary ones.

    The solution isn't to stay married to the person and hope the spouse is reasonable about support and visitation, thus preventing any future relationships from going beyond "boyfriend and girlfriend".

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    No child should be introduced unless the relationship will be permanent. Young children should not have people revolving in and out of their life . It is very damaging .
    I totally agree -- the only exception to this is if its someone who is in close orbit -- let's say the girlfriend has kids at the daughter's school - its okay to introduce her as "little johnny's mom" and chat with her when the kids are picked up and the daughter sort of starts to get used to seeing her in the car line once they have been dating for a little bit -- but NEVER when the dad is not even divorced

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