Two and a half years on and still really tough......

Hi I got dumped by my ex this long ago and still pine for him. I have not managed to meet anyone else and can't pretend to be happy. The dates I go on make me feel worse. I am miserable but my ex has ignored every contact attempt and dashes away if he has ever seen me. I try to focus on work and hobbies but I am just going through the motions pining for the times when he said he loved me and we were planning our future together. It seems impossible to escape despite mindfulness etc etc I miss him so much and wonder about him and his life..... I fear I will be alone forever....

Sorry to hear this? Do you work or go to school together? Why are you still seeing him and contacting him? Have you tried therapy to understand that you miss a mirage and 'what could have been' (both in your mind and nothing to do with him per se) and your obsession with him and those things?

my ex has ignored every contact attempt and dashes away if he has ever seen me.

I understand unrequited pining better than most, and I can say for certain it is a borderline indulgent practice. One can become addicted to pain, and if you're the type of person who equates pain with love, it creates a very difficult situation to extricate yourself from. However, suffering is not romantic.

I think in order to move on, you need to start asking yourself the tough questions, such as why you feel the need to extract love from the most unlikely source, as well as why your thwarted efforts make you try harder rather than give up. He runs from you because he recognizes that a healthy person would be turned off from his response to your overtures. Realize your feelings are more about you then him at the point. Get yourself into therapy if you're not already seeing a professional and cut communication altogether. You need more help than a forum can offer if you have not moved past the bargaining stage after 2 1/2 years.

Sorry to hear this? Do you work or go to school together? Why are you still seeing him and contacting him? Have you tried therapy to understand that you miss a mirage and 'what could have been' (both in your mind and nothing to do with him per se) and your obsession with him and those things?

I am suffering from this situation my myself. I am in the middle of a divorce (after 29 year marriage) and I find myself thinking of all the good times we shared (and there were so many). But, then I also remember the not-so-good times and all the verbally abusive things that he subjected me to and I am realising that it was not what a sound and truly loving marriage should be like. Like Wiseman2 stated, it is a "mirage" that you are holding on to. What's done is done. Do NOT focus on the past or what could have been. It sounds to me like you need more time to heal and a very good therapist. I'm not being mean or insensitive, but he's made it abundantly clear that he does not want you in his life. Please accept that, hard as it may be. You deserve better, my dear, and I bet that one day you will find true love when you least expect it. Remember: YOU, and only you, are responsible for your happiness. Don't waste any more energy and time thinking about him. It's not healthy. No matter how much you are suffering, it is not productive and it serves no purpose other than keeping you stuck in a dark place. Let's make a joint effort to stop thinking about how sad and miserable we are. We are better than that! Good luck. Hugs. xx

thanks so much for replying. no I don't work with him. seen him randomly a couple of times and he dashed away. I am in counselling but it does not lessen the upset and pining

I am suffering from this situation my myself. I am in the middle of a divorce (after 29 year marriage) and I find myself thinking of all the good times we shared (and there were so many). But, then I also remember the not-so-good times and all the verbally abusive things that he subjected me to and I am realising that it was not what a sound and truly loving marriage should be like. Like Wiseman2 stated, it is a "mirage" that you are holding on to. What's done is done. Do NOT focus on the past or what could have been. It sounds to me like you need more time to heal and a very good therapist. I'm not being mean or insensitive, but he's made it abundantly clear that he does not want you in his life. Please accept that, hard as it may be. You deserve better, my dear, and I bet that one day you will find true love when you least expect it. Remember: YOU, and only you, are responsible for your happiness. Don't waste any more energy and time thinking about him. It's not healthy. No matter how much you are suffering, it is not productive and it serves no purpose other than keeping you stuck in a dark place. Let's make a joint effort to stop thinking about how sad and miserable we are. We are better than that! Good luck. Hugs. xx

Thanks so much for your kind advice. I feel for you hugs also xx

thanks so much for replying. no I don't work with him. seen him randomly a couple of times and he dashed away. I am in counselling but it does not lessen the upset and pining

Give it a chance, my friend. It will take time so -- hang in there! xx

What SGH said is really resonant.

Regardless of what leads to a relationship ending, be it a slow fizzle or drama like infidelity, the bottom line is that it has ended because it did not work. The good times, the bad times, whatever the ratio, and whatever stories we construct in our grief, what is undeniable is that it has all added up to something that stopped functioning. Think of it almost like a beloved old car: when you fixed the radiator the cylinders broke; when you fixed the cylinders the floorboards rusted out. The interior always looked great, and you had a lot of memorable trips, but the dang thing became too unreliable: a hunk of metal, not a chariot.

As someone highly prone to romanticizing my own suffering, I've learned to check myself by just bringing it back to that single fact: it was not working, it was not working. It helps with eliminating the what ifs, the if onlys, the tendency to blame (them, ourselves, God, whomever), and instead just accept that a chapter has closed, perhaps for reasons you never need to fully understand. That's how you learn to live again in reality, as opposed to the "mirage" created by a lovelorn imagination.

I'd consider switching therapists, as they can really be invaluable to helping us see these moments and these feelings in a clearer light. For one thing, something is always off when the health of our emotional equilibriums are reliant on validation from someone else—when that's happened we've outsourced a piece of our core, and it's time to check in and understand that impulse. Also, it's really important to understand the role of ego here, as often its a wounded ego more than a wounded heart that spins these ever-expanding webs of pain. For me, whenever I find myself drifting into that pining state I just kind of go: oh, hey, ego—I see you, but I'm not going to indulge. Sounds silly, but it does help.

I have been on the same exact boat as you, It took me 3 years to move on and find someone. It felt like it was impossible, i wasnt searching for something new because I felt like what if we were meant to be? It seems so hard right now but trust me, you will move on!

Best thing I ever did was delete him from everything, delete and block. Remove anything related to him. When i even had his number i was tempted to text when i was sad and drunk, when you dont have the choice it becomes easier.

I also done adventurous things, take up new hobbies even make new friends.. these simple things help you become more confident in yourself which i feel is something you maybe dont have enough of, i may be wrong but it really helped me! It will happen!

Hi I got dumped by my ex this long ago and still pine for him. I have not managed to meet anyone else and can't pretend to be happy. The dates I go on make me feel worse. I am miserable but my ex has ignored every contact attempt and dashes away if he has ever seen me. I try to focus on work and hobbies but I am just going through the motions pining for the times when he said he loved me and we were planning our future together. It seems impossible to escape despite mindfulness etc etc I miss him so much and wonder about him and his life..... I fear I will be alone forever....

How many more years of your life do you want to waste pining?

What kind of counseling have you sought to make a better decision?

Why are you holding on to something that is never going to happen? Why are you afraid to let go of the relationship? Its been two years and have you done everything to move on? Do you still have his number in your phone and still look at it? Do you still have emails, texts, or messages he sent you and you re read them? What good is it doing for you to think about him?

Did you know that the only person holding your happiness back is you? You say in the last line of your post you fear of being alone forever, but you also say you go out on dates. Is the fear that you wont ever be with your X again? Are you looking for a replacement rather than a new relationship?

Counseling would do you a world of good.

Thanks so much for your reply and thoughts. I have been having counselling. I guess I was so convinced we would be together and the end was such a shock. No I haven't got his number or any emails/texts/photos I deleted them all a long long time ago but I do still know his number by heart but haven't used it in a long long time. I guess it is difficult not to compare dates with him. And I don't get lots of them. It has been difficult to truly accept that he will never ever come back. But I have to!

Why are you holding on to something that is never going to happen? Why are you afraid to let go of the relationship? Its been two years and have you done everything to move on? Do you still have his number in your phone and still look at it? Do you still have emails, texts, or messages he sent you and you re read them? What good is it doing for you to think about him?

 

Did you know that the only person holding your happiness back is you? You say in the last line of your post you fear of being alone forever, but you also say you go out on dates. Is the fear that you wont ever be with your X again? Are you looking for a replacement rather than a new relationship?

 

Counseling would do you a world of good.

Its been two years so the shock of the break up should be long gone by now. So the question is, what is your fear? Why is it so hard for you to let go of your X and the relationship and what do you think will happen if you emotionally let it go?

As I see it and I like to compare it to is you walking around with a beautiful red balloon that has made you so happy and you look up and see that its there and when you do see it, everything is wonderful. Other people see you dragging a dirty red popped balloon and looking up at nothing. Sure every so often you look down and see what once was a balloon, but you don't want to see it or accept it or let it go, so you look up and as long as you drag this thing, even tho it gives you pain, it also gives you false comfort.

Letting go of the relationship doesn't diminish what you had or invalidate a loving relationship. It doesn't mean the good memories wont go away or means that you gave up or means you failed. All that letting go does is allow you to turn the page and start fresh. It frees you mentally, emotionally and spiritually so you can open yourself to the possibility that someone is out there who is meant to be with you. Letting go doesnt mean you will always be alone or never find someone. I promise you, letting go of your X is good for you. To say good-bye and not think of him will do you wonders of good.

If that way doesnt help you, let me tell you from my point of view okay. If I break up with a GF, and its been 2 years and she is in the exact same place with her life mentally and emotionally, then in no way will I find her attractive or even think of coming back. It shows me that the problems, issues or reasons why the break up took place would still be there. The X might think Ive stayed in the same place for you, but Im thinking staying in the same place is not the type of person I would want to be with.

Think about who you were when you met your X. Were you like you are today or were you different? What you must do is get out and re-discover who you are. What makes you happy? Im not talking about what another person can do to make you happy, but what is it YOU can do to make you happy? When you let go, and say to yourself Im going to move forward, then you will see that you will attract guys who are better than your X. It all starts with you.

Thank you so much No 1. Your words are very wise and I really appreciate them. I went through the motions of doing things I enjoyed earlier on and I was just forcing myself to take up new activities, take trips etc. I didn't enjoy them and I just wished I was with him instead and thinking about the trips we had taken. I am enjoying those things more now although not completely....I will really try to be mindful of your advice....thank you again

Its been two years so the shock of the break up should be long gone by now. So the question is, what is your fear? Why is it so hard for you to let go of your X and the relationship and what do you think will happen if you emotionally let it go?

 

As I see it and I like to compare it to is you walking around with a beautiful red balloon that has made you so happy and you look up and see that its there and when you do see it, everything is wonderful. Other people see you dragging a dirty red popped balloon and looking up at nothing. Sure every so often you look down and see what once was a balloon, but you don't want to see it or accept it or let it go, so you look up and as long as you drag this thing, even tho it gives you pain, it also gives you false comfort.

 

Letting go of the relationship doesn't diminish what you had or invalidate a loving relationship. It doesn't mean the good memories wont go away or means that you gave up or means you failed. All that letting go does is allow you to turn the page and start fresh. It frees you mentally, emotionally and spiritually so you can open yourself to the possibility that someone is out there who is meant to be with you. Letting go doesnt mean you will always be alone or never find someone. I promise you, letting go of your X is good for you. To say good-bye and not think of him will do you wonders of good.

 

If that way doesnt help you, let me tell you from my point of view okay. If I break up with a GF, and its been 2 years and she is in the exact same place with her life mentally and emotionally, then in no way will I find her attractive or even think of coming back. It shows me that the problems, issues or reasons why the break up took place would still be there. The X might think Ive stayed in the same place for you, but Im thinking staying in the same place is not the type of person I would want to be with.

 

Think about who you were when you met your X. Were you like you are today or were you different? What you must do is get out and re-discover who you are. What makes you happy? Im not talking about what another person can do to make you happy, but what is it YOU can do to make you happy? When you let go, and say to yourself Im going to move forward, then you will see that you will attract guys who are better than your X. It all starts with you.

Hi I got dumped by my ex this long ago and still pine for him. I have not managed to meet anyone else and can't pretend to be happy. The dates I go on make me feel worse. I am miserable but my ex has ignored every contact attempt and dashes away if he has ever seen me. I try to focus on work and hobbies but I am just going through the motions pining for the times when he said he loved me and we were planning our future together. It seems impossible to escape despite mindfulness etc etc I miss him so much and wonder about him and his life..... I fear I will be alone forever....

Please do work diligently to get past this and move on. And make sure to take care of yourself. Every time I read something like this I think of a friend of mine who has basically trapped herself in a lonely status quo. She was about 25 when she caught her boyfriend cheating on her. It was a long relationship, I think 9 years. He got the other woman pregnant and married her. My friend was devastated. She dated recklessly and contracted herpes. That really threw her for a loop, made her feel even worse. She stopped dating altogether, started saying things like, "I don't want a relationship. I just want casual sex." She's about 45 now, overweight, depressed, generally negative and miserable. If she'd only tried a little harder, taken better care of herself, she could have avoided the situation that she's currently in. But at this point, I don't think there's any way out. Once you become habitually miserable, it's very difficult to be any other way.

I appreciate the kind words and I hoped it helped you. I do know that it is hard for one to move forward without having the past behind you. This info also applies to guys you will meet who haven't put their Xs behind them. Sometimes to do that we must accept our fears and know what they are and do they pose limitations on what you want to do. Example would be if have been cheated on in the past and have a fear of people cheating on you, are you aware of it and will it hinder your next or current relationship? Like my fear of HUGE spiders. I never had fear of spiders until I saw the Goliath Spider up close. Shivering just thinking about it but I know that my fear is there but it doesn't affect me until I go thru a web in the middle of the night.. Then I will do the equivalent of 3 marathons in 23 seconds.

So you never answered the question. What is your greatest fear if you let go of your X? The relationship? Why do you feel you haven't let go? Sometimes its hard to look at the mirror and answer honestly but its good for you to know that its there. If you just avoid it or pretend its not there or hope that it goes away, then its not going to help you move on.

If I break up with a GF, and its been 2 years and she is in the exact same place with her life mentally and emotionally, then in no way will I find her attractive or even think of coming back.

This is a really good point. One trick I've used to move forward is to let go and allow life to teach me whether ex and I were really ever a meant-to-be deal. If so, then we'll both meet on higher ground someday, but it's up to each of us to get to that place on our own.

This prevents me from stagnating and motivates me to reach for self development and learning how to enjoy my life solo. Funny thing is that reaching any degree of higher ground brings with it a whole new perspective on my past, including my relationship with ex. It's from that new perspective that I recognize that my own enjoyment and cultivation of my own passion for living has rendered the ex irrelevant.

I consider this gentler approach to moving forward as far more effective than self torture or browbeating myself into letting go. One rule of measuring my progress is whether I'm moving toward joy, optimism and building myself UP, or whether I'm stagnating and while digging a deeper hole to climb out of.

Consider making it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous new future. Regardless of whether ex ever crosses your path again, you will thank yourself for growing into someone you can be proud of.

Head high.

On a real downer today. Really fed up with flakey guys on dating sites and even one I met offline. I did two dates with one and he has made it clear that the third needs to involve sex or he isn't interested. An internet date I was due to go on tonight has not replied to my checking the arrangement. I guess he was just not going to turn up. I don't know if I will ever meet anyone again who doesn't behave in this way. Feels like a loosing battle and really hard not to think of how my ex was before the break up-never anything like this! So tough and going to go out with a friend but feeling miserable!!!

On a real downer today. Really fed up with flakey guys on dating sites and even one I met offline. I did two dates with one and he has made it clear that the third needs to involve sex or he isn't interested. An internet date I was due to go on tonight has not replied to my checking the arrangement. I guess he was just not going to turn up. I don't know if I will ever meet anyone again who doesn't behave in this way. Feels like a loosing battle and really hard not to think of how my ex was before the break up-never anything like this! So tough and going to go out with a friend but feeling miserable!!!

You're scheduling full dates? Skip that. Set up quick coffee meets to screen out anyone you wouldn't want to spend a full date with. You can tell whether you're attracted in just a few minutes, and you can tell whether you're both looking for the same things out of dating in 15 to 20 minutes if you ask the right questions.

If you're relationship material, skip anyone who doesn't know what he wants, is looking for 'casual' dating or 'just friendship' (translates to just sex) or who is freshly out of a breakup or still angry at an ex. Narrow your scope to only those who are looking for the kind of relationship YOU want to have, and don't settle for less in hopes of converting them.

Skip fantasy building online and schedule quick coffee meets on your way home from work to check one another out. If someone doesn't show, just take your coffee or tea with you and nothing is lost. When someone does show, rules are that neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary. Just keep scheduling more quick meets.

This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table and makes room for the fact that most people are NOT our match. Lose the mindset that every fail is a reflection on you or on your prospects with anyone else in the future. THAT is your black hole, and your habit of drilling yourself into a deeper pit to climb out of only makes enjoyment of any experience more difficult.

Think of singles as each holding a puzzle piece that we hold up with others to see if they fit. They usually do NOT fit. That's not cynical, it's just the odds, and it's nobody's 'fault'--it's natural. We are each unique, so we won't be a good match for just anyone, and we won't be most people's cup of tea. That's true of everyone, and it's supposed to work that way. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

Think of dating as learning. You can either enjoy learning or you can make yourself miserable about it, but the learning still needs to occur. So the only thing you can change is whether your attitude and perceptions will make the experience fun and productive, which opens you to learning something new about yourself and your desires with every bad match, or whether you will make this a miserable time for yourself--which also translates into the signals you send out that can kill attraction.

Decide whether you want to build your skills and resilience and outlook or whether you want to keep trashing those with self-inflicted misery.

It's a decision.

Thanks so much for all your kind words. I was doing ok for a while. Trying to implement all your advice. I have parts written down in my diary to refer to. But back down in the pits today. Thinking of my ex and really hard to resist that. Wishing I was dating him instead of a couple of second online dates scheduled for the weekend. Still missing him and not wanting anyone else but him really. My heart leaps when I see a car like his passing me. I try to see if it is him. I never see but imagine him with my replacement by his side going for a lovely day out. What I am missing out on. I know this isn't good. He dashed away from me last time he saw me randomly. I try to block the thoughts from my mind. I am resisting seeking him out despite wanting to. So tough.

Are you in counseling?

I ask because a friend of mine was in a situation similar to yours, where she refused to let go of her ex. She gave up her entire future waiting and wishing for this man to come back to her. She's still waiting...and they broke up in 1994. She has been institutionalized and is unable to work or see people. She spends just about every day alone, stuffing herself with junk food and mooning over her ex. Did I mention they broke up in 1994???!!!

Please don't let that be your future. There is no shame in asking for help if you need it. After all, if you broke your leg you wouldn't just hop around wishing for it to get better, would you? You would see a doctor. This is no different.