Divorce and Continued Relations

OK guys, please help me sort this out.

My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Married 10 this year. Those 17 years have been a cycle of ups and downs. At our core we love each other and are amazing companions. Our problems lie in communication. We never talk to the other person when something is wrong. We both bottle and then resent until it comes out explosively months later. I have been doing so much soul searching lately and I finally realize this. While we both do it, I'm the worst, because I am also borderline manic depressive (undiagnosed and untreated, fyi), so my emotions go from one extreme to the other.

Last year I got tired of the cycle. I love my husband so much and do not want to divorce, but I convinced myself that we don't work and we need to just end it. It was horrible, but after about a week we both connected back to our core and were able to coexist very well. No fights, we still hung out, and we prepared ourselves mentally for the future apart. Within a few weeks, our companionship got very comfortable again, and we started sleeping with each other. It was amazing to have our old connection back. I decided I really wanted to work this out - but at this point I still blamed all of our problems on him, and didn't acknowledge my contributions. I spoke with him and he agreed, so we dismissed the divorce and life was really amazing for another few months. But then it went down again, because I was feeling like he wasn't doing anything to really work on our marriage - we had gotten back in to our cohabitation pattern. And instead of talking to him about this, I got angry, bottled up, convinced myself I wanted a divorce, and now here we are at present.

I told him at the beginning of June that I wanted a divorce. He didn't fight me. These last few months have been incredibly rough for us. I've pulled so far away from him. I was willing him to come to me to tell me how unhappy he was, but he never did. I think because he was afraid this would be the result. This time I didn't file immediately, and I think it was because I wanted to wait and see if this was really what was best for us. Because once divorce was said, weights were lifted off both of us, and we immediately fell back in to our perfect companionship.

One night a couple of weeks ago he told me that he met someone. It absolutely wrecked me. I filed for divorce the next day. He told me that they were just talking, but that he was really into her and that he wanted to see where it went. But then I later found out that they had actually spent an entire weekend together. Not spending the night or anything like that, just spending Saturday night together, and Sunday he met her to run errands with her. Prior to this I had already been hinting that I wanted to start sleeping together again. Before I understood how much of an emotional connection he was forming with this girl, we did. We have been sleeping with each other for the last week. It's been amazing, once again. And once again, I am questioning this decision to divorce. I am loving this connection with him and I don't want it to end.

Fast forward to now. I have asked him to stop seeing this girl while we are doing what we are doing, and he will not do it. He says he really likes her and it's nice to have someone to talk to. We have started to talk about getting back together, but he says he's not sure he can do that, that he doesn't know what he wants, but all he knows is that he is not going to go through divorce cycle with me again.

My heart is so wrapped up in this. I want this to work and I love our connection... when it is he and I it is HE AND I. But then when we aren't together I know he is talking to this girl all day long. I am leaving on Sunday to go out of town for work and will be gone for two weeks straight. I know they are going to see each other during that time. I am so afraid I am going to come back home and he's going to be different. Completely distant and done.

How do I pull away from him? How do I harden my heart?

The mistake you made was not going to counseling - now you want to fix it and he has already moved on and probably the other thing is you have not sought treatment for depression.

You made the decision that "we don't work" - so really - your husband started to check out of the marriage at that point. When you say that to someone - its not a game to get the person to change.

What you need to go is someone needs to move out - you need to create that physical seperation - whether its him or its you finding an apartment or living with a relative or something. Honestly, you need to see a professional if you feel you have manic depression. it could have been a game changer in your marriage if you would have pursued it years ago --- now, do it for your own health so you can have a healthy handle on it going forward

Yes, I agree with abitbroken. You sound like you're bipolar and you should have gotten diagnosed so you could have received counseling and probably meds. Your husband has waited 17 years for you to change and you haven't. I gather that you become abusive when you explode and he's probably the victim in this. This isn't a communication problem. This is a psychological problem.

You kept breaking up with him one too many times. He finally took you up on your offer and now you're sorry because he's found someone else who doesn't turn into a ranting lunatic every few months. I think it's too late to save your marriage. You've filed for divorce. Get ready to divide your community assets and figure out your living arrangements and prepare to move on.

Oh, and for your own sake, you have to seek help for your bipolar problems. It is no fun living with someone fighting depression and anxiety. You need to get a hold of this before you go over the edge.

Unless I'm missing something, when did she all of a sudden become "bipolar.?"

Unless I'm missing something, when did she all of a sudden become "bipolar.?"

I am also borderline manic depressive (undiagnosed and untreated, fyi)

She needs to see a professional so she can be properly treated -- whatever it is - manic depression --- emotional issues that need to be talked out or whatever makes her think she is manic depressive.

Yes, I agree with abitbroken. You sound like you're bipolar and you should have gotten diagnosed so you could have received counseling and probably meds. Your husband has waited 17 years for you to change and you haven't. I gather that you become abusive when you explode and he's probably the victim in this. This isn't a communication problem. This is a psychological problem.

 

You kept breaking up with him one too many times. He finally took you up on your offer and now you're sorry because he's found someone else who doesn't turn into a ranting lunatic every few months. I think it's too late to save your marriage. You've filed for divorce. Get ready to divide your community assets and figure out your living arrangements and prepare to move on.

 

Oh, and for your own sake, you have to seek help for your bipolar problems. It is no fun living with someone fighting depression and anxiety. You need to get a hold of this before you go over the edge.

I never said she was abusive --- i said that when she says "we don't work" he started to check out and now that they are getting along better because they are acting like roommates and are more detached -- she can't really take that back. Some couples are drawn like magnets to eachother and have a tumultuous dyamic but deeply love eachother. He wasn't the one "sick of it" - she was the one who was done.

Thanks, all. I am actually receiving help now, thank goodness. I guess I am not really manic, but I've always suffered from depression. I've been able to treat myself over the years with meditation, yoga, forest walks, and friends. The last two years have been incredibly difficult, however, and now this year is even worse, so it's pushed me over. My doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant to help me through the next few months and I'm seeking counseling when I get back from my travel.

I'm not abusive at all... I just shut down. But emotional abuse by doing that, yeah.

I wish I could reset. I know that when I said those words they can't be taken back. I just wish I understood why he isn't totally pushing me away. Why he isn't telling me outright that he has no interest in working on us. That would help me with closure, I guess.

I never said she was abusive --- i said that when she says "we don't work" he started to check out and now that they are getting along better because they are acting like roommates and are more detached -- she can't really take that back. Some couples are drawn like magnets to eachother and have a tumultuous dyamic but deeply love eachother. He wasn't the one "sick of it" - she was the one who was done.

I was agreeing with you that she should have received counseling and treatment. The rest of my message was my advise and opinion. She admitted that when she did communicate with her husband "it comes out explosively." It sounds like abuse to me. She does say "I'm not abusive at all... I just shut down. But emotional abuse by doing that, yeah." So she does agree.

Unless I'm missing something, when did she all of a sudden become "bipolar.?"

She called herself "manic depressive" and bipolar use to be called manic depressive. Bipolar people are still described as having manic periods and depressive periods. What she described actually sounds like bipolar to me. However, I found found that if you poke people a little bit, they tell you a little more.

I just wish I understood why he isn't totally pushing me away. Why he isn't telling me outright that he has no interest in working on us. That would help me with closure, I guess.

I think he still cares about you. But you've guys had had too many resets and retries. He's just reached the end of the road.

Ok so it's been a week. He "broke up" with this chick on Friday. I know because he was upset about it and we talked. Has been very open and honest with me about it. Told me all weekend it was done and over. I'm out of town now. Monday afternoon he texts her. I call him about it. He gets super defensive, tells me that he was trying for closure with her. End on a better note. Since then has been super attentive to me. Not sure what to believe but want to trust him?

Ok so it's been a week. He "broke up" with this chick on Friday. I know because he was upset about it and we talked. Has been very open and honest with me about it. Told me all weekend it was done and over. I'm out of town now. Monday afternoon he texts her. I call him about it. He gets super defensive, tells me that he was trying for closure with her. End on a better note. Since then has been super attentive to me. Not sure what to believe but want to trust him?

1. Don't get described anti-depressants from a physician. Go to a psychiatrist. My wife was just diagnosed bi-polar and she was on Prozac for 3 years. It ruined her being on the Prozac because our family doctor just threw Prozac at her.

2. If he does not stop that behavior you should get a divorce. He's either going to work on the marriage or he's not, and I would recommend taking counseling/therapy and learning how to communicate. If the two of you don't commit to doing that, don't expect changes. The fact that he is dating someone else is not acceptable while he's a married man. I couldn't trust someone that did that. No trust = no relationship.

Sorry to hear this. Since he has a lover, ask him to move out asap. Also get your financials in order and confer with your attorney about this. Do not try to fix this or use this very flawed theory. "Because once divorce was said, weights were lifted off both of us, and we immediately fell back in to our perfect companionship".