Asking about a lack of eye contact?

I’ve been on three dates with a woman. She seems compatible with me and is very attractive. However, during our conversations, she doesn’t make a lot of eye contact and it’s really bothering me. I am supposed to see her again tomorrow. I feel like I need to say something about it but I don’t want to be judgmental.

I thought about saying something like, “hey, can I ask you a question? Why don’t you make eye contact when we are talking?”

I feel like this probably won’t go over well but it’s either confront it or drop her. At first, I thought she was just nervous/shy but after 3 dates I’d expect someone to seem more relaxed. I’m confident but definitely not an intimidating person. I thought by confronting it there may be a simple explanation. Any thoughts/advice?

I seldom make eye contact. I know I don't and I try to make an effort, but this is who I am. I do this around my own children.

You will sound like you are accusing her of having some kind of flaw.

Is this a deal breaker for you? If so, why?

PS: I don't make eye contact because I was abused as a child. I'm afraid if someone is able to look into my eyes they will "see". What if she has some similar issue, do you want to make her feel worse?

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BTW, is this the "bad second date" religious woman? I thought you weren't going to date her anymore?

I don't know yalls ethinicty but sometimes depending on the culture it's considered rude.

This is a different woman. Sorry to hear about your situation.

I feel like there could be a variety of reasons for the behavior. I work with people for a living and face to face eye contact is crucial for communication. I feel like it’s hard to have an intimate conversation with a person if they aren’t making a lot of eye contact.

I might just cancel the date if y’all think I can’t say anything about it.

This is a different woman. Sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I feel like there could be a variety of reasons for the behavior. I work with people for a living and face to face eye contact is crucial for communication. I feel like it’s hard to have an intimate conversation with a person if they aren’t making a lot of eye contact.

 

I might just cancel the date if y’all think I can’t say anything about it.

Well, if you do say something you probably won't have to bother with "dropping" her because she could end up being so offended she'll "drop" you.

Why would you be offended by mentioning it?

I mean, I’m trying to figure out if she is shy/nervous around me because she is interested vs. this is just her normal behavior. Why would I assume she is aware of it?

Are you planning on asking "why don't you make eye contact"?

You're looking for a problem where there isn't any, buddy. She's been on three dates with you.

You're fine! Enjoy tomorrow and let us know how it goes! :)

I also have an issue with lack of eye contact. I make good eye contact and I always feel someone appears a lot more genuine, confident and attentive when they can look you in the eye. I dunno, it would bother me too.

Not everyone enjoys eye contact. It doesn’t mean they are shady or anything it’s just that some people can’t tolerate it.

Eye contact is very important to some people.

OP I would say this is your call. If eye contact is huge for you, you need to decide if you 1) want to ask her in hopes that she makes more eye contact with you in future dates or 2) write this off as incompatible issue because you don't want to keep wasting time on someone who naturally doesn't make eye contact

I suppose a lot is cultural. Speaking personally, I tend to maintain pretty strong eye contact when I'm listening. But when I'm talking, I'll glance and then my head's typically all over the place before I glance again. But I do make sure to sporadically engage. Kinda difficult to put it in words. I suppose if I did notice a date was staring off into space or at her food any time I was talking, it'd be a turn off. But that's a pretty arbitrary element of my own sense of intimacy. It's never anything I'd dream of bringing up. If that were to not be her natural disposition and if it were something I felt strongly about, I'd just find another woman who was bigger on looking at me during a conversation. If you're feeling so compelled to have a conversation addressing her eye contact, that's probably not the best of signs.

Asking is just not done. You will come across as out of line and awkward if you ask. It's not a gentlemanly thing to do.

You can't change her, and God did not make her for you. I suggest not seeing her. Or, you can try wearing sunglasses then maybe she'll look at you. I make eye contact and I've been told my gaze is too piercing so I know I may be contributing to others looking away.

That's a good point, Amalia. A few people I know just give me a penetrating stare, constantly, during conversation. They get SO close and just laser focus into my eyes. That makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Yes, there's a comfortable medium.

OP, I think this woman is just a bit shy or perhaps a bit introverted. If you try to force her out of her shell abruptly or ask her WHY she doesn't make eye contact, it will most likely result in her retreating further. I can't see how that would be your end goal.

Some people are shy or in their culture it's rude to stare or sustained eye contact is considered aggressive. No you don't confront people after three dates...it's creepy.

If she's not looking around the room or through her phone acting bored then it's rude to ask her this. If you don't like her for some reason, just stop asking her out. But don't make up silly reasons to create an ultimatum in your mind and inflict it on her.

I’ve been on three dates with a woman. I thought about saying something like, “hey, can I ask you a question? Why don’t you make eye contact when we are talking?”I feel like this probably won’t go over well but it’s either confront it or drop her.

Too sustained an eye contact is just as disturbing to some. Maybe you are being too direct in your gaze? Eye contact beyond a few seconds even in North American culture is bordering on rude . We do look around when we we are talking to people .

People I know intimately such as family members or my spouse I will hold eye contact much longer . Someone I barely know ,nope . Because socially it’s rude.

The date ended up getting off to a slow start. We had a dinner at a nice patio then we bar hopped to a few different places afterwards.

She did mention at one point she tends to be an anxious person. I had a had a lot of fun on the date. We have similar backgrounds and she is very relatable. She is also very attractive. At the end of the date, we ended up making out outside of a bar and then went back to my place. I thought we would just have a night cap and make out a little but she escalated things to sex(which was superb). I feel kind of bad though as I still have some question marks about her being “anxious.” Also she definitely didn’t seem to have trouble maintaining eye contact with a stranger at the bar who kept trying to tell us stories.

Honestly, I think she is just kind of socially awkward. It’s hard to know if this will smooth out over time once she gets to know me better. I hate feeling conflicted about it. She has a lot of great qualities, is very attractive, a great lover, and is very compatible. That being said, the anxious vibe is a little strange. I’m not sure if I’m being hypercritical but it just gives me a pause in gut feeling. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time but do you think it would be wrong to give it a little more time? Am I just overthinking this?

Definitely overthinking.

And you are worried about eye contact?

escalated things to sex(which was superb).

Too sustained an eye contact is just as disturbing to some. Maybe you are being too direct in your gaze? Eye contact beyond a few seconds even in North American culture is bordering on rude . We do look around when we we are talking to people .

Interesting that you say this... someone asked me the other day at a workshop how I showed someone I was interested in what they were saying... my first response was "eye contact!"... the facilitator said what you said Seraphim and I had never considered that. Now I use other queues to show interest, and to gauge whether someone is listening.

When I am really attracted to someone I get SUPER awkward and anxious... maintaining eye contact in such a situation is really hard for me! Even if we have been physically intimate. Either that or I am totally the opposite and stare at them until they avert their gaze in an awkward way lol....

There is something about eye contact that takes vulnerability and intimacy to the next level. I can't even explain it really. My guess is that she really likes you and that once she feels more comfortable with you she will do it more.

That all being said... if it's that important to you, and you can't gauge her interest in any other way, then best to move on before someone gets hurt. She will probably never be the person that is totally comfortable gazing into your eyes for hours on end.

Interesting that you say this... someone asked me the other day at a workshop how I showed someone I was interested in what they were saying... my first response was "eye contact!"... the facilitator said what you said Seraphim and I had never considered that. Now I use other queues to show interest, and to gauge whether someone is listening.

 

When I am really attracted to someone I get SUPER awkward and anxious... maintaining eye contact in such a situation is really hard for me! Even if we have been physically intimate. Either that or I am totally the opposite and stare at them until they avert their gaze in an awkward way lol....

 

There is something about eye contact that takes vulnerability and intimacy to the next level. I can't even explain it really. My guess is that she really likes you and that once she feels more comfortable with you she will do it more.

 

That all being said... if it's that important to you, and you can't gauge her interest in any other way, then best to move on before someone gets hurt. She will probably never be the person that is totally comfortable gazing into your eyes for hours on end.

Absolutely, if we are super attracted to somebody it is hard sometimes to maintain eye contact . And yet we can maintain eye contact with other people for short time .

My vote is that you’re way overthinking. Sounds like a good 4th date. Perhaps she likes you much more than this stranger and therefore gets nervous or anxious about making eye contact with you. It’s likely just part of her personality and you should decide if it’s a dealbreaker all while assuming to yourself that it WONT CHANGE before sleeping with her further.

Also helps to worry less about who’s looking at her and vice versa. If you’re with someone who you even said was VERY attractive, then there will always be guys around and looking. Just the way it is.

I feel in either case, you’re looking too hard for problems.